Shem Creek (10 page)

“So, Patti’s upper lip started to quiver and I thought,
Oh, hell, here we go. We’ve got a weeper.
But, we had her nailed. She knew we were right.
Cry like a dog,
I thought.
Cry and go to hell.
I decided to move before the dam opened up so I said,
I’ll go get the pie,
and went to the kitchen.

“Everything was quiet for a few minutes and then when I came back and was standing by the table holding a hot pecan pie with two thick oven mitts looking for a spot to put it down, Daddy said,
Well, you girls had better get used to Patti because she’s going to be my wife.

“I thought I would faint. Then, Gracie said,
Oooo-kay! That’s it! I’m fucking out of here!
She pushed back her chair and ran out of the house.

“God help me, Momma, I didn’t do it on purpose but I dropped the pie right on the floor.”

We started to laugh and couldn’t stop laughing for the longest time.

“It was a good thing Buster liked pecans,” Lindsey said.

“It’s a good thing we’re moving,” I said, “and speaking of moving . . .”

“Yeah, I know, Mom, we’ve got a lot left to do.”

I wouldn’t miss Patti and Fred for two seconds. I knew that Patti could’ve been a good influence on both my girls in all kinds of ways, but I was feeling selfish. Too many years had passed with me out of their lives during the critical parts of their days. I didn’t need any more reminders of my shortcomings or any opportunities for my girls to make personal comparisons between plain old me and the fabulous Patti.

IT was early Monday morning and I was sitting in my soon-to-be-former office, shooting the breeze with Robert. We were waiting for Linda to arrive and assume the reins of manager, liberating me from the drudgery of accounts payable duties and the myriad small duties that consumed my day.

“I can’t wait till she gets in here and changes my world,” I said. “She claims she loves this detail stuff. What time do you have to be in court?”

“Not in court today. I’m driving up to Pawleys Island to take depositions from my latest client. Seems their connubial bliss is losing altitude and gaining speed.”

“And you’re representing the bride or the groom?”

“The bride and God help her, her husband’s got money hidden all over the islands and he’s, shall we say,
not cooperating
with the discovery process?”

“Wealthy?”

“Listen, as long as they pay the bill, do I care? I never take a client based on how much
money
they have! Jesus man! I take them based on how interesting they are!”

“I’m just giving you a little grief, Robert. Want some coffee? They just made a fresh pot.”

“Sure, why not?”

We were on our way to the kitchen when the phone rang. Someone in the front answered it. As soon as I saw the flashing light, I figured it was for me so I grabbed it.

“Jackson Hole, Brad speaking.”

It was Loretta, calling from Atlanta. My lovely, unfaithful, soon-to-be ex-torturer. The way she screamed on the phone, I would have sworn the woman was hard of hearing.

“Yeah, it’s me, Loretta. What’s up?”

“It’s Alex! I just got a call from the
police
department. . . .”

Alex was our son, who would soon be sixteen.

“Is he okay?”

“Oh, he’s
fine
but he’s in
big
trouble.”

“So, are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to wait and watch it on CNN?” I couldn’t help being sarcastic. One syllable from Loretta’s lips and I was instantly irritated.

“Very funny, Bradford. He was caught shoplifting a DVD from Tower Records.”

“Well, go get him out of the cooler and read him the riot act, Loretta!”

“I can’t . . . I just can’t . . . someone might see me there and . . .”

I couldn’t believe my ears. She was worried about
herself?

“Loretta! Have you lost your mind?
Go get Alex!
”

“What if he gets suspended from Lovett? What if he can’t play football? Do you understand what I’m
dealing
with?”

Her voice quivered and I knew that any minute she was going to break down.

“Loretta. Calm down. Call Archie. He’ll tell you what to do.”

I turned to Robert, who was listening to my end of the conversation and biting his lip not to laugh. Linda arrived and walked up to where we were standing. I held up two fingers to let her know I’d be off the phone as fast as I could. I could see she and Robert liked each other right away, which was good.

Loretta had mumbled something and because I was distracted I had missed it.

“What did you say?”

“I said, I
can’t
ask Archie anything. We broke up!”

I wasn’t about to ask her what happened to
Archie.
I was ready to die laughing at the thought of her wounded pride, but she was so distraught, I held back.

“Then call Theo!” Theo, my wonderful father-in-law, was the guy who had sold me out and bankrupted me without any apologies.

“Who’s he talking to?” Linda whispered to Robert.

“Shhh!” Robert said. “He’ll be off in a minute.”

Loretta continued to whine in my ear. “I can’t call Daddy! He’d just
die
if he heard this!”

“Then Loretta, what do you want me to do? Get on a plane?”

“Would you?” she said in the tiny voice of a minx.

Outrageous!

“Loretta! You listen to me and hear me good, okay? Alex is your responsibility! You have full custody! So,
get
your behind down to the police station and get my
fifteen-year-old
son and take him home! Then, if you want me to, I’ll call Alex and talk to him.”

“I’m putting him in military school, Brad! I mean it!”

“You’ll do
no such thing!
Alex has never done anything like this in his life! Now,
get going
and tell Alex to call me later!”

I slammed the phone down so hard Loretta’s earring probably fell off. Taking a deep breath, I extended a hand to Linda, forgetting that the last time she had nearly broken my fingers.

“Hey! Welcome on board, Linda! I see you’ve already met Robert? He’s the wallet behind this glamorous establishment. . . .”

She shook my hand hard and I winced.

“And, his best friend of his entire life. . . .”

She turned, shook Robert’s hand and he nearly buckled at the knees.

“Some grip! God, woman! Don’t hurt me!”

“Oh, God! I’m so, so sorry! I keep forgetting. . . .”

I threw my hands in the air and Robert shook his head. Linda was mortified but recovered quickly, saying, “Who’s Loretta? Who’s Alex? Is everything okay?”

“Should we tell her about Xanthippe?” Robert said, rubbing his knuckles.

“Who?” Linda was obviously befuddled by Robert’s nickname for Loretta.

“Xanthippe was the wife of Socrates, known for her constant nagging. Loretta is my almost ex-wife and Alex is our fifteen-year-old son, whom Loretta can’t seem to handle without shrieking. . . .”

“She broke up with Archie?” Robert said. “What happened?”

“Who’s Archie?” Linda said.

“Archie is the son of a bitch who broke up my marriage. . . .”

“Who should be
thanked
for it every day for the rest of his life!” Robert said. “I think the gravity of this moment calls for a cigar. Care to join me, Brad? I have some very excellent Cohibas in my briefcase.”

“Cigar?” Linda stared at me. “You smoke cigars?”

“What? You allergic? You hate them?”

“No! I love cigars! Smoke your head off! They remind me of my father.”

“Oh? Is your dad still alive?” I asked.

“Oh, no, he passed away years ago.”

I realized Linda was standing there with her handbag and a box of office supplies and I hadn’t even told her it was okay to put them in the office. Robert had two cigars in hand and was fishing around in his briefcase for a cutter and I, so far, had done nothing to make this woman feel welcome, except to allow her to remangle my hand and confuse her with a bunch of names that made no sense to her.

“Linda? Why don’t we go into your new office and I’ll get us some coffee. Then I’m gonna tell you the story of Loretta and Archie and how I ended up here.”

“Fine! I mean, you don’t have to tell me. . . .”

“It’s best she knows,” Robert said, and began the process of circumcising the cigars with his Swiss Army knife.

I brought three large mugs on a tray back to the office, where Robert was flirting like Casanova with Linda. She knew he was just kidding around, and in fact she was giggling like a schoolgirl.

“He’s harmless,” I said, putting the tray on the empty desk.

“Unfortunately, that’s true,” Robert said, feigning the most infinitesimal sliver of shame. “Susan would obliterate me off the planet if I ever
seriously,
I mean . . . you haven’t met her yet, but when you do . . .”

“Oh, stop blathering, you old woman, and let me give Linda the salient points of my heroic adventure,” I said. “Okay, first there came Loretta. I married Loretta straight out of business school and knew right away I’d made a huge mistake. Her father owned a small but prestigious investment banking firm in Atlanta and I, being the son of a farmer and a schoolteacher, wanted nothing more than a life of glitz. . . .”

“Here’s a light,” Robert said, lighting my cigar. “But what he got was a life of grunt!”

I inhaled and coughed and then I groaned.

“You okay?” Linda said.

“Yeah! Whew! Man! Every time I think about the hell I went through and for what?” I said. “Anyway, it was pretty dismal. I worked and worked these ungodly hours and the old man was always breathing down my neck, second-guessing every decision, every plan—it was just awful.”

“Tell her about Amy!” Robert said, “Amy was
hot,
bubba! That’s why the whole thing started to unravel. . . .”

“You had a
girlfriend?
” Linda said and blushed.

I didn’t know if she said it that way because it was impossible to believe I’d consider adultery or because she thought it was impossible that anyone would find me attractive. I decided to defend my viability as an object of desire and tell her the story exactly as it happened.

“Ah, Amy!” I rolled my eyes. Linda must’ve thought I had a twitch because she didn’t smile. “Okay, it was just last November, and I was having a perfectly nice lunch with Amy, my secretary. We had just ordered. A fist slammed my table and the next thing I knew, Theo, my father-in-law, was leaning over me and the hissing began.
I never should have let my only daughter marry you. I knew it was a mistake then. And, I know it now.

“I felt like saying, congratulations—we were both right. Anyway, Theo, who was one inch from my face, was whispering, may I add, very unsuccessfully. I could tell from the creeping scarlet of my secretary’s neck and face that she was mortified. Our captain scurried away, leaving us to sort out this simple misunderstanding.

“I stood up.
Theo?
He was firmly planted in his spot, ready to launch something nuclear my way. Naturally, when he did not reply in a timely fashion, I spoke.
Theo, it’s Secretary’s Day and I am merely having lunch with my secretary.

“
You don’t fool me for a minute,
he said. Theo looked at Amy in disgust and then back to me.
No one takes their secretary to the City Grill. You must think I’m an idiot
. I said,
No, I think you owe the lady an apology
.”

“Yeah, you see, Theo is Atlanta’s authority on where you can take your secretary to lunch,” Robert said. “He’s got a plaque from the mayor in his office. . . .”

“Yeah, sure. So, did he apologize? God! I would’ve died on the spot!”

“No, he didn’t apologize and Amy just left the table.”

“So tell her what Amy looked like!”

“Okay, okay. Amy was a willowy, redheaded, green-eyed gal with this face that was like, I don’t know, a porcelain figurine or something. It looked like she had the dust of crushed pearls on her skin. I swear . . .”

Robert and Linda were staring at me as though I were overdosing on psychedelic mushrooms from Thoreau’s forest and that at any second I would begin to spasm and writhe in erotic ecstasy. I cleared my throat.

“Anyway, as she escaped to the ladies’ room, she sidestepped the arm of Theo’s suit, as though it was dipped in anthrax.”

“Good Lord! I would’ve been shaking and fainting!” Linda said.

“Not her. Here’s the kicker. When she glanced back, I saw that her face was void of any emotion and I thought that was odd. In the same instant, Theo blew his stinking breath in my face and stormed out, leaving me there, holding my cloth napkin, completely mystified by what had just occurred. I thought, wait!
Great God!
Was it
possible
?