Silver Dew (26 page)

“I need to know though, Sebastian, if you’ve already had sex with her,” Mags continued bluntly. She flinched slightly as she said the words, obviously not wanting to think about it for too long. Despite myself, a warm glow began spreading across my cheeks.

“I will not answer that question. It’s none of your business.”

“I’m not asking because I’m curious – I’m asking because I have to know. That’s how Caoilinn was able to so thoroughly manipulate you in the first place. To be so physically intimate with her again would mean giving her full control over your mind and your will. Please, please tell me you didn’t.” Her eyes flickered nervously back and forth between us, the panic slowly and obviously rising in them. Sebastian took a breath to speak, his irritation clear but I interrupted, wanting to end this silliness.

“We didn’t,” I stated flatly.

“You didn’t have to answer her,” Sebastian quietly told me.

“I did. After all, she
is
your wife.”

I felt sick saying it aloud but it was obviously the truth and there was no denying it. Obviously, they must have been intimate. I had to face this fact and it pierced my heart with stabs of jealous, distrustful pain. Sebastian stiffened, opening his mouth as if to object. I could tell I had hurt him but no matter what the circumstances of our situation, Mags was his wife. How was it right to pretend otherwise? In a way, she did have the right to know.

Mags glanced at me grudgingly. “Thank you,” she muttered.

I didn’t answer. There was nothing I could say in response. Sebastian turned to me, a deep crease between his brows, his eyes such a dark-gray that they almost appeared to be black.

“Gracelynn… I think we should leave. We need to talk.”

“No!” Mags immediately objected. “There’s no effin’ way I’m letting you walk out that door.” Sebastian ignored her and waited patiently for my response. I felt so tired, so worn out, I just wanted to curl up under a blanket and sleep away the rest of this horrible day and hopefully when I awoke tomorrow, it would all have been a bad dream. I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

“I wanted to find someone who could help us, someone who would point us in the right direction, remember?” I reminded him. “I think… I think we might need Mags. She may be our only hope. We have to stay – for now.”

“Of course you need me,” Mags dismissed with an irritated snort. “It’ll take seven of the Others to overpower us now, as long as we stay together – and as long as we all want the same thing.”

“Numbers mean nothing. We still don’t have a way to stop them,” Sebastian pointed out.

“You might not, but I do.” This caught both of our attention. Mags smiled, obviously enjoying being in control of the situation once more. “For whatever reason, you may have wanted the Others to remember you, Sebastian, but I certainly didn’t and I still don’t – they don’t even know I exist. I can travel with you, take you to the head temple in Greece and we can ambush them, take ‘em down six at a time. They’d have no idea what was coming.”

“The head temple?” I asked. Mags ignored me.

“Six at a time? How many are there now?” Sebastian asked warily.

“There are thirteen of the Others – twelve of those you should remember, one more has joined since you and I left them. Altogether, there are sixteen people who possess the Lost Magic, including ourselves.”

“The Lost Magic,” I found myself whispering the phrase. Caoilinn had referred to our ability that way but this time, the words made more sense to me. It was a magic I had lost, a magic that had been lost itself in time, a magic that I felt I was losing myself and my life to all over again.

“Yes. You were the last one born to it naturally. The secrets and intricacies of it have been lost in time, just like your soul.” Mags made the statement an insult. Anger briefly sparked within me.

“And what will we do with the Others once we ambush them?” Sebastian asked.

“We’ll kill them,” Mags pronounced coldly, her eyes green daggers poised for the kill. In that moment, it was nearly impossible to believe that she was a girl of just seventeen as she had initially appeared. As she spoke, I saw the ancient, dangerous being that she truly was – and I felt afraid.

“No,” I immediately objected, despite my fear. “I won’t do it again, I can’t. I won’t kill any of them – I refuse. There has to be another way.”

Mags eyed me curiously, a new wariness in her eyes that made her look older still. “Again? You have been busy, Caoilinn.”

“Mags,” Sebastian warned.

I suddenly hated the familiar way that he spoke to her and jealousy flared up within me, hot and full of bitter fury. My necklace throbbed painfully against my chest as I struggled to get my emotions back under control.

Mags gave him a cheeky smirk as she turned her attention away from me. “We don’t have to kill them with magic. We can knock ‘em unconscious and then do it the old-fashioned way. It’ll be just like old times,” she added with a twisted laugh.

Sebastian looked as horrified as I felt. The smile quickly slipped from Mags’ face when she noticed the change in his expression.

“Relax, Sebastian. My God! It was just a joke. But really, how else do you expect to deal with them?”

Her question was met with silence once more.

“There has to be another way. We’ll think of something,” Sebastian assured me. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

I forced myself to look at Mags, pushing the words to my lips. “How can we trust you?” I immediately regretted speaking as Mags fixed me with an icy glare. I forced myself to stand my ground though, to meet and hold her eye.

“You’re asking
me
that?”

“How can we trust you?” Sebastian repeated for me, his voice as cold as Mags’ expression.

“They want to kill you, Sebastian – they will kill you if they catch you. I’d die if they took you from me.” Her eyes softened, her words grew hushed. It was another intimate moment that I was intruding upon. Sebastian awkwardly cleared his throat.

“How can I trust you to keep Gracelynn safe?” he rephrased.

She met his gaze levelly, without hesitation.

“The Binding that Caoilinn cast between your souls in the moments before her death was selfish and cruel for so many reasons. One of the many implications was that it intensified the pain of her death for you, ten-fold. In one instant your soul was bound to hers for eternity and then just as suddenly it was ripped away. I know how that pain has tormented you throughout the centuries that followed, and especially since the Binding has now been recast and the connection is now doubly-strong…
I
would never, ever put you through that pain again.” Mags spoke with such passionate conviction that it was impossible to doubt her words. I looked down at my hands in shame as I was forced to face up to all the blind mistakes I had made, all the suffering I had caused through those seemingly-innocent acts of speaking Sebastian’s true name aloud and then recasting the Binding spell between us. I was overwhelmed by my guilt, it dragged me down to a dark and black place that I wondered if I’d ever escape from. Was I really no better than Caoilinn then?

I rose from the couch; I could take no more. I felt like I was suffocating, like I was drowning with no hope of ever breathing the fresh, sweet air again. Sebastian watched me move, his eyes wide with confusion and fear as I started to walk towards the door.

“Gracelynn, stop! Where are you going?” Sebastian called after me. I could hear the panic rising in his voice. I was afraid to see his expression and lose my strength so I didn’t turn around.

“I need to get out of here,” I mumbled, my voice thick, my words barely coherent.

“Let her go,” I heard Mags’ voice say.

Another spark of anger flared that I quickly smothered. She was right. He should just let me go. I picked up my pace, throwing open the apartment door and rushing out into the hall. I made it almost to the stairwell at the hall’s end before I collapsed to the floor, my head in my hands as my thoughts and emotions spun wildly around me and I struggled just to breathe.

I thought I wanted to be alone but I must have really just wanted to get away from
her
. Sebastian found me almost immediately. He sat down beside me and leant against the wall, waiting patiently for me to look up. He didn’t reach for me, didn’t touch me, he just waited until my breathing steadied and I slowly looked up to let my eyes meet his. We shared a look in silence – pain, regret and suffering dominating both of our expressions.

Sebastian looked away first. He pulled out a cigarette, lit it and offered it to me. I said no with a quick shake of my head.

The hall was eerily silent. Mags hadn’t followed us and there were no sounds or signs of any other tenants though the building appeared to be populated and well maintained. All I could hear was my shaky breathing and the crackling of Sebastian’s cigarette as the cherry flared brighter and burned up the tobacco and paper with each drag he took.

It was my turn to wait in silence. It wasn’t until he butted his cigarette out against the sole of his boot that I turned my head towards him. His expression was painful to see, his eyes burned with regret, his beautiful mouth so sad, the faint lines around his eyes and across his forehead deepened from stress and fear. He met my gaze steadily, allowing his pain to flood through his eyes and out from his soul.

“I’m so sorry, Gracelynn,” he whispered and I knew he meant every word.

I nodded, my eyes filling with more tears. In that moment, I hated myself so much. “I’m sorry too.” I slowly slid the beautiful, silver engagement ring from my finger. “I can’t accept this any more.” My voice was barely louder than a whisper but I knew he heard every word. I held the delicate ring out to him with my badly shaking hand.

“I won’t take it back. I love you. I still want to be with you, to marry you.” He lifted his hand towards my face but I quickly turned away, unable to bear the heartbreak that I was causing him. It hurt me more than he could ever know.

“I don’t see how you can anymore,” I replied sadly. The tears began to flood my eyes and I didn’t even try to stop them. They blurred my vision and choked my throat as I held the ring out to him again. This time I wasn’t quite able to meet his eye. “Please, take it.”

“No. It’s yours. Don’t do this Gracelynn, please. Just talk to me–”

“What choice do I have? You’re married, Sebastian, to Mags. And your love for me, your love for Caoilinn, it was all based on lies. Everything I’ve ever done has been wrong…”

“We don’t know that. I don’t believe that – I can’t.”

I glanced at him as he shook his head. I never should have looked. The tears that quivered on his lashes and washed through his beautiful eyes tore at my heart and soul. I could see the pain I was causing him and it was unbearable. I stuffed the engagement ring into my pocket and tried to take a slow breath. I needed him to accept the truth. I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.

“I’m leaving,” I quietly announced. His expression broke at my words, a silent ‘no’ of horror forming on his lips. I found myself whispering the words to him through the hot, salty tears that began sliding down my cheeks. “I want you to go back and talk to Mags. I want you to let me go. I just want you to have a chance at the happiness I don’t think I can ever give you.”

“Gracelynn, please,” he begged as I rose and began walking away once more. Only this time, I didn’t want him to follow me. This time, I knew what I had to do.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated before stepping out into the stairwell and rushing down the flights of stairs. With tears streaming down my face, I fled from Sebastian, from Mags, from the past and from the truth as fast and as far as I possibly could.

Chapter Eleven – Lost

I blindly wandered the streets of Berlin all day. I wanted to be ignored, to crawl under a rock and disappear, and so, not a single person looked my way. My moods flickered between numb disbelief, bitter anger and an all-consuming, broken-hearted sorrow. It was one of the worst days of my life and would have easily won the prize if it weren’t for the still fresh memory of Sebastian being nearly beaten to death last winter. I clung to that horrible memory, reminding myself that though this was bad, that day had been so much worse. I could survive this, I would survive.

I found myself buying a pack of cigarettes of all things and ended up lighting them one by one but never taking a puff. At some point the scent of cigarette smoke had become impossibly intertwined with my memories of Sebastian. There was something unexpectedly calming about watching a cigarette slowly burn itself out as the twists and curls of thin, gray smoke entwined themselves through the air.

The rain came and went throughout the day. Towards dusk, the raindrops began to fall more heavily, the sky darkening unusually early because of the thick, black clouds. I let myself get drenched, willing the icy drops to wash away my shame and pain, to erase all traces of the past that seemed to cling to me wherever I went. It was almost refreshing to splash through the puddles along the still-bustling, early evening streets. As raindrops soaked through my clothes and ran down my face, I began to feel increasingly at peace. There was turmoil still clawing away at my center and pain gnawing on the edges of my heart but I could accept it, for now. I could push it far enough away from my immediate thoughts that I could function, that I could think, that I could survive. And with this calmer, more rational sense of mind, I could see what I had to do. I had to go back.