Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens (13 page)

The important things for Alex to ask himself are “Did I meet my realistic goal?” and “Did I move toward my values?” And the answer is yes to both questions. To help him appreciate what he accomplished and interrupt his “would have, should have, could have” thinking, Alex filled out this postexposure chart.

Alex is in the pool now, up to about his ankles. This may seem like a small step, but it is an important one and it sure beats watching longingly from the deck. Ginelle may or may not remember him next time their paths cross, but if he continues using his compass he will get to know her better. He might become her friend, or he might find out that Ginelle really isn’t his type and wind up pursuing other girls instead. Alex’s world is opening up. It won’t be perfect; he’ll certainly make mistakes, and he’ll probably have to tolerate lots of anxious thoughts and feelings, but it is a slightly bigger, more interesting world to live in now. Your world can be expanded too. Are you ready to act on what is important to you and move ahead toward your values?

At which end of the leash do you want to be?

On the next page are blank pre- and post-exposure forms for you. Remember to start with the least scary aspect of your avoidance situation, preferably one with a fear factor of less than 5. And remember that even though this is the lowest rung on your ladder, it should be treated as seriously as though it were the highest. Think carefully about each and every field in the charts. Each step helps you prepare for the next one.

Now that you’ve started doing exposures, you are on a new path, headed in an unfamiliar direction. You will need to consult your values compass often. There will be new, more challenging situations around every bend, and tempting avoidance detours that promise to quiet your fears. To continue forward and meet your goals, you will need to repeat the exposure process over and over. The good news is that every exposure, if done correctly, builds insight and confidence, making possible a life lived according to your values.

To help you understand how repeated exposures move you up the ladder, let’s follow Bella as she climbs hers. Like you, Bella started off by choosing something from the master list of avoidance situations in chapter 1—in her case, situations where people would see her blushing. This avoidance has been a problem for her because it has gotten in the way of answering or asking questions in class, talking to her friends, and applying for jobs. And those things were all consistent with her values:

• to share more of herself and be known by others
  
• to go to college (she’d need to participate in class to get better grades)
  
• to be more independent
  

Bella made a list of the situations she’d have to stop avoiding in order to reach her goals. She started at the top with the scariest thing, and worked backward, listing less and less scary things toward the bottom.

With no money for eating out, Bella decided to start out by telling a personal story to a group of her friends. Some funny things had happened when she went for her driver’s test the previous weekend. The story would be easy to tell everyone in a text or online, but she had some very anxious thoughts about doing it face-to-face.

Bella was pretty sure her anxious thoughts were accurate, but she’d been dying to tell someone the story, so she asked herself, “If those things happen, what will I do?” To help herself answer that question, she filled out an exposure form.

After school on Friday, the topic of driving came up, so Bella swallowed hard, cleared her throat, and said, “You guys wanna hear about my driver’s test?”

Bella was right about one thing. She definitely blushed. But her predictions of her friends’ reactions were off. Here’s what her postexposure chart looked like.

The next rung on the ladder was to test the danger of blushing in front of a bigger group by raising her hand and answering a question in class. Although she usually knew the answers, Bella never raised her hand; in fact, she sat in the back row and angled herself out of the teachers’ lines of vision to avoid being called upon. She was certain that if she spoke in class everyone would look at her and notice her crimson face. Her last exposure had gone well, but it didn’t give her enough courage for this. “After all,” she thought, “they were my friends. I’m sure I won’t get that kind of slack from my algebra class.”

Bella’s mind was reeling. Writing it all down in the chart really helped her organize her thoughts.

In math class the next day, just thinking about raising her hand brought a rush of blood to Bella’s cheeks. She felt like she was doomed, but she rechecked her values compass and reminded herself where she wanted to go. When the teacher asked a question that nobody seemed to know the answer to, Bella inched her hand upward into the void.

It took several minutes for her heart to stop pounding and her cheeks to cool down, but Bella survived the test. She couldn’t be sure, but it seemed as though her blushing didn’t matter that much to the class. She filled out her chart as soon as she got home from school.