Signed, Sealed, Delivered (17 page)

After all he’d inflicted on his old partner, Connor didn’t agree. More likely Jason wanted to spare Tracy from taking a big fall by still associating with Connor.

Tracy’s mouth bowed into a frown. “Max is gonna find out about everything. You know he will. What did you do to him anyway?”

“I got a lot of listings he thought should’ve gone to him.”

“Beat him at his own game, huh? No wonder he’s after your blood.”

“If he finds out, that’s exactly what he’ll do. Draw blood. He’ll ruin me in this town.”

And with Juliana.

“You need to talk to Juliana, Connor.
Now.
If you’re wrong and she hasn’t figured it out, you want her to hear it from you and not from that snake in the grass.”

Tracy was right. As usual.

Now he just needed to find the courage to bare his soul to Juliana. If he didn’t, he’d lose far more than he’d lost back in Indianapolis. That had been a tragic nightmare.

Losing Juliana would be even worse.

“Can we talk now?” Connor sat down on the side of the bed next to Juliana.

They’d left not long after Ben served the meal. The Ladies Who Lunch went aside and huddled for a few minutes, and then Juliana announced the two of them were leaving. From the angry expressions her friends directed his way, the proverbial cat was definitely out of the bag.

Connor was pretty sure she’d shared his problem with her friends—at least that was what he thought happened. Until Juliana opened up, he couldn’t know. If she had talked about it with them, he had a right to be troubled, but he understood how special and close the bond was between the women. Heaven knew he leaned on Tracy every bit as much. Juliana needed their support now.

He hoped she’d continue to need their support in the years to come because she’d stay with him, both as a partner and as the woman he loved. After what she’d learned, he could understand if she wanted to sprint the other direction. But they were good together in so many ways. How could she not see that? How could she not see how hard he was working to stay away from his addiction?

Marriage was his ultimate goal, and if Connor could get Juliana to agree, she’d have to adopt the important rules in his life—the twelve steps that kept him walking the straight and narrow.

The faraway and rather forlorn expression on her face made his heart beat faster as pure fear gripped him.

Would she leave him just because he had a problem that was now held in check?

He reached for her hand. “Talk to me, Red. Please.”

She moved her hand to her lap, lacing her fingers in a tight clench. “I—I don’t know. I just—”

“Juliana.” This time he tried to wrap an arm around her shoulder.

She popped to her feet. “Not now. Not… yet. I—I can’t do this yet.”

With a weighty sigh, he raked his fingers through his hair. What if he’d guessed wrong and she didn’t know his secret? Why couldn’t she tell him exactly what had thrown her into such a sour mood? He needed to know for sure.

“You don’t want to talk this out, but you’re still pissed at me,” he said. “Why can’t you tell me what you’re thinking? Then I can have a chance to explain.”

Juliana gave her head a vigorous shake, grabbed her nightshirt, and retreated to the bathroom.

Tracy’s warning echoed through his thoughts:
Tell her. Now. Before someone else does.

But it was already too late. Juliana knew. She had to know. Nothing else would have caused this type of reaction.

Shit.
He should’ve told her a long time ago. Things had been going so damn well, he’d thought the past could stay buried in the past.

He’d been wrong.

Connor jerked his shirt over his head and stripped off his pants, getting ready for bed even though he probably wouldn’t sleep a wink. Since he’d moved in with Juliana, he often waited until she fell asleep, enjoying the peacefulness that settled on him to have her close. Then he’d sneak out to the office to get a little more of the never-ending paperwork completed.

But not tonight. Tonight he needed to hold her, to know she could accept him, no matter how flawed.

He went to the bathroom door. Knocking with the backs of his knuckles, he tried again. “Red? Come to bed? Please? I want to tell you something—something important.”

Something you figured out but I was too much of a coward to confess.

The door opened, and she stared at him with an intensity that sent a shiver racing the length of his spine.

Oh yeah, she already knew every single embarrassing piece of the puzzle.

“I only want to know one thing, Connor.” Her voice quavered. “Why didn’t you tell me before? You should’ve told me!” She brushed past him to her side of the bed and plopped down. “You lied to me.”

He wanted to deny the accusation, yet the words froze in his throat. He
had
lied to her—a lie of omission by keeping his silence. “You’re right. I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.” Watching for any indication she’d run, he eased down next to her. Their bare thighs brushed, but she made no move to pull away.

A good sign?

Now he was getting desperate.

“You’re sorry?” Juliana gaped at him, her gaze full of fury. “That’s
all
you have to say to me?”

“You found out. I get it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. There’s no excuse for that. I—I was embarrassed. Humiliated. I wanted you to look at me without always seeing the condemnation in your eyes.”

“I don’t condemn you,” she retorted. Then she shrugged. “It’s not your fault. Not really.”

“It was my fault. I should’ve controlled myself. I take full responsibility for my actions. And trust me, I always learn from my mistakes.”

“It’s a disease, Connor. Some people just deal with it better than others. Probably doesn’t help that everyone is always throwing temptation your way. Including me. I’m sorry for that. If I’d have known…”

“It’s not that bad,” he replied. “Not really. I steer clear of anyplace that might be a problem. Staying busy helps, too. Good thing is we’re really busy right now. It’s not like I spend a lot of time with people who indulge. A disease, though?” He shook his head. “Nah. It’s more of a personal weakness, and it’s behind me. Forever.”

“Forever? Isn’t one of your steps admitting you have a problem and that it will always be a problem?”

“I suppose. I figured it’s better to ignore it than dwell on it.”

“I’ll stop, too,” she promised with a decisive nod. “That should make it easier on you.”

“Didn’t know you played.”

“Played? Played what?”

“The lottery.”

Her brows knit as her confused gaze searched his. “What in the hell are you talking about? I thought we were talking about you drinking too much.”

Oh God.

Connor mentally kicked himself. He’d never come out and said what his problem was, so Juliana had obviously leapt to her own conclusion. A very wrong conclusion. “I’m not a drunk,” he said.

“Connor,” she took his hand. “I’ve dealt with this before. My ex had the same problem, although he’d never admit it. Not even after all this time. Denying it only makes it worse.”

“I’m not a drunk, Juliana.”

Her sigh hung in the air. “If you don’t accept it—”

“I’m
not
a
drunk
.”

* * *

Juliana wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

She’d finally come to terms with her discovery. Connor was an alcoholic. That was all there was to it. He would always be an alcoholic. The good thing was that he wasn’t at all like Jimmy.

She could live with the revelation.

Connor had stopped drinking, reached out for help, and kept in close contact with his AA sponsor. He was a recovering alcoholic.

Of course, she hadn’t seen him drunk yet. God willing, she never would. Besides, with her helping him—encouraging him, keeping him busy with their business—he’d have a strong ally in his fight for sobriety. “I accept it. I do. My ex was an alcoholic and—”

His growl was a lot more intimidating than Mallory’s had been. “Yes, Red, I have a problem, but drinking isn’t it.”

“I’m confused.”

“Obviously.”

She blinked a few times, trying to solve the puzzle he’d tossed in her lap. “You’re telling me you’re not an alcoholic? You’re not just in denial?”

Connor stood, walked to the wall, and rapped his forehead against it a few times.

Despite her anger and curiosity, Juliana hated seeing him so miserable. Her love for him hadn’t changed. She went to him, rubbing her palms across his bare shoulders. “Tell me. Please. Trust me on this, whatever it is can’t be as bad as the things I’m imagining right now. If you’re not an alcoholic, what are you?”

He faced her, looking her right in the eye. “I’m a compulsive gambler.”

“What?”

“A gambler, Juliana. If I start gambling, I can’t stop.”

Juliana couldn’t seem to register his words.

A compulsive gambler?

Gamblers were people with no self-control. Connor couldn’t possibly be a gambler. The man had anal retentive down to an art form. His whole life was an exercise in control.

A gambler?

No. No way.

But the words had spilled from his own mouth. He’d confessed with a clear, steady voice, the way any recovering addict should.

She shook her head, trying to clear away her confusion. “I—I don’t understand. I thought… But you said…” She considered smacking her forehead against the wall the same way Connor had, maybe until she was unconscious and didn’t have to deal with the revelation.

“Come sit with me. I’ll try to explain.” After he led her to the bed he pulled her down on his lap.

For the first time since she’d jumped to the wrong conclusion, Juliana allowed him to hold her. She leaned her head against his shoulder and surrendered. And it felt wonderful—wonderful enough she calmed down and could listen to his story.

Then she’d forgive and help him.

Because she could never live without him.

Why couldn’t life ever be simple? What was it about her that turned everything in her life from normal to disaster in the blink of an eye?

“It started with the lottery.” He slid up the hem of her nightshirt and stroked her thigh as he spoke, clearly needing the contact as much as she did. “A set of lucky numbers. Then another. Then I starting feeling like I had to cover every number I considered lucky. If I didn’t… well…” He shrugged. “If I didn’t, I couldn’t stand it. All I could think was that if I didn’t buy all those tickets I’d be losing out on a fortune. It became an obsession.”

“What kind of lucky numbers?” she asked.

“Birthdays. Addresses. Phone numbers. You name it, I used it. I had a stack of cards to have some gas station clerk or grocery store worker run through a machine every day.”

“Every day? I thought the lottery was once a week.” Since she’d never played before, Juliana needed a quick education in her lover’s addiction. The more she knew, the better she could help him.

“Nope. They have some kind of drawing every damn day. Twice some days. I couldn’t make myself stop. I always won small amounts, just enough to convince me that I had a chance at the jackpot—at
all
the jackpots. The state lottery. A couple of national lotteries.” He rubbed his chin against the top of her head. “You know what the stupidest thing was?”

She nodded, bumping his chin.

“I didn’t need the money. I was closing five houses a week. Minimum. I had two assistants and was raking in the dough. It was like I’d suddenly caught some fever.” He took a deep breath. “Then it got worse. A friend took me with him to the racetrack. Horse races can have some big payoffs, and I was positive I’d win a fortune there. I had a system, a surefire way to pick winners.”

“But it didn’t work?” she asked anyway, even though she already knew the answer. “Winning systems” never worked.

“No, it didn’t,” Connor continued, his voice quavering. “A few months later, they opened the slot machines at the track. So once the last race ended, I’d wander into the casino. I’d feed a slot machine for hours, like some mindless robot.”

Juliana cupped his cheeks in her hands and rested her forehead against his, having no idea what to say. Someone had pulled the rug right out from under her feet, and she couldn’t seem to get her balance back. Her heart ached for what he’d suffered even as her mind struggled to understand how a man that smart could be sucked into something so stupid.

But wasn’t that the nature of addictions?

As she’d learned from her ex, smart had nothing to do with it.

“I’m sorry if I disappointed you.” His voice choked with emotion.

“You didn’t disappoint me.”

“Bullshit.”

She gave him a slow, heartfelt kiss. “You didn’t disappoint me. You… surprised me.”

“I’m sorry, Red.”

“I know.” Her heart was his.

But what about her career?

This man wasn’t just her lover, he was her business partner. Would she have established that relationship if she’d known about his problems with gambling?

“Oh God!” Her hand flew to her mouth as the implications hit her. “Your firm… back in Indianapolis. You didn’t…” She couldn’t even say her worst fear—that Connor had embezzled to feed his habit.

“They found out. Since I was their most successful agent, they let things slide. For a while.” He leaned back, held tight to her upper arms, and narrowed his eyes. “Wait, do you think I stole from them?”

“No.” God help her, she wasn’t sure.

The man she loved couldn’t possibly be a thief.

Of course she hadn’t known he was a gambler, either.

Maybe she didn’t truly know him at all.

Although he didn’t give her a hard shake, his eyes burned with the desire to. “I never took a dime from my old firm unless it was in the form of commission.” His voice held a note of hurt among all the anger.

Not that she could blame him. “Connor, I’m sorry, I…”

What was she supposed to say? That she was terrified he’d start gambling again and destroy what they’d worked so hard to create?

Connor released a weighted sigh as he dropped his grip. “You were only thinking what everyone back in Indy thought. That was why I finally resigned and moved away.” He nudged her chin until he stared into her eyes. “But I swear, Juliana, I swear the money I lost was all mine. My checking. My savings. My retirement nest egg. They’re all gone. But I didn’t touch money from my clients or my firm. Not once.”

“What I don’t get is why Tracy is your sponsor. She’s an alcoholic. Shouldn’t a recovering gambler be helping you instead?”

“Addiction is addiction. Besides, Tracy is the only constant in my life. She understands me in a way no other sponsor could.”

“Why?”

“Shared history. We go back to middle school.” He smiled, picturing different times he and Tracy had gotten themselves into a pickle only to bail each other out. “Once my parents died, she was all I had left. I didn’t have brothers or sisters or cousins. I worked so much it wasn’t conducive to making friends. Tracy was always there. So when I realized I had a problem, what better person to turn to? I’d helped her in her time of need, and she returned the favor.”

Juliana nodded, finally releasing the gnawing jealousy that could have easily come between them. “How much did you lose, Connor?”

His gaze shifted to the wall. “A lot. An awful lot. Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

Bowing her head, she tried to make sense of the nuclear bomb he’d dropped and consider all the implications. Her heart felt shredded, and her body ached as though she’d been pulled in different directions until her muscles snapped.

Juliana loved Connor, that love driving her to hold him, to comfort him. To tell him she understood and forgave.

But what about Kelley-Wilson Realty?

Cloverleaf was a small town, and gossip ripped through the citizens with the intensity of a tornado. If anyone in this unforgiving burg found out why Connor left Indianapolis, no one would want to work with him—or her.

“I—I love you, Juliana.”

“What?”

His eyes captured hers. “I love you.”

* * *

Several emotions crossed Juliana’s face. Some Connor expected after his confession. But one of them? One of them took him by surprise.

Fear.

Juliana’s spine was made of steel, one of the reasons she was so damned good at sales. She could stand her ground, holding tight to her convictions and not showing an ounce of fear.

At that moment, she looked terrified, and she trembled in his arms.

But why? Because of his first confession?

Or his second?

Words crowded his throat, blocking a single one from spilling from his lips. While he desperately wanted her to return his declaration of love, she needed time. He’d thrown his addiction in her path with not a word to prepare her for the shock.

Then he’d told her he loved her.

No wonder the woman was catatonic.

He needed her to love him in return.

The silence stretched, growing awkward until she squirmed, trying to crawl off his lap.

Connor squeezed her tighter. “Talk to me, baby. Please.”

“I—I don’t know what to say.”

“Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

She snorted. “
I
don’t even know what I’m thinking.”

“Touché.” At least she’d stopped wiggling. “Look, I won’t let you down. Not personally. Not professionally. I’m in control of this. I stay away from the temptation. I stay away from alcohol and—that’s it! That’s why you thought I was an alcoholic.”

“You always have soda or tea.”

“I’ve never been much of a drinker. It also dawned on me that if I drank while I played the slots, I kinda lost myself. Figured staying away from anything that reminded me of my problem was my best bet.” This time, he snorted. “If you’ll excuse the terrible pun.”

At least Juliana chuckled.

He gave her a quick kiss. “I need to know, Red.”

“Know? Know what?”

“That you understand.”
That you love me, too.

She burst to her feet and paced the length of the room and back, all the while wringing her hands. “Connor… I… I…” A low groan slipped out as she kept up her pacing. “I know you think it’s behind you. But what if, what if it isn’t?” Planting herself in front of him, she wrapped her arms around herself. “What then?”

“That’s the same question I ask myself every single day. And I give myself the same answer I’m going to give you.” He took a deep breath and blew it out. “I can only deal with my problem one day at a time.”

Her eyes widened. “That’s it? That’s all you can say to me?”

“Afraid so.” Standing, he tried to pry her arms away from hugging herself. He needed to feel her in his arms. “C’mere. Please.”

After a moment of resistance, Juliana dropped her rigid posture and let Connor draw her into his embrace. She laid her cheek against his chest.

“I can’t swear it’ll never happen again,” he said. “But I can swear I will do my very best to never disappoint you. I love you. I love working with you. I will try my damnedest to never mess up our relationship or our business.”

She nodded, rubbing her cheek against his bare chest as he stroked her hair. Gently, he pulled the ponytail holder to let her locks loose, the way he liked them. Then he combed his fingers through the tresses.

Despite knowing patience was needed, he couldn’t help himself. “Don’t you have something to say to me?”

“Should I?”

“I told you I love you, Juliana.”

“I know. Thanks.”

“ ‘Thanks’? Who are you? Han Solo?”

Pushing back, she stared up into his eyes. “Connor, I never asked you to love me.”

This conversation wasn’t easy to follow. “Meaning?”

“Meaning that I consider your love a gift—one I return with all my heart.” Her lips found his. After a gentle kiss, she eased back. “Meaning that I love you, too.”

He hugged her hard, finding it difficult for him to lighten his hold. “You love me?”

“Not for long if you smother me.”

But he didn’t want to let her go.

“Connor, I can’t breathe.”

Reluctantly, he lessened his grip until she moved out of his arms. Then she kissed him again, throwing her arms around his neck and flattening her lightly clad breasts against his chest.

Desire flooded his senses, and the need to make love to her—to show her his love now that he’d confessed it—was overwhelming. Walking backward, he waited until the mattress hit the backs of his thighs before he collapsed onto the bed, dragging Juliana on top of him.

He ravaged her mouth, savoring her taste and the slide of her tongue over his. Bending his knee, he nestled her against his groin, letting each gentle movement of her hips stroke his already stiff cock.

The kisses continued, even as he dragged her nightshirt up, tearing his lips away only long enough to jerk it over her head. The first touch of her bare breasts against his pecs was heaven.

Rolling over, he pinned her to the bed. “I love you,” he whispered before burying his lips against her neck.

She shivered and laced her fingers through his hair. “I love you, too.”

He moved lower, taking a hardened nipple into his mouth as he also eased her panties down. One hard suck and she arched her back, making it easier to move the lacy barrier.

The scent of her arousal sent electricity racing straight to his groin. He kissed her stomach, stopping to press his lips to her lower belly. He glanced up to find her propped up on her elbows staring down at him.

“We haven’t been very careful,” she said.

His lips brushed her skin again. “Think you’ve got a baby hiding in there?”

“Time will tell.”

He was only inches from kissing the most intimate part of her—not exactly the time for a serious conversation about having kids together. There had already been enough heavy discussions for one day. If Juliana was pregnant, that would be another issue to tackle at another time.

He eased one finger deep inside her as he licked between her folds.

* * *

Every thought Juliana had of babies and gambling and the future fled. The feel of his tongue and lips working on her sensitive nub took hold of her mind and her body.

Connor added a second finger, thrusting in a rhythm that had her hips rising from the bed to match him.

After the flurry of deep emotions they’d just shared, she wasn’t at all surprised when her body strained for climax so quickly. She’d been tied in knots, and one by one, he was untying them. Her core throbbed in need, and she tugged hard on his hair, wanting him deep inside her when she came.

And then he was there, his cock sliding into her as he groaned her name.

She was so close. Wrapping her legs around his hips, she bit him gently on his shoulder, lightly scoring his skin with her teeth.

His thrusts became hard and deep, the speed increasing until he was frantically pushing inside her. When he shouted his climax, she was only a heartbeat behind.