Shadows and Lies (13 page)

“It does,” I admitted. “For a little while. But I can handle it Genny. I always have. I take what Nancy says with a grain of salt. Yes, what she says sometimes hurts – it hurts a lot, but it doesn’t stay with me forever. I’ve learned to shake it off.”

Genny sighed. “Do you really believe that?” she asked.

No. “Yes,” I said firmly. “Though I will think about what you’ve said.” I paused. “I did pick Sean you know.”

I could hear Genny smile. “Yes you did. And I’m glad. And thank you for not getting upset over what I said.”

“You’re welcome. It’s more proof to you that I’m a balanced person, right?”

Genny agreed. I hung up, finished my work and went to go pick up my car. I looked it over carefully as I was handed the keys. “It looks better than the day I bought it,” I said, smiling at the shop owner.

I was back home by five p.m. Sean had called me earlier in the day and told me to be ready to go out at six. Feeling parched, I stood in front of my refrigerator and chugged a glass of water. As I finished, my eyes caught and lingered on the letter from Barbara that I had not had time to open or even think about recently. Even though I had to get in the shower, I carefully pulled it out of the clippie magnet and ripped open the envelope. I paused with my fingers on the letter within, wondering what would happen if I did take it out.

Would it really hurt to just read it? I didn’t dread its contents, I was just…apathetic. Barbara was a stranger to me, a vague memory at best. She had no emotional hold on me; I didn’t even care that she had given up her custody rights. I had no real memories of her as my mother or caregiver. I knew what she looked like, but that was all I knew about her.

I supposed that Barbara wanted to become acquainted with me, to make up for lost time and make me love her. I didn’t know about all that. The last thing I needed or wanted was a mother-figure. Judy had filled that role nicely, but I was 21 now, and I didn’t need a mother anymore. I had gone without one for so long, Nancy not being the best person for confiding in or for mothering, I didn’t think I’d know what to do if I really had one.

Still, I pulled it out and opened the paper up.

Dear Carrie, it read.

I herd that you moved out of your Dad’s house and I wanted to take this oportunity to tell you that I’d like to get to know you. I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen me, and I sorry for that, but there is a good reason I stayed away. That might not mean much to you but I’d like to explain if you want me to. I did some very bad things in the past that have taken me a long time to get over. I’m a better person now than I was 18 years ago and I’d like the chance to prove to you that I do love you no matter what you might have been told.

I’m so proud that you’ve become a smart, independent woman. I hope that you can find happiness and peace in your life. I hope you make good decisions, and I hope you never do things that you’ll regret for years. I never regret having you or your sisters, but there are actions I took that I do regret.

If you’d like to write me back, you can send a letter, or call, or e-mail me. I’d really like to hear from you. I’ve been in contact with your sisters for a while now and I’m trying to make amends. I’m sorry and I’d like to start over.

Love, Your Mother,

Barbara

She was a bit of a rambler I thought, but I reread the short letter again. She seemed in earnest, despite her bad grammar and spelling mistakes. At the bottom of the page, she had included her telephone numbers and her email address.

I didn’t want to think about calling her or contacting her in person just yet. I just put the letter in a drawer and got ready for my date with Sean.

I knocked on Sean’s door at six and he let me in with a smile and a light kiss on my lips. “You look really pretty,” he said, and I blushed. I was wearing a dress again, a simple black and white checked number that was cute and girly and showed off my shoulders. I normally hated wearing dresses, but when I was around Sean, I wanted to look feminine. Looking very masculine, Sean was wearing jeans and a nice shirt that hugged his biceps and shoulders and was a total turn on. I suddenly panicked, thinking that perhaps I was dressing too cutesy: men liked sexy better than cute, right?

“Feel free to look around,” Sean said. “I gotta’ brush my teeth. Then we can go.”

I took him up on the offer since the last time I was in there I was too busy being lectured about personal safety to snoop. I liked what I saw. He had a real one bedroom apartment. His walls were full of art and photographs, but there were no pictures of his family anywhere. Considering what he had told me about his family, they probably didn’t deserve to be remembered on his walls. I could sympathize. I didn’t have any pictures of my family up in my apartment either.

In one corner sat his computer and a desk. There was the standard computer paraphernalia on it along with a stack of PC World magazines and printouts of what looked like HTML. He knew how to design websites apparently. Next to the computer was a very manly entertainment center, but next to that was an easel and a plastic set of drawers full of paint supplies. Sean was an artist. I had not expected that. Paintings and drawings were stacked against the wall nearby and I gestured towards them as he exited the bathroom. “May I?”

“Go ahead,” he said, coming to stand just behind me. He smelled wonderful, like he had splashed on a bit of aftershave or cologne. “Just don’t get too excited. They aren’t that wonderful.”

I flipped through the canvasses. It was hard to concentrate on them because he was caressing the bare skin of my shoulders and neck, but I made the effort to focus. I thought some were good, some weird, and some were just like he’d said: not that wonderful. But I especially liked one drawing that he’d done in charcoal of a woman looking over her shoulder at something behind her.

“I like this one. It’s really good,” I said as Sean kissed the tender spot just below my ear. His touch gave me goose bumps. Was he trying to seduce me?

I cleared my throat and went on doggedly, “Her eyes are so huge and she just looks so vulnerable.” Sean nuzzled my neck in response, and my heart skipped a beat. “And yet,” I said, my voice cracking. “Whatever she sees, or whatever she’s feeling, she’s completely unafraid.” I pulled away from Sean and looked up at him. “It’s brilliant.”

Sean was still focused on my skin though, his fingers trailing their way lightly down my shoulders to my arms. “You are so beautiful,” he breathed.

My stomach flipped. “I couldn’t think of anywhere to go to dinner. Did you have anything in mind?”

Sean snaked an arm around my waist and pulled me close to him, his other hand resting on the back of my neck. “I like your hair up this way,” he murmured, kissing me on the side of my neck. It was all I could do not to turn to jelly right there in his arms. “Do you know how beautiful you are? Do you know how much you turn me on?”

I flushed and shook my head. No one had ever spoken like this to me before, and it embarrassed me. Trying to get us back on topic, I asked shakily, “What about Italian? I like Italian.”

Sean kissed me lightly on the lips. “I’m really hungry,” I whispered, my heart hammering in my chest.

“I’m hungry too,” he murmured before taking my mouth again.

I could tell.

And oh my, what that man could do with his mouth and hands. It made me want to forget everything and just let him steer me towards the bedroom, but I was not ready for that, no matter how good he was making me feel. Sean sensed that, and he lifted his head.

“Let’s go before I throw you over my shoulder and ravish you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe tomorrow night,” I teased as I slipped out of his arms. “Now where do you want to go for dinner?”

“To a hamburger dive,” he said gathering up his keys. “And a movie. Is that okay?”

I shrugged. “I love hamburger dives.”

We went outside and got into his truck. “It’s better this way,” he said on the way to the burger joint. He was referring to the fact that we were not in bed together. “I still got more to tell you about myself.”

The burgers were divine. As we ate, I found out that Sean and I had a lot more in common besides dysfunctional families. We both liked to read books, though he was more into mysteries and cyberpunk, and I loved science fiction and the occasional romance, if the characters and plot weren’t obnoxious. We both liked rock ‘n roll, but he was more into alternative and punk, whereas I was a classic rock junkie and had a sweet spot for country music. He liked to cook and I liked to bake, mostly chocolate cake and chocolate cookies.

The more we talked, the greater my opinion of him grew. He was a web designer, an artist, a creator. He was into science too, and we talked about biology and genetics and our environment, which led to a discussion of our families.

“How old were you when your dad remarried?” he asked me as were finishing up our meal.

“Almost five,” I said. “I don’t remember much, and I haven’t been told much, but apparently, my mom, Barbara is her name, signed a paper saying she gave up all of her parental rights to me and my sisters. I’ve been wondering lately why she would do that. Everything about the divorce is hush-hush.”

“Do you have any contact with her?”

“Not for a long time,” I replied. “But she sent me a letter last month saying that she wanted to get in touch. Nancy saw it the other day and almost had a kitten. She and my Dad have nothing good to say about Barbara.”

“Are you going to reply to her letter?”

I paused. “I don’t know. I just read it today. She left when I was so young, I don’t really think of her as my mother, just the woman who gave birth to me. There’s no emotional connection, and before this I’ve barely thought about her. I certainly never thought about contacting her.”

“But now that she’s taken the first step, that’s got you thinking,” Sean said. “And you have questions.”

“I do,” I admitted. “And I don’t. Or rather, I’m not sure I want the answers. Maybe I won’t like what I learn.”

Sean nodded but said nothing. We ate in companionable silence for a few minutes.

“So, have you been in contact with your mom?” I asked after he stopped our waitress and asked her to bring us a chocolate shake and two spoons. “Is she still in that weird commune?”

“No. The commune was shut down by the feds, who booked her and several others for tax evasion and growing and selling illegal substances. I found out about all that after she was sent to prison. She somehow found out where I was – this was before my own run-in with the Feds – and wrote me and asked for money. I didn’t write her back, and I never sent her a dime. I was angry with her for abandoning me. I’ve gotten older and now I’m not so angry, but I still don’t contact her. Fact is, she’s no good as a mother, as a person. She’s part of my old life, and I left that behind.” Sean shook his head. “I don’t think she feels any real loss of me anyways, so I don’t worry about it.”

“Well, she did loose out,” I said firmly. “Even if she doesn’t realize it, though she ought to. And you’ve got courage that not many people these days have. It takes guts to leave poisonous people behind you. It takes guts to leave the familiar and start over from scratch, to remake yourself into someone you and others can respect. And you are respected. Genny and Isaac think very highly of you, and so do I.”

Sean’s face was still; I had embarrassed him. “Thank you,” he said. “That’s probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me.”

“You’re welcome.” Our waitress brought out our shake and I waited for her to go before I continued on. “I haven’t yet reached that point myself – of leaving those poisonous to me behind.” I smiled at him as I dipped a spoon into the shake. “Though I do believe with every confrontation, I’m getting closer.”

We were both silent for a moment. Sean played with his shake, but wasn’t really eating it, and I wondered what was up.

“So, uh,” he began, but paused, not quite meeting my gaze. “I told you that I had some things to tell you before I could, you know…”

I smirked at him. “Throw me over your shoulder and ravish me?”

Sean couldn’t help but grin, but then tamped it down. “Yeah. There’s things you should know about me, about my past. I want you to know them, before you decide whether or not you want to get serious about me.”

Crap. I already was.

He held out his hands, and I placed mine in his. “I didn’t tell you much besides the bare details about myself, about my criminal past. I’ve been waiting for you to ask me about it, but you haven’t.”

I shrugged. “It’s been a busy few days. I would have gotten around to it.”

Sean smiled at my joke. “I am curious,” I said. “But I won’t judge you. I promise.”

Sean nodded, but I wasn’t sure if he believed me or not. Still, he launched into his story as if he couldn’t wait another minute to tell me all the dirty details of his past.

“After I ran away from the “home”, I eventually fell in with this guy who ran, among other things, a big chop shop business. My job was to steal the cars – I was good at it, real good, and my boss appreciated it. This guy, he was into money laundering, drug trafficking, prostitution. There was even a rumor that he dabbled in organ trafficking.”

“Ew,” I said, breaking in and making a face.

“Yeah,” said Sean dryly. “Anyways, he liked me. He scared the sh-the crap out of me, but he liked me, and since the pay was right and I had nowhere else to go, I hung around him, became one of his ‘boys’, a right hand man – in small stuff mostly, but he could count on me to show up at this place with this package, or deliver a message to that guy and take an answer back to him, all the while keeping my mouth shut and making him money. I got real close to him – his son was a real screw up, spoiled rotten and dumb. The boss liked me better – I didn’t steal from him – so brought me into his family, let me know things about him, personal things, financial things. Secrets.”

“Like The Godfather,” I breathed, my eyes big like saucers. Though I’d never seen it, I did know a little about it from watching When Harry Met Sally.

Sean’s mouth quirked in a quick smile. “Not really. Anyhow, the cops wanted my boss, knew he was dirty, but like it usually is with organized crime, they couldn’t pin a charge on him. Then one day, I got sent out with a package, and I–.” Seam hunkered down in seat and whispered so softly that I could barely hear him, “I ended up killing a guy.”