Singing Heart (39 page)

Xzan nodded agreeing. “I will Mama. Don’t worry about me. Just have a wonderful time playing Grandmama. Don’t let Becky and Jr. act like spoiled brats. Or they’ll wear you out too.”

Mother and daughter smiled wryly at each other. The twins could do no wrong in their grandparent’s eyes. They’d come home rotten and it would take her a month to make them mind. She had seen it happen with her nephews and nieces.

She waved to them gaily as they departed. Later her children would cry for her at bedtime. For now they were happy to go with Grandpa and Grandma. Xzan felt a little empty as they faded into the distance. Simultaneously free. She could take a bath without an emergency interrupting her. Sleep as long as she wanted without being forced to get up and feed the twins or assist their toilet.

She loved her children. Would be glad when they came home once more. But like all good mothers she had neglected her own needs for too long. She turned back to the house. It was deathly silent. Inspired she closed the door and pulled down the shades. Shedding her clothes she pulled out the deerskin dress Jaskarra had made for her a few years ago. She lit the hearth then sat cross-legged closing her eyes allowing her mind to wander searching for him. She hadn’t had this privacy since returning to England to try to communicate with him.

Visualizing him in her mind she crossed the seas trekking through the prairie until she was in his campsite. She imagined him sitting as she was. In his breech-cloth his massive brown chest straight and stance proud. The chiseled face scarred in so many battles bronzed by the sun.

His long hair would be flowing thick loose down his muscular back caressed by the wind. The lines etched around his eyes those silvery eyes accented by jet winged eyebrows leading to a high forehead smoothed in meditation.

She could almost hear the sound of his voice chanting. She called his name. Seeking. Longing so intensely. Until finally the vision in her mind changed and cleared. She saw him. Her heart soared with love and excitement then convulsed in pain as she realized he was injured.

He was lying on the buffalo hides. There was blood everywhere. He was weak and feverish. Shining Face and a warrior Xzan didn’t recognize were trying to tend his wounds. There was too much blood. He was slipping away. She cried out as he rose from his body flying across the miles towards her.

She opened her eyes in agony. The candle snuffed itself out. She could hear the sound of his wind instrument. Feel his presence. Smell his musky scent.

“
Jaskarra.” she whispered her heart aching agonizingly. Reaching out into the darkness searching in the dim glow of the firelight for his illumination. She felt him. As solid as if he stood there. He walked right through her.

“
Gray Wolf!” she cried out desperately in his tongue. “Don’t leave me!” He never spoke yet she felt his feelings. The love he had for her. The sadness of saying goodbye. Then the intense joy as he departed. As he sped forward to places he had only seen in his dreams. He was gone.

She was shattered. Empty. Alone. Part of her had died with him. She slumped on the floor too weak to move. Too broken-hearted to cry. Her twin was gone. Her male counterpart. Her soul mate. Gone forever.

*****

Jr. and Becky were at Grandma’s house. Paul Jr. had affably agreed to run them back home tomorrow. As the months had passed they seemed to spend more and more time at the Winslow farm. Either one of her sibling’s children was having a birthday or visiting. Xzan found more time on her hands than she knew what to do with. She had read so many books, sewn and played her piano until she was bored with it all. Life had become stalemate.

Sean had been in her thoughts heavily as of late. Perhaps because she expected the legal documents her lawyers had sent him to return at any moment. Or maybe it was how much the children had inherited from him.

Not only his physical characteristics but his mannerisms and facets of his personality as well. Even though she never regretted her decision to leave feeling she really had saved her own life as well as her babies Xzan had never lost the bond of intimacy she felt with him. Rather it seemed to have grown deeper since their son and daughter bound him even closer to her.

There had been no word that would free her. For all she knew he could be dead or living somewhere else. She might never know. If he didn’t sign the papers she would have to wait another four years to declare him legally dead. She wondered about Robert and Kerrie too. Had they married? Or had Kerrie went back to Mrs. Beasley’s boarding house? If they had married did they have any offspring? Had she recovered her voice?

Did Sean still become violent at times? Or had he matured and mellowed out? Had the farm prospered? Was he in love with someone else?

She wondered what he looked like now. He would be 26 soon. Had he gained weight? Grown a beard? Were there laugh lines around those incredible hazel eyes?

She had refused to allow her heart to acknowledge him since the day she left. Jr. grew more like his father every day forcing her to remember Sean. He even walked with the same gait. His eyes had that incredible yellowish hue when he stared thoughtfully lost in his own world the way Sean had as a little boy.

He was also large in stature. Becky was going to be big too albeit a more feminine version of her brother. Her hair had darkened to a reddish brown and her eyes were a clear blue-green that turned like her mother’s shades of purple at the oddest moments. They looked like siblings. However Junior appeared at least a year older because of his size.

Xzan wondered what Sean would have thought about his son and daughter. She had never felt guilty for not telling him about them. Until her son began asking about his other parent. Wanting to understand why he didn’t have a father like his cousins did.

Xzan didn’t want to lie to her son. Taking the two-year-old on her lap she simply explained that she and his father hadn’t been able to live together. She had left before she knew she was going to have a baby. Then she began talking to him about his father. The good things that she had loved about the man. She omitted the things that had later forced her to leave.

“
Am I like…him…Mama?” he asked curiously.

“
You have his eyes…the color of his hair…the shape of his nose,” she tweaked the protrusion teasingly. “You walk like he does. You’re quiet when you start thinking…kind of in your own world. He had that habit when he was a little boy too.”

He gazed introspectively leaning back as she rocked him gently digesting it all. He seemed satisfied with her answers. Didn’t ask again. He was still a baby. Undoubtedly there would be more in depth questions as he grew older seeking his own identity.

Jaskarra’s death and the sense of loss that left her feeling so empty combined with the memories of another love that was unrequited had an amazing affect. Xzan finally felt the heartache. It cut through her soul like a knife. But Sean had died the day she left him. There was no going back. It was too late for recriminations. Whatever had changed him wasn’t going to make itself better. Like his Uncle Jeb he had only grown progressively more abusive. She had already lost one child because of insanity she would never risk the two she loved so dearly now.

What Brett had done was unforgivable. She had loved and trusted Sean because he proved in the beginning he wasn’t like Brett. There was no excuse for the way he had treated her. Especially the rape that would haunt her rest of her life. She would have been stupid to have stayed letting him hurt her even worse. He was mammoth enough just one blow could have killed her if he’d ever lost control completely. As it was she would never understand how he could have hurt her the way he had. That pain was as real now as it had been then. As was the love that she’d felt and the shattering heartache that permeated her soul as she allowed those feelings to wash over her.

Later Xzan had carried her sleeping son to his bed. Becky was already deep in her dreams. Angelic in repose. Xzan sometimes wondered if she were dreaming about a little Indian brave somewhere across the world. She’d kissed both children tucking in the covers they would indubitably kick off during the night hoping to keep them as warm as possible. The cold had just begun making itself known as fall danced into winter. The trees were almost barren. It had begun lightly snowing that evening. Tonight the world was a white wonderland as she thought about that conversation with her young son.

How silent the house always grew without the sounds of childish laughter. She wondered if Sean were sitting alone in the utter stillness too. Feeling as lonely as she was. She was restless for new faces and places. But the responsibility of caring for her small clan forced her to remain here. This routine was their security. Stoking the fire she pulled her faded black shawl more securely around her. Warding off the chill. The clock Mama had given her ticked hypnotically on the mantle lulling her into slumber. Thinking she would just close her eyes for a short nap and wake to eat a snack or perhaps read a book she allowed herself to drift.

A sharp rapping startled her awake. Heart hammering in alarm she glanced at the clock to realize it was very late groggily wondering who in the world could be at the door. She ran on trembling legs to the front door apprehensive that something terrible had happened to one of her babies. Xzan’s mouth dropped open. She turned as white as a sheet leaning heavily against the wall. The winter wind benumbed her and she shivered violently. Her guest shook the snow off of his hat and coat entering without an invitation. She stood riveted to the spot in disbelief. He arched an eyebrow enquiringly.

“
Well are you going to stand there and catch pneumonia or offer a weary traveler whose half frozen a drink to warm his bones?”

“
Robert!” she flung herself into his arms. He laughed hugging her close. “I knew you loved surprises.”

She hurried him in to the parlor urging him to warm by himself by the fire as she rushed to see about some coffee. Even though England was famous for it’s tea she had never cultivated a taste for it since the first time she’d tasted her cherished coffee. She knew Robert loved the dark brew as dearly as she did. She beamed as she presented him with a steaming mug laced heavily with cream and sugar a few moments later. He was seated on the edge of the armchair closest to the hearth still rubbing his hands together trying to warm up.

He hadn’t changed a bit. Except for his clothing. He was dressed as impressively as any of the finest gentlemen in London. She had a hundred questions. “How long have you been here? Where are you staying? How did you find me? Why have you come?”

He grinned good-naturedly raking a sun-weathered hand through unruly locks. Whoever had cut his thick main recently had done an excellent job. He wasn’t butchered for once. However nothing could tame his frizzy curls.

“
In a minute. How are you? You’re so thin! Are you ill?”

“
I’m fine. Just tired. It’s England. There’s more rain than sun. Everyone is pale here as you’ve probably noticed.”

“
Well,” he started satisfied that she was well “its kind of complicated. Kerrie and I got married. We have an eighteen-month-old son George who is named after both of our maternal grandfathers.”

Xzan cooed happily. “I’m so proud for you. How is Kerrie? Did she get better?” referring her friend’s speechlessness.

He nodded grinning. “Shoot…once she opened up she’s never shushed again. Didn’t know anyone had so much to chatter about. She’s wonderful. She put on a few pounds when she had the baby. She complains of being fat. I think she looks great.”

“
Is she with you?”

He nodded affirmatively. “We sold the farm. Had to in order to get money for passage here. We have a modest place on the other side of London.”

Sold the farm? Why had they come to London? None of them were from this area. Sean’s family had been Irish immigrants who settled in New York before they traveled west. She waited impatiently for Robert to explain. He looked agitated.

“
Well aren’t you going to ask about your husband?” he finally blurted out miserably.

She masked her feelings. Her face grew somber. Coolly she replied. “So how is Sean?”

Robert shook his head dismally. “He isn’t doing well. He’s the reason we came to England.”

Xzan’s first thought was that he had come to England to protest the divorce. An inner voice warned her to choose her words wisely. Softly she queried.

“
What’s wrong with him?”

Robert was taking off his boots. His feet were frozen. He had lost the feeling in his toes and decided to thaw them by the fire.

“
Hope you don’t mind,” he apologized. She shook her head anxious for answers.

He hesitated. Unable to look her in the eye.

“
Do you still love him?”

Xzan paled considerably. She didn’t respond. It was too private. Confusing. She didn’t know herself how she felt after all these years. There was a mixture of emotions. Robert laid a hand on her arms comfortingly.

“
No one blamed you for leaving. Least of all Sean. He searched high and low for you. It was nearly a year before he accepted the fact that you seemed to have disappeared into thin air and didn’t want to be found…or you were dead…maybe attacked by wild animals.