shift happens 03 - no were to run (2 page)

“You’re an ass, Werewolf,” I said with a grin.

“Tell me something I don’t know, Dragon,” she shot back with a laugh and resumed coloring.

Essie’s parents, permanently stuck in their shifted Wolf form, lay under the table lightly snoring while her best friend, the filter-free and fabulous gay Vampyre Dwayne, pored over wedding invitation catalogues.

Essie was getting married to Hank and Dwayne was her Man of Honor. From what I understood Dwayne was planning to wear a dress for the nuptials. I decided not to touch that one. It was Essie’s big day and if she was cool with an undead Man of Honor wearing a gown, who was I to judge? The simple fact that they’d accepted Daniel and me as friends was mind blowing to me. Dragons were not popular with any other magical species. My father had made sure of that. But being here in Hung, Georgia under the protection of Essie and Hank’s Wolf Pack was as safe and homey as Daniel and I had experienced in his four years on earth. For that I was thankful. However, I had a date with death staring me in the face in a few months if I didn’t find a mate or kill my father.

“You’re gorge,” Dwayne announced as he pulled out fabric swatches and laid them next to the invitations and pictures of wedding cakes he’d torn from magazines. “Both you and Essie are so hawt, if I liked vaginas I’d be on you like white on rice.”

“What’s a bagina?” Daniel asked, pointing a chubby finger at the now paler than usual Vamp.

“Ohhhh, um…well, a bagina is a dance done by extinct tribes of Pygmy Goat Shifters,” Dwayne stuttered as I reluctantly gave him a chance to crawl out of the body part hole. “If we say
bagina
too many times the goats will magically appear and eat all the cookies that Granny made—not to mention they smell like rotting fish—so we really don’t want to use that term.” He finished on a high note and gave me a mortified shrug along with an apologetic grin.

Dwayne should not be allowed to crawl out of holes. Ever.

“A vagina is a body part of a woman,” I said as I sat down next to Daniel and picked up a crayon. “You know how you have a penis?”

“Yesssssss,” he replied with a giggle and went to pull down his pants to show us.

Quickly sitting him on my lap to end the strip show, I continued. “A boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. No big deal.”

“Can a gurl spway peepee on the wall with her bagina?” he asked seriously as Essie shoved the page she was coloring into her mouth to keep from laughing.

“Well, I did know a…” Dwayne started.

“Nope,” I cut the Vampyre off as the wolves under the table growled at him in warning. “Girls can’t do that,” I explained to my son as I gave Dwayne the mom eyeball or momball as I liked to refer to it.

“Dat is vewy sad.” Daniel shook his little head as his blond curls bounced.

“Tell me about it,” Essie agreed with a disgusted grunt. “When I was little I had to bring toilet paper when I ran away to the woods for the day. None of the boys had to do that.”

“Why didn’t you use a leaf?” Dwayne inquired, wedding planning forgotten.

“Because once you wipe with poison ivy, you bring toilet paper,” she hissed.

I stifled a giggle and hoisted my little man over my shoulder. “He needs a nap,” I told my newly found friends. “Which room should I use?”

“Upstairs, second door on the right,” Essie’s grandma, Bobbie Sue said as she came out of the kitchen covered in flour. “Stay out of my sewing room. I’m working on Dwayne’s Dolly Parton costume. Room’s covered in thousands of sequins and I might have left the hot glue gun on. Wouldn’t want our little man getting burned.”

“Thanks,” I said as I bit back my grin. Granny and Dwayne were famous on the Shifter drag show circuit from what I’d picked up. “Daniel and I are impervious to burns, but the sequins could be a problem if he ate them.”

“Oh God,” Dwayne announced dramatically. “One time I ingested a bag of sequins by accident and got excited that my poop would sparkle, but then I remembered I don’t poop. Vampyres can’t poop.”

That statement received total silence from everyone except for Daniel who unfortunately thought it was hilarious.

“I’m not even going to ask how a blood drinker eats sequins by accident,” Essie muttered as she stood and stretched. “I’m going to have to go home to Hank in a few. Will you and Daniel be okay at here at Granny’s?”

“We’re actually going to move over to the Hung Bed and Breakfast,” I told Essie as I snuggled my sleepy boy in my arms. “Seth’s coming tomorrow night and reserved a suite.”

“Mr. Snuffleupagus?” Essie inquired with a grunt of laughter.

“I’m sorry?” I asked, confused.

“Big Bird’s invisible friend on Sesame Street,” Dwayne supplied as if that would erase my confusion.

None of my new friends had met Seth yet and apparently were doubtful of his existence.

“He’s real,” I said with a sigh. “Seth is a fine man. He’s wonderful with Daniel and he’s extremely kind and good—and um, kind.”

“He’s ugly isn’t he?” Dwayne asked as he critically eyed the pictures of the cakes next to the picture of what I assumed was Essie’s dress. “Or he has a small man package.”

“Why would you say that?” I demanded.

“
Because
no one describes the man they’re doing the horizontal mambo with as
nice
unless he’s lacking in certain departments,” Dwayne explained.

Sadly he made some sense—not about the small package. I wouldn’t know the answer to that one as I’d never seen him naked, but the rest…

“Tell you what,” Granny chimed in as she took a very sleepy Daniel from my arms and gave Dwayne a look that made even me shudder. “I’m gonna put this little bugger down for a nap before the blood sucker says something that’s going to scar the child for eternity or makes you burn him to a crisp. And if you’re gonna do that, take it outside. I like my knick-knacks.”

Granny left the room with the two wolves close on her heels. They’d taken a real liking to Daniel and rarely left his side.

“Seth’s not even remotely ugly and I have no clue what his package looks like,” I snapped as I plopped down on the couch and let my head fall into my hands. “Maybe he’s gay.”

“I have a fabu gay-dar. I can check him out tomorrow and tell you if he plays on my team in three seconds flat,” Dwayne offered as he sat down next to me.

“Have you made it clear you’re interested?” Essie asked as she flanked me on the other side.

“Yep. I’ve all but jumped him. He’s perfect in every other way. Maybe he doesn’t want me.”

“Impossible,” Dwayne snorted and Essie nodded in agreement. “He’d have to be a blind castrati to not want you. I want you and I don’t like girls,” Dwayne added rather unhelpfully.

“I thought you wanted
me
,” Essie said with a laugh and an eye roll.

“I want to
be
you,” Dwayne assured her, which caused an even bigger eye roll from Essie.

Who wouldn’t want to be Essie? She had a fabulous mate who adored her. She had a grandma and friends who would die for her. She had her parents—even though they were stuck in their Wolf form—who adored her as well. Deadly-as-all-get-out should be her middle name and she could shoot better than anyone I’d ever come across. Essie was beautiful, but what she had in love and loyalty far outweighed her looks. I wasn’t such a great deal—I had looks and very little else to offer. Sure I was just as deadly as Essie, but that didn’t make me any friends.

“I have too much baggage,” I said, revealing my biggest fear to my new friends. “Why in the world would anyone want me? My father is the reviled Dragon King. I have no family to speak of because he killed them all and I’m a single mom. Oh my God, saying it out loud is so freakin’ depressing.”

“It is kind of off-putting when you lay it out like that,” Dwayne agreed as Essie slapped his bald head.

“Dima, you’re amazing and if this Seth doucheballhole can’t see that he doesn’t deserve you,” Essie argued as she aimed for Dwayne’s head again. “Do you think he’s your true mate?”

Did I? No. I didn’t, but Dragons rarely ever got to be with their true mate.

“No. And Daniel’s father wasn’t either,” I said softly.

“Should I get you guys some Twinkies and wine?” Dwayne asked as he hopped off the couch to avoid Essie’s left hook.

“Why would you get us Twinkies and wine?” Essie asked as she closed her eyes and let her head fall back on her shoulders.

“Because this is getting good and I know how you gals like to eat and gossip,” he offered reasonably.

“Do you have ice cream?” I asked as a little grin pulled at my lips.

“Coming right up,” Dwayne said as he raced from the room to get our fattening girl-talk food.

“So, Daniel’s father?” Essie prompted me.

“Do I have to tell you without ice cream?”

“No, but Dwayne has a big mouth so anything you want to stay in confidence should be said now,” she replied as she tossed me a throw pillow to hang onto for courage.

“Dwayne’s a talker?” I asked surprised.

“Nope. He just gets excited and runs his mouth. He’d die for any of us. He’ll also pilfer your clothes, so don’t let him near your suitcases.”

“I can hear you,” Dwayne called out from the kitchen. “Supersonic Vampyre hearing.”

“No one is going to die for me,” I promised with a small grin. “And I think he’s already been in my suitcase.”

Essie laughed and then grew quiet. It was crazy, but I trusted this Werewolf more than I trusted my own people. I’d only known her a short while, but she’d stood up for me in ways no one had—as had her mate, Hank and her Granny and Dwayne. If I was going to tell my sordid tale to anyone it may as well be Essie. Besides, I had an enormous request to ask of her.

I’d been waiting for the right time…no time was the right time for this question.

“If I die, would you hide and raise Daniel?” I asked on one breath as I stared at her hard and accidentally tore the pillow in half.

“Wow. Wasn’t expecting that one,” she said as her eyes grew wide with surprise. “Wanna give me a few more details?”

“Yes. Long story short…Daniels father was a lovely man that I barely knew. He wasn’t my true mate, but he was a good man and I was attracted to him. The pregnancy wasn’t planned and he was killed by my father before he even knew about it. Any Dragon I’ve ever shown an interest in has been murdered by my father,” I said as I picked at the torn pillow feathers that floated in the air around me.

“Dude, that is some screwed up shit,” Essie said as she stood up and began to pace. “So other than being a gaping murderous assmonkey, why does you sperm donor kill all your potential mates?”

“So the line ends,” I replied.

“Not following,” Essie said as she took the destroyed pillow from my hands and replaced it with a cast iron doorstop shaped like a duck.

“I’m the next in line and he doesn’t want me to rule.”

“But if he were to have a son doesn’t that trump your right to the throne?” Essie asked the appropriate question.

“I think so,” I said slowly wondering how much I should spill. Since I’d asked her to take her life into her own hands by raising my son upon the very real possibility of my demise, she deserved to know it all. “That would be true if my father was of the Royal House of Dragons, but he’s not. My mother was.”

“And that means you and Daniel are the rightful heirs. Actually the only heirs,” Essie finished the story.

The damn duck doorstop was indestructible. I needed to destroy something or set it on fire to keep talking. Realizing my need, Essie handed me a pile of Granny’s gossip magazines. I began to tear them to shreds.

“It gets even worse,” I admitted as I tore the glossy paper head off of Brad Pitt and several other movie stars I couldn’t place. “If I don’t mate before I turn 500, I die anyway. The Royal Dragon line comes with some screwed up perks. I have to kill my father before my birthday so Daniel is safe.”

“Holy Faye Dunaway with a truck load of wire hangers,” Dwayne gasped as he reentered the room with several gallons of ice cream and two bottles of wine. “We’ve got some problems here.”

“No,” I said as I wadded up the pages I’d torn apart and shook my head. “I have some problems. Not you. The only thing I ask is that if I die and my father still lives, you would keep my son safe. He’s the only thing in the world that means anything to me.”

I wasn’t used to asking for things. It was difficult and my pride was taking a beating, but my son was far more precious than my ego.

“Done,” Dwayne said without missing a beat. “I’m clearly outnumbered with eight daughters and I’ve always wanted a son. Being gay and dead it’s highly unlikely I’ll get an heir in the usual fashion. I have more homes than I even know about. I can keep him hidden for eternity and the Cows will spoil his little fire-ass rotten.”

Tears filled my eyes and I tried not to laugh at the thought of my son being raised by a gay Vampyre with eight adopted violent, yet sweet, Were Cow daughters but a small smile made its way to my trembling lips.

“I believe she asked me,” Essie corrected her BFF.

“Please,” Dwayne huffed. “You and Hank travel too much and if you become Council members it would be awfully hard to hide a Dragon.”