Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (14 page)

             
Noah was dead. I tried to do what Adam asked and accept that as final but in my heart, I felt the worse type of rejection. Noah wasn’t dead he just didn’t want to be with me anymore.

             
I almost wished that he were dead. Because the thought of living without him in my life now was almost crippling.

             
I picked up the phone and called Noah’s secure phone punching in the pass code that confirmed I had authority to be calling his number. I listened to the strange silence followed by clicking that told me the call was being traced right before a sterile voice on the other end asked me to identify myself. I didn’t wait to hear what else that person had to say. I slammed the receiver down. I knew this was standard Bureau procedure when an agent was missing or down in the line of duty.

             
Was it true then? Was Noah actually dead or was this just another twist in an already confusing game of the mind?

             
I forced myself to look through the folder Adam had left for me. The pictures I found there were just as gruesome as I knew they would be. The person in those photos had been shot numerous times. The body was barely recognizable as human. It could be Noah, or it could be any one of a million other people who similar build and appearance. I still didn’t have any answers. I knew that I had to get away from D.C. as quickly as possible.      

             
Then what choice did I have? I wasn’t sure what Adam knew and I couldn’t risk my brother’s safety. I’m sure Adam had plenty of proof to back his threat up, even if he hadn’t yet discovered my family connection. If I stayed ‘in’, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he knew everything. Where would that leave my child and me? Or Judah for that matter. If I continued to pursue the truth, I would no doubt end up in custody. Or worse.

             
Once I was out from under the Bureau’s watchful eye, I would try to find out the truth.

             
I missed the next Agency meeting but no one called, no one stopped by. No one was there for me through my grief. It was as it should be. A solitary pain. A fitting end to our hidden marriage.

             
I never left the apartment in those days. I sat most days simply staring out the window seeing nothing at all.

             
For a long time I thought I would lose my mind. In fact, I almost prayed for that to happen. Surely, insanity would be a welcome relief than this emptiness that seemed to consume me from the inside out.

             
And then, there was the first sign of life. I started feeling again.

             
First, to come was the feeling of absolute rejection. In my heart, I knew Noah was still alive. In all the years, we’d known each other even after things got bad between us I’d always been able to count on this six sense between us. I could tell no matter where he was if he was okay or in danger. My six senses was telling me very clearly that Noah was not dead, as Adam would have me believe.

             
What good did it do me? This sense of him. Was knowing Noah didn’t want to see me any better than believing him dead? At the moment, it sure didn’t feel like it.

             
Slowly over time, I slipped into the second stage of grief. Anger. I was so angry with Noah, angry with Adam. Angry at the whole sordid business I was part of.

             
How could Noah leave me like that in the first place? How could he not tell me the truth about his death? How could he just walk away from our marriage as if it meant nothing to him?

             
I remembered Judah’s words to me that one night. I wondered just how well I truly knew Noah after all. He was good at what he did. Maybe our marriage had simply been another cover story to get me to lead him and his precious Agency to Judah.

             
It was then that I started to come alive again in my anger. I was feeling something again. I mean, how could someone who really loved me simply disappear from my life without having the guts to tell me to my face. I hated admitting that there were so many things about Noah that I didn’t know. He rarely talked about his childhood. All that I really knew was that he grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. And that he never really knew his father and his mother was dead. But that was it. I didn’t know what schools he attended. Didn’t know anything about his friends growing up. I didn’t even know what his favorite foods were.

             
For all those things, I found the will to live in my anger. At least his desertion had made me realize I couldn’t spend the rest of my life crying over someone who hadn’t really wanted me in the first place. I had an out. Adam had told me he would let me walk away. I was ready to take that offer and start over with my child somewhere normal was possible.

             
I think everyone was just as surprised to see me at the next Agency meeting, as I was to be there. I had unfinished business with Matt. I needed to tell him I was leaving. In my absence, things had definitely changed in the group.

             
With my threat to disclose the document’s contents, it seemed that Judah had fulfilled his part of our agreement. Since I’d told Matt about the document, there had been no new intelligence on either Elijah Jacobs or the man known as Davis. They had simply disappeared from sight again.

             
Matt still believed that it was only a matter of time before the event he’d been predicting for a long time came about. Only I knew the truth. Judah would remain true to his word.

             
That night and much to everyone surprise Matt told us all that he was now actively recruiting a replacement for Noah. That had everyone nervous.

             
“Matt don’t you think it’s a little too soon for that? I mean come on Noah’s barely been...gone a month now. Don’t you think we should leave things as they are for a while? Out of respect for his memory. Cameron, I mean this is hard on all of us. We all cared about Noah. We’ve lost one of our own. I think we can wait a little while to starting talking about replacing him don’t you? For God’s sake have some feeling for Cameron. Besides we haven‘t heard a sound out of the players in days. I think the immediate threat is clear. They know we’re on to them,” Shane said and I tried not to show how hard that was to hear.

             
I didn’t want to feel angry with Matt or anyone else anymore. But it was still hard to talk about Noah. And I’d moved on from anger. I was well on my way to becoming a bitter woman.

             
Matt was beyond listening to Shane or anyone else. He was on a mission of his own and he was in control. Matt was determined to prove himself fit as commander of The Organization to Adam.

             
“Cameron, I’m sorry. I know how hard this has been for you but unfortunately, our work doesn’t stop with Noah’s death. Trust me I wish that it did. I am sorry. I know you and the rest of the group miss Noah but we have to keep going. We have to be prepared for anything. I know there’s been a lull in the chatter but that could mean anything Shane. I for one don’t plan to be caught off guard. The Organization’s work isn’t done just because Noah is no longer a part of it.”

             
“Matt, are you so sure that he’s really gone?” I stopped once those words were out. Looking around the group, I could see the pity in each of their expressions. They thought I was delusional.

             
“Cameron, I’m sorry I know how you felt about him but you have to face the truth. He’s gone. Even if Noah hadn’t been killed that day he wasn’t coming back. Why do you think he sold the house and cleared out everything he owned? Why do you think he left the business to me? He wasn’t planning on coming back.”

             
“What? What are you talking about Matt? Noah wouldn’t sell the house without telling me about it. You’re lying.”

             
“Sorry Cameron, I didn’t want to tell you like this--certainly not in front of everyone. Noah had been talking about taking an assignment abroad for a while. For months in fact. He missed the international intrigue and he knew The Organization would be left in good hands. He wanted something more challenging for a while.”

             
“Then why didn’t he tell me?”

             
As I looked into Matt’s eyes in knew the answer to that already. Against my will, I remembered all those times in the past when Noah had tried to talk to me about his feelings but I’d been too wrapped up in what I wanted from life, from our marriage, from him to listen. In the end, we usually ended up arguing or making love. I’d been too blinded by my own demons to see that he had his own. It was then that I realized just how much I must have hurt Noah.

             
“Look, why don’t we just get on with the business at hand? None of this matters because Noah is gone. It’s over for Noah.”

             
I didn’t hear another word that was said that night. I barely managed to keep it together until the meeting ended. Everyone in the group seemed to steer clear of me. I’d become the outcast.

             
I was home before I realized that I hadn’t talked to Matt about leaving. I’d been so stunned and hurt by the new of Noah that I’d forgotten that was the only reason I’d gone to the meeting tonight. Tonight I didn’t care. I was starting to make plans for my life beyond Noah and The Organization.

             
Matt seemed to be literally thriving since coming out of Noah’s shadow and taking over control of The Organization. He would be all right. He’d get over losing Noah. But me, well I knew I was history. I couldn’t do this any more. I couldn’t even pretend anymore. I decided before I lost my nerve to sit down at my computer and type a note to Matt letting him know I was through. I would continue my search for answers, but I was done with the games.

             
It was time to focus on my child. I had a chance to have a normal life again. I could put The Organization and all the things I’d be a part of behind me and focus on being just like everyone else job. I was good at what I did and I could find a job wherever I decided to call home.

             
In all the years my father had worked for the State Department, we’d always lived abroad. There were a few places in the states that we called home and on several occasions, we’d actually taken a vacation. Of course, this was after Judah disappeared or at least those are the only ones I remembered.

             
There was one particular ski trip we’d taken to a small town in Colorado. I’d been about fifteen at the time. My mother and I had fallen in love with the little cabin we’d stayed at for a week. We’d even talked dad into agreeing that would be the place we’d spend all of our future vacations at.

             
Of course, that hadn’t happened. In fact, we’d never gone there again but somewhere in the small chest, that I kept precious keepsakes from my past in was everything that I had to remember that small ski trip to Eagle Bluff, Colorado that year.

             
I dug through the piles of stuff I’d collected in my lifetime before finding the brochures my parents had booked the trip from which I’d kept.

             
I went onto the Internet and found the same group of cabins was still there newly renovated according to the advertisement. I came so close to booking a trip there without considering anything else when I received a reminder that my past life still had ties to me.

             
Matt had read my email and was responding.

             
Even before I read his note, my phone started to ring.

             
“Cameron, you can’t leave me as well. I don’t know what Adam said to you and I don’t care. I need you. I need your experience and your expertise. No one else knows who to decipher a code the way you do. If you go, you know Shane will be gone and that leaves me with just Gina from the original group. Gina!”

“
Matt, I’m sorry, I know its short notice, but my mind’s made up. I can’t do this anymore. I’m toast. If I keep going the way that I feel now I’ll end up getting someone killed. Either myself of someone on the team.

“Is it because of
Noah?”

“Yes, no...Maybe a little
. I don’t know anymore, Matt. All I know is I’ve seen all of the dark side of the world I can handle.”

“Okay,”
he said at last. “I guess I understand, but you know that it doesn’t matter where you run to. If they want you, they’ll find you. You won’t ever feel safe. You can’t go back to a normal life, Cameron. You’ll never be free of the job.” I was angrier with Matt than ever. I had no idea at the time how much those words were going to come back and haunt me.

“I don’t believe that
Matt. I can’t. I won’t accept that there’s no getting out. Look at Noah.”

“
Cameron, Noah’s dead. I know that you don’t want to accept that but it’s true. Even if he weren’t, Noah knows he’ll never bet finished. He knew that going in--just like you and me. You never leave the business.”