Shame (21 page)

Then Pernilla turned round, and it seemed to take an eternity before Monika could see her face.

‘God, this thing about the money is unbelievable. Thank you, Monika, thank you so much.’

The dizziness and nausea were gone, along with her indecision. The deep fright she had felt at the risk of being unmasked had convinced her. It was already too late to turn back.

She had reached the point of no return.

To subjugate herself and take responsibility for Mattias was her only means of escape.

M
aj-Britt demanded that Ellinor report every word that was said during the phone conversation with the doctor, and Ellinor did the best she could. Maj-Britt wanted to know every syllable, every nuance, the least little tone of voice with which she had been delivered up. She could hardly feel the pain any longer, all her attention was circling round the forthcoming doctor’s visit. And she was afraid; her fear had reached heights it had never even approached before. Soon the front door would open and a strange person would enter her stronghold, and she herself had participated in inviting that person in. And that put her at a disadvantage that was almost impossible to bear.

‘I just told her the truth, that you had pain in your lower back.’

‘And how did you explain that it was necessary for her to come here?’

‘I said that you would rather not leave your flat.’

‘What else did you say?’

‘I didn’t say much more than that.’

Maj-Britt had a hunch that Ellinor must have said something else but didn’t want to tell her. She must have described her repulsive body, her unwillingness to co-operate and her disagreeable behaviour. Filth had been said about her, and now she had to let the
person who had heard those words come here and touch her.

Touch her!

She deeply regretted letting herself be talked into this.

Ellinor claimed that she had a free day and that was why she could stay at the flat so long, but Maj-Britt refused to be invaded once again by Ellinor’s goodwill. There must be a reason. Why would she do all this if there wasn’t some underlying reason?

It was a quarter to eleven; only fifteen minutes to go. Fifteen unbearable minutes before the torture would begin.

Maj-Britt paced up and down the flat, ignoring the pain in her knees. It was a greater torment to sit still.

‘How do you know this doctor?’

Ellinor was sitting cross-legged on the sofa.

‘I don’t, my mother does. They met at a course a few weeks ago.’

Ellinor got up, went over to the window and looked at the façade of the building across the courtyard.

‘Do you remember that I mentioned something about a car crash?’

Maj-Britt was just about to reply but never got that far, because the doorbell rang at that very instant. Two short signals that marked the end of her respite.

Ellinor looked at her, then took the few steps necessary to stand right in front of her.

‘It will be fine, Maj-Britt. I’ll stay here the whole time.’

And then she reached out her hand in an attempt to place it on Maj-Britt’s arm. Maj-Britt managed to
defend herself by taking a quick step back. Their eyes met briefly and then Ellinor vanished out to the hall.

Maj-Britt heard the door open. Heard their voices taking turns, but her mind refused to interpret the words, refused to realise that there was no longer any chance of escape. The lump in her throat cut into her flesh and she didn’t want to. Didn’t want to! Didn’t want to be forced to take off her clothes and expose herself to foreign eyes.

Not again.

And then they were suddenly standing in the living-room doorway. Ellinor and the doctor she had called, who in her mercy had taken the trouble to come. Maj-Britt didn’t recognise her at first. But it was the woman she had seen out there in the playground, with the fatherless child. Who with endless patience had tirelessly pushed the girl on the swing. Now she was standing there in Maj-Britt’s living room, smiling and reaching out her hand to her.

‘Hello, Maj-Britt. My name is Monika Lundvall.’

Maj-Britt looked at the hand that was extended towards her. In desperation she tried to swallow the lump in her throat that was cutting into her flesh, but it didn’t work. She could feel the tears welling up and knew that she didn’t want to be here. Not at all.

‘Maj-Britt?’

Someone was saying her name. There was no possibility of escape. She was surrounded in her own home.

‘Maj-Britt. You two can go into the bedroom if you like, and I’ll wait out here.’

It was Ellinor. Maj-Britt saw her walk over to the bedroom door and call Saba to her.

Maj-Britt forced herself to walk towards the bedroom. She felt that the doctor was on her heels and she heard the door closing behind them. Now it was only the two of them in the room. She and the person who quite soon would force herself on her. She no longer remembered why she had voluntarily gone along with this. What could she possibly have wished to achieve?

‘Would you begin by showing me where the pain is?’

Maj-Britt turned her back and did as she was told. The tears were running down her cheeks but she didn’t dare wipe them off out of fear of being exposed. The next moment the hands were on her. Her body stiffened and she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to retreat back into the darkness but in there she was only more conscious of them. The way they groped and squeezed the spot she had pointed out. Imagine that she just stood there and let it happen. She was waiting for the terrible part. To be asked to take off her clothes.

‘Is this where it hurts?’

Maj-Britt nodded quickly.

‘Have you had any other symptoms?’

She couldn’t answer.

‘I’m thinking of fever, weight loss. You haven’t seen any blood in your urine, have you?’

And that was when she first realised what she had got herself into. In her stupidity she had thought that if she went along with the examination, then everything would go back to normal. She would put a stop to Ellinor’s eternal nagging and maybe even get some medicine prescribed, but she hadn’t thought any further than that. She had been so afraid of the
examination itself that she hadn’t even considered what the results might be. Now she realised that the doctor, behind her back, suspected the reason for her pain, and she was suddenly unsure that she wanted to know. Because what could it lead to but more outrages?

She had let herself be duped.

The hands went away.

‘I need to feel your back better. You only need to pull up your dress.’

Maj-Britt couldn’t move. She felt the hands return and fumble along her sides. When her dress was pulled up, the disgust she felt was so strong that she wanted to throw up. The fingers groped over her skin and in between her rolls of fat, pressing and squeezing and finally she could no longer hold back. Her body convulsed. She felt to her relief that the hands went away and her dress fell back and again covered her legs.

‘Ellinor! Ellinor, do you have a bucket?’

She heard the door open and their voices out there in the flat and in the next moment Ellinor was next to her with the green bucket. A dishrag lay like a dried shell in the bottom but Ellinor let it lie there, holding up the bucket in front of Maj-Britt, but nothing came out. She hadn’t eaten anything since the day before, so her stomach was empty. Slowly the terror retreated into its crevices and left the field free for the anger to which she was entitled. She shoved away the bucket and glowered at Ellinor who had tricked her into this, and Ellinor knew it as well as she did. Maj-Britt could see it in her eyes. That Ellinor only now understood what she had subjected her to.

‘Out!’

‘Does it feel better now?’

‘Get out of here!’

And then she was alone with the doctor again. But she was no longer afraid. From now on she intended to decide what they would be allowed to do with her.

‘So. What’s the diagnosis?’

She felt that her voice had regained its strength, and she looked the doctor straight in the eye.

‘It’s too soon to tell. I want to do a few tests as well.’

And Maj-Britt complied. She sat there obediently on the chair while she was stuck in the inside of her arm and watched her blood being collected in various vials. They would not be allowed to do anything to her unless she gave permission. Not a thing. It was still her body, even if there was a disease in it. The doctor did her best to take her blood pressure, and Maj-Britt felt relatively calm again. Now that she had regained control.

‘I’ve seen you out in the playground a few times. With that child who lives across the way.’

She had intended it as a polite thing to say, an ordinary attempt at some sort of conversation. She knew of course that chit-chat wasn’t her forte, but she never would have suspected her words would have such an effect. The change was palpable through the entire room. An invisible shift in power had occurred. Maj-Britt noticed the woman’s movements suddenly stop and then resume at a faster pace, but at first she didn’t understand what had happened. All she knew was that the doctor who had just taken her blood pressure had reacted to her words. All the little unwelcome people who had come and gone in her flat in the past twenty-five years had chiselled out a unique ability in her to sniff out people’s weaknesses. It had been a
matter of pure instinct for self-preservation, her only possibility of retaining something of her dignity in the face of their contempt. To quickly assure herself of their weak points and make use of the knowledge when it was needed. If for no other reason than to get rid of them. Ellinor had been her first failure.

The doctor rolled up the blood-pressure cuff and stuffed it back in her bag.

‘No, it must have been someone else you saw.’

And to her surprise Maj-Britt realised that she had sniffed correctly. The doctor was lying to her. Lying right to her face. And one other thing she knew clearly, and that was the satisfaction of suddenly having regained her equilibrium. The invisible power shift meant that she could now demand respect. She was no longer subject to that woman’s hands and well-educated supposition about a possible illness. Thin, successful and superior, in her great mercy she had agreed to see Maj-Britt despite her minuscule importance. Made the effort to come here since she wasn’t in any shape to leave her flat. An inferior being.

Without a clue to how it had actually happened, she had become aware of a possible tiny advantage. That was always good to have if the person should prove to be too pushy and it became necessary to get rid of her. And people did have a tendency to become that way.

Pushy.

S
he should never have gone there. As soon as she heard the address she should have realised the danger and pulled out of it, but by then she had already promised. And she didn’t want any sort of conflict with Åse. Why not, she had no idea; she only felt an indefinable need to stay on good terms with her. With everyone who might know the true story. No one could accuse her of being someone who failed to come through in an emergency, who refused to take her share of responsibility. At least she had
that
remaining on the plus side, and she wouldn’t let anyone take it away from her.

She could still sense the irrational fear she had felt during the conversation with Åse. With astounding clarity it was hovering just beneath the surface, as if waiting for the right opportunity to reappear at the slightest reminder. The threat that she would have to confront Pernilla, be forced to confess. In a lucid moment she had realised to her dismay that the guilt had only grown greater. Her sacrifices were being annihilated in the shadow of her lies, and becoming mixed in with everything she had done that was already unforgivable. If Pernilla ever found out the truth, her contempt would eliminate every
way out but one, and that was to vanish from the face of the earth.

But Monika owed it to Mattias to stay put.

And she owed Lasse some justification for her life.

Ellinor had given scanty information over the phone. She said only that one of her clients had severe lower back pain and needed medical attention but was refusing to leave her flat. When Monika finally had a chance to see the patient there in the living room, she was astonished that Ellinor hadn’t told her more. Or perhaps given her a little warning. Monika couldn’t remember ever having seen such a morbidly obese woman before, except perhaps in photographs when she was in medical school, and the sight of her immense size at first made her nearly speechless. She was quite certain that she had been able to conceal her surprise, though her somewhat delayed words of greeting may have revealed her reaction. But she thought that her professional demeanour had served her well. Then there was the patient’s behaviour. Monika had treated others who were afraid of being touched, but never anyone so markedly filled with anxiety as this woman. It was like an invisible shell all around her that had to be broken through before she could be reached. And when Monika’s hands touched the huge body, it shook as if with spasms. Since it was scarcely possible to feel anything through all those layers of fat, she had let the woman be and concentrated on taking samples instead.

She felt schizoid stepping into her professional role again. Her insides were divided into two feuding
camps, one of them satisfied at the objectivity of the examination she was performing, while the other noticed with annoyance that minutes which could have been put to better use were ticking away to no advantage. But at least there was still a hint of a longed-for calm. The tricks of the trade that she knew so well. Resting in her own competence. For a short while she could be in total control and know exactly what had to be done. For the first time in weeks she could leave behind her subordinate position and be treated with respect.

It was just at that moment that the woman opened her mouth and confirmed all the misgivings she had felt ever since Ellinor had given her the address. That someone might have seen her. Before the woman even finished her sentence Monika was wrenched back to her self-imposed inferno, and no tricks in the world could protect her from the threat she faced. Faster than she thought possible she beat a retreat and not until it was too late did she realise her mistake.

She had lied.

Fabricated yet another thread in the net of lies that was getting harder and harder for her to control. At the slightest carelessness one of the knots might unravel and bring down the rest with it, and now she had lied without having any idea of the woman’s relationship to Pernilla or what that might lead to.

In desperation she let the seconds tick away and tried to act normally while she frantically looked for a solution that could repair her mistake. She quickly considered every imaginable reason why she could have been out there in the courtyard with Pernilla’s daughter. Weighed the probabilities against each other,
and the seconds hurried by without anything being said. When she had packed all her equipment away and closed up her bag, and all that was left to do was hand over the plastic container for the urine sample, she still hadn’t found any way out, but she had to say something.

‘Oh yes, now I remember. A while ago I was over here with a friend and her daughter. She was supposed to drop off something for a colleague who lived here, and I kept the daughter company out in the playground, by the swings. That must have been where you saw me. But the girl doesn’t live in that building.’

And perhaps she only imagined it, but a tiny smile seemed to play around the corners of the mouth of this woman whose name was Maj-Britt as she silently accepted Monika’s explanation with a nod.

Monika said goodbye to Ellinor out in the hall. She quickly scribbled a prescription for a painkiller and gave her some additional instructions. Maj-Britt came out of the bathroom with the urine sample, and Ellinor stared in horror at the red liquid in the plastic container. Monika avoided Ellinor’s troubled gaze. The blood in the urine and the nature and location of the pain certainly reinforced Monika’s suspicions, but they would have to wait until she tested the samples. It wasn’t worth scaring anyone before she was 100 per cent sure. She opened her bag and put the urine sample inside.

‘I’ll let you know as soon as I have the results of the test.’

The woman had disappeared into the living room, but Ellinor took a step forward and extended her hand.

‘Thank you for taking the time to come.’

On her way back to the car she felt grateful to get out of that flat. She still wasn’t sure that her explanation had been satisfactory or had removed all risk. The information she lacked was how well Maj-Britt and Pernilla knew each other, but Ellinor had told her that Maj-Britt never left her flat. On the other hand, Ellinor had gone with Åse when she drove over to see Pernilla. What if Ellinor had told Maj-Britt how they came in contact with each other?

She cast a quick glance up towards Pernilla’s empty kitchen window and hurried to her car. She couldn’t be seen here right now. Couldn’t risk that Pernilla would open her window and shout to her.

She had just set her bag in the back seat, and in only a couple more minutes she would have made it. But fate would have it otherwise, of course. Just as she was about to climb into the driver’s seat they appeared on the path from the park, and spotted her.

‘Hi, what a surprise to see you here.’

Monika glanced over at Maj-Britt’s balcony. The sun was reflecting off her windows and she couldn’t rule out that someone might be standing inside. Watching.

Pernilla had reached her now and set the brake on the pram.

‘We’ve just been out for a little walk.’

Monika nodded and sat down in the driver’s seat.

‘I’m in a bit of a rush. I was just making a house call and have to get back to the clinic.’

‘Oh really, who’s the patient?’

Suddenly Monika realised that now she could get her answer, and it was better to have her worry confirmed than to continue floating in uncertainty.

‘Her name is Maj-Britt. Do you know her?’

Pernilla looked thoughtful and slowly shook her head.

‘Does she live in our building?’

‘No, across the courtyard.’

‘I don’t know anyone there.’

Monika’s body relaxed. It had all been her imagination. Her nervousness was making her hypersensitive; she had let the woman’s comment take on more importance than necessary.

She put the key in the ignition.

‘By the way, I talked to the people at the programme today. They will be depositing the money in your account sometime today. I gave them the account number you use to pay your bills.’

Pernilla smiled.

‘I hope you know how grateful I am for this.’

Monika nodded.

‘I’ve got to run, sorry. I’m already late.’

‘Would you like to come over for dinner tonight? My way of thanking you for all your help.’

To her surprise Monika realised that she was hesitating. How she had waited for this moment. For Pernilla of her own free will to grant her an audience without her having to beg for it. But she was so tired. So exhausted by continually being on her guard and maintaining appearances. She was thinking of taking her sleeping pills early and escaping the evening and the night. But she couldn’t say no. She didn’t have the right.

‘Of course. What time do you want me to come?’

‘What time is good for you?’

She was supposed to finish working at five. She
mustn’t forget that Pernilla thought she had gone back to work. There was so much to keep straight.

‘I get off at five.’

‘Shall we say six, then?’

After a last look at Maj-Britt’s window she drove back in towards the city. She was already late. Her mother had been waiting a quarter of an hour for her, and Monika knew that she would be sitting with her coat on in the hall, growing more and more impatient with each minute that passed. But first she had to drop by the bank. And the head of the clinic had rung four times and left messages that she hadn’t answered. Some of her colleagues had also left messages repeatedly, but she still hadn’t called them back.

Somewhere deep inside her something was trying to speak, something that was trying to make her realise that the situation she had created was growing more and more untenable with each hour that passed. But since there was no turning back and there was not a single way she could alter the state of things, it was much easier not to listen. Much easier.

The most important thing at the moment was that the threat she had just experienced had been eliminated, and for the time being she could feel fairly safe. She simply had to take ten minutes at a time. That was all she could ask.

All she had the right to ask.