Shhh...Mack's Side (9 page)

“I have to get you out of here,” he whispered above me.

“I don’t want to. I need more. Let me take care of you,” I offered, reaching for the rod I felt on my hipbone. He stopped me.

“Kenzie, no. We can’t do this. I can’t do this. You’re a child.”

“I’m hardly a child. Look. Does this look like a child to you?” I asked, spreading my legs wide for him. He looked, letting his jaw drop. He wanted to touch me. I knew he did, but he didn’t do it. He pulled me to my feet, and dressed. I didn’t. I danced around like the crazy person that I was…naked.

Kyle never left me. He let me dance around his office like a lunatic, studying me with constricted eyes. He kissed me back when I danced to him, wrapping my naked body around his, but he didn’t really talk.

It wasn’t until morning that I thought about what had happened. I woke in my own bed, feeling rested. Searching for my phone, I tried to think about what day it was. Two in the afternoon? Why was I still in bed? Looking down at my party dress, I remembered. I was at a New Year’s Eve party. I was at Gia’s. Did I get drunk? No. I wasn’t drunk. I couldn’t drink it. I already felt drunk.

OH MY GOD!
I jumped out of bed once I realized what I’d done. Oh god. What did I do? Kyle. No. No. There has to be another explanation. I didn’t do that in front of Kyle. With Kyle. Oh lord. With Kyle. Medication. I needed my meds. Racing around the room to get to my meds, I stopped. I wasn’t manic anymore. This was real. Last night wasn’t real. Yes it was. Ohhhh. I argued with myself, realizing my pills that I didn’t take last night were gone. I took
them? When?
That’s why I didn’t feel high anymore. Kyle. No. That didn’t happen. That wasn’t real. This is real. I must have taken it when I got home. How did I get home? Kyle. Kyle was in my room. I remember. Oh lord. He gave me my meds and stayed with me until I was asleep.

“Hey,” Gia said, plopping to the center of my bed. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”

“Gia, what happened last night?” I asked, slipping out of the frilly dress. No panties. Why didn’t I have panties? Where the hell were they?

“What do you mean?” Gia asked, laying on her stomach, reaching for a
bottle of finger nail polish. I looked around and walked to the bathroom with my cell phone while Gia helped herself to my new pink polish.

“Nothing,” I mumbled, looking down to Kyle’s name on my phone. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. “I can’t talk to you. Gia’s here,” I whispered, squatting to the toilet seat.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine
.”

“We need to talk.”

“Kyle, no. That’s not a good idea. Did we…” I trailed off, letting him fill in the rest.

“No.”

“Oh thank god,” I sighed.

“Are you peeing
?” Kyle questioned with a hint of amusement.

Using my kegel muscles, I stopped the flow of my pee.
“No, I have to go.”

Click. I couldn’t talk to Kyle. Things happened. I knew they did. I just needed to piece it together.

“Come on. Let’s go rehearse this routine.”

“Again,” I whined, coming back to my room. I couldn’t rehearse. Things happened. I needed to process things.

“Gia, let’s not. Let’s study for our English test. If you don’t pass Mr. Nichols’ class, all our dreams are over. We won’t be going to college together.”

“What, you would go without me?”

“To college? Of course. I still have to go to school whether it’s with you or not. The point is, you need to study.”

“What
ever. Mr. Nichols won’t fail me and you’re not going to school without me. We’re a team. We’re Mack and Gia. We’re always going to be together. Come on.”

I think Lila called my name more than once, before I snapped out of it.

“How do you feel, McKenzie?”

“Sad,” I quietly answered. I missed Gia.

“Why did you let the rape tear you apart?”

My sadness was filled with sudden anger. “I never said anything about rape.”

“Yes, yes.
I have a sneaking suspicion you’ve never said anything about that night. I think we need to talk about it. I know what happened without the little bit of information you’ve shared. I do my research. You were quite famous, it was all over the news. You made national news. It was easy to find. Public information,” she had to add. Flashes of me and Gia trying to make it inside the courtroom with blinking lights and screaming questions enveloped my mind.

“I have to go. I’m meeting Colton.”

“Let’s see each other twice next week,” Lila suggested, coming to her feet with her feeble old bones. Why didn’t she just retire?

“You should retire,” I said, giving my own suggestion.

“And do what, McKenzie?”

I didn’t answer. I wasn’t expecting her to turn the table, although I should have. “One day is enough,” I assured her with a smile, but not to her.

“Look at me, McKenzie.”

“I can’t,” I admitted, playing with a thread around the bottom of my shirt.

“Because you’ve never been this far before. Have you, McKenzie?”

I shook my head with a sigh and tight lips, but I still didn’t answer.

“I think we need to discuss Kyle more.”

“I don’t,” I said, looking straight at her. I was paying her, not vice versa, and she wasn’t cheap either.
This was bullshit. She shouldn’t get to call the shots.

“I think this has more to do with Kyle than Gia. You’ve spent almost two years coming here to tell me how great your life was growing up with Gia. Does Gia know that you were in love with her father?”

“No. And I never said anything about love. I really have to go. We don’t need to discuss, Kyle. Kyle was an accident that has nothing to do with anything.”

“I don’t beli
eve that for half a second. I think Kyle plays more of role in shaping McKenzie into who she is than she wants to admit. I think McKenzie uses Gia as a crutch to keep from thinking about Kyle, or the rape. What else is McKenzie working so diligently on to forget?”

“McKenzie is standing right here. I’ve got to go.” I walked out without another glance. She didn’t know shit about shit. Who the hell did she think she was anyway? I didn’t pay her think. I paid her to listen.

“You house hunting?” Colton asked, kissing the top of my head from behind.

“No, it was just something that popped up on the side,” I lied about the beach house too close to Myrtle Beach for my liking. There had to be something secluded around the beach.

“Get dressed. Let’s go out to eat,” Colton coaxed.

Looking up to him over my shoulder,
I let him kiss me. “Why? You mean like in public?”

“You’re in public all the time.”

“Yeah, but not like that. There’s this nice black man named Troy over on 5
th
Avenue, he has the best Gyro truck in New York. Let’s walk there and eat in the park.”

“Let’s not. Go get ready, wear your hair up, slip into some sexy heels, and let’s go out on the town.”

I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t know how to do that. Crowded places gave me anxiety. It sounds stupid, I know. Why would a person with my people-phobia choose New York? Who knows. Who knows why I chose to do a lot of the things I did. I dreamed about it though. Someday I would have a house in the middle of nowhere, some place secluded with a pond maybe, or maybe even an isolated beach house.

Relentlessly, I agreed.
Colton took me to MoMia’s, and we dined, looking over the city lights and sipping expensive wine. The food was divine, and the ambient blue lights manipulated the room into a romantic atmosphere for two. Quiet piano played from a French composer in the middle of the room.

I happily took Colton’s hand when he asked for a dance. Following him to the balcony dance floor, I caught a glimpse of the two of us through the glass, only it wasn’t Colton. It was Kyle. Go
ddamnit. This was why I didn’t talk about it. This was why I should have moved on to the next therapist months ago and why I should have never taken the next step with Colton.

Closing my eyes
, I tried not to ruin the moment. This wasn’t Kyle. This wasn’t that night in Fiji. This wasn’t the city lights glowing from the top of our hotel. I squeezed my eyes tightly, and Colton held me tighter. I wasn’t seeking his touch. I was seeking, Kyle’s.

Opening my eyes to see the twinkling lights below, I knew what it was. The piano. It was that song.
I looked to the man behind the piano. It was him. The same guy. He didn’t even look older. He looked the same. Without seeing him, I knew. I could tell by the song he was playing. I listened to that song a million times after that night. Kyle bought me one of his CD’s and Todd McCoy became my best friend, even over Gia.

His expression was just like it
was when I’d sat, listening to his beautiful sad, sad music. We were in Fiji for an incentive trip Melanie had won. After the company banquet, Gia and I were excused. There was a cheer competition going on down at the beach and Gia wanted out of there.

“Dad, please. Let us go. I can’t take this music for one more second,” Gia whined. I ignored her. I ignored everything but Todd McCoy. He was amazing. I was mesmerized, feeling emotions wake inside me. I could have cried. I felt the aching in my heart when someone you love hurts you.

“Fine, go tell your mom,” Kyle agreed.

“Yes!” Gia exclaimed. “Come on, McKenzie.”

“I’ll be right there,” I said in a trance. Gia darted off to let her mother know we were flying the coop.

“He’s good isn’t he?”

“He’s amazing,” I replied in a melodramatic tone.

“Kenzie?”

“Hu
h?” I questioned in my dazed state.

“Did you take your medication today?”

I snapped my head and stared toward Kyle. What did he know? “Medication?”

“Stop. We’ve been pretending for three months now. It happened, and you told me you were sick. I can tell when you’re not taking it.
Who do you think made sure you took it that night before you went to bed? Your eyes are glassed over like that night. Like shiny glass.”

“They are
not.”

“They are
, Kenzie. Go take your medication.”

“
I want to drink tonight,” I countered. Shit. This was Kyle. This was Gia’s dad. I just blew it. He wasn’t going to let us out of his sight now.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for you.”

“You’re not my dad,” I reminded him.

“No, there’s your dad. The drunk one downing another shot of whisk
ey. He doesn’t give a shit about you right now. And there’s your mom. She’s the drunk one dancing all over my w—Melanie,” Kyle explained. The quick reverting from wife to Melanie didn’t go unnoticed. “She doesn’t give a shit right now either. I give a shit. Go take your meds.”

“I don’t want to. I’m in Fiji. I want to be like Gia and have fun tonight.”

“Do you come off your meds often?”

“No this is only the second time, but I’m prepared this time.”

“Prepared?”

“
Yeah, I read about it. See this? I’m going to squeeze it every time I feel like this isn’t real life. It will help keep me grounded.”

Kyle took the rubber ball from my hand and read my scribbling. McKenzie Perry. Senior at Monte Academy. Best friend Gia. Go Tigers. Friends forever. Little phrases I thought might help keep me sane, filled the purple ball.
Someone suggested it on a forum I had read. Kyle handed it back and I squeezed it. The piano wanted me to dance.

“I’ll see you around,” I said, needing to get away from Kyle and away from the dramatic music. 

“McKenzie. Please go take your medicine,” Kyle begged, stopping me with the tips of his fingers. Shit. He touched me.

My eyes met his and I wanted what we did the last time. I wanted Kyle to envelope me with his body. I looked down at the velvet touch of his hand and tilted my head. I admired the silver watch, sparkling with vibrant diamond colors. The diamonds swirled with the tunes coming from the piano.

“Kenzie?”

“I’ve got to get out of here.”

I ran out into the dark night and lifted my arms in liberation. I had to. The urge was too strong not to. Kicking off my heels, I danced in the damp grass. The gardens at the hotel were magnificent. I was dancing in an enchanted forest. It was breathtaking, beautiful.

“What the fuck? You could have waited on me,” Gia complaine
d. That snapped me out of my frolicking haze.

“Gia, I love you. You know that, right?” I asked, dropping my arm over her shoulder.

“Oh my god, Mack. You’ve already been drinking, haven’t you? You’re drunk and I haven’t even started.”

“I’m not drunk. I’m drunk on life. Life is a beautiful thing to waste.”

“You’re drunk. Come on. I want to find some hot beach boy and pretend like he’s James.”

“James Nichols would never touch you. You do know that, right? And what’s up with calling him James?”

“You don’t think I’m going to be moaning Mr. Nichols when I fuck him do you?”

“No.” I laughed.
“You’re not going to call him anything. He’s your English teacher and he’s married.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s not sweat the small stuff.”

I loved being on the beach, watching the half-dressed cheerleaders sing and dance. Their jumps and tumbles were circus-like, only in slow motion. Even the chants, singing from their lips were enlightened. Every word was like a singing bird. Beautiful. Okay, maybe I just loved being high. Everything was at peace. Every face, every color, the ocean, the sand, it was even beautiful when the two teams argued about points. They were showing so much emotion.

I drank glass
es full of red stuff one after another. Not really, I dumped it out, but Gia thought I did. She even took the last one from me.

“Jesus, Mack. Slow down. You’re trash
ed already. I want to get laid.”

“You want help?”

“No, I can find my own guy. See the one right there, white shorts, standing by the volleyball pole? He’s been eyeing me since we got here. He’s cute.”

“Gia, you can’t just go off with a strange guy. Don’t you know that’s how girls get sold into slavery?”

“That’s not even true. That happened like once. You watch too much television.”

“Yeah, the news. It happens all the time.”

“Whatever. I’m not living my life being afraid of taking chances. If I did everything that had a caution, I’d sit around with my nose in a book.” I knew the comment was directed at me, but I was too happy to care. I was happy. Not sick. What the hell? I turned and heaved, right behind us in the sand.

“I knew it. Go to the room. I don’t know why you wore your dress down here anyway. I’m going to have fun.”

“I can’t leave you here alone.”

“Why? I’m going to leave you alone soon anyway. Stay away from my parents. If you run into them, text me. Oh, and you might he
ar some noises coming from my room,” she teased. I’d definitely hear them unless he took her back to his place. I guess I wasn’t overly concerned. I’d seen the guy around the hotel with what I assumed was his parents, too. Besides, I wasn’t feeling so well.

I never made it to my room.
The music illuminating through the elevator speakers were being fed from the dining room. I didn’t stop on our 50
th
floor. I continued up. I couldn’t stop. The music was taking me up. I was floating. Eyes closed and arms out, the doors opened and then closed. A lady held the guys arm, not wanting to ride with me. I laughed and swayed my body to the music, hair falling around my face as I danced. Life was so good.

I stepped out on a floor I was sure wasn’t meant for gu
ests like me. It was industrial-like. No plush, red carpets or shiny marble floors. It was dim lit with an eerie feeling. The red exit on the white door was all that I saw. At first I cautiously walked around. It was a construction zone. The rooftop was being transformed into a dining room, but had a long way to go. The blue swirls in the white marble moved, swaying with the sound of the piano, also being transmitted to the rooftop through speakers.

I fell to my knees and swirled my hands with the blue in the half finished floor. Magnificent. Majestic. Majestic. Wait. I said that. Royal. It was pure magic. Everything around me was pure magic. Looking up I saw the glass wall. One that would take me even closer to the clouds. The wall was door-less, but led to a side of the rooftop in the mi
dst of becoming a rooftop dance floor. The music wasn’t piped out there, but I could still hear it from inside.

The city lights below twirled and swirled below me. I squinted my eyes, trying to determine whet
her or not it was real.
My ball
, I thought, reaching for my handbag. It wasn’t over my shoulder anymore. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. Lights didn’t put on a show all on their own, but somebody could be doing it. We were in the city. Maybe they were doing it. The ocean was doing it, too. Everything was moving to the melodramatic tune.

“Please get down from there.
” I heard Kyle’s voice.

Down? What did he mean
, down? “Kyle, look. Look at the lights. See how they’re keeping rhythm with the piano? I love that piano player. Don’t you love him, Kyle?”

“Yes, come down and I’ll make sure you get a signed CD from him. Please get down, McKenzie.”

“I bet Gia could do a backflip on this ledge,” I pondered, looking down at the ledge beneath my feet. “She’s down there. Right over there.” I pointed, to the section of the beach we were supposed to be watching a cheer competition at.

“She’s not there. I sent her to her room.”

I laughed. I was really far up. I was so high, and not just in the air. I could have done anything I wanted, tackled anything thrown in front of me. I was on top of the world. Literally. “She’s not alone,” I giggled, sliding my feet, imitating a graceful swan.

“McKenzie!
” Kyle screamed. Why? Why was he screaming? Was I falling? I closed my eyes and felt the wind cut through my hair. I was falling. I was falling so fast. It was exhilarating. Like the first time Gia and I had ever gotten on a roller coaster. We were nine and Kyle sat between us, holding both our hands.

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Kyle demanded. I felt his touch again. I was in his arms. Kyle caught me. I wasn’t falling anymore. This was real. Kyle was real. I touched his cheek, just to make sure. His face was soft on my fingers
except for the stubble. They tickled. I studied his face. The lights blinked against his expression.