Short Back and Sides

I
consider myself lucky to be doing something I enjoy for a living at a time when having work of any description is a privilege. It's something I'm reminded of regularly by customers who have lost their job over the last couple of years since the ‘Celtic Tiger' collapsed and died, leaving us to foot the bill for his extravagant lifestyle. But, recession or not, hair continues to grow, barbers keep cutting and where there are people there is conversation.

There's something about barber-shop conversations that sets them apart from the usual small talk that's normal in a business environment, and in fact these exchanges are enjoyed on both sides of the chair. There are of course people who don't want conversation to be part of the service, and there are a few shops that offer haircuts without the traditional banter; but, for the majority of barber-shop customers, the chat seals the deal, and some regulars who wait for a specific barber will tell you that it's ‘for the chat rather than the haircut.' I like to think it's both, but as long as they keep coming I can't complain!

The most popular subject of conversation in Ireland is the weather, so it should be no surprise that it's top of the list in the barber shop. But, as a customer once remarked, ‘It breaks the ice!' From day to day, leaving the weather aside, customers talk mainly about the current news stories, which can include world events, politics (quite a hot subject at the moment), the recession and, of course, the banks. Funny stories will always be a part of a working day down at the shop, but they're not as plentiful as they used to be.

Over the last few years there has been a shift in the mood, and the stories we hear are more weighty than ever before. Fortunes were made and lost in recent years, debts and negative equity are a part of everyday life and, as always in a time of economic depression, there are those who have to leave the country for work. The stories these customers tell range from funny to eye-opening, but all are interesting in their openness, and they paint a picture of the difficulties some people have faced in recent years. Despite the extremes in the weather and the economy, the fall of the church and the spiralling cost of the bank bail-out, there is plenty of upbeat talk, and some people even make light of their problems.

After these most popular subjects, the remaining conversations can be about anything and everything, from the sublime to the surreal, and as individual as the customer and their hairstyle. The view from the barber's chair gives the impression that we're a nation of optimists: the way we all look forward to the summer every year is proof enough. Either that or we're in denial—and I don't mean the river in Egypt!

Listening to customers, we (the barbers) are informed of what's happening in the world outside, keeping us on the cutting edge with the low-down on what's up. Information that falls through the cracks of the mainstream media is discussed, conspiracy theories are debated and there are opinions on everything from global warming to religion. We hear about the best and the worst of everything: no-one talks about films, restaurants, books, albums or concerts that are just ‘okay'. They recommend the best—and the worst makes for a good story. We hear about far-off places: the popular and the areas less travelled. The descriptions are sometimes so vivid that I often feel like I've been there myself.

Now and again we hear a story that will become a news item a few weeks or months later. I've often been amazed at what people will tell us while they're in the chair. I suppose they're just getting it off their chest— lightening the load, so to speak. I remember a famous court case, and one of the jurors was getting his hair cut. The conversation started with ‘I'm not allowed to talk about the trial, but . . .' and he began to tell me everything that happened that morning in the courtroom! I can't remember a time when there was so much being discussed in the barber shop—it's really unprecedented. Customers are genuinely concerned about the future and are even more concerned about who might lead us out of the mess we're in.

For some reason, a lot of the stories I heard would keep coming back to me—not just the funny stories but the serious ones too. I thought it would be an idea to start writing them down. I had played with the idea of trying to get a regular newspaper article and, after talking to journalists who liked the idea, I kept at it. I felt like I was on to something, but I didn't know what just yet. I also thought it would be a way of clearing the stories out of my head. Eventually I had enough material to fill a book, and I decided to go to a publisher, leaving the newspaper column idea in the wake, and that's how this book came to be. Almost every day, while I'm mining away at the coal face, there will be a jewel that stands out during a conversation, and I write it down. So, keeping that in mind, it's the customers who are the real stars of this book. It's their comments, witty remarks and stories that have kept me amused and engaged all these years I've been cutting their hair.

I've dated the entries like a diary or a blog, which is useful for noting when events occurred. The dates are never exact, as I hear the stories after the event has happened, so they're only a rough guide. I can't be held responsible for what's said or how much is true—that's for you to decide. I'm just recording what I hear. In some cases the stories may be hard to believe, but truth, as we know, can sometimes be stranger than fiction. (The story of Paddy Hitler is a good example. It's true, by the way—I checked it out.)

So, if you're feeling like you need a lift, go down to your local barber shop and, as a customer from Cork once put it, ‘It always puts a spring in my step when I get a haircut!' Or you could read a book of barber-shop conversations!

Don't forget you can post your own barber-shop stories at
www.facebook.com/shortbackandsidesbook
.

Ireland, believe it or not, January 2005

Customer:
I saw the aurora borealis the other night!

Barber:
There was a great picture on the front of the
Irish Times
yesterday with the lights in the sky over Benbulbin in Sligo.

Customer:
Well, I was watching the news on TV3, and they said it would be visible over Dublin if you went up the mountains away from the light pollution, so I went up. It really was something to see. It was like rolling clouds of green and red in the sky.

Barber:
I'd love to have seen that. Was there many up there?

Customer:
There were about 150—maybe more! People were spread out along the Feather Bed—hard to guess. A lad near me made a call on his mobile, and all I could hear was ‘Jimmy, get the chip-van up here quick!'

2 February 2005

Barber:
Have you see that new Mel Gibson movie?

Customer: The Passion of the Christ
? No, not yet.

Barber:
I hear it's based on a true story.

4 February 2007. Before the first rugby game played in Croke Park.

Customer:
There's a great picture in the paper of the UFO over Croke Park.

Barber:
A UFO?

Customer:
Yeah, it's there, look [showing me the picture], above the stadium. It's a rugby ball!

2 April 2007

Customer:
Can you believe the times we're living in? It's really something! Like the picture in the papers recently on the front page of Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley agreeing to share power in the North. The Irish cricket team, who no-one's ever heard of, beat Pakistan on Paddy's Day, and the rugby team thrashed England in Croke Park! History is being made.

Barber:
Anything is possible in this country right now. The economy is booming—this is as good as it gets. The pigs will be flying next!

Customer
(sitting in the next chair listening): They are already, you know. They have helicopters now!

6 April 2007

Customer:
We were away in New York when the Irish cricket team beat Pakistan. We didn't know about it at the time, but we got into a cab with a Pakistani driver who got a bit hyper when we told him we were Irish. He told us that Pakistan had just lost to Ireland in the cricket, and we started laughing and asked him if he was sure it was Ireland they were beaten by, which made him even more agitated. He pulled in to the side of the road and threw us out of his cab!

Barber:
That's a bit of an over-reaction.

Customer:
True. We were thinking afterwards he must have been pissed that not only were they—the great Pakistan—beaten by a much less experienced team— you know, us—against all the odds; but, to add insult to injury, we didn't even know there was an Irish cricket team!

24 June 2007

Barber:
You're next there.

Customer
(after sitting into the chair): Just a general trim.

Barber:
Okay, sir.

Customer:
Terrible weather, isn't it? Never seen the like of it: constant rain, constant rain—it's been raining for forty-eight days consecutively.

Barber:
It's all that Rihanna's fault. Since her song ‘Umbrella' topped the charts at the end of May the rain hasn't stopped. In fact, some of the radio stations are putting a ban on the song!

Customer
(being very serious): It's bad, all right. Never heard of Rihanna, but, you know, I heard that there's a lad in Wicklow building an ark!

11 October 2007

At Croke Park the Police played a sell-out concert. It turned out, as I heard from many people who were there, to be a disappointment. A customer whose hair I was cutting told me he left the concert to go to the bar in the stadium. Remember, fans had paid good money for those tickets.

Customer:
I went to the Police concert on Saturday.

Barber:
Was it good?

Customer:
It wasn't great, but the Rugby World Cup quarter-final was on, so I headed up to the bar to watch it. When I got there I couldn't believe how packed it was. Obviously I wasn't the only one who decided to watch the game instead. I was half in and half out, and as a result the door couldn't close behind me. The concert was in full swing, and, as I waited there for an opportunity to step in, a voice shouted out, ‘Shut that door. We can't hear the bleedin' match!'

8 November 2008

Customer:
They've got a black lad in the White House!

10 November 2008

Customer:
Bush was such a bad president they say it will be difficult for a white man to ever get elected again!

16 November 2008

Customer:
Did you see what our ministers and Taoiseach earn? My God, Bertie earns more than Obama!

Barber:
We should write Obama a letter offering him the job here—a heartfelt letter from the Irish people. And, seeing that he has relations here, and the bigger salary, he just might go for it!

Customer:
Worth a try!

2 February 2009

Customer:
A friend of mine is a guard in a small town in the country, and he was working at a checkpoint, stopping people and breathalysing them. It was early in the days of the drink-and-drive crackdown, and in the country some people were slow to change their ways.

There had been an all-Ireland final on that day, and the county had won. I can't say any names or give too much detail, but one of the players—who's well known—was stopped at the checkpoint. My friend (the guard) congratulated him on the win. ‘Jaysus, we did it. Still can't believe it!' said the player. ‘Were you drinking?' asked the guard. ‘I was, of course,' says the player. ‘Sure it's a day to celebrate! I had about fifteen pints and God knows how many shots!' ‘I'm afraid I'll have to breathalyse you,' says the guard. The player gives the guard a confused look. ‘Why?' he says. ‘Do you not believe me?'

17 February 2009

Customer:
Did you hear they diverted all the flights from the Arctic?

Barber:
No, why have they done that?

Customer:
Well, when a plane flew over, the penguins would hear the noise, you see, and they all looked up. And, as they can only look so far as the plane went over, they'd be staring at it, and suddenly they'd all fall over backwards like dominoes! Trouble was, they couldn't get back up on their feet after. So many of them were dying they had to divert the flights.

2 March 2009

Customer:
Because of the recession, developers who have large amounts of unsold apartments found would-be buyers walking away after seeing no-one was living there.

Barber:
I've seen lots of empty apartments around, and I was wondering how they could be sold. No-one wants to be in a ghost development!

Customer:
That's exactly it. The new entrepreneurial idea was to sell patio furniture, potted plants and second-hand bicycles to these developers to put on the empty unfurnished balconies and make the apartments look—from the outside at least—as though they were lived in. You have been warned!

9 March 2009

Barber:
How are things in the restaurant business these days?

Customer:
They were bad for a few months, but it's getting better. We had a brainstorming session and came up with a few ideas.

Barber:
Everyone is looking for ideas to get business going. What did you do?

Customer:
Well, the one that worked best was to get the desserts selling. Since the recession they haven't been selling at all, so we hired a dolly bird, and she pushes a trolley of desserts around the restaurant. Businessmen who come in for lunch call her over to talk to her, and they buy a dessert.

Barber:
A trolley dolly! That's sexist but brilliant!

Customer:
What can I say—it works!

3 April 2009

Customer:
Have you heard about the jingle post?

Barber:
No, what is it?

Customer:
The jingle post is what the banks across the country call the letters in the morning post that make a jingling sound. It's the sound of house and apartment keys being returned by home-owners who've decided, for their own reasons, to opt out of the deal. It's become such a regular occurrence that it's earned the name ‘the jingle post'!

Barber:
Dark days indeed.

5 April 2009

Customer:
I thought of a great way to get rid of junk mail.

Barber:
I'm getting a serious amount of it. My neighbour has taped up her letterbox.

Customer:
Well, you just keep all the junk mail, and when your Visa bill arrives you'll find a freepost envelope in there, so you take the freepost envelope and put all your junk mail into it and post it off to Visa!

Barber:
I'm sure if this catches on there won't be a freepost envelope in future!

6 April 2009

Customer:
Can I get a Portuguese mullet?

That's the code for ‘Ronaldo-style' for customers who are embarrassed to say Ronaldo out loud in front of the queue.

7 April 2009

Customer:
How's my hair looking there?

Barber:
You have alopecia [hair falling out]. Have you seen a doctor about it?

Customer:
Yeah, I got a prescription for it. He says it's caused by stress.

Barber:
That's right. Have you had anything unusually stressful going on recently?

Customer:
Yeah, I'm a bit stressed about losing my feckin' hair!

9 April 2009

Barber 1
(from Iraq): Is it against the law to beat your wife in Ireland?

Barber 2
(and some customers): Yes, of course it is!

Barber 1
: Oh.

He just went back to cutting his customer's hair. Priceless!

11 April 2009

Customer
(a barman from Temple Bar): I had a crowd of English lads in a few weeks ago, and they were asking me what the time difference was.

Barber:
What did they mean?

Customer:
Well, it turns out they wanted to know what the time difference between England and Ireland was, because they saw a clock on O'Connell Street that was an hour behind! What do they teach those lads in school?

Barber:
They never seem to put the clocks back in town when the hour changes, so for six months they're an hour behind!

12 April 2009

Talking to a customer about the film
Che
, the biopic about Che Guevara.

Customer:
Che Guevara was of Irish descent. His mother was Irish. Did you know?

Barber:
There are Irish everywhere, but I never heard that.

Customer:
They only called him Che like a nickname. Sure wasn't he christened Seamus!

Barber:
Seamus Guevara—I like it.

14 April 2009

A woman who worked in the shop with us for a few years was always going on holidays. She did this so often that I used to tell customers that she was moonlighting as a flight attendant. One day a customer asked where she was, while getting his hair cut . . .

Customer:
So where's Sheila today?

Barber:
Oh, she's in at ten.

Customer:
Atten? Where's that?

Barber:
No, no, she's not in until ten!