Shadows and Lies (18 page)

“Well, this certainly explains the weird questions you’ve been asking me today,” I snapped. “Do you really expect me to just…walk away from everything I’ve ever known and go into – into exile with you?”

“I’m not a bad man, Carrie,” Sean told me earnestly. “I’ve changed, and I want the things any normal man wants: a wife, kids. I want a life. I want companionship.”

“Is there ever going to be a time when you won’t have to look over your shoulder? Are you ever going to be able to go back to living under your real name?”

Sean shook his head. “Probably not.”

“Then how can you even think of bringing a child into your situation?” I asked him. “Do you expect me to live in fear for the rest of my life, knowing that at any day or time, some creep could leap out from around the corner and kill you or me or our kids?”

Sean’s shoulders slumped. “I want a family, Carrie.”

“I don’t know if I can give that to you, Sean,” I said. “You’re asking a lot.”

Sean stood up. “I guess I’ll just say goodnight then.” He couldn’t look me in the eye.

“Sean!” I called as he was about to leave, his hand on my door knob. He looked back at me, hope flickering in his eyes. It killed me to see that hope. “I won’t tell,” I told him. “And I do love you,” I had to admit. “Just let me think about it.”

He nodded, accepting what I could give him, though it was not much, and then left.

So much for going to sleep. I lay on my back in my bed, my eyes refusing to shut. I kept going over everything Sean had said to me, everything he’d ever told me about himself. I was upset with him, but I couldn’t understand why. He had never lied to me, I knew that. He doled out information about himself slowly, carefully. He had not wanted me to run away from him in fear, I knew. He had wanted me to get used to him and to his past.

He wanted me.

The question was did I want him? Did I want him badly enough that I’d be willing to give up my family, my friends, and even Judy, because that’s what it would mean to get serious with him, and he wanted something serious. He wanted a family.

So did I.

But I was only 21. I had plenty of time to find someone normal to settle down with. I believed the saying that there’s only one person in the world meant for you is a myth. But did I want to take that chance? Sean was a gentleman. He was kind and looked out for me. He set me on fire when he kissed me, but in all the nights that I had stayed at his place, he had never once pushed me to sleep with him. And I knew that he did want to sleep with me.

He was a good man. How many good men were left in this world? How many rotten ones would I have to sift through before I found another guy like him? Was there any man like Sean? He had courage, and he had changed his life over into something better. How many men – how many people – had the courage to do that? And how many of them would give me a second look?

I trusted Sean too. I trusted him enough to cry in front of him. I trusted him enough to let him comfort me, to put his arms around me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted something stable, I wanted something permanent.

Sean was stable, I knew. But his life was not.

Would being with him, would marrying him, mean that I would have to enter the Witness Protection Program too? Without a doubt. I wouldn’t be called Carrie anymore. I wouldn’t be able to contact my sisters, or Judy or Genny. I would be erased.

My hands grew clammy at that thought.

It came down to Sean vs. my life. That’s what he’d been asking me earlier in the day. Could I give up everything for him? Could I sacrifice everything and go into hiding with him?

At about 2 am, I pounded on Sean’s door with my fist. It took him a long time to answer; he was likely asleep, as I should have been. But I couldn’t sleep. I had to let him know my decision. Waiting several more hours to tell him was simply unbearable. Sean flung his door open, obviously thinking there was some sort of emergency. He was wearing only a white undershirt and blue boxer shorts.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.

I shook my head. “Nothing is wrong.”

He frowned at me and rubbed a hand over his face. “Do you know what time it is?”

I nodded. “Two in the morning.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you told me,” I said in a rush. “And I’ve come to a decision about us.”

Still not looking quite awake, or happy for that matter, Sean braced his hands on the frame of his door. “Oh yeah? What have you decided?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but my courage failed me at that moment. I couldn’t say the words that I needed to say.

So I reached up, pulled Sean’s head down to mine, and kissed him on the mouth.

To say that Sean was surprised would be an understatement. It took him a second to recognize what I was telling him, but when he did he began to return my kiss, wrapping his arms around me. Pulling me close, his mouth moved over mine and my arms snaked around his neck. I don’t know how it happened, but soon I was inside his apartment and he had closed his door. He backed me up against the wall, cradling my head in his hands. I felt so good, so happy, that when he pulled his mouth from mine I wanted to cry.

“I need you say the words, Carrie,” Sean whispered. He kissed me gently on my mouth, my cheeks, my neck. “Please, say the words.”

“I – I want to be with you,” I said, my voice cracking. “I could give up everything for you. I don’t know about kids – that’s something we’ll have to discuss, but as for me…I can give you me.”

Sean sighed, resting his forehead against mine. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

The relief in his voice, the way his hands caressed my skin, made my eyes tear up and I knew that I had made the right choice.

“I know that it might not always be easy,” I said quietly. “Living the life you do. But all you need is love, right?”

Sean smiled and kissed me. “That’s what they say.”

Dear Dad,

This will be a short one. Barbara cheated on you yes, but have you ever stopped to wonder what role you might have had in her cheating? After observing you for so many years, I think that there might be good reason for you to perhaps ask yourself this question.

Because you drive the people around you crazy.

With Much Confusion

Your Daughter

Sean had to leave for work at 7:30 am. He was tired because he had not gotten much sleep, but he was also happy because I was his. His smile also might have had something to do with the fact that I had stayed the night in his home, but not on his couch.

Anyhow, I beat a hasty retreat back to my apartment when he left. I had a busy day ahead of me. I had to call in sick at work so that I could help my sisters get the rest of their things cleared out of our parent’s house and into a storage shed, a task which would likely take most of the day. Clarissa recruited Michael, one of her two sons – her other son Pete having moved to Texas a few months before – to help us girls move. He helpfully brought with him his truck and his man muscles, and so with the four of us working, we got all of my sisters’ stuff loaded and out in no less than four trips. Thank the lord that the majority of their stuff was already in boxes out back or we wouldn’t have gotten them out in four months let alone four trips.

Neither Nancy nor my dad was around the entire time we were packing up. I poked around in their bedroom, curious to see if Nancy had left my dad like I suggested. Their closets and dressers were full though and nothing had been taken from their bathroom. They were both apparently still in the state, though it was anyone’s guess as to where they could be.

Michael poked his head into the master bedroom. “Mom came by here last night, Carrie. Nancy was gone, but your dad was here.”

I thanked him for the heads up. “Did Clarissa chew him out like she said she would?”

Michael shook his head. “She told me that he just looked so pathetic that she didn’t have the heart. You’re going to hate this, but she fixed him dinner instead and then left.”

I shook my head in disgust. “You’re right. She shouldn’t have done that.”

Even though it was not hot out, moving all my sister’s things was hard work. When we were done and back at Clarissa’s house for a late lunch, I think I was the only one still smiling and full of energy. Vanessa repeatedly asked me what I was so happy about, but I didn’t tell her. I didn’t think it was an appropriate moment to tell everyone that I was in serious relationship with a good man who had made love with just last night.

My conscience panged me at that moment. What would they say when they found out? Nancy wouldn’t be surprised, that was for sure. She already thought I was a whore.

My smile faded.

I guess right there was the answer to why I would accept Sean and the kind of life he offered me. My relationship with Sean was healthy. It was not based on guilt, jealousy, lies or dissatisfaction, and he certainly did not abuse me.

On my way back to home, I called Sean’s cellphone just because I wanted to hear his voice. That morning he had left me with a warm kiss and a wish that he could be there to help me move my sisters. “Let me know when you’re done,” he’d told me. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Yep. I made the right choice.

Sean picked up. “Hey, baby, what’s up?”

My face turned red when he called me baby, and I was glad there was no one in my car to see me flush despite the fact that him calling me that made me deliriously happy. “I’m just calling to tell you that we’re done with the move. It went smoothly. When do you get off work?”

“At five,” Sean replied. There was a pause and it sounded like Sean was moving away from where he was, which sounded like the front desk area by the background noises I heard. I heard a door close, and from the way it echoed it sounded like he was in a bathroom or something.

“I’m not going to be home for a while though. I – I have to meet with my handler. I have to tell him about you.”

“You sound nervous,” I said worriedly.

“I am,” Sean said. “A little. He’s going to blow a gasket when he finds out I told you about me. I couldn’t tell him anything when I told him I needed to see him – my line wasn’t secure. He might put me protective custody while he checks you out. You need prepare to be visited by some people in suits in the next day or two. They’ll be asking you some very personal questions.”

“Okay, I’m ready for that,” I replied confidently, though the idea scared me. “When am I going to see you though?”

“I don’t know,” Sean admitted. “I’m taking the day off tomorrow, just in case they won’t let me go, but you should see me the day after tomorrow. I hope.”

“Okay,” I said, not reassured.

“I got to get back to work, Carrie. I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye,” I said.

We hung up and I drove home almost blindly, not really paying attention to what I was doing. Men in suits would be coming for me. Sean was going to be put into protective custody. I wouldn’t be seeing him for probably two days. I felt as if I had jumped into a lazy looking river that actually had a strong undercurrent that was about to carry me away. I looked at my refection in my rear view mirror.

What had I gotten myself into?

By the time I got home, I was so anxious I felt sick to my stomach. Telling myself that I had no reason to worry about anything and every reason to trust Sean and his judgment of our situation, I paced into the kitchen to find something to do. My eyes went to Barbara’s letter that I had put back up on the fridge so that I’d be forced to remember to do something about it. I reached for it then, wanting the distraction but also interested in it and Barbara for perhaps the first time.

It was Nancy’s words from last night that piqued my curiosity. Nancy had always painted my father as the wounded partner, but now I wondered if perhaps he had driven Barbara away, if perhaps actions on his part had made Barbara feel like she needed to look outside her marriage with him to find companionship or love. I found that I had other questions too, questions that had lay buried for so long that I hadn’t even realized they existed until that moment.

Despite the fact that Barbara had signed away her custody rights, for a while Dad had allowed her to see us girls. Why did she stop seeing us? And would our lives have been better if she hadn’t signed her rights away? If she had retained even shared custody, if we had spent half our time with her, would that have made my sisters and me a little less emotionally brittle? Would we be better, stronger women? Would we be more confident, decisive, and happier women?

Questions, questions.

And Barbara might have the answers.

I jumped into the shower and let the hot water work its magic on my sore muscles and then dashed over to the library to use the internet there. As I sat in front of the computer, my email page on the screen and my fingers poised over the keyboard, I tried to figure out what to say to Barbara.

Hi Barbara, I typed, figuring that was as good a beginning as any.

I received your letter several weeks ago, but I just now have decided to answer you. You say that you want a relationship with me, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to give you more than friendship. I’m 21 and I don’t know you, nor do I have many memories of you, let alone any emotional ties to you like my sisters do. I agree that we should get to know one another, but another woman raised me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but that is the reality of our situation.

With that said, I do have questions about why you and Dad got divorced, and why you chose to not be a part of my and my sister’s lives. I fully expect you to answer my questions without bashing either Dad or Nancy.

Now, as to myself, I should probably describe myself, since I’ve changed a lot since you last saw me. I am five foot four and my hair is a reddish brown now, (remember it used to be bright red when I was a toddler?). I wear contacts because my vision is very bad, just like every other Vitagliano. I work at a library right now. I haven’t gone to college yet because I don’t really know what I’d like to do for a career, and I didn’t want to waste anyone’s money finding out that out. I would, however, like to go to college sometime in the future. I did well in school and I like learning.