Shadow's End (Light & Shadow) (21 page)

“That may be,” I said, watching as the skin paled and flushed, twisted in a rictus of pain. “But you were never my master.” I waited through it all, watching until the last breath faded. Then I stepped over the body of
the Duke, Temar’s other self, the man who had truly made me a Shadow, and I left without a backward glance.

Chapter 22

Temar was waiting for me in the chapel. He was sitting cross-legged, sacrilegiously, on the altar itself, and staring at the status of the Gods. At the sound of my approach, he turned his head and his eyes were blank, uncomprehending. He looked at me as if he was not quite sure who I was. As I came to stand at his side, I saw that he cradled a dagger in his hands, unsheathed. I frowned and put my hand on his arm, peering into his eyes, and although he was staring at me, it was a moment before his eyes cleared and focused.

“I know,” he said, before I could speak. “I realized—too late.” He looked down at the dagger in his hands, turning it over and over. “This wasn’t how it should have ended.”

“I had to do it,” I said softly. “Whatever bargain you had made, it had gone wrong. It was doing nobody any good.” I remembered the look in the Duke’s eyes, the way he had slid so quietly from ruthlessness to madness that we had not even recognized it until now, in the face of this treasonous plan. Whatever oath Temar had sworn, I thought it was to a different man than the Duke had been at the end.

“I would have got her on the throne” he said, not looking at me.  “I could have.”

“At what cost?” I pressed him. I shook him, slightly. “And you could never be sure. It’s a terrible game to play. You’d never really win it, no one does. No one stays up forever.” He smiled, genuine humor.

“I didn’t plan to.”

“What did you plan?” I asked, feeling my way in this strange conversation, and he looked down at the dagger in his hands. I stared at it, furrowing my brow, and then looked up at his face. It was composed, and he was calm; too calm. “Temar, no.”

“I must do this,” he said simply. He did not tell me that I was mistaken. He was looking towards death, and he did not even seem afraid; that, of all things, was the worst.

“Because you did not protect him? You did not fail,” I protested, horrified. “I hid my purpose from you. You could not have known.”

“I know you,” he observed, looking over at me. “I should have seen at once that you would never offer to kill a child.” In my shock at Temar’s intentions, I ha
d forgotten, momentarily, what it was that I had just done; this reminded me, and I closed my eyes against the blank horror of it. I remembered the words I had murmured to myself in the darkness after the first two times I had killed, appeals to my own mind: they came to kill you—you did no more than any beast, confronted with a predator—you saved Miriel’s life—you are no monster. I would have no such comfort now.

The flash of the knife jolted me out of my haze and I reacted on instinct, dashing it away and throwing my weight sideways. The knife clattered to the floor and slid away into the shadows, and I pinned Temar with surprising ease. In the stillness and quiet of a mind prepared for death, he had not thought to put up his guard against me—he had hoped that I would be lost in my own thoughts, as he was lost in his.

“What are you doing?” I asked, shaking him. “Temar, there’s no reason for this. You don’t need to do this.”

“I must.” He struggled against me, and I scrabbled to keep him pinned. “You must let me,” he insisted. He was gasping now, my forearm pressing against his throat. “It is the second half of the bargain. I took an oath.”

“What oath?”

“I…can’t tell you.” He shook his head. “Catwin, please. This is the only thing I have wanted, for years. I have dreamed of this day.”

“You’ve dreamed of
this
?” I demanded fiercely. My face felt hot—I had loved him, and spoken with him, he had joked with me and spent his days alongside me and I had never known that what he wanted most was to be free of all of it, and take his own life. He had known, as he kissed me, that he wanted death more than anything, but he had hidden that from me, and it felt like betrayal. He saw my anger, and his mouth twitched in a half-smile.

“Now I can be at peace.” He was trying to explain, but I still could not understand.

“But you haven’t gotten Miriel on the throne,” I said stupidly, and he took advantage of my confusion. He struggled free and I tumbled, hard, from the altar to the floorboards, snatching for his ankle as he went for the knife once more. My fingers grazed his skin, but I could get no hold. “
Wait!
” At the appeal in my voice he stopped and turned, the knife in his hand. I could see him trembling, looking from me to the knife.

“Just tell me why,” I pleaded, thinking that this was a nightmare, it could not be real. “Don’t do this without at least…” I pushed myself up to sit, and dropped my head into my han
ds. “I did this to set you free, not kill you.”

“But you did free me,” he said. To my surprise, he came to kneel in front of me; he set the knife aside and reached out to take my hands. “Please, Catwin.” He waited for me to look up at him, and squeezed his fingers, warm, around my own. “You did. You have done me the greatest kindness anyone could have. I never hoped for this.”

“But I don’t understand.” My voice was high and thin, I felt like a child in the face of this darkness. He bit his lip, and then he looked up at the ceiling, considering his words carefully.

“Do you want me to tell you?”

“Of course I do.” He smiled wryly at my prompt answer.

“Not all knowledge is worth knowing,” he said. “And I cannot speak all of it—not even to you, Catwin. But some of it, I can tell. There were two oaths—two bargains,” he said finally. “The first was with Eral—if he would swear not to harm my people, I would protect his life, and give him what he most wanted in the world.”

“The power of the throne,” I quoted softly,” remembering the Duke’s words, and Temar nodded, lost in  memory.

“Just so.
I tricked him, you see. I made him take the oath in our tongue, and name what he wanted. He never knew: the power of the throne—to our people, it means the lineage. I promised him that his blood would sit on the throne one day.”

“Miriel,” I said, softly, and he nodded.
It was shifting, all of it, falling into place—his sly words to the Duke as they traveled through the hidden corridors, his insistence the Marie must die. The Duke had said
the power of the throne
, knowing that titles meant little; he would have been content to have Miriel as nothing more than the King’s mistress. But Temar had changed that, for a time he and I had worked to the same ends: to get Miriel not into the King’s bed, but onto the throne itself.

Temar’s words called me back to reality.

“The second bargain I made was with the Gods—that if I protected their children, one day I would be absolved of all the sins I had committed in Eral’s service. And at the end, I would take my life, and wipe away the evil I had done.” He said the words as if they explained everything, and I saw the logic of it, terrible but undeniable. Still I shook my head at him.

“What kind of Gods would let you make that bargain? You’d use up your whole life.”

“And why not? Haven’t you ever wanted your life to mean something?” Temar was looking at me strangely. I only stared at him. “I’ve never had to ask myself if I had a purpose,” he said, “because every day, in every action and thought, I was working for the safety of my people.” His face twisted. “What I said earlier, that I was sorry for what I had done—it was no empty apology, Catwin. Some days, it seems the worst thing I did, to pick you. I did not want to face you when you came back, I couldn’t bear to look at you. I had known for years that I was sane only because I knew that there was a deeper purpose to my actions—and I had taken you, a child, with no one to protect, no greater oath, and made you into a Shadow. I had watched you grow to hate your life, and when you left…I hoped that you would never come back. I hoped that you would leave Miriel, and I would never be forced to find you. I told the Duke that I was looking, and I never did. I never sent a single messenger.” At last, a reason as to why I had never seen his spies in Norvelt. I pushed the thought aside and shook my head.

“But there is a purpose to my life now,” I said. “I found it through her.”

“And you can bear it, the things you have done?” He looked so hopeful that my heart ached. He could hardly believe that I would forgive him.

“I can,” I said finally, and I added,
“but I never thought I had a choice but to keep living.” He looked down and clenched his hands, hardly seeming to notice that he was crushing his fingers around mine. He had heard the reproach in my tone.

“I know you cannot understand,” he said softly. “But you trusted me enough to wonder if I was not only a Shadow. Can you not trust me enough to believe that I know what I must do?”

“You’re giving up everything,” I protested. “I don’t see how I could ever believe that was right.” He did not answer, and I shook my hands to get his attention. “You’d just end it all, then? Really? Because the Duke’s dead, your life is over, as well?”

“I am already dead,” he said. “Think of it that way. My life has not been my own for many years, and now that I am freed of Eral…”

“No.” I shook my head violently. “I did this because…” Because the Duke had run mad in his quest for power, and we were all safer without him. Because he was dragging us all down into his mad world, and Temar could never have escaped.

“To set me free.” He echoed my words. “And you have, by doing what I could not. You have saved hundreds, thousands, of lives. My last thought will be that my people are safe.”

“Don’t you see?” I cried, finally shouting, angrier than I had ever been. “You gave years to this bargain, to the Duke, and now you would let it take the rest of your life as well? You could finally live as your own self, not following his orders, not following anyone’s orders, just…and you’re throwing it away.” He pulled his hands away.

“I’m not throwing it away! It is over already. I am finished.”

“But you’re
not
!” The words felt ripped out of me. I could feel tears hot on my cheeks, and I wiped them away angrily with the back of my hand. “You’re still here, you’re still breathing. You’re
alive
, Temar—whether you want to be or not. You have your whole life to atone. If you die…” He only watched me, his face twisted; he would not bend. I let him see the quiver of my mouth, the tears in my eyes, and when he clenched his jaw, I knew that his mind was made up. “Fine,” I said harshly. “I’ll join you soon enough, anyway.”

“What?” Now he did move, quickly, taking my hand in both of his. “What do you mean by that?” I stared at him, warring with myself, and his hands pressed, warm, on my own. I had not thought to tell him this—I had not even understood it to myself. Until I spoke, I had not realized that my mind had found a solution to the inevitability of battle.

“I know how to end the war,” I said finally. “None of them want to be here, but they’re following one man. I can get to Kasimir, I’m sure of it. If he’s dead, the spell will break—they’ll agree to a truce, or they’ll run.” Temar was pale, he was shaking his head.

“Even if you get to him, you could never get back alive.”

“I know that.” Now it was me who pulled away, yanking my hands back, not wanting his touch.

“Catwin, please, don’t do this—“ He was afraid, I knew it, and once I would have been glad to know that he cared if I went into danger. Now, I felt a rush of anger.

“Do you know a better way?” I demanded. “Can you think of any other way?” His silence told me everything.

“You’re young,” he told me. “You have your whole life in front of you.”

“So do you!” He did not answer. “Temar, I can’t stop you. I won’t. If that is what you want.” I could barely make out the words past the ache in my throat. “Give me the same courtesy. You know I’m the only one who can do this.” There was a long pause as he looked over at the knife, gleaming in the dim light. Finally, he let out a sigh, and his shoulders slumped. He looked back to meet my eyes..

“But you’re not,” he said, unexpectedly. There was a hint of a smile. “There are two of us.” I looked over at him, and he reached out for my hand
. I let him take it, twining my fingers with his, uncomprehending. “Are you determined to do this?” he asked me softly.

“Yes,” I said promptly, and he peered into my eyes for a moment.

“Then I won’t argue. I know how stubborn you can be.” The edges of his mouth quirked. “But let me come with you.” It was a peace offering, one that I could not reject. He was giving me what no one else could. Finally, I nodded. “I will get supplies,” he said. “You’ll have to come down to the camp.”

“We were planning to already,” I admitted, and when he frowned at me, reflexive
ly, I raised an eyebrow. “I can’t tell you why. But I’ll be there.”

“Have you told Roine?” he asked. “Miriel?” I shook my head, and he put his hand on my arm. “Tell them,” he advised. “You owe it to them. And Catwin…”

“Yes?”

“If you wanted me to go alone—if you wanted to stay, to be safe…that’s what I would want most.”
I was almost relieved to hear the words. I had steeled myself to this task, but never had I expected him to accept it. As much as I had waited for it, his protest hurt; I shrugged my shoulders, hunching them against the feeling.

“
I’m coming with you. I would have gone alone.” He sighed.

“I know. But I had to offer. And I’ll offer again.”