Short Back and Sides (8 page)

24 September 2009

Customer
(a pensioner): I've no time for that Bertie fella. It was the women of Ireland who voted him back in after he turned on the waterworks on TV.

Barber:
I remember hearing about him shedding a tear in the interview. I haven't seen it, though.

Customer:
Just as well. It's shameful! I've no time for a lad who plays the victim to get what he wants!

26 September 2009

Customer:
Will you trim the Brillo Pads there? Keep them long but not so bushy.

3 October 2009

Customer:
Bertie was a good housekeeper. He kept things ticking over, but we needed a lot more.

Barber:
Yeah, we needed a Taoiseach!

4 October 2009

Customer:
Did you see Michael O'Leary and Eamon Dunphy were calling for a Yes vote?

Barber:
I had a lad tell me he was voting Yes because it's so much easier going on holidays with the euro currency!

Customer:
Jaysus. There's all sorts out there. Well, I'm voting Yes because there's no-one to lead us out of the bankruptcy we've found ourselves in. When things were good here during the Celtic Tiger days the health system was crumbling and education needed more cash to build schools—there are still many rented prefab schools around the country. Industry was ignored. The main business being done was in construction. This is particularly annoying: when the money was there, job creation should have been a priority. So, if our leaders couldn't do it, how are we to get the country up and running when we're now post-boom, borrowing money just to pay the wages? So a Yes vote sees the Irish people throwing a lifeline to Europe to save our sinking ship. Eamon Gilmore summed it up well, saying we were gritting our teeth while voting Yes.

Barber:
I see you've been putting a bit of thought into your vote. I agree. We had no choice this time: it was sink or swim.

Customer:
If only Castro wasn't so ill!

5 October 2009

Customer:
My girlfriend is pregnant, and I'm down in the 24-hour every other night buying stuff she's craving.

Barber:
So what's the weirdest thing she's asked for?

Customer:
Firelighters.

7 October 2009

A concerned parent told me this story while we were talking about the recent earthquake in Indonesia.

Customer:
My son is in New Zealand at the moment, so I rang him when I heard about the earthquake and tsunami warning they had over there. I wanted to see if he was okay.

Barber:
That must have been a worry. Was he all right?

Customer:
Well, he was. He told me there was a warning on the radio to go to higher ground, and he said that, instead, everyone was heading to the beach with their surfboards!

Barber:
No-one wanted to miss out on the ride of a lifetime!

9 October 2009

Customer:
I was doing some work in Mountjoy Prison this week, and they have those disinfectant handwash gels everywhere because of the swine flu.

Barber:
We have them here too. They're everywhere now.

Customer:
Well, they were going through so many each day that the staff were confused. So they were keeping an eye, and they found that the prisoners were drinking them!

Barber:
They have a lot of alcohol in the gel. It's probably like vodka if you mix it with orange juice. You must see some sights in there!

Customer:
I do, but my favourite is the retro page-3 girls. Depending on how long the lads have been there, they could have pictures on their cell wall from the day they arrived. Someone serving time since the eighties would have pictures of Sam Fox or Linda Lusardi. It's a real blast seeing them again.

Barber:
Wow, that was so long ago. Lusardi is in ‘Emmerdale' now.

Customer:
She's wearing more clothes now! Still a good-looking woman, though.

10 October 2009

A barman from Eamonn Doran's (recently closed) told me this story:

Customer:
Shane MacGowan was in Doran's a while ago. I think he's a friend of Dermot Doran. Anyway, he asked me for a pint of gin and lemon. ‘Okay,' I said. ‘Do you want lemon cordial or fizzy lemon?' ‘No,' he says, ‘a slice of lemon!'

14 October 2009

Customer:
Did you know Hitler's brother worked in the Shelbourne Hotel as a waiter?

Barber:
Ah, that's not true.

Customer:
It is true. He was a confidence trickster. He pretended to be a wealthy Austrian hotel-owner on a tour of Europe, and he ended up marrying a woman from Clondalkin. I'm telling you, look it up. See for yourself. His son was called Paddy Hitler.

Barber:
Come on, now, I know you're having me on. Paddy Hitler?

Customer:
You can say what you want, but that's a true story!

15 October 2009

Customer:
I had laser surgery on my eyes the other day!

Barber:
I hear that works really well.

Customer:
It's fantastic. It's like high definition. I was at a match the day after the surgery, and I could see the ball so clearly. Before it was just a blur!

Barber:
I have that problem, but I never considered laser surgery. I can see perfectly close up, but I can't see anything clearly if it's far away.

Customer:
You should try it. You won't believe how good it is. I decided to get my eyes done after I was waiting on a bus one day and I put my hand out to stop a Brennan's Bread van!

17 October 2009

Customer:
I'd like a new style. Can you use a different bowl this time?

Barber:
Smartarse!

25 October 2009

Customer:
Did you see John O'Donoghue was flying up and down from Kerry to Dublin with his driver going earlier in the car so it would be there when he arrived? We were paying for an empty car going across the country. Spending like there was no tomorrow!

Barber:
I heard someone on the radio say he was living on the other side of the wardrobe—in Narnia!

27 October 2009

Customer:
Take those hairs out of the ears there. Wait till you get to my age, they start growing everywhere except where they should. Did you know that?

Barber:
Did I know what?

Customer:
A good fright will turn the hair white overnight.

Barber:
Ah, that's just an old wives' tale.

Customer:
Well, you might say that, but I knew a woman years ago who had a terrible shock with the bangers in the letterbox at Halloween. She was watching ‘The Late Late Show', and didn't some kids throw a couple through the door. She was the nervous type, you know. When she came home from the hospital her own family didn't know who she was! The hair had turned white overnight! The whole lot. And she had some head of hair. ‘She won't go bald,' they used to say. Take those hairs off the neck there. That's better. Is it still raining? I'll run down to the pub and have a pint—stay in out of the rain.

Barber:
Sounds like a good plan to me. Watch out for the bangers!

29 October 2009

Barber:
It's quiet enough this year. Not so many fireworks going off.

Customer:
Do you remember what it was like a couple of years ago? There were so many going off you could smell it in the air. It was like World War 3!

2 November 2009

Customer:
I was in Portobello earlier. Do you know the antique shop there near the bridge?

Barber:
Christy Bird's. I do indeed.

Customer:
Well, they have a sign in the window that reads: ‘Customers wanted, apply within.'

3 November 2009

Customer:
I went to Egypt for two weeks with my girlfriend. We're just back.

Barber:
How did you get on?

Customer:
It was great. The pyramids are incredible up close, but we had a bit of trouble one day. We were shopping and looking around in the city when a local lad grabbed my girlfriend and touched her up!

Barber:
No way! Go on.

Customer:
Yeah, the women over there are covered up, and my girlfriend was wearing shorts and a top. It's very hot, so you wouldn't want to be wearing too much, but this guy just grabbed her and groped her and ran away. She got a terrible shock, and a policeman came over and said they'd get the lad who did it. He asked us for the address of the hotel where we were staying and for our names. So we went back to the hotel and tried to forget about what happened. Later that evening the police came up to the room and told us they had got the guy. I thought this would be a relief, but they asked us if we wanted to press charges. I asked them what would happen, thinking he'd get a night in a cell or something that might teach him a lesson, but they said they'd cut off his hand!

Barber:
My God!

Customer:
I know, we were shocked. So we had a chat, and we didn't want they guy to lose his hand, so we didn't press charges in the end. It's a holiday we'll never forget!

6 November 2009

Customer:
I was on the bus on my way to work in town. It was raining, and the bus was full, with people standing in the corridor. Around the Coombe in Dublin a dwarf got on, and he had to stand up the front near the driver. A young girl in a school uniform who was sitting nearby got up and offered him her seat, but he was outraged by the gesture and gave her a lecture on political correctness—that he was a dwarf and not disabled—leaving her highly embarrassed. It was terrible. There was silence on the bus. A mature woman left her seat and made her way through the passengers to get off in the Liberties. Just as the bus stopped to let her off she looked down at the dwarf and said, loud enough for everyone to hear, ‘See you— when you get home I hope Snow White knocks the shite out of you!' It was brilliant. Everyone just burst out laughing!

7 November 2009

Haven't seen a lot of funny T-shirts lately, but a guy came in yesterday wearing one that read, ‘Nice legs. What time do they open?'

10 November 2009

Since 1 November 2009 it's been safe to drink Bulmer's latest creation. There were lots of stories being heard in the refuge of the barber's chair concerning the laxative effects of the new brew.

Many a lad had confessed that he had about four or five pints on a night out and then all hell broke loose. Only those who were drinking the cider in the company of friends knew that it wasn't them, that it wasn't food poisoning and that it must have been the cider, as they all ran for the gents within minutes of each other. It reached a critical point when taxi-drivers began to complain. Because of the side effects of the cider, they were off the road for the night cleaning their cars! So now the new Bulmer's ads state that there's a new recipe. So don't be afraid: embrace the pear!

12 November 2009

Customer:
I've been looking for a dog recently, and I was going to the animal shelter to pick one out, and after two visits I found a really nice labrador. So I gave them my details, because the people at the shelter come to your house to see if it's suitable for the dog. ‘Fine,' I said. ‘I'm free the next few days.' So they came and had a look and told me they wouldn't let the dog stay in the house. I was stunned! So when they were leaving I asked them, ‘What about me?' ‘What do you mean?' they said. ‘Well, you say the house isn't fit for a dog to live in, but you're leaving me here, and you're going to get a better place for the dog!'