Silver Dew (30 page)

The idea of traveling across Europe with Sebastian would once have seemed like a dream come true but it had turned into such a horrible and twisted nightmare that all I wanted now was to go home. I couldn’t enjoy the sights we were passing and so I didn’t even try. I desperately missed Vancouver Island’s mountains and valleys, the rocky beaches, the tall cedar and fir trees, the farms, the small towns, the beautiful city of Victoria that had become my home. I longed for the cool salty breeze that was always rising off the ocean and the beautiful tapestry of fall colors that would be splashed throughout the leaves in Beacon Hill park by now. I was miserable and afraid and homesick. It was almost a relief to know that one way or another, this nightmare would soon be over with.

I became distracted when Mags began talking to Sebastian in a low and intimate whisper. I tried to ignore them but it was hard not to glance their way as they sat directly across from me in the small and confining space. I became even more jealous when I realized that Mags had successfully pulled Sebastian from his silent, brooding thoughts and he started to smile and answer her in a quiet voice of his own. They were joking around about something in Gaelic and apparently quite enjoying each others’ company. I tried my best not to listen and stubbornly closed my eyes, wincing every time I heard Mags’ loud, joyful laugh and Sebastian’s quiet chuckles. It was a horrible, torturous train ride and was only the first of several in the days to come. I knew I deserved this punishment and heart-wrenching pain but it didn’t make it any easier to bear.

The quiet murmur of Sebastian’s voice in the background of my thoughts along with the train’s gentle bumps and rhythmic sway lulled me towards a strange kind of sleep. I was still aware of where I was and the people around me but I had also sunk so deeply into myself that my pain was numbed and my thoughts were strangely lucid and dreamlike.

I daydreamed in this quiet, gray place, letting my thoughts wander and leaving my pain behind me. It was within this peaceful sanctuary in my mind that a design began to form within my thoughts. The looping, twisting, thick black lines of a pattern gathered and took shape before I was even consciously aware of what was happening. My eyes snapped open.

“I need some paper, and a pen,” I announced, looking directly at Sebastian for the first time since we had boarded the train.

Mags and him were both staring at me in surprise. Sebastian looked unexpectedly guilty, suddenly leaning away from her.

“I thought you were sleeping…”

“Here,” Mags interrupted. She tossed a pen at me and then began digging through the pockets of her leather jacket. When she didn’t find what she was looking for she reached over and into Sebastian’s jacket pocket, digging around without hesitation. He looked as if he were about to object but before he could say a word she triumphantly pulled out a wrinkled yet clean-looking napkin.

“Use this.”

I snatched it from her hands, desperately trying to ignore them both and to hold the dark pattern in my mind. The pen trembled in my hand for a second as I took a deep, slow breath and worked to collect my thoughts. I then slowly began to draw, the first line of the pattern stretching out and then looping back on itself, my pen moving in a graceful dance across the wrinkled napkin.

“What-?” Sebastian began to ask. I was dimly aware of Mags hushing him. I shut them both out, pushed the world far away and let my mind find that quiet, powerful place waiting within.

It had been a long time since I’d let myself get lost in a drawing like this. It was peaceful and relaxing, and the perfect escape. As the design neared completion and I began to rise out of my trance, I became aware of exactly what it was I had drawn. My pen came to a halting stop. I fought the strong urge to tear up the drawing and throw it away. I immediately knew it was wrong.

“It’s part of your tattoo,” Mags stated calmly, speaking to Sebastian. There was something hidden deep within the thickly accented tones of her voice, an edge of uncertainty perhaps. “I think it’s from the one on your back,” she continued. I was surprised when she turned and addressed me. “What does it mean?”

I didn’t answer immediately. I frowned down at the drawing I had created, trying to understand it. I felt like I had known just a second ago exactly what it was but the certainty was rapidly fading.

I had been upset when I started drawing. I was angry at Mags and myself, and even Sebastian. I felt tortured and tormented by the present situation and the knowledge of the horrible things that Caoilinn had done. My emotions had summoned the power within me, had brought memories and knowledge from my past life forward to the present and I had created this design, this focal point for a spell that would… I quietly gasped.

“What?” Mags demanded. Sebastian placed a warning hand on her arm. The sight of him touching her made me flinch. He leant towards me, his voice and eyes patient and full of only half-buried pain.

“It’s okay, Gracelynn. If you don’t know…”

“I know.” I dropped my eyes in shame. “It’s a focal point, almost like instructions for a spell that… that causes pain, excruciating pain. It’s a method of torture that eventually causes death.” I spoke quietly, in a chilled voice that barely carried across the small space in our travel compartment.

My pronouncement was met with shocked silence, even Mags seemed stunned. I was so disgusted at this revelation, at this black and twisted spell that Caoilinn had discovered, that Sebastian had protected for hundreds of years having had it encrypted within the beautiful design of his tattoo, that I had to fight the nausea that was rapidly rising within me. I stared at the beige swirls in the dark brown, worn carpet that covered the floor in our compartment and focused on breathing in and out.

“We could use that spell on the Others,” Mags suggested.

“No,” Sebastian and I objected together. I briefly met his eye, appreciating his support and then dropped my gaze in shame once more. I was horrified by the cold, monstrous, darkness within me.

“Just a suggestion,” Mags dismissed, obviously trying to keep her voice light. “They can’t all be spells for torture and death though. No matter how twisted Caoilinn was, there must be some spells she knew that we can use.”

“I still can’t believe…” Sebastian started muttering to himself. I quickly glanced up to see him looking out the window again. He was scowling and squinting out at the sunny day, his forehead creased and his eyes straining. His lips were moving rapidly as he continued talking softly to himself. I met Mags’ eye to find a similar expression of alarm on her face as I could feel on my own. She reached over and tugged on his sleeve.

“Sebastian?”

He completely ignored her and closed his eyes. His whole face scrunched up tightly, his teeth clenched together as he muttered in a low and indistinguishable voice. I thought I saw a droplet of dark red blood gathering at the base of his nostril.

“Sebastian, please,” Mags coerced, reaching up to gently touch his face. He jerked away from her hand as if stung, his agitation clearly increasing. His voice began to grow louder, his words flowing faster and clearer. It was then that I realized he wasn’t speaking English but was rambling away in Gaelic. I had no idea what he was saying but Mags looked horrified. His whole face had drained of its natural color and was now a sickly grayish-white. A drop of blood trickled down from his nose, staining his lips a ghastly red.

I knew I had to do something.

I fell forward onto my knees before him, reaching up and firmly holding his face with both my hands. His mad ravings quieted and slowed at my touch, his pained expression relaxing slightly though not completely. Even in this desperate moment, it still felt so good to touch him, to be close to him once more.

“Stop, Sebastian. Come back to us,” I urged in a voice much calmer than I felt. His eyelids flickered at the sound of my voice but didn’t open. His muttering abruptly stopped as a low groan began building in his throat. The sound of it made chills run down my spine, the pain and suffering so clear in that one single noise that it terrified me through and through.

“What the hell are you doing to him?” Mags shrieked. She jumped up and grabbed at my arms, roughly pulling them from Sebastian’s face. What happened next shocked us both.

With her hands still on my arms, her face suddenly twisted and contorted in pain. She screamed both in anger and fear as she suddenly jerked away from me, shrinking back and sliding as far from me in the small space as she could get. I didn’t have time to consider what had happened as Sebastian began moaning again. His body had become rigid, his hands were clenched into fists and his head began to slowly shake back and forth.

I ignored Mags and grabbed his face again, firmly pulling his forehead against mine.

“Please, stop,” I begged. I hesitated only for a second before continuing, ignoring Mags as thoroughly as possible. “Seamus… please. Come back to me. Don’t leave me. I need you so much.” I was terrified and struggling not to panic. I wanted so badly for him to stop, for him to open his eyes and to be okay that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t happening. I instinctively knew he was lost in the past somewhere, losing himself to the overwhelming memories that swarmed his mind. And there was only one thing I could think to do to pull him back. I crushed my lips against his, kissing him as hard and roughly as I dared. I released all my passion, all my frustration and pain into that one moment, and all my boundless, eternal love for him.

His eyelids flickered again, his muscles began to relax. His cold lips, now warmed by mine, began to soften and yield, and to very slowly kiss me back. And the kiss that had begun with such rough desperation, slowly melted into the sweetest, most tender and heartfelt kiss that we had ever shared. A warm passion was steadily building within me and when he opened his eyes, for a second I could see the same loving warmth radiating out from deep within him. And then his eyes clouded and he was pushing me away.

“Caoilinn? I mean… Gracelynn? What…? Why were we…?” he blinked rapidly, looking around our compartment, desperately searching for something. His eyes fell on Mags, crouched in the corner, looking wary but fierce. She glared at us both accusingly, the pain clear in her eyes. “Mags. Mags, I’m sorry. I never meant to… I mean, we shouldn’t have…” he stuttered, more confused and discomposed than I’d ever seen him before. He looked back at me, his eyes begging me for help but I wasn’t sure what it was he wanted. I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore.

“Relax, Sebastian,” Mags snapped, she glared daggers at me as she slowly stood. “It’s not
your
effin’ fault.”

I felt confused myself as I remembered what had happened. How had I made Mags let go of me like that? And why had Sebastian kissed me back so passionately and then suddenly pushed me away? And why was he apologizing to her and not to me? My eyes tried to fill with angry and frustrated tears, a painful sob gathering and sticking deep in my chest. I stubbornly swallowed it back down.

“I’m still so confused… What happened? Was it another episode?” I was surprised when he directed the question at me. I wished I could give him another answer than the truth but I couldn’t lie to him. I silently nodded and the crease between his brows deepened. “But I thought… I thought it wouldn’t happen anymore. I thought if you and Mags both wanted me to stop remembering…”

“I thought so too,” Mags agreed. She dropped down heavily in the seat beside him, her eyes full of fury as she stared at me, vigorously rubbing her arms. “Caoilinn must want you to remember something; she’s forcing the memories back up and they’re scrambling your mind.”

“No, Gracelynn would never want to hurt me,” Sebastian automatically denied and for that, at least, I was grateful. He looked at me with questioning eyes though.

“She hurt
me
!” Mags pointed out sulkily. “She burnt my hands just now. She’s more powerful and goddamn capable than you know, Sebastian. She’s trying to hide her abilities from you but I can see the truth.”

“No! That’s not true!” I objected angrily, rising to my feet. “I was trying to help him and you were stopping me. I just wanted to make you let go. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Bullshit. You wanted me to feel pain.”

I opened my mouth to deny it but no sound came out as I realized the truth. I had wanted her to let go but I hadn’t wanted to be gentle about it. I had wanted her to feel some of the pain that I was feeling, if only for a second. What kind of monster was I?

“I just wanted to help Sebastian,” I continued in a quieter voice.

“Can’t you see he’s had enough of your effin’ ‘help’?” Mags spat back at me.

“Stop it – both of you!” Sebastian interrupted. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and began to dig his fingers into his temples. We both immediately fell silent. I was terrified for a moment that another ‘episode’ was about to begin. Sebastian slowly reopened his eyes though, his fingers sliding from his skull.

“We have nearly three more days left on this train together and we need to all start wanting the same thing if we’re going to have any chance of surviving the days after that. Let’s just put everything else aside and focus on working together. Please?” He looked back and forth between us, his eyes pleading in a way I suspected Mags was as powerless to deny as I.

Mags rolled her eyes. “Get real Sebastian,” she scolded but in a much lighter tone. “What, did you expect your wife and your girlfriend to be instant best friends?”