shift happens 03 - no were to run (3 page)

“You think you’re up to raising a preschool fire-breather,
Bagina Man
?” Essie inquired with a smirk.

“Yes, I do
I Wipe My HooHoo with Poison Ivy
,” he shot back.

“Thank you,” I said quietly, not quite believing my good fortune at finding this crazy crew.

“However,” Dwayne continued as he shoved a tub of ice cream into my hands and stabbed a spoon into it. “I say you’re not going to bite it. Are you into your gay boyfriend?”

“Um…” I started.

“We don’t know he’s gay,” Essie reminded him as she dug into her mint chocolate chip.

“This is true,” Dwayne agreed as he floated to the ceiling in excitement. “I will teach you how to seduce him. You’ll be mated by the end of the week. We can then go en masse to kill your bastardass father and be back in time for me to finish planning my wedding. It’s simple.”

“First of all it’s
my
wedding, you undead dork. And Dima needs no help in seducing anyone. She’s hotter than hell in a heat wave. Have you tried flashing some boob?” Essie asked as she pulled Dwayne off the chandelier.

“Yep,” I replied as they both gasped in shock.

“The boob failed?” Dwayne asked, dismayed.

“Yep.”

“He’s got to be gay,” Dwayne fretted. “Do you have anyone else in mind?”

“No,” I replied on a long sigh. “It’s kind of hard to find a Dragon when most of them know my father will try to kill them.”

“I can see how that might cause a few problems,” Essie said as she resumed her pacing. “You don’t need to mate with anyone to kill your dad. We just have to work fast. If he’s dead it will be far easier to find a freakin’ mate before you bite the big one. There are many ways to skin a cat or more accurately, kill a Dragon.”

“He has a rather large army of insane Dragons that would do anything for him,” I supplied as I pressed the bridge of my nose to alleviate the ice cream headache I’d just given myself or maybe it was Essie’s way with words.

“True, but we have Junior!” Essie clapped her hands and did a little dance around the still floating Dwayne.

“Your alpha?” I asked doubtfully.

Junior seemed like a great guy, but he was also clumsy and kind of a hot mess. His obsession with a gal named Sandy who wouldn’t give him the time of day was all he thought about. To me, he appeared to be a handsome good ole boy who ran a pack of Wolves.

“I know,” Essie cut me off before I could say anything else. “He’s all kinds of spectacularly unorganized, but the dude is MENSA.”

“Shut the front door,” I said with a surprised laugh. “No way.”

“Yes way, and he can hack into
anything
,” she added with an evil little smirk.

“Outstanding!” Dwayne shouted. “We can metaphorically slice your father’s financial balls into confetti with Junior’s help, and then I’ll mind meld the stinky butt jammer when his army turns on him. And then of course, we can confetti his testes for real.”

“Okay, those visuals are a little much, but the general idea is fairly brilliant,” I said as I put down my tub of frozen sugar and started pacing next to Essie. “Money is paramount to my father’s operation and I’m more than sure most of it’s illegal. Destroy a Dragon’s hoard—destroy a Dragon. If we can fracture his army, I have a real chance of taking him out. Is Junior really that good?”

“Junior is better than that good,” Essie promised. “Tomorrow morning is the beginning of the end of Daddy Dearest.”

“I think I love you,” I said as I tackled Essie and Dwayne in a hug.

“Just don’t tell Hank,” Dwayne advised with wide eyes and a barely disguised smirk. “He’s a little possessive of me.”

“Oh my hell, Dwayne, you are going to drive me to drink,” Essie griped as she giggled and punched him in the arm.

“Got ya covered,” he said as he handed each of us a full bottle of very fine wine.

It was the best damn bottle of wine I’d drunk in 499 years.

Chapter 2

“It’s been about a month and a half and I’m pretty sure my balls are gonna explode,” Junior lamented as he moved around the Sheriff’s office like a bull in a china shop.

My doubts about his ability to lead much less hack into an empire and bring it to its knees came roaring to the forefront. Junior was a hot mess on a sharp stick.

“Junior, I’m gonna need you to focus here and get your brains out of your crotch for a few hours. Can you do that?” Hank asked as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

“Of course I can focus,” Junior huffed. “I just wanted you to know the state of my purple nuts. Not to mention Sandy’s wearing a goddang miniskirt today.”

Junior and Hank were brothers—gorgeous and powerful Wolf Shifters. Hank had been the Alpha of the Georgia Pack until very recently when he and Essie went to work for their Council. Now Junior was in charge. I wondered at the wisdom of having a horny and destructive Wolf as Alpha, but again, I was not here to judge.

“Being as I’m not the only one standing in the office, the state of your testicles is not appropriate conversation,” Hank replied wearily.

Clearly Junior kept his brother apprised of his explosive man parts. As amusing as it all was, I didn’t have time for this. Essie, Dwayne, Hank and I had come to talk to Junior and it wasn’t proceeding like I’d hoped.

“I’m sorry,” Junior apologized to the room. “It’s just that I’m a recovering manwhore and it’s been hard.”

“Pun intended?” Dwayne inquired seriously.

“What?” Junior asked, perplexed.

Shit. It was going to take a lot to convince me he was MENSA.

“Ignore the Vampyre,” Essie said as she physically sat Dwayne down in a chair and then did the same to Junior who was almost twice her size. “Sandy is into you, you just have to keep your thingie in your pants for a few more weeks and then she’ll go out with you.”

“Are you sure?” Junior asked. “I catch her looking so I’ve been flexing a lot, but she won’t really talk to me about anything other than work.”

“Um,” Essie said as she tried not to laugh. “Don’t flex, just act normal around her.”

“That
is
normal for Junior,” Hank informed his mate with a headshake and a chuckle.

“Alrighty then.” Essie bit back a giggle. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. If your banana sack blows you’ll grow another one back. Probably bigger,” she added for good measure.

“Sweet Jesus on a rollercoaster, that is the best news I’ve heard all week. Would it be offensive if I told Sandy the good news about my man tool?”

“Um, yes—extremely offensive,” Essie told him with a snort. “Do not share with Sandy. It will not help your cause.”

“Good to know. So what can I do for you good people?” Junior inquired.

I was kind of done with the niceties and the discussion about Junior’s reproductive organs. I needed to get down to business or make a new plan. Seth would be here in a few hours and he was my plan B. I had no intention of letting Dwayne help me seduce Seth into becoming my mate, but I wasn’t above getting a few pointers.

“Can you hack into bank accounts and drain them completely leaving no trail?” I asked Junior bluntly.

“Just US bank accounts?” Junior sat up straight. His expression went from dopey to intelligently curious.

“No, there would be stock portfolios and offshore accounts as well,” I replied.

“What about land holdings? Other investments?” he queried as he went behind his desk and fired up his laptop.

“Investments, yes. What can you do with land?” I asked, confused.

“Well, if I drain the accounts and hack into the property deeds I can put them up for sale. We then buy them with some of the funds we drain. And the kicker would be we turn around and resell everything, unless you wanna keep the land,” he explained logically, as if anything he was saying was even remotely logical.

Logical? No. Brilliant? Yes, yes, and
yes
.

“You can do all that?” I was shocked. I hadn’t even considered the land—and there was an enormous amount.

“I have a few friends that enjoy acquiring properties. Do you care if they get a very good deal?” Junior questioned as his fingers flew over the keyboard faster than I’d ever seen anyone type.

“No, as long as they’re your friends, undervalue the shit out of it and sell,” I told him as I pulled a chair over to the desk and sat next to him.

“Do you mind me asking who exactly we’re doing this to?” Junior gave me a goofy grin and waited.

“My father, the Dragon King.”

“Holy shee-ot,” Junior yelled gleefully. “This is gonna be fun. That mother humper has so much blood on his hands it ain’t right. What are we doin’ with the money? You want me to lock it up in an untraceable trust for you and Daniel? I can do it offshore and I’ll lock that sucker up so tight no one will ever find it.”

“No. I don’t want any of it,” I said with a shudder. It was filthy money and I wanted nothing from my father. Ever.

“I thought Dragons like to have huge hoards,” Dwayne chimed in. “You could have a massive hoard with all that money.”

“A Dragon’s hoard consists of what is most important to him or her. I have money. I made it legally and I’ve invested it well over the years. It’s not important to me other than for the fact I can take care of my son. The only thing of importance in my life is Daniel. He’s my hoard,” I said simply. No riches could replace my child.

“Damn to hell in a hand basket, I think I’m crying,” Junior said as he wiped a tear from his eye. “My momma feels the same way about Hank and me. Your boy is lucky, Dima.”

“Thanks Junior,” I replied and handed him a tissue.

“So what exactly am I gonna do with the tens of millions I’m about to
procure
?” he asked as he dabbed delicately at his eyes and then blew his nose like trumpet.

“It’s hundreds of billions,” I corrected him as his smile grew wider with delight. “And I want every last cent of it to go to charity. Can you donate anonymously? I want no trace back to my father or any of us.”

“Can do. Will do. Junior can hack apart a small country. This’ll be a breeze. It’ll take a week or two ̓cause I’m gonna have to have a little help here and there. And if you have any passwords or account numbers, I’d be much obliged,” he said as he rubbed his hands together in excitement.

“Do you always talk about yourself in third person?” I asked as I squinted my eyes at him and grinned.

“Yes, I do. Goddangit, do you think that might be part of my problem with Sandy?” Junior asked very seriously.

He had it really bad for this Sandy.

“Well, it might be better to lose that habit,” I offered diplomatically. “Why don’t you ask her questions about herself? That might get her talking.”

“I don’t need to,” he replied with a self-satisfied smirk.

“And that would be because…?” Essie cut in with a grimace on her lovely face.

“I got her under surveillance,” Junior replied with pride. “I know every move my darlin’ gal makes.”

“That’s creepy,” Dwayne said with a shudder. “Please tell me you didn’t hide cameras in her bathroom.”

“Only one,” Junior admitted. “It’s aimed at the shower. I’m not a total jackhole.”

At this point, that was debatable as far as I was concerned.

“Junior, that doesn’t fly and if she finds out, you’ll lose her for good.” Hank’s grunt of disgust was echoed around the room.

“What in the dang hell are you talkin’ about?” Junior demanded, starting to freak out that he’d screwed up. “You stalked Essie in Chicago for a full year. I was takin’ my cue from you, bro-bro.”

“Stalking someone and filming them are two totally different things,” Hank argued. “I didn’t watch her eat her cereal in the morning.”

“Excuse me? I call bullshit on that one,” Dwayne reminded Hank with raised brows and pursed lips.

“Fine,” Hank groused. “It was only once or twice and I was hiding in the tree outside the kitchen window.”

Oh my God, Werewolves were more insane than Dragons.

“I think that’s kind of hot,” Essie admitted with a shrug and a wink at Hank. “So here’s the deal Junior, you can spy on Sandy in person, but you have to get the damn cameras out of her house.”

“What about her car, the yoga studio, the grocery store, the library where she heads up the book club, the park where she runs, the hair salon and her dad’s church?”

We were all stunned to silence—even Dwayne.

“Get rid of all that shit,” Hank growled. “You’ve lost your damn mind, man.”

“I love her,” Junior whispered and scrubbed his hand over his face. “I don’t want anything to happen to her. Sandy won’t let me protect her, so I figured out a way to watch over her and keep her safe.”

It
was
creepy, but it was also very clear that the poor sap was head over heels in love with her. He just had an unusual way of showing it.

“Can I re-suggest simply asking her questions about herself or maybe you should take up yoga or possibly running. Find out when she does her activities and make sure you do yours at the same time,” I said, praying to end this conversation in Sandy’s favor.