Sister's Choice (30 page)

If she wasn’t on an examination table in Suz Chinn’s office.

After Tara dropped her off at the diner to wait for Suz, Jamie looked over the menu, although her mind was elsewhere. The university was only a short walk, and after her meeting with her advisor, she planned to do a little shopping for Alison and Hannah, then head back to First Step for a nap. All that seemed increasingly mundane, however. She wasn’t a worrier, but she wondered now if, in this case, her previous trouble-free pregnancies had actually been a problem. A less-experienced mother or a natural worrier might have made a point of telling her physician every little symptom. Maybe then Dr. Raille would have checked her breasts more carefully. She might have ordered a mammogram, if that was safe during pregnancy, and had a radiologist she trusted check it.

But Jamie wasn’t a worrier, so none of those things had happened.

She was still mulling this over when a shadow fell over the table. She stood, and she and Suz embraced, murmuring all the normal things old friends do. Then Suz took the chair across from her and signaled their server for coffee.

Suz had been born in Honolulu, to a Chinese father and native Hawaiian mother. She was beautiful and gifted, and the combination had helped assure her of confidence and success. For her younger brother, Pete, the combination of cultures had been less rewarding. A move to Detroit early in his childhood had set him adrift in an unfamiliar world where his island heritage had made him a minority and Attention Deficit Disorder had convinced him he would never succeed. He had turned to drugs and the kids who sold them for companionship. Now Pete was another of First Step’s success stories, but at the time when Suz asked Jamie for help, the Chinn family had been afraid they might lose Pete to the streets.

“You’re looking great,” Suz told Jamie, once they were both seated again. “How do you feel?”

“I’ve been fine.” Jamie told her about the short stint of bed rest. “Other than that though, it’s been okay. Two
is
harder than one—”

“And you’re that much older. But I see a lot of moms nearing menopause carrying twins. Fertility drugs, and it’s just more likely at that age, anyway. So you’re still a youngster.”

“I’m glad to hear it. I’m not feeling so much like one.”

They chatted, catching each other up on their lives. Thirty-seven-year-old Suz was engaged to a man Jamie had met and liked. They were buying a house in time for the wedding, and planning a long trip to the islands so that Suz could show him her childhood haunts. Jamie told her about Grace and the girls, and even about Cash.

Breakfast was leisurely, and they laughed a lot, but by the time they got the bill, Jamie still hadn’t mentioned the lump. Suz stood to go, and Jamie felt a flutter of panic. That was enough to convince her that she needed reassurance.

“Listen,” she said, standing, too. “In the shower this morning I felt what may be a lump in my breast.” She gave a quick history and reminded Suz she’d had a breast exam at her pre-pregnancy physical.

“It’s probably nothing,” she finished. “But I wondered if you’d check it out? I hate to ask for a favor, but I’d rather
you
found bad news than my Virginia obstetrician. Then I can figure out what to do without involving my sister and her husband.”

Suz didn’t try to reassure her or make light of her worries. She simply nodded. “How is your afternoon shaping up? Will you have time to stop by?”

“I can come in anytime after two.”

“I’ll tell the receptionist to work you in whenever you get there.”

“It’s probably nothing.”

Suz checked her watch. “If you had any idea how many times a day I hear that…”

“How often
is
it nothing?”

“Often enough that there’s no real reason for you to be alarmed. Just stop by, and we’ll take a quick look.”

“I could wait until I got home. Now I’m feeling silly.”

“Why spoil your time here with worrying? Just stop in. We’ll see what’s up.”

Even though that sounded sensible and easy, Jamie’s panic increased. By the time she was out on the sidewalk waving goodbye, she wished it was already evening and she was basking in a clean bill of health.

At four o’clock, after doing a thorough breast exam, Suz told her to sit up.

“Well, you were right,” she said. “This was worth checking.” She made some notes in Jamie’s chart before she looked up. “There are several ways to proceed, but I’m going to suggest we get an ultrasound and probably an FNA. That’s a fine needle biopsy. There’s no point in doing a mammogram first. It’s unnecessary radiation, and they’re somewhat unreliable at this stage of a pregnancy, anyway.”

Jamie shook her head. “It can’t be cancer. I’m pregnant.”

“I’m afraid that doesn’t protect you. More pregnant women in your age bracket are diagnosed with breast cancer than those who aren’t pregnant.”

Jamie didn’t know what to say.

Suz took her hand and warmed it between her own. “That doesn’t mean it’s common. It’s not, not at all. Maybe one pregnant women out of every thousand gets the diagnosis. Those are excellent odds, okay? This is probably a cyst, or maybe expanded glandular tissue from all the hormones your body’s producing. But hasn’t your doctor been checking your breasts?”

Jamie tried to remember. “Kendra’s usually in the room, and sometimes Isaac, too, so there’s always a lot going on. I’m sure the doctor’s checked, but certainly not every time.”

“Well, I can feel it today, but maybe it hasn’t been so noticeable.” She checked her watch, something that seemed as much a part of her as breathing or blinking her eyes. “I have a surgeon I like. As a favor to me, he might be able to do an FNA as early as tomorrow, then a surgical biopsy while you’re still in town, if necessary. Is that what you want? Or do you want to wait until you get back to Virginia?”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Then let me arrange it here, as soon as I can. I know he’ll do the best possible job, and the sooner you know, the better. It’s probably nothing to worry about, but if it is, you’ll have decisions to make.”

For a moment the room seemed to be revolving slowly. Jamie blinked to make it stop. “What kind of decisions?”

“There’s no reason to deal with that now, not when we don’t even know there’s a need to.”

Jamie’s gaze found Suz’s. “What kind of decisions?”

“What to do about the cancer, Jamie. And what to do about the pregnancy.”

N
early a year had passed since the day Jamie had announced she wanted to be Kendra and Isaac’s surrogate. Now, ascending the final stretch to the orchard on her way home from a “routine” appointment with Dr. Raille, she pulled over to the side of the road and looked out over Cashel Orchard, the skeletal trees stripped of the fruit that was their reason for existence.

Even denuded of leaves and apples, the sight stirred her. This orchard, in one form or another, had testified to the Valley’s fertile soil and favorable climate for more than a century. She couldn’t imagine that tenure ending, and she knew that when Grace, and even Grace’s family, stood in this spot and looked at this site, they had to feel despair and a sense of foreboding at what the future might bring.

She understood foreboding now, better than she had ever wanted to.

Her prenatal visit hadn’t really been routine, of course. She had hand carried her records from Michigan and spent the appointment informing Dr. Raille of what she had done and what she expected from her in the future.

The doctor had been appalled at Jamie’s choices, and when Jamie insisted she did not want her sister and brother-in-law to learn about them until she was ready to tell them herself, Dr. Raille had threatened to remove herself from the case.

By the time Jamie left the office, she and the doctor had come to an uneasy agreement, just as she and Suz had done over her treatment. Jamie’s body was her own, and it was up to her to decide how much she shared about her health with her sister and when. Nothing she had done would threaten the twins. So the doctor had no moral or professional obligation to inform the babies’ biological parents about it.

Sadly, Jamie knew that the rest of her care in Front Royal would be conducted in tight-lipped silence. She just hoped Kendra didn’t begin to suspect there was more to the doctor’s change of attitude than professional concern about delivering healthy twins.

Kendra’s suspicions were already a problem. Jamie had told her sister there was no need to accompany her to this appointment, although Kendra had come to every other. Jamie had explained that the appointment was completely routine; no ultrasound was scheduled, no tests. She had other things to do beforehand, and she couldn’t spend time with Kendra afterward, because she needed to be home when Alison and Hannah arrived.

Reluctantly, Kendra had agreed. But combined with Jamie’s sudden absence at Thanksgiving, her sister’s decision to go to this doctor’s appointment alone had surely set off alarm bells.

In truth, Kendra had every reason to feel alarmed. Thanksgiving had not been spent, as Jamie had hoped, with Kendra and Isaac and Granny Grace and her family. She hadn’t sat next to Cash at the dinner table, nudging him playfully with her knee while she urged him to try the onion casserole she and Kendra had baked, or a chocolate silk pie they had added to a groaning board of desserts. Hannah and Alison had not been introduced to the idea that Thanksgiving was usually spent with family, and that in years to come, they would do it that same way again and again.

Instead, Jamie and the girls had spent the holiday as they had for so many years in the past, at First Step, with staff who hadn’t been given the day off and residents who weren’t yet allowed to return home or had none to return to. Jamie had cooked the turkey and made the dressing, and after the meal, she and the girls had gone upstairs to Tara’s apartment and watched
Miracle on 34th Street
.

To pave the way for the trip back to Michigan, Jamie had told her sister she was needed at First Step, because so many staff were going to be absent. Even to her, the excuse had sounded lame.

Now Jamie hoped she could find a way to convince Kendra there was nothing to worry about. At least not until the day she explained that she’d been lying for these final months of the pregnancy, and there was indeed something to worry about after all.

Already she felt enmeshed in a spider’s web of deceit.

Back in the minivan, she sat for a moment, head resting against the seat. She was exhausted and aching, with little she could do about either. At least in the privacy of her van she didn’t have to pretend to feel better than she did. She took advantage of that and closed her eyes until the December cold spurred her to start the engine and move on. She was halfway up the driveway to Grace’s house when she glanced in her rearview mirror and saw a familiar Lexus. At some point her sister had turned in behind her.

Suspicion had come directly to her doorstep.

By the time Kendra stepped out of her car and raised a hand in greeting, Jamie was waiting on the porch. Shenandoah County had yet to have its first snow, but that day seemed close at hand. A winter breeze skipped dried leaves and sticks along the ground, and despite the bright afternoon sun and a warm coat, Jamie shivered.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, trying not to sound unhappy at her sister’s sudden appearance.

“They’re doing more selective cutting and pruning over at the house to open up views. We were waiting until the trees lost all their leaves to make sure we had it right. We don’t want them taking more than they need to, even if that means we only have certain views in the winter. I came to make the final decision.”

Jamie knew that clearing trees was on the agenda. The fact that Kendra felt she had to explain it again seemed telling. Her sister was buying time while she figured out how to say what she’d really come for.

Jamie realized she was standing silently, staring at Kendra, who was pulling her jacket tighter around her. “Wow, I’m sorry. Come on in and warm up. I’ll make tea. Grace is over at Helen Henry’s house. They’re working on some project for the bee.”

Kendra followed her sister inside. “Grace and
Helen?
”

“I’m not sure what happened, but they’re sort of getting along now. Helen invited her. Grace said it was an offer she couldn’t refuse.”

The brief rest in her van hadn’t helped much. Jamie was tired from the trip to Front Royal. For the last week she had survived on Tylenol and sheer grit. Now, before the girls got home, she wanted nothing more than a chance to put her feet up.

Kendra seemed to realize she was tired, if not why. “You look beat. Let me make the tea.”

In the kitchen, Jamie slipped her fleece boots off her swollen feet and sank into a chair at the table, while she directed Kendra to the stash of tea bags.

“How did the appointment go?” Kendra asked.

“Fine. Heartbeats are strong, my blood pressure’s good, nothing showed up that shouldn’t have.” Except a visual reminder of her lies.

“How was the trip over?”

“Fine. Why?”

“Because you look wiped. And it’s a long way to drive when you can hardly squeeze behind the steering wheel.”

“I can squeeze behind it just fine. You don’t need to worry.”

“Well, I did. Worry, that is. I’d rather just go to all the appointments, even if they’re completely routine. I worry too much when I’m not there, and I don’t think you should be traveling that distance by yourself.”

“Kendra, I just made two trips to Michigan on my own.”

“I don’t want to sound like your mother—”

“Then don’t, okay?”

When her sister didn’t answer, Jamie realized how sharp she had sounded. She closed her eyes to keep them from filling with tears. She struggled for a moment until she was sure she could speak without betraying herself.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to help. And besides, our real mother wouldn’t have given any of that a second thought. So you’re in a league by yourself.”

Kendra still didn’t say anything. She waited by the stove until the tea bags had steeped long enough; then she brought the tea to the table and set one of the cups in front of Jamie. She sat down with her own cup and made a point of adding honey from the little ceramic beehive in the center of the table, even though she always drank it plain. Finally she looked up.

“You took the girls out of school and headed off for Michigan for Thanksgiving, even though we made plans to celebrate together. Then today you didn’t want me at the doctor’s appointment. You told me not to come.”

“I never said I didn’t want you, Ken. I just said I was going to be busy beforehand, and there was nothing happening that you needed to be part of.”

“I know what you said. I was on the other end of the line.”

“I realize you don’t know much about my life in Michigan. But I owe my friends at First Step everything. So when they asked for my help over the holiday, I just didn’t want to say no. I’m sure that’s the last time they’ll ever ask, but I was glad to do what I could.”

Kendra leaned forward. “Is that all it was about, Jamie?”

For a moment Jamie wondered if Kendra had discovered the truth. “What do you mean? What else would it be?”

“The babies.” Kendra pushed her tea away and folded her hands on the table. “We’re getting close to the end now. You’ve probably got less than three months before the babies are born. It would be normal to be having some second thoughts. Wondering why you’ve done such a thing? Wondering if you can go through with handing the boys over to Isaac and me?”

Jamie felt a surge of relief, then realized how terrible this situation was that her sister’s very realistic fears could produce such an incongruous reaction.

She played for time while she tried to think of a way out. “What would that possibly have to do with my trip to Michigan?”

“Maybe you needed some time when they were completely yours. When you and the girls and the twins were a family without anyone else laying claim? Maybe that’s why you didn’t want me at the doctor’s office, too.”

“Apparently you don’t trust what I’ve already told you.”

“It’s not trust. It just seems like there has to be more to it. And there might be things you aren’t comfortable telling me. Like second thoughts.”

“I’m not having second thoughts.”

“They would be normal.”

“They might be, but I’m not having them. I love the twins. I love being pregnant with them, but I don’t want to keep them.”

Jamie lifted an eyebrow and sharpened her tone, because she realized that was the only way she was going to convince her sister. “But I don’t love feeling like I can’t have a little emotional and physical space when I need it. This is a very intense experience. I’m tired and hormonal and grouchy. If now and then I need to do something that doesn’t include you, you’ll just have to understand.”

Kendra sat back. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be.”

“You think I’ve been hovering.”

“Not really. I just needed space. That’s the only way I can explain it. I went back to Michigan where I had a life that didn’t include tiny feet under my ribs and stretch marks. I just needed to be with people who remembered me as somebody else and celebrate Thanksgiving with them.”

“Oh, Jamie, I know this has to be hard.”

Jamie wanted to put her arms around her sister and reassure her, but she knew she had to be careful. Instead, she leaned across the table until their hands were almost touching. And she lied again.

“It’s not as hard as you’re making it sound. This was small stuff, okay? A break. Before I settle in for the long haul. I’m not upset, I’m not having second thoughts. I just needed a break and a chance to see my friends at Thanksgiving time. And today was about nothing at all. I just didn’t see the point in you coming along. But if you want to come along to every single appointment in the future, I can handle it.”

“I’ll make a point of giving you some more space. I guess…well, I guess it’s just that being with you makes this easier for me.”

“You lost me there.”

Kendra twisted her hands, a gesture that was at once so unusual and so evocative that Jamie couldn’t watch. She looked at her own instead.

“I’m struggling, too,” Kendra said at last. “I don’t know how to be a mother. I don’t know if I’m up to this.”

“What?”

Kendra looked up as Jamie did, and their gazes locked. “That’s why I waited so long to have kids. I’m not sure I would have found the courage, even when I thought I
could
have them. Then I found out I couldn’t, and it was like a light went off inside me. But, Jamie, before all this, I kept putting it off and putting it off, because I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of failing.”

Jamie understood. “Because of me?”

“Well, I never had much of a role model, and when I tried being a mommy, I wasn’t all that good at it, was I?” She shook her head when Jamie started to reassure her. “I know what you’re going to say. I’ve heard it all before. I was a child trying to raise a child. But here’s what I’ve come to realize. That child I tried to raise?” She smiled a little. “She turned out awfully well despite everything. And she’s a fantastic mother herself. So maybe I didn’t do as dreadful a job as I thought.”

“Oh, Ken, it was the good stuff you taught me that got me through.”

“And now the good stuff you’ve taught
me
is going to get
me
through. Because I’ve finally realized that if I don’t know what to do in years ahead, I’ve got you. In all those years to come, you’ll already have gone first and eased the way for me. Toilet training, the first day of school, driver’s ed? You’ll be able to give me advice.”

Jamie sat silently and wondered if she really would be there to help her sister. Would she still be alive in five years? Or ten? And even if she was, after Kendra realized what she had done without consulting her, would Kendra ever trust her again?

“Thank you,” Kendra said, reaching for Jamie’s hands and covering them with her own. “Not just for having the babies, but for being there to help me raise them.”

Jamie closed her eyes and nodded. But this time she couldn’t control the tears.

That night Hannah and Alison requested the Sister Duck story, and by the time Jamie finished, she was so tired that she nearly had to drag herself out of the room. But she wasn’t tired enough to sleep. She knew if she got ready for bed and lay down herself, she would stare at the ceiling and think about everything Kendra had said.