Shhh...Mack's Side (7 page)

Everything was awesome. Gia and I started our senior year with a plan. We already knew we had scouts watching us
and there were rumors of Milo Slogan, talking to the coach about Gia and me. He wouldn’t be talking about anyone else but us. I carry the bragging rights well. We were the best, and not one person from Monte Academy could argue that fact. We had our hearts set on The Juilliard School in New York, and it just so happened, Milo Slogan was a scout from there. Everyone who was anyone wanted to go there. We had it all planned out. We were going to get an apartment on campus, maybe live in a sorority house.

Of course
, we were planning on following in our mothers’ footsteps, and get our degree in business, too. We’d live in New York City, side by side, or maybe even L.A. We would sell homes worth millions and steal the club dance floors, rendering men and women wanting us both. Gia’s dad always told us we needed a plan. He used strange metaphors to get us to understand the importance of planning our futures.

“
It’s like getting in a car and heading to Texas without a map,” he would say.

“We have GPS,” I reminded him.

He frowned at me. “That’s a plan. You map it out. You know where you’re going before you start out. You don’t start out in life not knowing which direction you’re going.”

“
Dad. Shut up. That’s so stupid. We’re seventeen. We’re not supposed to have plans,” Gia argued. I took it to heart. I was the one sending out all the scholarships and college applications. I never told Gia, but I was really hoping to get into Michigan State. They had a dance team and an awesome program for business—our long term goal.

“We’re not going to
Michigan State,” Gia complained. She had her heart set on living in New York for whatever reason. I didn’t care. Whatever, it was fine by me. Gia wasn’t thinking long term. She was thinking college parties, boys, and competing. That’s all she could see.

That’s when he came there. That’s when he ruined everything
. Or did we ruin it ourselves? Mr. Nichols was taking over the English department at our school. He wasn’t like any teacher I’d ever been around. He was young, and oh, so good-looking. I think every girl in school wanted him. If there was one who didn’t, it was because they were labeled as lesbian.

Mr. Nichols had a longer hair style for a teacher, his clothes weren’t really what you’d expect to see on your English teacher. Casual Fr
idays were the worst. Jeans on Mr. Nichols should have been illegal. His ass was mouthwatering, and every girl there looked at it, giddily making comments behind his back.

“Stop it. You’re drooling. Jake’s going to see you,” I teased, watching
Gia’s mouth part while Mr. Nichols walked past us. He smiled and kept moving.

“Fuck, Mack. Why does he have to look like that?”

“Come on. Let’s go look at his face for forty-seven minutes.”

Gia lusted over Mr. Nichols like a crazy person. She made it very well known what she wanted from him. Not just to the other girls, but him as well. Gianna was very forward with her actions. I think Gianna became his favorite word. Mr. Nichols was constantly scolding her for her remarks. Gia didn’t care. She
would bat her eyelashes and walk away with the last word, usually something sexual. When Gia told Mr. Nichols to shut her up, she meant it.

“You’re going to get thrown out of his class. You do know you need it, right?” That’s the part I didn’t understand. Yes, Gia was good, Gia was really, really good at dance, but no matter how hard I tried to get her to understand how this all worked, she wouldn’t listen. I could do her homework every day and it wouldn’t matter if she couldn’t pass the class at the end of the year. I
couldn’t take her test for her. She thought her looks and talent was going to get her what she wanted. I was trying to tell her it wouldn’t.

This thing she had going on with Mr. Nichols was getting ridiculous. Her mouth never shut up about him. I didn’t understand it. She could sneak Jake in before either of her parents got home, do him, and be talking about Mr. Nichols before his
truck was out of the driveway.

“Good. Let’s wrap it up here, McKenzie. We’ll start with, college next week?” Lila questioned.

I looked down at my phone. Wow. That hour went fast.

“We never made it there. I’ve got to go. I’ll see you next week,” I said with a smile. I felt good. I felt really, really good. I was rested, I succeeded with the best Fashion Week layout in history, and I felt—hmm, like a load had been lifted. Normally, talking about me and Gia left me in a daze for few hours. I didn’t feel like that today. I felt whole.

Although I knew it wouldn’t last, I embraced it with open arms. I’d take every good day I could get.

Just like it had
two years before, Mr. Nichols’ parole came and went, and just like the last time, I almost wrote the letter. That part of my life was best left in the past. There was nothing I could do to change it. Trying to move on was the best thing I could do.

I had those times in my life, the times like this where things felt like they might be okay. Work was great, things settled again, where they would stay settled until the Christmas edition. It gave me anxiety just thinking about it.

Colton and I continued to grow into something. I’m not really sure what that was. He kept my secret, and in return, I’d ditch the medication once in a while. I didn’t just do it for him, but I did let him think I was doing it for him. It was more to benefit myself. I would get to where I couldn’t sleep, and then let Colton talk me into crashing. Of course I would be higher than most people have ever felt while I waited for the crash.

“I’m going to go home and shower and pick up a few things. I’ll bring supper,” Colton cheerfully explained, popping his head into my office door. “You okay?” he hesitated, seeing the dazed look on my face. I should have taken my medicine in the morning and waited for the effect. I thought I could rush it a little, cut to the chase and not have to deal with the normal things Colton wanted to do. I didn’t want to cuddle and watch movies. I wanted to
use him to cure the itch between my legs and then I wanted to crash until Monday morning.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll see you later.”

“Is it already starting?”

“Yeah, I didn’t take anything this morning.”

“Come with me. We’ll go to my place.”

“I don’t want to stay at your place. I need to be in my own element,” I explained.
The thought of it felt like it did when I had to travel and stay in hotels. I hated it. I didn’t sleep there either, I paced the hotel floor, waiting for the alarm clock to tell me I could leave.

“Fine. Let’s go to my place and then we’ll go to yours. Come. Let’s go.”

Colton didn’t give me a choice and I wasn’t really in any shape to argue. I knew what I was doing without knowing what I was doing. I would remember every single thing I said and did with Colton, things I would never do on my medicine. I didn’t do it often, and I always made sure Colton was with me. It was just enough to get me by. Although it makes no sense whatsoever, I needed to do it to keep my sanity.

Coming off my meds slowed me down for a minute. I wasn’t
compelled to be constantly moving around like I was used to. Regardless of the excuses I made, I was glad I found another AJ. Just like Colton, AJ witnessed firsthand what the other McKenzie was capable of. No matter what either of them said, it was about something they have never experienced in their lives. I was sure of that.

I’ve heard both partners have to partake in
the act of sex on ecstasy to gain the full effect. I don’t necessarily believe that. I know as well as I am standing here, all three of the men I have let see me this way have experienced something they probably would have never experienced had they not known me or how crazy I could get. Not only were all my inhibitions lost, so were theirs. I took them to new dimensions, places they never dreamed about going.

“Don’t pick up any little kids today,” Colton teased, leading me to the taxi. Why did he say that? How did he know what I was thinking? Colton was one of them. He was out to get me. Wait. One of who? I shook the thought. That was the last thing I needed. No more
hang-ups. I had enough for ten people to go around. Nobody was out to get me.

I fought with everything in me not to go to the little girl crying. They were all crying. Which one was she? I would never find her in this mess. The entire sidewalk was filled with li
ttle kids, little girls. Not one boy. They were all little girls.

“What the hell, Colton? What are you trying to do?”

“You’re fine. It’s okay. Let’s get you back to your place. I’ll just shower there.”

“How am I supposed to find Cara like this?” I asked, pulling away. I grabbed the first little girl I saw. She wasn’t Cara. She was too big.

“What the fuck are you doing?” the stranger yelled, shoving me away from his little girl.

“Sorry, it’s not her, CARA!
”

“McKenzie, stop,” Colton scolded. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Colton apologized for me.

“Where is she, Colton?” I asked, staring intently at his face. I could feel the feelings. They were real. This wasn’t fake. The feeling I felt being close to her was real. She was here. She was close, I could feel it.

“You’re okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Colton
soothed in a cool, calm tone.

“I’m not scared, Colton. Can’t you see it? Can’t you see the happiness? None of them are upset. They’re all happy. Hear the laughter? Can you hear how happy they are
, Colton? They see it, too. They see how beautiful life is. They can see the colors. Nobody’s afraid. We’re all happy,” I sang, dancing around like a ballerina. Only one person had ever tried to understand that. He got it. That someone was not Colton.

Colton learned very quickly that if he wanted to play this game of
Russian roulette with me, he needed to make sure I was safely locked away from people before my hyper sexuality peaked. It was still there. It just took him getting me away from all the beautiful, dancing lights, the adorable little girls, and the buildings, oh the magnificent architecture.

“Wow…
” I said, tossing my head back as far as it would go. My building was so tall. I counted each window from the bottom up, making it to seven before Colton pulled me to the door. “Hi, Charles. I love this coat on you. It’s sooooo purple,” I said, running my hand down his vibrant, bright purple jacket. That was fake. I knew Charles wore the required hotel burgundy jacket with dark blue pants. His white hair didn’t really sparkle like that either.

“Are you okay, Ms. McKenzie?”
he frowned, asking concernedly if I was all right.

“She’s a little drunk. I’ve got this,” Colton said, helping me insid
e. Good call. That would help with the embarrassment when I saw him in a couple days.

I continued my charade throughout the building. The elevator floated us over the city of little girls. They waved up to us as we left ear
th. It was breathtaking. I waved back. Colton wanted nothing to do with this part of being a manic. He wanted the part where I was naked, where anything goes.

Colton attacked me as soon as the door was closed. I felt sad, kissing him, like he didn’t really want me. He wanted my body. Unfortunately, the hyper sexuality was stronger than the sadness and won. Colton got his wish.
I did things, things that would cause me to shake my head several times as I remembered what I had done.

When I opened my eyes to darkness hours later, he was still there. In my bed. Oh, hell no.

“You can go. I’m fine,” I said, rolling over. I pulled the sheet over my bare breasts when I realized I was naked. I knew he’d just seen me in the most exposed positions I could muster, and here I was hiding myself from him.

“What if I don’t want to go? I cooked for us. You should eat something.”

“You cooked?”

“Yes, d
ear. I cooked. Come on. It’s ready.”

Dear? What the hell? When did we
advance to that? I know I was staring at him strangely, but I felt strange. I couldn’t help it. “What time is it?”

“Almost nine.”

“Is it Sunday?”

“Yes. You’ve been out for about nineteen hours.”

“Oh,” I responded, feeling confused. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. I want to shower.”

Colton took my hand, bent to my level
, and kissed the corner of my lips. I didn’t kiss him back. I waited for him to leave and then made my way to my bathroom, wrapped in the sheet. The first thing I noticed was the soreness between my legs. I’d remember it all, every last second of it. It would come back in fragments; flashes of erotic scenes would flood my mind over the next few days. I’d masturbate every day for a while, until I recollected every single thing we had done.

I looked like hell, like I’d been having sex for hours and hours. Oh wait. I did. The hot bath reminded me of that quickly. Jesus, what the hell did we do?

I tried to get Colton to leave again once I had a washed off all evidence of sex, had a fresh mouth, and clean hair. He wouldn’t go. He wanted to talk. Ugh.

“Tell me about Mr. Nichols,” he approached, dipping mash potatoes on my plate.

“Mr. Nichols?” I questioned. Looking down to the hamburger patty, buttery potatoes, and green beans, my stomach growled. Colton laughed, smiling at me with… Oh, god. Love. NO! When did this happen?

“You told me about him last night.
Was he the one that did this to you?”

“Did what?” I asked defensively. I took a bite of the hamburger covered in gravy, savoring it before things got out of hand.

“You told me, McKenzie. It’s okay. I want to be here for you. I want to help you.”

One more bite. “You want to help me?”

“I want to know if he made you this way.”

“Made me what way, Colton?
Do you have any idea what bipolar even is?”

“
I do. I looked up your medicine. I know what they’re prescribed for.”

“Why all the sudden interest, Colton? Didn’t I fuck you crazy enough last night?”

“Did you take your medication?”

“Oh, no. Fuck no. You need to go.”
Really? Did he honestly think he had the right to ask about my medication?

“McKenzie, what? Tell me what to do? Let me be here for you. Let me love you,” Colton begged, pulling me into a tight embrace
, crouched to his knees in front of me. I felt safe, briefly, that is. It only took a second to push him away.

“I don’t want you to love me, Colton.”

“What do you want?”

“I’ve never asked you for anything.”

“I know. And I want you to. Help me understand, McKenzie. Please don’t push me away. Believe in something for once. Believe in me.”

I stood to get away from him, running
my fingers through my long wet hair. “Yeah, I don’t really believe in people. People let you down.”

“People like who? Gia?”

My eyes snapped back to his. What the hell did I say to him? I never did that.

“Do you remember anything?”

I didn’t, but I would. I would know everything I said and did. It would just take some time to process and separate fact from fiction. This was real. I said things. I talked about Gia and Mr. Nichols. I never did that. Why did I do that?

“I want you to leave.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, McKenzie. I’m not going to leave, and you’re not going to make me. Sit down and eat your supper. You need food. We don’t have to talk about anything right now but eventually, we are. And you’re going to let me be here for you.”

I sat because he gave me no choice, but I didn’t fa
lter. “You use my disability to your advantage.”

“You use you
r disability to your advantage,” Colton accused. Slamming his fists through the wall, he lowered his voice. Damn. That was a short fuse. And my wall. “You use it to push people away. You use it to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. You use it to work. You work all the time. More than anyone should. When you’re not at work working, you’re here working. You use it to have multiple orgasms in one night, so that you don’t have to think about it again until you need to sleep. You use it to kill both birds with the same stone. You use it to be creatively enlightened, to stay one step ahead of Jane.

“
You know I’m not going to turn down the offer to be here when you’re high, but goddamnit, McKenzie. Let me be here when you’re not. Don’t sit here and tell me I don’t know anything about your diseases. I know. I’ve been researching it ever since that first night. I know what you go through. I don’t know why. You don’t talk about anything. Do you? Do you even know what causes Bipolar Disorder? I know what scientist speculate. Do you?”

I lightly shook my head, staring up at him, walking around my kitchen. Why was he in my kitchen? Why wouldn’t he just leave?