Shhh... Gianna's Side (16 page)

I love this man.

He was supposed to be different…

He didn’t
let up on fucking me, using me like I was nothing but some slut on the street, like we hadn’t shared something deep and meaningful. His words hurt me, but his actions killed me. He fucked me with determination and hate. With each thrust, he took away one more piece of me; it was exactly what he wanted, and since I didn’t give it away voluntarily, he took it himself.

“Is this what you have been thinking ab
out for the last eight years?” he accused, with no empathy or sympathy behind his words. 

I started to dry up and he pulled out his cock and spit on it and on me
, and smeared it into my anus before he thrust back in. I hated him. In that moment, I wanted him to die.

“Fuck me…” he groaned in pleasure
, and it made me sick to my stomach. It took everything for me not to vomit right there before him as he fucked me raw and with no remorse.

“Your
asshole is so tight. That’s what he said to me over and over again.” He paused and shook off the memories. I couldn’t tell if he was with me or if he was back in that cell. Is it sick that it gave me hope that he wasn’t thinking of me but of the person who did that to him? I took comfort in that as he violated my mind, body, and soul. 

But most of all
, my heart.

“You wanted my attention all the fucking time, Gianna. Always spreading your legs in class to show me you weren’t wearing panties. Showing me your pink pussy any chance you got.” He jerked back my head
, making me yelp as he fucked me harder. My ass was sore and the tears just flowed, I had no control over them.

“You have nothing to say? Why is that?” he grunted and stopped when he was balls deep again
, and then slowly moved himself in and out.

“Jesus you feel good,” he growled and smacked my ass
. I jerked forward.

He was stripping everything away from me. I would
have nothing left after this, and I would be broken beyond repair. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t there, that this wasn’t happening. He smacked my ass harder, bringing me back to the awareness of what he was doing to me. He wouldn’t allow me the solitude to hide in. He was sweating, panting, and getting off on it all.

“How’s it feel to have my attention now? Is it everything you always wanted and thought it would be?” he mocked as he started to thrust roughly and urgently again.

I looked down to see a puddle of tears gathering on the concrete floor. He pounded into me a few more times. I heard his breathing pick up and I knew he was close to coming.

“This is all you were
ever good for and it’s why you give it away so easily, because you fucking know it.”

I sobbed, he had officially broken me.

He immediately stopped. He stayed still, not moving as my hand wiped away my tears. The feel of his skin touching mine revolted me and I felt the vomit in the back of my throat.

“Look at me,” he ordered. I didn’t move or say anything.

He pulled my head back by my hair. “Look at me. Fucking look at me!” he roared.

I opened my eyes and immediately found his
, they were dark and soulless. He quickly pulled out and jolted back as if I had hit him across the face.

“G…” he said in a tone that was almost painful to hear.

I looked up at him as a single tear fell down the side of my face. “James…”

He backed away from me with caution. I didn’t know if it was for my protection or his. I watched as his eyes changed and he had returned to me. He was James again, my James. It was
the first time I had seen him in eight years. I wanted to run to him and seek refuge in his arms. I wanted him to take me away from here and take care of me. To show me how much he loved me. I was sure he was going to reach for me. I knew I saw the love flash across his eyes. And just as quickly as it showed up, it left. He blinked and it was gone. He backed away from me, turned, and left the room, slamming the door and making me shudder as he locked it. I looked around the pitch-black room. I was use to darkness–I had lived in it and I created it. But nothing could have prepared me for this type of darkness. I laid down in the puddle of my own tears and thought about everything.

My whole life was one big secret and lie.
I couldn’t regulate them anymore and I couldn’t keep them apart. I couldn’t convey what the truth was or what the lie was.

It all blended together.

Making me who I was.

The person that I hated.

I didn’t once think he was taking advantage of me; it never even crossed my mind. He would leave these letters in my locker that were sonnets from Shakespeare, mainly Romeo and Juliet. My heart fluttered every time I would open my locker.

“What’s up with you?” Mack questioned, making me slam my locker shut.

“Holy shit, Mack! You scared me,” I said, placing my hand on my heart.

“We always meet at our lockers before cheerleading practice. What’s wrong with you? You’ve been really weird this last month.”

“Oh!” I retorted, opening my locker to avoid looking at her eyes.

“Oh? That’s your answer?” she mimicked.

“Yeah…there’s nothing to talk about. I’m just stressing over school and stuff. My dad’s on my ass, Mack,” I stated, leaning over the door to look at her.

“Your dad
’s not that bad, Gia.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to me
an? Are you siding with him?” I accused.

Her eyes widened
. “No! Not at all, I’m just saying.”

“Since when do you just say?”

“What? Why are we fighting? And why are you getting mad at me? I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Why was I getting mad at her? Were the lies getting too much and I was taking them out on her?

I laid my hand on my forehead. “I’m sorry, Mack, I didn’t mean to jump on you like that. I’m just stressed out.”

“I get it. No worries. I’ll see you at practice,” she reasoned, walking away.

I grabbed her by the arm. “We cool?”

She smiled
. “Of course.”

Once she turned the corner and I knew she was gone
, I eagerly grabbed the note and made sure no one was looking or around before opening it.

Tis torture, and not mercy. Heaven is here Where Juliet lives, and every cat and dog
and little mouse, every unworthy thing, live here in heaven and may look on her, but Romeo may not.
[8]

Meet me at Alderson Park, midnight.

I placed the note in my pocket and took a deep breath. Cheerleading practice ran exceptionally slow and I tried to keep my mind on the routines, but I couldn’t. I wanted the minutes to go fast and not stop till it was twelve o’clock. The rest of the night went just as slow, if not slower. I ate dinner with my parents, took a shower, and said goodnight to them just as I always had. I dressed in a spaghetti strapped, yellow dress and white sandals. I rigged my bed with pillows that resembled my body, but I knew my parents wouldn’t come into my room. They never did after we exchanged goodnights, and they were heavy sleepers with the same routine. My dad passed out around ten and my mom would watch TV until 10:30-11.

I quietly made my way out of the house and grabbed my mom’s bike that I left on the side of the house a few hours earlier. The entire time I pedaled
, my heart was in my throat; I was nervous and excited and couldn’t get there fast enough.

I got there at exactly midnight
but didn’t see his car anywhere. My heart sank thinking he didn’t show up and changed his mind. I climbed the closed gate and jumped once I was over to avoid slipping and getting scratched. The park was a few yards from the gate and was hidden with trees. I was thankful I brought a flashlight because I could barely see a few feet in front of me. I think I held my breath the entire time, even though I knew that wasn’t possible. The soft candle lighting was the first thing that caught my eye and I swear my heart stopped. He had shown up and was sitting on a blanket with a few candles surrounding him.

Our own little paradise and oasis, away from everyone.

Where it was just the two of us.

I made my way over to him…my happily ever after.

“Hi,” I greeted, trying not to sound shy or insecure, which is exactly the way I felt.

“You’re nervous,” he acknowledged.

Of course he knew, he was the only person I couldn’t hide from and he wouldn’t let me.

I nodded, not being able to find the words to express what I felt and what he meant to me.

He smiled. “Come here, sit down,” he ordered, extending out his hand for me to take it.

I grabbed it and he immediately pulled me to him in a playful manor
. I fell right on top of him and we laughed.

“There she is,” he observed
, grinning.

I beamed and tried to sit up
. “Nope! I like having you on top of me, and now that I’m finally holding you, I’m not letting you go.”

“Can we at least sit up?”

“Oh, you don’t like laying on top of me?” he accused, before flipping me over onto my back with him on top. “How about now?”

“This is good.” My skin felt hot all over.

“Good to know, girl who likes to be on the bottom,” he joked, kissing me on the tip of my nose. “You’re beautiful, and not just on the outside, you’re beautiful everywhere.”

“You’re beautiful
, too.”

He scooted over to lay on his side with his head on his hand, but kept his
other hand entwined with mine over my heart, and his right leg laid overtop mine.

“I parked my truck down the street, I didn’t want anyone to think someone was hanging out here. I wanted us to have some privacy where I could touch you. I’ve been thinking and dreaming about nothing but touching you, G. I’ve never felt like this. All I do is think about you,” he declared. “You’re an enigma to me
; I love that you only share yourself with me. And as much as I want you to open up and let people see the real you, a huge part of me wants to be completely selfish and not share you with anyone.”

I chuckled
. “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been able to lie to everyone in my life since the day I was born, but I can’t do it with you. And not only that…I don’t want to,” I explained.

“You don’t ever hide from me because I’ll always find you,” he spoke with conviction. I knew right then and there I would forever be his. I belonged to him and no one else could take that away from me because I no longer had control over it. It was just the way it was.

I wanted to ask him about the future and what was going to happen with us. All of this…the hiding, the secrets, and the lies were for a reason, right?

It all had to mean something?

“Stop thinking…stop thinking and just feel. Can you do that for me?” he pleaded.

I took in his words and let myself do just that
. I let myself live in the moment with him because right then and there, nothing else mattered.

“I use to love swings when I was a kid. I remember our parents use to yell at Mack and I to
get off those freaking swings.” I said, trying to change the subject.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

The word trust had such a fickle meaning to me. Did I ever trust anyone? If I did, wouldn’t I be able to tell them the truth? Wouldn’t I be able to be who I was? Trust that no one would judge me, trust that no one would hate me, trust that everyone would understand me?

That’s what trust is, to know I would
be accepted for who I was, and that they would love me unconditionally and without reservation.

Trust.

I trust no one.

But…I trusted him
.

“Yes,” I easily admitted.

His eyes lit up and it was only for me. I had never seen that look in his eyes, it was like he had just won the lottery, as if he knew everything I was thinking without me having to say a word or explain it. He knew me more than anyone, including myself.

“Come on,” he urged, standing up and pulling me with him.

He dragged me over to the swing-set a few feet away. He placed me on the swing and kneeled before me.

“
Why are we thus divided having kissed? Why are we yet two bodies and not one?
Why have our separate spirits leave to run. Two sundered paths of thought? Love, incomplete, seems ever but begun, and yearns to consummation never won, that moaning kiss the same sands night by night. So I, who famish at possession's goal, must kiss and kiss, yet kisses ne'er console, Love's over-burdened heart that is not eased,”
[9]
he recited, with a tone that I had never heard.

He licked
from the inside of my thigh and worked his way up, taking my dress with him, and then leaned back to sit on his heels as his eyes devoured my body. I had gone completely commando, and by the look in his eyes, he very much appreciated what he saw. Everywhere he caressed, he left an awakening behind. My skin felt like it was on fire, and heat spread straight to my core, making my pussy throb in anticipation.

He took a deep breath and clenched his jaw
. “Your body is sinful. I want to sit at your alter and just admire you. Fuck…” he groaned. “How did I get so lucky?”

Laying his hands on my thighs, he squeezed them like he wanted to crawl into my skin and make us one person. He spread my legs wider apart, moved forward
, and inhaled my scent. My chest heaved as I stared at him, not knowing what to expect next.

“Want to play a game?” he teased.

“Yes,” I answered with hooded eyes.

“Put your hands on the chains and hold on,” he demanded, coming close to my fa
ce. “I want to taste your pussy.” He kissed my left cheek. “I want to lick your pussy.” He kissed my right cheek. “I want to suck on your clit.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “And I want to push my tongue so far into your cunt–” he taunted a few centimeters from my mouth “–and make you come, until every ounce of you is dripping down my face,” he groaned, licking my top lip. “And then I want to kiss you and have you lick it off,” he urged. “But you can’t take your hands off the chains, or else you don’t get to come. And trust me, I want to make you come.”

I never had anyone talk to me like that
, and fuck if it didn’t have me melting in the seat. He eased his way down, placing my feet on his shoulders and stared at my pussy for a few seconds before doing this growling, snarling thing, then he went in for the kill. Seeing his head nestled in between my thighs was a sight that would stay with me forever. It was intoxicating and suffocating; he lapped at me like he couldn’t get enough of me. I was lost in ecstasy of feeling his mouth on my most sacred area. He ravished me slowly at first, but it became more intense and urgent as time passed.

My head thrashed back and forth and I kept my eyes solely devoted to what he was doing to me. When he buried his tongue in my opening
, I almost came right then and there, but I held back, not wanting the moment to end. His eyes had a playful hue to them, as if he read my mind, and nipped at my sensitive flesh, making me yelp. When he started making loud noises of pleasure, my legs started to tremble and close on their own, but he held them open with a firm grip. He enjoyed manipulating my body how he wanted; he pushed two fingers into my sex and simultaneously moved them with his mouth. I knew I would never be the same. There was no coming back from him.

I was falling apart
, not because of what he was doing, but because it was him that was doing it to me. I gasped and started to squirm, and he sucked harder and pushed in deeper. When he grazed my nub with his teeth, my back arched and my head fell back, I came hard. He growled deep within the back of his throat and lunged forward with his entire body and I almost fell back off the swing, but he caught me with one arm around my back and the other placed behind my neck. His tongue spread my moisture all around my mouth, and the mixture of him and myself had me coming apart all over again.

“Jesus, baby, you come with everything you have,” he whispered. “You don’t hold back anything from me, not ever.” I kept the same pace he was giving me
, trying to show him that he was the object of my affection as much as I was his. We kissed for what felt like hours, not being able to get enough of each other.

I walked away with his heart that night and he walked away with mine.

I had absolutely no idea how much time had passed. It felt like days. I crawled around the room a few hours after he left me and I found a bottle of vodka tucked in a corner. I wanted nothing from him, but that didn't stop me from drinking it. It’s pretty crazy to think about what the body and human mind can get accustomed to if given the opportunity. I got use to the darkness. I lived in it my entire life. It gave me a false comfort to sleep in the front of the room, by the door. When I was awake, I was drinking, and the more I drank, the more I reflected. It was almost therapeutic. How fucked up was that? I waited for the door to open and it never did. I was almost done with my bottle and I was more worried about what would happen when I was done, than I was about leaving the room.