Short Back and Sides (16 page)

26 June 2010

Customer:
What was that you were just doing to that young lad's hair?

Barber:
He was getting highlights.

Customer:
Highlights? Sure that's for women.

Barber:
Well, the latest thing for the men is the GHD.

Customer:
The GHD? What's that?

Barber:
It straightens the hair like an iron, but for your hair. Women used to use an iron on a paper bag to straighten their hair in the sixties.

Customer:
And, tell me, do they wear their sister's knickers too?

27 June 2010

Customer:
Man, I can't stand the noise from those vuvuzelas. It's driving me mad watching the matches.

Barber:
I'm getting used to it at this stage.

Customer
(in the waiting area): They're not so bad, lads. I'll tell you what's worse: being in Croke Park with a bad hangover and a kid behind you with an air horn!

28 June 2010

Customer:
I was doing some research on my family, and I found discrepancies in the ages on a census. After looking into it, it turned out that the old-age pension was introduced here on 1 January 1909, and people lied about their age on the census so they'd qualify for the pension earlier!

Barber:
So it's not a new thing, then. I remember, in the eighties, recession people with jobs dressing down to go and collect their dole money—must be something in the genes.

8 July 2010

Customer:
Get rid of the lamb chops there. I look like Elvis in Vegas!

10 July 2010

Customer:
I don't mean to be permutatious, but could you take a little more off the fringe there?

Barber:
Now there's a word!

11 July 2010

Customer
(a Traveller, arriving in a very busy barber shop on a Saturday morning): Lads, do you mind if I skip the queue? I have to be at a funeral in Wexford in an hour and a half!

Barber:
Does anyone mind if Blackie here skips the queue?

Customer
(the Traveller): I just need to get the back cleaned up. It'll only take a minute!

Barber:
Okay. No objections? Take a seat there. You're lucky they let you skip ahead—there's been fights over less!

Customer:
That's great. Thanks, lads. Only I have to be at the funeral, you know . . . Just a little off the back there.

Barber:
Now then, how's that?

Customer:
Does it look okay now? Maybe you better take a little off the sides to match it up.

Barber:
Okay—just a little, though. Now, how's that?

Customer:
The top looks too long now you've done the sides, do you think?

Barber:
Only this once, and seeing you're going to a funeral, I'll do it.

Customer:
That's it now—lovely. How much?

Barber:
It's fourteen euro, please.

Customer:
Fourteen euro? Sure I only wanted the back tidied up!

Barber:
But I gave you a full haircut!

Customer:
Here [handing me a fistful of loose change], that's all I have. I have to go—have to get to that wedding in an hour and a half!

12 July 2010

Customer:
That was a terrible match to watch! Fourteen yellow cards and one red. The Dutch play dirty. Did you have a bet on?

Barber:
No, my money was on the octopus!

13 July 2010

Barber:
You normally work on a Tuesday. Are you off today?

Customer:
No, I'm working, but I slipped out to get my hair cut. It grows on their time, so I get it cut on their time!

17 July 2010

Customer:
I'm just back from Oxegen. I'm
so
tired.

Barber:
How was it down there? The weather was terrible—again!

Customer:
It rained on the Saturday, so we were soaked through, and then later it started to get cold, so when we got back to the campsite it was miserable. We were all cold, tired and hungry, so we just started forcing the cans down. I remember sitting there feeling miserable and wishing I was at home tucked up in bed. We didn't even take off our shoes, which were covered in muck, when we got into the sleeping bags. Then we woke up roasted: the sun had come out, and we all felt shit. Mucky, sweaty, and it was early, so we just started knocking back the cans again. The bands made it all worth while, though. They were great. Jay-Z was brilliant, and Eminem.

Barber:
That sounds hellish to me. Was there any tent-burning this year?

Customer:
No, there was lots of security.

Barber:
Last year Kings of Leon were there, and that song ‘Sex on Fire' was in the charts, and people in the campsite were singing, ‘Your tent is on fire.'

19 July 2010

Customer:
Women: can't live with them, can't live without them—and sheep can't do the washing up!

20 July 2010

Customer:
There are two types of people in this recession: the ones who buckle under the pressure of their debts or can't go back to a simpler life, and the ones who just say, ‘Fuck it!'

Barber:
If you owe less than lads like Seánie Fitzpatrick then you've no need to worry. If they're not feeling the pressure then no-one should be.

21 July 2010

We were talking about unusual car crashes.

Customer:
Down the country where I live there's a crossroads in the middle of nowhere. The road has no lighting at night, and there are no traffic lights. A few years ago a car was coming up to the crossroads, and it kept going, never dropping its speed. Then, out of nowhere, another car hit him head on, just at the edge of the crossroads. Neither driver saw the other coming. The guards turned up, and luckily the two lads who crashed were okay. The crash was a mystery for ages until I heard from one of the drivers that he always turned off his lights coming up to the junction and that he could see if someone else was coming easily, because the oncoming car's headlights would be obvious in the pitch dark. That night it turned out that both drivers had turned off their lights approaching the crossroads and ploughed straight into each other!

22 July 2010

Barber:
Camping is huge this year. People are not really talking about it, but the campsites are busy!

Customer:
I went camping myself. The place was really busy on the bank holiday, but it's even more basic than I thought. The first morning I woke up and headed off to get coffee and croissants, but there was nothing available. All the campers had everything with them. I thought there would be a shop or a café or something. It really is hardcore. You need to bring a serious amount of stuff with you.

Barber:
No-frills holidays!

23 July 2010

Customer:
My hair is growing like the grass lately! You must be putting something in the water: Miracle Grow or something!

Barber:
Since the recession began, barbers have been dumping bags of keratin in the reservoirs.

Customer:
What does keratin do?

Barber:
It makes your hair and nails grow faster!

Customer:
The way my hair is growing, you know I'd almost believe that.

Barber:
Times like these, it's every man for himself. Would you like to buy a nail-clippers?

24 July 2010

Customer:
Did you ever come across a cure for baldness that worked?

Barber:
Yes, I found a great recipe online that's easy to make: it's just chopped onions, cayenne pepper and ginger, all soaked in alcohol for a few days. Then you strain it and rub the liquid into your scalp.

Customer
(sits up in the chair, eyes wide open): Really?

Barber:
No, I'm only pulling your leg!

26 July 2010

Customer:
Cut it shorter than usual. I'm off to Australia later today.

Barber:
Are you going for long?

Customer:
A year at least—seems to be jobs available again over there.

Barber:
You're the third customer this morning who's heading off for work. It's amazing how many Irish people go to Australia. Most people have either been to Australia or they're going to Australia, and I never met anyone who didn't like it!

27 July 2010

Customer:
I read lately about how the boom started. I was always wondering where all the money came from and how it just stopped as though someone flicked a switch.

Barber:
So how did it start?

Customer:
A huge amount of industry went to China because they were able to manufacture goods at a fraction of the cost. There was even a rumour that the Irish football jerseys were being made over there, but that's just hearsay. So, in a nutshell, they made a fortune, and workers, as you know, are paid a pittance. So China loaned this money to the American banks, and they had so much money coming in they were giving it away. Economies boomed, and people were overstretched, living on credit and getting big mortgages. Then China stopped the supply, and—bang!—the whole system fell apart!

Barber:
So Bertie took the credit for the wave, when all he did was surf on it!

28 July 2010

Customer:
Don't even get me started on those two! It's music for the Teletubby generation!

Barber:
Music? They couldn't carry a tune in a bucket!

29 July 2010

Customer:
A friend of mine went into a shop in Limerick, and he'd left his car parked outside for a few minutes. When he came back out it was gone. He ran over to the garda station, and, as it had just been taken, the guards jumped into a car and, with my friend, headed towards Southill. Within minutes they were out of the city, and, as they drove by a field, they topped. One of the guards noticed the gate was open. They parked the car and walked back to the field, and there was the car. But there was no-one around, so the guards say to him, ‘Stay down and be quiet,' and they all sat tight and waited. It wasn't long before they heard the lads who'd taken the car coming back, talking and laughing. When they got up close to the car the guards grabbed them and took them off. It turns out the lads had gone off somewhere to get drums of petrol, which they had with them when they were caught, to set the car on fire. They were obviously new to stealing cars!

30 July 2010

Barber:
Were you away, or did you get that tan here?

Customer:
Yeah, I was away. I'm in the Army Reserve, and we went to Lourdes a few weeks ago.

Barber:
What was the army doing in Lourdes?

Customer:
There's an international military pilgrimage to Lourdes every year.

Barber:
I'm finding this hard to comprehend: you're telling me there's a military pilgrimage to Lourdes? How can that be possible! It sounds all wrong.

Customer:
French soldiers used to go there in the forties to pray. It caught on, and more and more countries began to go. Now armies come from all over the world.

Barber:
I see. And what do the soldiers pray for?

Customer:
Mostly peace, I suppose!

Barber:
Well, I've heard it all now!

31 July 2010

A customer told me that he'd been in a car crash on the way home from a pub after having a few drinks. This was a good few years ago, before the drink-and-drive clampdown. He'd taken a corner at speed, lost control and scraped the car along a wall sideways, then came to a sudden stop when he hit a parked car. Uninjured, he got out and saw a pub across the road.

He went in and ordered two straight whiskeys and asked the barman for a receipt, which he put in his pocket. Then, after knocking back one, he emptied the second into a plant pot at the side of the bar but pretended to knock back the whiskey. He went back outside, and the guards had arrived.

He went over and told them that it was his car and that he'd lost control coming around the corner. The guards noticed the smell of alcohol on his breath and asked him if he'd been drinking, to which he replied, ‘God, no! But I went into the bar over there to get a stiff drink to steady my nerves. Here,' he said. ‘I think I still have the receipt in my pocket!'

1 August 2010

Barber:
Doing anything for the weekend? Will you have a few pints?

Customer:
No, I have ME, so I'm very tired most of the time.

Barber:
So what's that then?

Customer:
It's an illness I've had for—

Barber:
Jaysus, it's not contagious is it?

Customer:
No, not at all, it's just that when I get a good night's sleep, instead of waking up refreshed I wake up feeling exhausted, every day. Some days are worse than others, though. I can't drink alcohol: it'd wipe me out for days. So I only have a few hours a day when I've enough energy to get out and about and get things done. I spend a lot of time just sitting around at home.

Barber:
So you have a lot of time to yourself then, says you. That's lovely, isn't it?

2 August 2010

Customer:
On a bike-run at the weekend there was a guy with a vintage Triumph. It was in great condition, so I said to him I'd never seen one so good and with no oil leaks! To which he replied, ‘Well, it would if it got any!'