Shelter You (21 page)

“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” I say. “You’re the last person I’d ever want to hurt, I just didn’t want to bring my mess to your door.”

“Your mess is my mess baby. That’s what loving you means. Anything that hurts you hurts me. It’s my job to make sure you feel safe and protected and I will not let anyone make you feel anything less than that.”

I fight for sleep, do my best to fight off the memories of the past and the fears of the future. I hold onto the fact that for tonight at least Logan’s love is true.

It’s pure and real and I can shelter myself with that.

My eyes flutter open, taking in the bright rays of morning sun that are shining through the window.

I close my eyes again and sprawl across the large bed. I listen for noises but the house is quiet, eerily so. Logan must have left for work already and Lily must still be asleep which is rare. I decide to take advantage of the quiet time and sleep a little longer. It’s not like I have a job to get to anymore or anything pressing. I have no money and the sad truth is that I’m not safe leaving the house, not while there’s still a possibility of Nick being around. Tonight when Logan comes home from work I’ll tell him the truth. I’ll tell him all about my history with Nick and hope that he still wants me when I’m done with my story. Assuming he understands and can accept it all, he’ll know what to do next, he’ll know what steps we should take to ensure all of our safety. I have to believe that everything will work out, that Lily and I will get the life that we deserve.

I toss and turn a bit, unable to get comfortable then finally give up on the notion of sleeping longer than usual. I get up and quickly use the bathroom so that I can go in and check on Lily before making myself some breakfast and starting the laundry. I make my way across the hallway to her bedroom and quietly open the door, careful not to wake her if she’s still asleep. I listen for sounds of her cooing or rustling her bed sheet but there are none. I silently tiptoe across the room to her crib, look down, and gasp at the sight of the empty crib before me.

My heart rate doubles and my body goes on instant alert. I try to stay calm and look around the room.

Could Logan have taken her? Left her in her swing or play yard maybe?

My body is in shock, unwilling to move, but I force myself to come unstuck and rush downstairs. I run into the living room, right to the spot where her play yard usually sits. My knees go weak and I have to hold onto the edge of it.

She’s not here.

“Lily!” I cry out as panic strikes.

I look around me taking in my surroundings and I know. I know he has her. Nick, he’s got Lily. I try to keep control of my emotions. I can’t lose it yet, I have to call Logan. He’ll know what to do. He’ll get her back.

I run into the kitchen and grab the phone, dialing Logan’s cell phone number as quickly as I can. It goes to voicemail and I let out a curse before I hang up and try again.

“Please pick up. Please, please, please,” I say to myself, biting back the tears that threaten.

“Hey baby, you okay?” he answers. The concern is evident in his voice, I never call him at work.

“Logan, she’s gone!” I half shriek, half yell. I’m no longer able to control the tears, the sound of his voice allowing me to let go of the emotions.

“Mia, calm down,” he says firmly. “What are you saying?”

“Lily… Lily’s gone, he took her Logan. He has her. You have to help me. ”

“Baby, Lily was in her crib an hour ago.” He sounds shaken, scared and confused.

“She’s not there. Please, please help me. He’s going to do something to her, please.” I beg.

“Oh my God, Mia.” He breathes out. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Stay by the phone and away from the doors and windows.”

“Please hurry,” I say before disconnecting the call.

After hanging up with Logan, I run upstairs and barely make it to the bathroom before I fall to the ground and violently expel the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I sit there for a moment, my body shaking as I try to process what’s happening. I pull myself up and throw cold water on my face. I rifle through my drawers for something to wear, anything it doesn’t really matter. I just need to be ready to go look for Lily. I toss on a pair of sweats and my sneakers. I pick up my cell phone and check if I have any missed calls or messages. Of course not. Besides Logan and his family, no one knows this number. I search all the rooms again, knowing that it’s useless but I do it anyway, saying a silent prayer for Lily to be there as I enter each one. By the time I make it back downstairs, I can barely see through the fountain of tears falling from my eyes.

A few minutes later, I hear a flurry of activity outside.

Logan bursts through the front doors, a swarm of people behind him. I run into his arms and break down in uncontrollable sobs. Logan picks me up and carries me over to the couch, setting me down next to him. I wipe away my tears as I take in the sight before me: Police officers are searching the house, tearing it apart, searching for any evidence of Lily.

“I know that you’re freaking out on me but I need you to hold on,” Logan says, making me look up and see a pain in his eyes that mirrors my own. “You have to tell me what you know, Mia. I need to know everything if you want me to get Lily back.”

I nod my head. “Okay.”

He reaches out and strokes my cheek. “Mia, this is John. He’s going to listen while I take your statement.”

“Why? Why does anyone have to listen?”

“Because baby, you’re my girlfriend, and me taking your statement is a conflict of interest. I shouldn’t even be the one to do it but I’m going to anyway. John is going to sit in and listen, kind of like a witness.”

I look at the officer sitting there, hating that he has to hear what I have to say next but at this point I don’t care who hears it. I could care less about who knows what happened as long as I get Lily back.

“Alright,” I say softly.

“Who took Lily?” Logan asks, getting right to the point.

“His name is Nick Barnes.”

“How do you know him?”

I look past him and gaze out the window, allowing my eyes to focus on anything other than Logan’s face. “He’s my father’s best friend. My godfather.”

He gently cups my chin with his hand and turns my face, forcing my eyes back on him. “Why would he take Lily?”

I close my eyes and steel myself for what’s about to come because I know my admission is going to shock him. I take a deep breath and open my eyes again letting myself focus on the deep blue of Logan’s eyes. “Because he’s her father.”

“
What
?” His face goes pale and he turns his face away from me, running his hand through his short hair.

“It’s not what you think.” I blurt out, trying to defend myself before he’s too far gone. “It wasn’t like that.”

His forehead rests on his hand and he angles his head upward to face me. His nostrils flare and I fight the urge to get up and back away, run away from having to explain this to him but this is the only way that I can help Lily now. “What was it like, Mia?”

“We were close while I was growing up. He was always around always there for everything—birthdays, holidays, dance recitals. He was always there cheering me on. I thought I could trust him because he was more of a father to me than my own dad was. He’d spend a lot of time at the house, he and my dad would hang out and drink, and they’d get completely drunk and pass out. Nick would crawl into one of the guest bedrooms and pass out.”

“Go on.” He urges.

“It started a few weeks before my seventeenth birthday, Nick and dad were on one of their bingers. It was a Friday night and I had probably been asleep for hours by the time they were done drinking. Nick came into my bedroom and woke me up. I remember waking up because he scared the shit out of me, you know? But I laughed it off because I just assumed he was so drunk that he didn’t know what he was doing, I thought he had just stumbled into the wrong room. Only he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. No. Actually, I don’t think he was drunk at all. He knew exactly what he was doing. He said that I’d grown into a beautiful woman and that I had been taunting him for years, wearing skimpy outfits and bikinis in front of him; giving him hugs and flirting with him while I was practically naked. He said that it was time that he got what I had been flaunting all that time, he said that I owed him that much for acting like a little slut in front of him.”

“Mia…” Logan says, reaching his hand out for me, but I move backwards and out of his reach.

“No. It’s okay, I’m okay, let me finish.”

He nods, but moves closer and grabs hold of my hand. He squeezes it tightly, giving me silent encouragement.

“He climbed into my bed and got on top of me. I was wearing a night gown and he pushed it up as far as he could. I fought him and tried to buck him off of me, tried pushing, but he grabbed my wrists and pinned me down to the bed. He pulled a knife out of his waistband and told me that if I screamed it would wake up my parents and if they came into my room and found us like that he would kill them and then kill me. He told me to stop fighting him, that he wouldn’t hurt me if I just calmed down. I was so scared, I didn’t know what else to do, so I let him…”

I hesitate, using my free hand to wipe away the tears that have begun to fall down my cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Logan says, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe away fresh tears.

“I let him do that to me. He held me down the entire time, held my wrists down to the bed and took what he wanted while I cried. After he was done he kissed me on the cheek and told me to rest, told me to gather my strength because he’d be back often. He told me that anytime he was in the house he wanted me ready for him, in a nightgown with no underwear and waiting for him in my bed. And I hate myself, I hate myself because I did it. I did what he said and I let him have me over and over again and I never fought because it was easier that way, because the less I fought the quicker it was over.”

“Look at me, Mia. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I was a coward. But I never wanted it, you have to believe me. I hated it and I hated him but I was afraid, I never had the best parents but I didn’t want them dead. I didn’t want him to kill them, and I didn’t want him to kill me and he’d do it. Deep down I knew he would, so I did what he wanted.”

“You did what you had to do to survive, Mia. It wasn’t your fault. He raped you. You were a minor and he took advantage of you. He used his authority and strength to overpower you.”

He’s right, I’ve told myself the same things time and time again, reassured myself that I did the best I could under the circumstances. It’s not like I had trustworthy parents to turn to with the truth of my reality. They had done nothing but let me down for most of my life.

“He came to me one last time when he found out I was pregnant. He left me five hundred dollars and told me to get an abortion, told me to never speak a word of what happened between us, that there would be hell to pay if I ever named him as the father of my baby.”

Logan straightens his spine and shakes his head at me. “But you didn’t get an abortion.”

I shrug in response. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it… I didn’t care anymore about anything, I just knew I couldn’t get rid of my baby. I’m sure he flipped out when he realized I was still pregnant but I started avoiding him altogether and locking my door at night. I know he tried to come to me a few times, but what could he do? Break the door down? Why I didn’t think of locking my door from the start I have no idea,” I say, realizing how stupid I really was when it came to handling my situation with Nick.

“I think he was the one who eventually planted the adoption bug in my parent’s head. He knew that my parents need for a perfect appearance in front of their uptight little world would trump what I wanted.”

“Which is when they tried to force you into giving Lily up for adoption,” Logan says.

“Yes, you know the rest.”

“How do you know it was Nick who took Lily, Mia? What makes you so sure?”

“Because he’s here. I saw him two days ago while I was running. He grabbed me and pulled me behind a building. He told me my parents were on their way with their lawyer and he told me that I had better hand Lily over to them. He said that he’d seen you and me together and that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he would kill you instead of my parents.”