Shaxoa's Gift (27 page)

I remembered Quaile saying the same thing.
She had told me only the few tidbits she felt necessary and it had
cost me. Looking at Kaya, I trusted her to tell me everything.
Whether I wanted to hear it or not.

“I don’t even know where to start. I saw so
many conflicting images, you happy with Claire, you happy with your
Twin Soul, you screaming in pain greater than I could have imagined
one man could bear.” She stifled a sob. “But nothing was certain.
There are difficult choices you must make soon, and what you decide
will change the course of your life.”

“What choices?” I asked.

“You will have to choose between saving
Claire, and saving your Twin Soul,” Kaya said.

I would have to choose between them? “But I
have already saved Claire once, and I’m saving her again by coming
here. I’ll be on my way home tomorrow,” I said. “Will something
else happen to her? Will the Matwau go after her to?” My questions
tumbled out of my mouth in a landslide of fear.

“I don’t know for sure, Uriah. The Matwau
won’t take Claire, he can’t, but he will have something to do with
why you must choose between them. Choose one way and you will live
in pain for the rest of your life. Choose the other and you have a
chance at happiness, a chance.” She said put special importance on
the last word. “It won’t be one choice that shapes your future, but
several, and not only your choices will change things.”

“What else then? Who else?” I asked. I was
trying to keep my voice mild, but my fear was overriding everything
else.

“Claire. Claire will make a decision that
will greatly affect you. I have no idea what it concerns. I
couldn’t know without viewing her as well, but it will impact you.
There will be more choices. You will have to decide whether you’ll
face the Matwau alone or with friends. One choice will bring blood
and misery. One will gain you a chance at victory.”

A chance. Always just a chance.

“You will meet someone who equals you in
power, but in what type of power I couldn’t tell. This person will
break you, or you them, or a part of you, it was unclear, but only
if you let them. Your choice regarding this person could clear the
way to everything you desire, or pull you down into a mire of
self-loathing and hatred that you will not escape.”

Her words left me stunned. How was I supposed
to be able to reason out the right decision every time? I wasn’t
the one to make bold moves, or break anyone, or endanger my
friends. I wanted to go home to Claire, to my sheep and my home. My
home with wooden floors. I had seen those floors in one of the
flashes. There had been a child running across them, a little girl.
I tried to remember what she looked like, but her image had been a
blur of movement.

“The child,” I whispered, “who was she?”

Samantha’s eyes swallowed me whole. She
leaned toward me, her hand reaching out to take mine. Kaya had told
me last night how much Samantha wanted children, but no man in the
community would even look at her, let alone date her. She refused
to leave her sister, though.

“She is your daughter,” Kaya whispered, “or
might be, depending on your choices.”

“Might be? A daughter with who?” I asked.

Kaya shook her head sadly. “I don’t
know.”

“What does any of it mean?” Samantha asked
impatiently.

“I don’t know any more than I’ve said,” Kaya
said. “The images are very hard to interpret, even when they’re so
strong.”

“Samantha, please let her be,” I asked.
Samantha scowled, briefly. Her face returned to its usual warmth
when she looked at me. “I’ve already asked more of you both than I
had any right to. I won’t ask any more.”

Samantha nodded while Kaya only stared at me
with apologetic eyes. Samantha squeezed my hand before letting go
and standing. “I’ll make some tea.”

“Thank you, Sam, tea always helps calm me
down,” Kaya said. Turning back to me, she said, “I could try
again.”

“No,” I said quickly, “don’t do it again.”
She was exhausted, more than physically exhausted. She was running
on only a few hours of sleep, but that was only a portion of it.
Seeing the images had drained her emotional strength as well.

“You don’t have to see it again, Uriah. Maybe
I can find out more, interpret more of the images,” Kaya said.

I shook my head. “You’ve done enough, Kaya. I
don’t understand much of what you said, but I will when the time
comes.” I hardly believed the words, but Kaya took them on
faith.

Samantha was back with the tea a few minutes
later. The warm liquid filled me, the aroma calming me. I pushed
everything but Claire to the back of my mind. I would go home the
next day. I would hold her in my arms. Nothing else could penetrate
my thoughts. The sisters let me sit alone with my thoughts for a
long time.

When Kaya finally touched my shoulder, she
had a cordless phone in her other hand. “Why don’t you call
Claire?”

My throat closed off at the thought of
talking to Claire. “It…it’s too late.”

Kaya’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “I’m sure
she won’t mind. She must be waiting to hear from you, Uriah. You
should call her.”

“I can’t.” The words came out in a strangled
croak.

“Why not,” Kaya asked.

There were so many reasons. Possibly, none of
them made sense, but I could not take the phone from Kaya’s
hand.

“Uriah, what’s wrong.”

“Right now, Claire is sleeping in my bed,
without me.”

Kaya set the phone down on the table and took
my hand in hers. “Is that something you’ve shared with Claire?”

It was the most delicate way anyone had ever
asked me if Claire and I had slept with each other. I was used to
Thomas Brant’s threats and accusing questions regarding sex with
his daughter. Kaya’s careful, non-judgmental approach lifted the
corners of my mouth. “No, Claire and I have never slept together,
but I can imagine her lying there, waiting for me. She’s waiting
for me to rescue her, but even with the potion, what will I be
bringing her? What do I say to her after everything I’ve learned?
She doesn’t even know where I am or what I’m doing.”

“Claire doesn’t know what you’re doing right
now? Why didn’t you tell her?” Kaya asked. The expression on her
face looked similar to one she had worn when I told her about how
Quaile had kept her secrets from me.

“I couldn’t bear to make her another promise,
only to fail her again.”

“You’re not going to fail her, Uriah,” Kaya
said. “The potion will be ready tomorrow, and you’ll be on your way
back to Claire. Please call her, Uriah.”

I shook my head. “How long, Kaya? How long
will I be able to stay with Claire before I’m pulled away? What if
I die? What if I do abandon her for my Twin Soul? How can I ask her
to break the bond when my future is so unsure?”

Kaya’s hands came up to my face, one on
either side of my chin. She lifted my face until we were eye to
eye. “If you died right now, what would Claire do? Do you think
that just because you were no longer around, she would skip off
happily to Daniel’s side? She loves you, Uriah. You are not asking
her to do anything. She asked you. Have faith in Claire. She
obviously has faith in you.”

Kaya’s words sliced into me. If I were dead,
would Claire turn to Daniel? What would stop her, then? Love.
Claire loved me, not Daniel. When Claire had woken up, I made the
decision to walk out of her life. I didn’t listen to Claire. She
had been begging me to stay with her, to help her, but I didn’t let
myself listen to her pleas. I told myself that I had only been
thinking of her, but was that true? Had my own pain clouded the
situation, driving me to run away, seeking escape from what I could
not bear?

I knew one thing. I did trust Claire. I had
faith in her strength. What I did not trust was myself. The second
I heard Claire’s voice, I would have broken down. I couldn’t stand
to tell her everything I had learned over the phone. I had no idea
how to tell her in person, but at least in person I could look into
her eyes and hold her soft hands.

“I understand what you’re saying, Kaya, but I
can’t call her. I can’t bear to tell her nothing, and I can’t bear
to try and explain everything over the phone. If I did, we would
both hang up, alone and frightened. I need to tell her in person.
Tomorrow will be soon enough,” I said.

Kaya frowned, but there was a hint of
understanding in her expression. She picked up the phone and
returned it to the base on the kitchen counter. “It’s late. We
should head back so you can get some sleep. You have a long drive
tomorrow.”

Sleep. I doubted I would find any rest
tonight.

23: Losing

The smell of the horses proved a wonderful
distraction and made me miss my own roan mare Daisy. I had gone to
sleep much too late the night before after another unsuccessful
attempt to get Lina to talk to me about Uriah. She was happy to
tell stories and plan for the wedding, but the second I mentioned
Uriah’s strength or control, or tried to tell her the things Cole
told me, she changed the subject. I persisted, and eventually she
simply said she was tired and went to bed.

I still believed Uriah would come back for
me, rescue me from the bond, but how long before he faced the same
dilemma? I was sure he would choose me over accepting the bond, but
I blanched at the thought of watching him suffer. Could I bear to
leave him and search for the relief he would need just like he was
doing for me? Was he really going to find anything?

I had escaped the house to help Hale with the
evening chores as promised, but when Hale found me weeping and
gasping for every breath for the third time, he tried to send me
inside. I refused, even pushed him to the ground when he tried to
take me to the house himself. I apologized immediately, but Hale
eyed me warily after that. He sent me to curry and brush the
horses. He muttered something about it soothing whatever was
bothering me, and surprisingly enough he had been right.

That calm was what had brought me back to the
stalls hours before the sun would rise. Dewmint and Gander were
still sleeping, but Astrid was wide awake and eager for brushing.
She nudged my shoulder every time my wandering mind caused my
strokes to falter, her velvet nose causing me to wince each time
she made contact with the raw wounds from yesterday. I hoped the
cuts would never heal, letting me surrender to the needed pain at
any time.

Shaking my head, I abandoned all thought that
didn’t focus on the precious animal in front of me and raised the
brush to her hide again. Astrid nickered softly as I ran the soft
brush down her back. Her coat was already beautiful, but she
reveled in the attention and I lost myself in the soothing motion.
The repetition kept my thoughts from wandering too far away.

The smell of the animals reminded me of Uriah
and the many times we had ridden out together to lose an afternoon
or entire day in the desert hills and bluffs. A few weeks after
Uriah’s father died, we met at our favorite spot, a towering rock
formation in a quiet valley a few miles from San Juan. Uriah told
his mother that he was going camping with Tyler for the weekend,
using the honest excuse that he needed to get away from the house
and the memories. His mom would have understood why he didn’t
really go with Tyler, but Uriah knew she wouldn’t have approved of
him inviting me to come along.

I used a similar excuse, and saddled Daisy,
saying that my friend and I would be going horseback riding the
next day. I think my mother knew where I was going, but she only
smiled and told me to be careful. She trusted Uriah as much as my
father hated him, and she knew he needed me. By the time I reached
the valley, Uriah had already set up camp.

I climbed down from Daisy and led her to the
campsite. Uriah was staring into the fire and didn’t notice me
until I laid my hand on his shoulder. He looked up with red rimmed
eyes and reached for my hand. I took it without hesitation, and he
pulled me into his lap. I sat cradled in his arms as the sun dipped
behind the bluffs. There were no words at first. He held me, using
me as a shield against his pain.

By the time his grip softened, a bright swath
of stars had filled the clear desert night sky. Far from any city
lights, the white sparks were brilliant. Uriah laid back on the
blanket, and I nestled against him, my head resting on his shoulder
with his arm pulling me close to his side. I had worried about
causing him anymore pain by being so close to him, but he was quick
to tell me that in the face of losing his dad and the agony that
brought him, he didn’t even notice how my closeness affected him. I
was glad I wasn’t hurting him, but not for the reason behind
it.

“Everything is so different now,” he
whispered. “I wasn’t ready for this.”

“Nobody is ever ready, Uriah,” I said.

“He thought I was, but I’m not,” Uriah said.
“That day, we were out with the sheep, checking their coats and
getting ready to start shearing them. He had complained a few times
about his arm being sore and feeling more tired than usual. I felt
the same after all the work we had been doing so I didn’t really
think about it too much.

“When he yelled for me from the barn, his
voice was strained. I ran across the fields to him. I don’t even
know how I heard him so far away, or how I got to him so fast, but
what bothers me most is that I can’t remember what happened. The
last thing I remember before Sophia shook me was pushing the barn
door open. That’s it. I snapped back to reality and I was sitting
on the ground with his head in my lap, crying.

“He had to have said something to me, told me
what to do, or how to help, but I can’t remember any of it,” he
said. His pain and frustration tightened his body a little as each
word slipped out. “I’m sure he would have told me to take care of
the ranch for him, and to take care of my mom, but it bothers me
that I can’t remember for sure. What if he told me to do something
else, and I don’t do it?”