She's the Boss (33 page)

“In doing this.” Mika’s voice was firm and confident. “I take you as my wife.”

The minister then turned to Maddy and had her repeat the same vows.

I gazed at my best friend, glowing with pride. In her silk organza Vera Wang, with her hair up in a soft, elegant chignon, she looked every inch the radiant bride. Then my wandering eyes settled on Inge. I couldn’t help but admire how her bridesmaid dress accentuated that hourglass figure of hers.

I sighed, wishing I could look like that. I was wearing the exact same dress, the same shiny green ball of satin, but I looked like a Bartlett pear. Not an Anjou pear, Bosc pear or an Asian pear, mind you. But a Bartlett pear—the King of pears.

The minister’s voice jolted me out of my reverie. The vows were now completed and he was waxing lyrical. “May you love deeply, laugh heartily, practice patience, and smile often. May you dream together, grow, be crazy, give, give in, and trust to take. May you see many sunrises, listen to the rain, savor special moments. May you rediscover each other, listen carefully and always have open hearts.” He paused for a weighted second, then, “You may seal your vows with a kiss!”

Mika bent over and planted a long and lingering kiss on Maddy’s lips.

The minister raised his voice. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, Maddy and Mika, as husband and wife!”

Over two hundred guests rose to their feet and thunderous applause erupted in the chapel’s walled garden.

“DA-YUM!” Truong wolf-whistled. “Mika said yes to the dress!”

I laughed. I had to admit, Mika cut a fine figure in his red kilt and tartan. Bagpipe music filled the ballroom and I was eager to bust out some Highland dance moves. But first, as maid of honor, I had a speech to deliver.

I rose ceremoniously to my feet and clinked my champagne glass with a fork to get the crowd’s attention.

Soon, all eyes were upon me.

I looked around at the sea of faces and gulped. “Good evening, everyone! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Karsynn, Maddy’s maid of honor, and I’d like to start by congratulating the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Harkett.”

I smiled maternally at the happy couple as claps and whoops echoed through the room. “Thank you all for being here today to celebrate the beginning of their union. I’m afraid I’m not very good at writing speeches, so instead I’m gonna rap.” I paused a fraction and added with a certain amount of street-cred glamour, “I’m gonna rap freestyle. And, I’m going to need a little help from two very special people in Maddy’s life. Everyone, please give it up for Grandmaster Flash Truong and Inge E. Fresh!”

Amidst the flashing strobe lights, Truong and Inge jogged to the front of the dance floor.

I hailed a passing waiter and hastily handed off my champagne glass. Then I rushed to explain, “I have to do those hand gestures when I’m rapping.”

“Of course.” The waiter nodded gravely.

“Thank you!” I beamed at him and slid across the floor, coming to a slow halt next to Truong and Inge.

“Ready?” I jerked my head.

“Ready,” responded my posse.

On cue, all three of us slipped on our Ray-Ban sunglasses.

Signaling the DJ, I yelled, “Hit it!”

Truong and Inge began beatboxing to a steady hip-hop ‘chicka-chickah’ beat. Gripping the mic, I began busting out rhymes whilst doing the Mos Def Wave (arms lowered at the elbow, palm outward, fingers pressed together like a Miss Universe pageant wave, but not exactly, moving my elbows to a steady beat as if to say,
“Alright homie, I’ll make myself scarce!”
).

Life is the flower, for which love is the honey

And the road walked with love is such a sweet journey

That culminates with a wedding between the two

Who gather at the altar to say, “I do.”

I paused, allowing Truong to insert his signature grunt, “YEUGH. UHH-UHH.”

Vows are exchanged, and rings are too,

Sealed with a kiss, and topped with ‘I Love You.’

The newlyweds then retreat to a honeymoon,

And Maddy comes back pregnant, not too soon,

They live happily ever after, as one big family.

And that ladies and gentleman, is the gist of my story.

Some of you are thinking, “Wait a minute, that never happens!”

But sometimes it does, when the stars align in heaven.

And every once in a while, fairytales become reality,

As love sometimes shapes one’s destiny,

A perfect couple would be Maddy and Mika . . .

Inge crossed her arms, bobbing her head to the steady beat. “YEP! YEP!”

And this rhyme for them goes something like this:

The winds of love have blown the Asian flower,

To bloom in the heart of a Belgian stud forever,

The Cupid’s arrow has struck once again,

And the lives of Maddy and Mika will never be the same,

For the love shared between these two,

Is like love never seen before, so pure and true.

Couples come and couples go,

As some marriages are just fo’ sho’

But the both of you, I know fo’ shor’

Will remain together fo-eveh mo’

For I have seen the two of you,

Holding hands and walking through,

Every experience, good or bad,

Every moment, happy or sad,

In times of sickness and in times of health,

In times of poverty and in times of wealth,

If there’s a piece of advice I can impart,

Don’t let debt tear you apart!

Waving his arms, doing the Slim Shady chop, Truong grunted, “UHH. UHH. Till debt to you part!”

I know the two of you will share much love,

During the times of all above,

For the love between the two of you,

Just gets better and better, all year through,

And this is not the ending of your love story,

It is the beginning of a special journey,

For I see many happy moments ahead,

As the both of you are destined by fate,

I see many children, five, maybe ten,

But that depends on how much Mika’s a man!

Truong threw his arms in the air and slipped in a, “WHURRRRD!”

I see many cars in your garage—Ferrari, Lamborghini,

Yeah right, those miniature ones from JC Penney!

Truth is, I don’t know how many kids or cars you’ll get,

But one thing I do know for sure is that,

I see Mika walking ahead to open the door,

For Maddy, even when he’s seventy-four,

I see Maddy whipping out dinner,

Even when she’s sick and down with a fever!

I see the both of you growing old,

With such a beautiful story to be told!

Truong finished it off with a, “WAKA! WAKA! BOiiiiiiiii.”

Crossing my arms, I threw in a smooth, “SWAAAGGG!”

Our performance was greeted by rip-roaring applause. Somewhat pink around the ears, I turned to Truong and Inge, beaming. “We brought the house down.”

They beamed back at me. “We sure did, girlfriend.”

Having soaked up the applause, I cut across the floor, reached for my champagne glass and returned to the mic. “So everyone . . .” I paused until I had their full attention. “Maddy has always been my other half, but now she has found a new half. But I realize, it’s OK. We can be thirds.” Minor laughter echoed through the room. I looked over at Maddy and there she sat, a picture of marital contentment, smiling at me with tears in her eyes. Tears burned behind my eyelids and I almost choked up as I smiled back at my bestie. “And now, ladies and gentleman, please join me and raise your glasses to give a toast to Maddy and Mika.”

The guests rose to their feet, lifted their champagne glasses and cheered, “To Maddy and Mika!”

Shortly after, the DJ called all the single ladies to the floor. Ah, it was time for the bouquet toss. Most of the bridesmaids began limbering up with some aerobic squats, lunges and leg presses. Taking their lead, I removed my diamond encrusted heels and started doing some quadriceps stretches. Then I did some hip circles. In short, I stood like Wonder Woman and rotated my hips. Next, I started power walking on the spot to keep my heart rate elevated while keeping my joints safe.

“Pssssst!” I heard Truong hissing from the sidelines.

I eyed him quickly. “What?”

“You need to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Power walking.”

“Why?” I sighed with a certain degree of irritation.

“You look like you desperately need to rush home and take a huge crap.” He smiled endearingly. “Just saying.”

Before I could think of a suitable comeback, Maddy glided across the floor and stood erect with a bouquet of gardenias in her hands.

“You ready, girls?” She threw a quick glance over her shoulder.

Collectively, we hollered, “Ready!” and quickly got ourselves into a football huddle position.

“OK.” Maddy took a deep breath and raised both her arms up high. “On the count of three. ONE. TWO. THREE!” She flung the bouquet over her shoulders and it went soaring through the air in a perfect arch with all eyes glued to its form. I clapped my hand up to my mouth in horror as the bouquet struck a crystal chandelier, sending it crashing down to the marble floor.

A collective gasp went up and then a reverent hush fell across the room.

While everyone else around me stepped back, I stood perfectly still, staring at the bruised bouquet surrounded by shards of broken glass. “Oh hell!” I cursed aloud. “I have to get it!”

“Wait!” Maddy’s voice halted me from behind. “Don’t do it!”

I threw her a saccharine smile. “When has telling me not to do something ever stopped me from doing it?”

Maddy sighed with heavy resignation.

Lifting up my skirt, I tiptoed around the shattered mess, my footsteps so light as to leave the smallest sliver of crystal undisturbed. Right as I was about to reach for the bouquet, it suddenly struck me—this was my Pippa Middleton moment! The moment her satin clad derriere stole the show at the Royal Wedding.

Carefully, and ever so demurely, I bent over, aimed my ass at my captivated audience and scooped up the bouquet, all while managing to look fairly come-hither I thought, given the fact that I looked like a giant pear in my green satin dress.

Smiling winsomely, I held up the bridal bouquet like it was some sort of Heisman trophy and the crowd screamed its approval.

“Oh God, Kars.” Truong giggled hysterically. “The lengths you’re willing to go to for a bridal bouquet. Don’t worry, after that little stunt you pulled, flashing your ass, I’m sure you’ll find your husband tonight.”

“It’s not even about that,” I declared with a huff of annoyance. “The whole thing just brought out my competitive edge.”

“Since when has bouquet-catching become a competitive sport?” Truong teased, stepping aside to make room for the hotel staff who were on their hands and knees, clearing up the mess.

I laughed. “It’s always been a competitive sport.”

Minutes later, the dance floor was spic-and-span and bagpipe music started blaring from the loud speakers. All around me people were dancing. The beautiful newlyweds, smartly dressed children, parents, grandparents, my coworkers, Truong and Inge, friends that I’d known forever. Closing my eyes, I let myself exist without a care in the world, spinning around to my heart’s content, tossing my head back and laughing, feeling my dress whirl around my calves. I probably looked like a complete nutter, but I didn’t care.

Out of nowhere a drunk guy came careening by, knocking right into me.

“Hey!” he said shortly. “Watch where you’re going!”

“Watch where
you’re
going,” I shot back.

“Oh, it’s you!” He leered suggestively. “The sexy maid of honor.” Then most unexpectedly, he began bumping and grinding on me like a complete buffoon.

Sheesh. This man was seriously oversexed and he was giving me serial rapist red flags. I tried to walk away but he grabbed me roughly by the arm and began gyrating his hips. “Dance with me, woman!” he ordered.