Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (18 page)

“How many
flights have Dad flown?  And how many of those was Mom with him?  Honestly El,
it’s all too coincidental.  I’ve gone over his pre-flight manifest along with
the crash report, and it just doesn’t add up.”

“Can we prove
anything?”

“No, it’s all
circumstantial, but I know in my gut.  She’s evil.”

“Rach, we’ll
figure it out.  You and me, always.”

I pull Rachel to
me, bringing her into an embrace and comfort her while she silently cries. 
Rachel, being my mother figure, forgets that at times it’s okay for her to need
me.  I guess this is one of those times because even though her body is
trembling with the guilt she’s carried for years, Rachel doesn’t make a sound. 

We hold each
other until Rachel’s out of tears.  She pulls away and attempts a smile as she
grabs tissues from her purse to wipe away the remnants of her buried past.

“So, what are
you going to do about that baby?”  And just like that, we’re back to the baby
matter. 

“If you’re
asking if I’m keeping the baby…then the answer is yes.  No matter how messed up
the situation is, I can’t imagine getting rid of something that’s a part of
Alex.”

“Do you need me
set up an appointment?  I could go with you.”  I love my sister.

“I’d like that. 
But please, no telling Bryan either.  He would just end up telling Alex.”

“I won’t.  You
know, this would be the right time to get back with him.  He loves you El,
regardless of his choices in the past…He. Loves. You.”

“Rach, Alex has
enough on his plate between work, Arianna
and
Nana.  Adding our unstable
relationship and a baby to the mix would likely send him straight to the loony
bin.  Just give me time to tell him.  I promise you, I will.  I’m miserable
without him.  But trust me when I say, I am doing this for his own good.”

Monday, November 26, 2012

Do you want to
know how my weekend was?  Well, let me put it this way…you know the feeling
when you jump out of a plane and your life force is being yanked from you? 
Okay, bad analogy; I rarely fly on planes, let alone jump out of one. 
Seriously though, I quite literally felt like this past weekend has sucked the
life out of me, much like how I would imagine jumping out of a plane would feel
right before the adrenaline sets in and makes for an exhilarating ride.  Except
for the exhilarating part didn’t come for me.  I’m beginning to doubt that it
ever will.

But, to save you
from my ever-present drama, I’m going to skip the theatrics and focus on what
is happening today.  Today, I’m at work.  For better or worse, sickness and
health, blah blah, you get the point.  The point being that even though I feel
like shit, I need to be here to get some sort of sanity back in my life. 

Mercifully, my
insistent sister informed me she’ll be going with me to my first OB/GYN
appointment next week.  In fact, she even made the appointment for me.  I know
I tease her a lot, but I don’t know what I would do without her.  In Alex’s
absence, Rachel is absolutely the best replacement.  And because I read on the
internet that stress is bad for the baby, I’ve devised a plan: Operation Avoid
Alex and Oliver is now in full effect.

Foolishly, I
made plans with Oliver for dinner tonight, but I see a cancellation in my near
future.  Operation AAO would be derailed if I continued with those plans. 
Nope.  Not gonna happen.  I will fulfill my own plan, even if it kills me.

Unfortunately,
even well devised plans sometimes have kinks in them.  Mine?  Nausea.

Sitting at my
desk with my head drowning in my hands, my head continues to swirl with my
see-sawing emotions and persistent nausea.  Rachel bought me a gigantic box of
Saltines and more than enough ginger ale to last me an entire month, but I
thought it might be a little too obvious if I brought them into work.  Mints
and gum will have to be enough; another notable tip from the internet.  Let’s hope
it works.  At this point I’m willing to try anything to make the incessant
whirling in my tummy go away.

Hearing a
shuffle of papers to my left, I lift my head to see Alex approaching me with a
frown. 
Hmpf, Operation AAO lasted a whole two hours. 
I guess work
related conversation can’t be avoided.  Caught off guard, I’m even more
confused when he takes a tentative step closer.  Confused because I’ve never
seen Alex so hesitant.  Unsure of how to respond to his questioning gaze, I
decide to stay silent and wait for him to tackle the awkwardness.  Thankfully,
I don’t have to wait long.

After exhaling a
deep breath and standing just a little bit taller, he speaks, “Elyssa, do you
have the enrollment agreements for the new groups you signed last week?”  Like
usual, his silky voice is music to my ears.  No matter what kind of wall I try
to erect, I’m beginning to believe he’ll always be there to knock them down. 
Always one step ahead. 

Considering
Alex’s frown, I really must look as awful as I feel.  He, on the other hand,
looks handsome as usual.  Even in a simple black suit, stark white dress shirt
and black tie, he is my epitome of desire.  My eyes graze over his body.  My
imagination runs down the ripple of his muscles under the thin cotton, eyes
traveling down the contours of his chest, landing and focused on his taut
waist.

“Elyssa?” he
coughs, eyes hooded with concern. 

My eyes shoot
up, meeting his questionable gaze.  “Sorry Mr. James, what did you need?”  I
shake the dirty thoughts from my head.  This hormone crap is messing with me
big time.  Not even two minutes ago all thoughts roaming my mind were of how
nauseous I was and my latest Google search for home remedies.  Now, with Alex
near, my stomach is calm, my body hungry.

With hesitation,
he inches perceptibly closer and stares, asking if I’m okay. 
Am I okay? 
I
shake my head as I rummage through my desk to find the documents.  “I know I
must look like hell, but I’m fine,” I manage after a moment of uncertainty. 

“Not from where
I’m standing.”  I smile sheepishly at him, his dimpled smile returning my
gesture as I continue to search through my files.  “You always look beautiful,”
he continues, with his soft voice.

“I swear I’m
usually more organized than this.  I’ve just been so…”  I search for the right
word, but my brain seems to be absent.

“Not yourself? 
Trust me, I’ve noticed.”  He rolls his tongue along the inside of his cheek as
he looks down. 

“I guess you
could say that,” I mumble. 
Of course he noticed.
  Since we met, I’ve
done a complete one-eighty.  Complete infatuation started my quest, giving into
every whim and taking just as much back.  Now?  Now, I avoid situations like
this like the plague.  Or at least I try to.  Or convince myself to try. 

But, do you know
how hard it is, when all you’ve done is struggle to convince yourself you’re
doing the right thing, taking the right stand, when he continues to slide into
my comfort zone.  No?  Well, let me explain how I’m feeling right now.  My
body, and my invasive hormones which seem to attack at will, takes over and it
robs me of every ounce of self perseverance to handle my shit.  That’s how I
feel. 

Checking my top
drawer for what seems like the tenth time, I finally locate the contracts.  My
mind must be going because I swear I didn’t see them there before.  That or
Autumn is a sorceress and is messing with me.  I’m gonna go with the latter,
but only because I don’t want to admit that I may be losing it.  Even just a
little.

When he reaches
for the folder and his hand grazes mine, a charge of energy I know I couldn’t
have imagined passes through us.  We both stop and stare at our outreached
hands for an immeasurable amount of time.  My stormy mind and shaken nerves are
calmed and I’m left with a small feeling of warmth and happiness.  It might be
all in my head, but his touch really does comfort me. 

A
LEX…

I feel like I’m
on a never ending carnival ride; the one where the ship teeters back and forth
going higher and higher.  And Elyssa Fuck Me Hard Hart is the cause of all my
grief. 

Like the
pathetic mother fucker I’ve become, I made up a bullshit excuse to talk to
her.  I’m surprised she doesn’t see past my façade.  Sure, I needed the
contracts, but I could have easily sent Janice to go fetch them.  She usually
does.  But, this was my first opportunity to see her since Thanksgiving.  Yes,
I said I would give her time, let her get her mind wrapped around the thought
of being tied to a man like me, but fuck me if it doesn’t’ kill me to stay
away.  Not to mention suppressing the urge to growl and claim what’s mine. 
Then again, what else would you expect when you’re in front of the woman you
love?   

Instead, I stand
frozen in place, relishing in the heat radiating from her body.  She’s a force
of nature; my force of nature.  Just as nature changes with each season, her
moods and thoughts seem to switch second by second.  She clearly still has
feelings for me, especially when I catch her looking at my pants as if there’s
a present inside just for her.  Like now.  Ok, maybe that’s just sex. 

But when you
look past the longing stares and focus on the first few seconds she sees me
walk into a room, before she jumps back into that fucked up head of hers, she
goes soft.  With just one look I can see how much she still loves me.  Which is
why I can’t figure out why she’s pulling this crap.  I love her, she loves me,
it’s just that simple.

When my hand
starts to move up her forearm, into the contour of her elbow, right fucking
near her breast, my breathe hitches.  I lean in and breathe her soft floral
scent, worry my lip and take the chance to tell her what’s in my heart.  A
chance I wish I deserved.  “Elyssa, I…”

As if the Gods
haven’t played with me enough in the past couple of months, they decide to add
another hurdle for me to overcome.  Oliver Cockblocker Prescott.  I wish I
could squash this prickly little maggot.  He has a tendency to ruin every good
moment I have in my life.  He’s relentless.  Not to mention the way he looks at
her.  If it wasn’t for my position here at SHI, I would have laid him on his
ass the moment I caught him staring at her tits like they were made of candy. 

Just when we
finally have time to ourselves, he pipes in.  “Hey Ely Bean, we still on for
tonight?  Eight, okay?”  And I see red.

If my eyes could
shoot daggers, every part of Oliver’s body would be on the floor, splattered
with every ounce of bodily fluid.  But, seeing as that’s not possible, I take
the next best approach.  With my eerily calm voice I finally speak.  “Tonight? 
What’s going on tonight, Elyssa?”  It’s not a surprise to her, or to me, when I
step away.  My knuckles ache as I attempt to curtail the seething anger
dripping into my blood.

“Dinner…it’s
just dinner, Alex,” she answers quickly, before Oliver can make the situation
worse.  If there’s one thing about Oliver, it’s that he’ll attempt any angle to
make me suffer.  I get it, I really do.  He hates me because I fucked his
fiancée.  Woe is me.  The way I see it, I did the asshole a favor.  That bitch
was nothing, and I only brought it to his attention.  Besides, his girl was a
stripper and not one of the sweet ones who are working their way through
college.  No, she was a full blown I like men’s hands on me, their cocks in
every available orifice, let me take you in the back for some “private” time,
type of stripper.

“What do you
mean it’s just dinner?  It’s a date!  I’ll see you at eight!”  Oliver leans
over her cubicle wall placing a soft kiss on her cheek before walking away.  He
chuckles, “I just realized that rhymed. Haha.”  Shooting a smug ass, cocky grin
over his shoulder. 
Fuuuuck!  I fucking loathe him. 
I’d have Maggie
write his ass up for inappropriate behavior, but that would just make me look
like a pussy.  Which I’m not.  No, I can handle this myself.

With the sudden
onset of a headache and knowing I can’t salvage the brief connection we shared,
I rub the palm of my hand against my forehead while Elyssa sits in front of me
and blankly stares.  There are no words that can justify what just happened. 
Muttering expletives because that’s just how coherent I am right now, I storm
off and brush past Janice on my escape route.

I round the
corner, but immediately stop.  From this vantage point I can still hear them. 
I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself.  Eager to see what Janice can get
out of her, I stand virtually clueless at our new printer.  Why the fuck
Arianna would order these elaborate pieces of shit is beyond me.  All it needs
to do is print.  What else does it need to do?  Curtsy and shit out poems? 

“God, you look
awful.” 
Bullshit.  She looks beautiful, although a bit tired.

“You’re chock
full of meaningful observations today, aren’t you?” Elyssa fires back.  Odd
considering how sweet she usually is to Janice.

“Sorry, I didn’t
mean…” I can barely hear Janice’s whispers.

I hear someone
moan and a thunk.  I glance around the corner and see Elyssa with her forehead
resting against her desk before hiding again.  “It’s not you, Janice.  I…my
head is so messed up right now, I just don’t know anything anymore.”