Sins and Scars (Sinners Book 1) (11 page)

My breathing is ragged, but she doesn’t let that stop her from walking closer to me. When she goes to touch me again, I grab her wrist and stop her. If I don’t stop her, I will probably leave another mark on her silky smooth skin. “Don’t.” I growl. Her hand shrinks back and then her eyebrows furrow together.
 

She starts to make her way closer to me and there is nothing that I can do to stop her. “I won’t let you slowly destroy yourself and me.” Her voice comes out stronger than I thought it would. She reaches out again and this time I let her touch me.
 
“Stav, let me help you.” She presses both of her palms against my stomach and I look down at her.
 

Her eyes are full of determination and she doesn’t look scared of me. My eyes scan over her body again, and the only things I can see are the marks that are now marring her skin. I am the reason she ran a year and a half ago, and I’ll be that same reason she runs when the lockdown is lifted. Why can’t I just stay away from her? All I do is fuck shit up between us.
 

Feeling her hands on me starts to push the darkness back. She stands on her tip toes, and she’s still a few inches too short. She moves her hands up to my neck and pulls my head down so she can reach. “I won’t run out on you this time. You need me.” She ghosts her lips over mine and I don’t know whether or not I should wrap my arms around her. I don’t know what she wants, or what she’s going to do the next time I can’t control it.

Harlyn wraps her arms around my neck and I pull her body into mine. Her body fits mine perfectly still. Her softer curves press against the hard planes of my body. Spending hours in the gym was the only way I was able to keep semi sane after she left. Closing my eyes, I breathe in her scent and memorize it. Losing her will be my downfall, and I hope that day never comes. I would rather fall on my own knife than lose my only saving grace.
 

After seeing her with the marks that I left on her body, we spent the rest of the night in bed. My eyes could only focus on the marks that I left, but she didn’t want to talk about it. Instead, she forced me to tell her what happened with Delilah. She knew that it was the reason behind me putting my hands on her. I used her body, and I shouldn’t have.
 

“What’s it like?” her question brings me out of the trance I put myself in. my hand tightens on her hip, and I look down at her face that is now resting on my chest.
 

“What?” I play dumb because I don’t know exactly how to explain it to her, or hell, even to myself.
 

“After you did what you did in the garage to Delilah, or even after you killed that man in front of me, you go from the man I love to something else. What is that like?” her fingers move in circles around my stomach, so I try to focus on that instead of the question. “Please Stav. I really want to be able to understand you. I want to help you.”

Hearing the sad tone in her voice, I give in and give her the answer she’s wanting. "It’s not something I can control. I feel like something is trying to claw its way out of my chest. Everything disappears, and I’m not even aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating until it happens.” I sit up, forcing her to move, too. Her head goes into my lap and I lay back against the headboard. Running my fingers through her hair, I watch the look in her eyes as I talk.
 

“After everything happened with that bastard who kidnapped you, I hated what I became. I never wanted to hurt you. Harlyn, I’m sorry.” She bites her lip and I lean forward to press my lips against hers. “The anger that consumed me after I gutted him with my knife, took over every aspect of me. I couldn’t stop after the knife dug into him the first time. All the built up rage from over the years became the only thing I could think about.”

“Was that the first time?” Her eyes are almost pleading for me to say yes, but I know that it isn’t. Tonight won’t be the last time either.
 

“No. It doesn’t happen a lot. The first time was when I was twelve.” I hang my head in shame. I can’t even bring myself to look at her. For the first time ever, I’m ashamed of who I am. She deserves better than this.

“What happened?” I look at her and I don’t see any judgement in her eyes, so I decide to tell her why I killed someone at that age.
 

“My father died when I was really young, maybe two or three. My mom raised me and my brother the best she could. One day we came home from school early, and we found her laying on the floor bleeding while the bastard she was dating was kicking the shit out of her. I didn’t think, I just acted. I wasn’t a big kid, but I had some strength. So I tackled him and just started to pound on him until my little brother pulled me off of him.” Her hand grips mine and it gives me the strength to keep speaking.
 

“He wasn’t breathing, and my mom freaked out because she thought that if anyone found out, they would send me away. Instead of telling the cops, she called my uncle, my dad’s brother. Viktor came to the house and he made it all go away. He didn’t question what happened. He just made sure that we were protected. I didn’t learn until I got older what he actually did. When I was eighteen, he approached me to join his organization, but I declined. He wanted to use me as a trained killer.”
 

“You only kill to protect the ones you love.” Her voice is whisper soft, and, in a way, it makes me feel better about what I’ve done over the years.
 

“My brother ended up saying yes to his offer, and I haven’t spoken to him since.” She moves to straddle my lap and she pulls my face into her chest. Breathing in her scent, I just let her hold me. I never knew it was possible to have someone as fucking perfect and pure as Harlyn.
 

“You couldn’t have stopped him. He made his own decision, and you made yours.” Looking up at her, I can see that she means the words she just spoke.

“Yeah but we are the same person. I kill people, and so does he.”
 

She pulls away, and grabs my chin like I’ve done to her a number of times before. “No, you listen to me. You are protecting the people you love. He is killing because he’s being told to. There is nothing the same about that. Stav, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re not the bad man you think you are. Yeah, I don’t agree with you on the whole killing people thing, but I also know that you don’t go around doing it to make someone else happy. You don’t take orders from anyone.”
 

Looking into her eyes, I can see how much she wants to believe the words. “Harlyn, I’m just as bad as they are. I may not kill to get ahead in life, or to take over something, but I do kill. Shit, I can’t even promise that I won’t kill again. I can only promise you that I will never intentionally hurt you.” I reach my hand up and cup her cheek.
 

“I know I’ve hurt you more than once already, but if I’m being honest, you’re the only person who can calm me down when I’m like that. You save me from myself.” She leans into my touch, and I wrap my arms around her body, pulling her closer to me. I’m prepared
 
for her to pull away, but she doesn’t. Instead, she wraps her arms around my neck.
 

“I love you Stav. That will never change. Sometimes, you just scare the crap out of me. I’m tired of running from you when I should be running to you. You’re the only man to ever give a damn about me, and to treat me like a princess.” Her lips cascade down onto mine and she kisses me softly.
 

“You took your time with me. You made sure that I was really ready before you took my virginity, and you have never made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Just promise me you won’t tell me when it happens again.” Her eyes are boring into my soul, and I want to promise her everything and more, but I can’t control it when it happens.
 

“I will probably find you after it happens. I’ll need to be able to get the darkness out of me, and you’re the only one who takes it from me. Your touch, your body - it’s the only way I’ve been able to come back from it.” Her hand goes to my chest and she puts her fingers over my rapidly beating heart.
 

“Then let me help you. Just don’t give me the details.” I swear, I don’t think I heard her right. She can’t knowingly want to help me. I’m too much of a bastard for her to want anything to do with me.
 

“I can’t hurt you again.” I breathe. My eyes are on hers, and she never looks away or changes her expression.
 

“You won’t. I trust you.” She leans forward and presses her lips to mine again. We don’t say anything; we just speak with our mouths. She runs her tongue down my neck, and I groan out. Before she can go any further, someone bangs on the door.
 

“Prez. We need you out here.” She sighs against my chest, and places one more kiss to my skin before she pulls away.
 

“I’ll be back.” I kiss her nose, and she nods her head. She scoots off my lap and gets under the covers. Looking over my shoulder at her, I can see the acceptance and love written all over her. Maybe if I would have just told her this shit from the beginning, we wouldn’t have been apart all that time. “I love you Harlyn.” She grins at my words and I can’t help but smile back at her.
 

After I get dressed, I pull on my boots and make my way out into the other room. When I come around the corner, I see a brick laying on the ground by one of the windows by the front door. Walking over to it, I pick it up and read the message.
 

 
An eye for an eye. A woman for a woman. Can’t wait until the day comes that I get to taste her. Does she scream out as you fuck her? I bet she does. I’ll ruin her for you. She will never be the same after I’ve had my fill of her.

“When did this happen?” I grate out. I can see fucking red, and I want to go find this bastard and gut him for even thinking about putting his hands on her.
 

“Just heard it a few minutes before I came and got you.” Romeo states. He looks around the room and then motions towards one of the prospects that is supposed to be on guard.
 

“Where were you when this shit happened?” I grab him by the collar and watch him. His eyes widen but he doesn’t say a word. “Where the fuck were you?” I demand.
 

“I… I… I… was taking a piss. I heard the glass break and came running back in.” I release my hold on him and he starts to fumble back. He rights himself before he falls to the ground.
 

Looking over at Romeo, I nod my head and he grabs his phone out of his pocket. “Tell the men, church first thing. I want to kill those fucking bastards. I don’t give a shit what anyone has planned. They better fucking be there first thing.” Turning towards the prospect, I give him an order before walking back to my room. “Clean this shit up and cover the window.” He nods and scurries off to find what he needs.
 

Making my way back into my room, I see that Harlyn is staring at me. Stripping out of my clothes, I make my way towards the shower to wash away any remaining blood on my body. She doesn’t deserve to have the blood on my hands touch her. I should have done this earlier, but I couldn’t. All I could think of was getting inside of her.
 

As I stand in silence letting the hot water melt the remainder of Delilah from my skin, I hang my head in shame. Harlyn doesn’t deserve me or my demons. All she deserves is the best, and I will never be that for her. I’ll be able to protect her and love her more than any other mother fucker, but that’s it.
 

I stay under the shower head until I’m scrubbed raw and the water has gone cold. Nothing can erase the blood that stains me, but at least I know that she is protected. Shutting the water off, I dry off and toss the wet towel over the curtain rod. Making my way out into the room, I see her curled up on my side of the bed.
 

Turning the light in the bathroom off, I watch the room turn dark, and I make my way over to the bed. Sliding under the covers, I curl up into her body, and she moves just enough for me to lay right beside her. She doesn’t open her eyes, and I can’t help but stare at her. It reminds me of the night I took her virginity.