Shame (20 page)

She left all her purchases in the hall, went into her study and called before she even took off her coat. It rang several times but nobody answered. Maybe they were still out in the playground; if so, they had certainly been there a long time. She saw by the clock that it had been over an hour since she had seen them there, and it made her uneasy that they weren’t back yet. She hung up and went to take off her coat. The
uneasiness refused to let her go. She kept calling every five minutes for the next hour, and when Pernilla finally answered she was practically beside herself with worry.

‘Yes, hi, it’s Monika, where have you two been?’

Pernilla didn’t answer at once, and Monika realised that her question had been overhasty. At least phrasing it in that tone of voice. And she could hear that Pernilla thought so too.

‘Out. Why do you ask?’

Monika swallowed.

‘Oh, I was just wondering, I didn’t mean anything by it.’

Did she dare ask? Now that things had got off on the wrong foot? She wasn’t sure that she would be able to handle a rejection. But she had to meet with her. She had all her papers, she had to have a chance to give them back, and of course she had some good news!

‘I thought I’d ask if you’d like to come here and have dinner tonight.’

Pernilla didn’t reply, and Monika could feel the adrenaline forcing her heart to speed up. At the same time she could feel how unfair it was, when she had such good intentions. Pernilla should really be meeting her halfway.

‘I thought we could eat a bit early so that Daniella could come along too. Maybe at four or five or so, if that would work.’

Pernilla still didn’t reply, and Monika was feeling more and more stressed. She hadn’t intended to bring it up in advance but Pernilla’s hesitation forced her to say something. In any case she had to give her a little hint.

‘I have some good news for you.’

This constant desire for control. It was going to drive her crazy. Always demeaning herself, playing the underdog. Being forced to ask everything twice.

‘What would that be?’

No. She didn’t intend to say any more. She had the right to be there in person when she gave her the news. To be there and share in the joy for once. She deserved it, as a matter of fact.

‘Did you ring that programme?’

‘I’ll tell you when you come. I can pick you up if you like.’

Pernilla had given in. Agreed to come over. But she hadn’t sounded particularly happy. Monika still felt the irritation that had been triggered at the bank. Even Pernilla was exasperating her. No one did what she wanted and nothing was ever the way she had imagined. Nothing Monika did was ever good enough.

She picked them up at four and not much was said during the drive. It was obvious that Pernilla didn’t want to talk about yesterday’s dinner, and Monika wasn’t very interested in doing so either. Pernilla sat in the back seat with Daniella on her lap. Since they didn’t have a car, they had no child’s seat, and it occurred to Monika that she should buy one. For the future. Considering all the things they would be doing together.

For the moment she felt quite secure, and she had almost managed to put herself in an anticipatory mood when Pernilla suddenly asked, ‘Would you mind stopping right up ahead? I just have to run in and do a quick errand.’

Monika pulled into a space between two cars and
turned off the engine. Pernilla climbed out with Daniella in her arms, and Monika opened her door and stretched out her arms to take her. Then Pernilla went down a lane and Monika and Daniella stayed in the car and sang ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider’. Over and over again. Monika looked more and more nervously at the clock and started to wonder how the root vegetable casserole at home in the oven was faring. When Itsy Bitsy had climbed up the tree seven more times, the passenger door was suddenly opened. Pernilla put a large white box on the floor in front of the passenger seat and stretched out her arms for Daniella. And then they drove off again. Monika stole a glance at the carton. As big as a six-pack of beer it stood there on the floor and kept drawing her eyes over and over again. White and anonymous, without a word on it as a clue. Today she had acted far too curious once already, and she knew it was risky, but finally she couldn’t contain herself any longer.

‘What’s in the box?’

She could see Pernilla in the rear-view mirror. She sat looking out the side window and didn’t change her expression when she replied.

‘It’s just Mattias.’

A shock went through the car. First it hit Monika but her hands transmitted it to the car, which swerved violently. Pernilla instinctively threw out her arm and grabbed the handle above the back door, and with the other she took a tighter grip on Daniella.

‘Sorry, a cat ran in front of the car.’

Monika tried to control her breathing. The white box stood like a reproach on the floor, and even though she tried to keep her eyes on the road, the
box managed time after time to tear them away. And each time it looked bigger. As if it were growing each time she looked away.

This is how much is left of me. Hope you have a
nice dinner
.

Only a few hundred metres to go. She had to get out of the car.

It was all your fault. It doesn’t matter what you
do now
.

It was impossible to breathe. She had to get out.

Monika was standing utterly still next to the door on the driver’s side. She had discovered that the air was hard to breathe even outside the car. The air was hard to breathe wherever she was, each time she tried to take a breath.

‘Is this where you live? How elegant.’

Pernilla had climbed out on the other side with Daniella in her arms. She had fallen asleep on the way and her head was resting against Pernilla’s shoulder.

‘You take the urn. I don’t want to leave it in the car.’

It had sounded more like an order than a question, and either way it left Monika with no choice. She looked at the white box through the window.

Come on. I can’t walk myself, as you well know
.

‘Which door is it? Daniella’s getting a little heavy for my back.’

Monika slowly went round the car and opened the passenger door.

‘It’s number four over there.’

Pernilla started walking.

Monika’s hands shook as she reached for the box.
She lifted it carefully and locked the car with a button on her key. She followed Pernilla with the box held out in front of her, as far from her as she could without looking too strange. But when she had to go through the door and also hold it open for Pernilla, she was forced to hold it with one arm, tight to her body, almost in an embrace. The little resistance that was left inside her was sucked towards the box as if into a black hole. She felt a pressure across her chest. She could hardly breathe. She shouldn’t have invited them over; she had to do something to get out of this, anything at all.

‘What a lovely flat.’

Monika was standing inside the front door and didn’t know where to put him. The hall floor didn’t seem suitable, but she had to put him down somewhere so she could breathe again. She hurried into the living room and looked around. First she went over to the bookshelf but changed her mind and continued to the table instead. Her hands released their grip and she sat him next to the pile of history books and the new ceramic fruit bowl.

She saw that Pernilla had followed her and was laying Daniella on the sofa. She grimaced when she straightened up and tried to stretch out her back.

‘What a great place.’

Monika tried to smile and went back out to the hall. Exhausted, she took off her jacket and then went out to the kitchen, leaning her hands on the kitchen worktop. She closed her eyes and tried to get control of the nausea she felt. Everything was spinning inside, and she felt dangerously close to the boundary that
she had so successfully managed to avoid. The one that prevented her from breaking into bits completely. With an effort of will she managed to take out the casserole and turn off the oven.

She saw through the doorway into her study that Pernilla was examining the old map she had bought that afternoon, which had now replaced what usually hung on the same nail. She went over to the refrigerator and took out the big plastic water bottle and the salad she had prepared. Then she sank onto one of the chairs at the table.

She couldn’t utter a word. Not even announce that dinner was ready. But Pernilla appeared of her own accord after looking round the flat and went to sit at the other side of the table. She felt Pernilla looking at her, felt the terror of not being good enough in her eyes.

‘How are you feeling?’

She nodded and tried to smile again. But Pernilla didn’t give up.

‘You look a little pale.’

‘I didn’t sleep well last night. Actually I’m feeling a little sick.’

The white box was like a magnet in the living room. With each breath she was aware of its presence.

I want to eat dinner too! Can you hear me out there? I want to be included!

‘What was it you wanted to tell me?’

Pernilla had begun to serve herself from the casserole. Monika tried to remember the answer to her question. Her head was spinning. She gripped the chair cushion she was sitting on in an attempt to make it stop.

‘Did you call the programme?’

Pernilla poured water into Monika’s glass.

‘Have some water. You’re really pale. You’re not going to faint, are you?’

Monika shook her head.

‘There’s no danger of that, I just felt a bit tired all of a sudden.’

She was so close to the boundary now. So dangerously close. She had to see to it that Pernilla got out of here. She couldn’t show herself as weak. How could she be of any help, if Pernilla was the one who had to take care of her? Pernilla would reject her, no longer have any use for her.

She swallowed.

‘They said they wanted to help you, so I tried to pressure them and asked them to give us some money since it was so urgent. I drove over there with all your papers so they could see for themselves, told them about your accident and all the trouble with the insurance that didn’t cover it.’

She took a sip of water. She had thought that this would be a solemn moment. A great stride forward in their friendship. Now she just wanted to get it over with so that she could take a couple of sleeping pills and escape.

‘So are they going to come up with any money?’

Monika nodded and took another swallow of water. Just a little one, the risk was great that it would come right back up.

‘You’re going to get nine hundred and fifty-three thousand.’

Pernilla dropped her fork.

‘Kronor?’

Monika did her best to smile but was unsure of the result.

‘Is that true?’

She nodded again.

The reaction she had so longed for bloomed on Pernilla’s face. For the first time she saw genuine joy and gratitude. Words came tumbling out of her mouth as fast as the impact of the news sank in.

Monika felt nothing.

‘But that’s utterly fantastic. Are you sure they were serious? That means we can stay in the flat and I can pay off the loan. Are you really sure they meant it, seriously? Well, I don’t know how I can ever thank you for this.’

Do you know, Monika? Do you know how she could thank you for this? Considering everything you’ve done for her?

Monika got up.

‘Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.’

She braced herself against chair backs and door frames on her way to the bathroom, and with the door locked she just stood there. Leaning against the sink she looked at her own face until the reflection dissolved and turned into that of a monster. She was so close now. So dangerously close. The darkness lay just below the surface, vibrating. Pressing against the thin membrane and finding small holes. She had to confess. She had to go out to Pernilla and confess her guilt. That it was all her fault. If she didn’t do it now she would never be able to do it. Then her lies would have to go on forever. And she would always have to live with the terror of being unmasked.

At that moment the telephone rang. Monika stood
there and let it ring. But then there was a tentative knock on the bathroom door.

‘Monika. There’s a call for you. She didn’t say her name.’

Monika took a deep breath and opened the door to take the cordless phone that Pernilla handed to her. She wasn’t sure her voice would hold.

‘Yes, this is Monika.’

‘Hi, it’s Åse. I don’t want to bother you if you have company, but I just have a brief question.’

In a flash the membrane was intact again and what had leaked out was in safe custody on the other side. Her first impulse was to pull the door shut behind her, but the need to see Pernilla’s face took precedence. To see whether she reacted, recognised the voice of the woman who with her deep guilt had visited her flat. Pernilla had sat down at the table again, and all Monika could see was her back.

‘That’s all right, it’s a good friend who came over for dinner.’

At any rate she had resumed eating. Monika desperately tried to tell herself that was a good sign.

‘Well, the fact is, my daughter Ellinor is working as a home help and she needs your help. As a doctor. I know she wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important. I just wonder if it’s okay if I give her your number so she can ring you. She needs to get in touch with a doctor who might consider making a house call to one of her clients.’

All Monika wanted was to end the conversation, find out what Pernilla had understood or not understood, and return to her seat at the dinner table so that she could see her face. To put to rest the uncertainty, she was willing to go along with anything.

‘Of course, no problem. Please ask her to call a bit later this evening so we can arrange a time.’

And that was the end of the conversation. Monika remained standing, totally still. She looked at Pernilla’s mute back there at the kitchen table, every detail suddenly rendered with such sharpness that it made her eyes burn. She felt the dread of taking the few steps that would give her the opportunity to interpret Pernilla’s expression, show her whether she had been unmasked or not, whether the time had come when she would be forced to confess. Her legs wouldn’t obey her. As long as she stood where she was, she was allowed to put things off.