Shades of Gray (18 page)

His pace was slow and lazy, as if he had all the time in the world. He seemed determined
not to rush her, and she realized for the first time how hard her rape had to have
been for him as well.

Even now, despite the slow pace he’d set, his jaw was tight, and she could tell it
was difficult for him to go this slow and be this patient. In that moment, she fell
even harder for a man she was already well on her way to completely falling for.

“Kiss me,” she whispered. “Make love to me.”

He groaned softly as his lips melted over hers. Their tongues met and tangled. Hot
and wet. Breathless and needy.

His hand moved downward, between her legs, sliding through her wetness, teasing and
caressing in gentle strokes.

“We have all night, baby,” he murmured. “Let’s not rush. I want to make sure you’re
with me every step of the way.”

She sighed and snuggled closer to him, wanting and needing that flesh-to-flesh contact.
Her leg protested fiercely when she slid it over his, but she didn’t care. Nothing
was going to ruin this moment for her.

He made his goal to touch every inch of her skin. No part of her body went untouched.
He licked and kissed his way from her toes all the way to her eyelids. He gave extra
attention to her breasts, teasing and toying with the nipples until they were straining
upward, begging for more.

But it was when he traced the lines of each one of her scars and then followed his
fingers with his mouth, sweetly kissing every puckered inch of the wounds, that her
heart squeezed and she found it hard to breathe.

He was telling her without words that her scars meant nothing to him. He didn’t shy
away from them. Didn’t recoil over their ugliness. He made certain there was no doubt
in her mind that he accepted every single part of her.

God, but she wanted to cry. She wanted to let go of the grief that had plagued her
for so long. She felt safe with Cole. Her harbor. Her shelter. The one person she
could turn to and he’d never think her weak.

His palms glided warmly over her body. His fingers stroked and his mouth made love
to her all on its own.

She was senseless with need, and pleasure was molten lava in her veins. More potent
than the strongest drug.

She was in a haze, her surroundings blurred. She felt her legs being parted, felt
the twinge of pain as her injured leg protested the movement. Then a hard body covered
hers and panic splintered through her consciousness, bringing an abrupt halt to every
pleasurable sensation she’d been fully immersed in.

She reacted blindly, desperate to defend herself. She’d never allow anyone to hurt
her that way again. A sob escaped, loud, like thunder in her ears. She fought desperately,
pain lancing up her leg until she cried out.

She rolled, trying to get away, and she fell onto the floor, the blanket from the
bed tangled around her feet. She nearly blacked out from the pain after landing on
her injured leg. Or maybe she had.

It was as if she were two completely different people. One who embraced the idea of
making love to Cole as if nothing had ever happened to her—one rooted solidly in denial—and
the other? Still trapped on that couch in Vienna, powerless against the effects of
the drug while two men raped her body and mind.

And the one currently winning the battle for self-preservation was that terrified,
brutalized victim that she’d tried so hard to forget existed for the last six months.

When some of the overwhelming panic dissipated and she became aware of her surroundings
once more, she was sitting on the floor, her arms wrapped protectively around her
body as she rocked back and forth. Tears were streaming down her face and she was
helpless to stop them.

Oh God. What had she done?

A blanket fell over her shoulders and was pulled tightly around her until she was
covered. Eventually some of the awful shaking ceased and warmth began to bleed back
into her body.

She was lifted, cradled against a hard chest and then set on the edge of the bed,
that blanket still securely wrapped around her.

“P.J. P.J., baby, it’s all right. You’re safe. Nobody can hurt you here. It’s me,
Cole. Okay? Open your eyes. Look at me, honey. Look at me so I know you’re all right.”

She blinked and then tried to focus on his face. He was kneeling in front of her,
and she could barely make out his features for the tears clouding her vision.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked out.

“Oh God. Don’t apologize, baby. Never that.”

He moved to sit beside her on the bed and pulled her into his arms. She burrowed tightly
against him, seeking more of his warmth. She pressed her face into his neck and closed
her eyes. She wanted to die. She was horrified by what had happened. She wasn’t even
sure
what
had happened. One minute she’d been wrapped up in the beauty of their lovemaking
and the next she’d been so filled with panic that she’d completely freaked out.

She clung to him, humiliated by the tears that wouldn’t end. She was shaking from
head to toe, and the memory of that night was so vibrant in her mind that no amount
of wishing would make it go away. She could still smell her own blood, remembered
how it felt, slick and sticky against her. She started to gag, and Cole gripped her
tighter.

“Deep breaths, P.J. In and out. Real slow. Come on. Breathe with me.”

He pulled her away so she was forced to look at him, and he stared intently, mimicking
the inhaling and exhaling he wanted her to do.

“Tell me if you’re going to be sick. I’ll take you into the bathroom.”

She shook her head blindly, determined not to let herself lose more control than she
already had.

Gradually her pulse slowed and her breathing steadied. The shaking stopped and the
panic eased. The images faded into the shadows and the smell of blood left her.

But the tears kept coming, slipping over her cheeks as she stared numbly at Cole.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. Because what else was there for her to say? What guy
wanted to have sex interrupted by a major meltdown and then have to ask the woman
if she needed to be sick?

And God, she’d been the one who’d pushed! He’d wanted to wait. He hadn’t thought she
was ready. He’d wanted to take things slow. She’d been so sure. But it was just more
of her refusal to accept what had been done to her. If she didn’t think about it,
then it didn’t exist. Only now, the past had come back to bite her on the ass in a
major way.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for ruining everything.”

He looked furious, and he shook his head emphatically. “You aren’t apologizing for
this. It’s me who should be apologizing. I
knew
you weren’t ready for this and I should have put a stop to it. I’m a complete asshole
for even contemplating making love to you so soon after what happened.”

She shook her head just as emphatically. “No. I thought I was ready. I mean, I was.
I don’t know what happened. I wanted it, Cole. I wasn’t scared. I was right there
with you and then bam, out of nowhere, panic. Oh my God, the panic was paralyzing
and all I could see was
them
and I even smelled my blood. I
felt
it. Sticky and wet on my skin. How it felt when he smeared it over me with his own
body.”

She shuddered and physically recoiled from the images she described.

Cole’s eyes were murderous and his jaw was so tight it bulged.

Her first instinct was to flee, and she fought it with everything she had. She made
herself sit there and face Cole. She had to do this. She had to face it. It wasn’t
going away no matter how hard she wished it.

“Don’t let me run from this,” she blurted. “It’s what I do. I run when things get
tough. I ran from my old team and the situation there. I ran from the reality of what
happened to me in Vienna. I ran from you and my team because I couldn’t deal with
what happened. Don’t let me run from this,” she begged.

He stroked her hair with his hand and gently kissed the top of her head. “If you run,
I’ll just go after you and haul you right back to me.”

She let out another quiet sob, nearly choking on it in an effort to prevent it escaping.

“Why do you even want to be involved with me?” she asked. “I’m a complete mess. I
don’t have my head on straight. I’m a master at fucking up everything that’s good
in my life.”

“But you’re my mess,” Cole said quietly. “I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need
you to be you because that’s who I care about.”

She reached for him, hugging him tightly to her. He hugged her just as tightly, his
arms like steel around her body.

“It’s going to be okay, P.J.,” he whispered next to her ear. “I’m not going anywhere
and we’ll get through this. Together.”

She closed her eyes, savoring the promise. It was the only tangible thing to hold
on to when so much else was steeped in murkiness. She couldn’t trust herself. Couldn’t
trust her state of mind. But she could trust Cole. He wouldn’t let her go.

CHAPTER 30

COLE
paced the kitchen floor, wondering for the hundredth time if he’d made a huge mistake.
He wasn’t sure how P.J. would take it. It had been presumptuous of him to barge ahead
and follow through with his idea, and now he was having serious doubts. The last thing
he wanted was to piss P.J. off and have her cut and run like she said she often did.

He blew out a huge breath and ran a hand through his short-cut hair. Damn it but he’d
blown it big last night. He damn well knew that he shouldn’t be making a move that
soon after her rape.

And the very fact that she seemed to be handling it so well should have been a big-ass
warning sign. She’d been in denial ever since the night those bastards had hurt her.
She’d shoved everything back, refusing to face it because that’s what she had to do
in order to cope. She’d focused all her energy on revenge.

He felt like a total bastard. She’d fallen completely apart. He’d ended up holding
her until she’d drifted off to sleep, and he’d made damn sure he got up before her
so she wouldn’t feel any awkwardness when she woke up.

It pissed him off that she’d actually thought she had to apologize to him.
Apologize
, for Christ’s sake. He was so disgusted with himself.

To take his mind off the phone call he’d placed just moments earlier, he busied himself
making breakfast. He was going to bring her breakfast in bed and make damn sure that
there was no awkwardness between them or that, God forbid, she’d try to apologize
again.

He plated the pancakes, took the pan of bacon off the burner and then put the pieces
on a saucer. After grabbing the bottle of syrup from the pantry, he arranged everything
on a breakfast tray and started for the bedroom.

She was still fast asleep when he entered the room. The satisfaction of seeing her
asleep in his bed, her head on his pillow, was overwhelming.

She looked like she belonged there. Belonged to him.

There were deep shadows under her eyes as if she hadn’t rested well the night before.
They made her look much more fragile than he knew her to be. Or maybe he’d made a
mistake by assuming she was a lot stronger than she was.

He lowered himself to the edge of the bed, tray across his lap, and he quietly called
her name. “P.J. Wake up, baby. I have breakfast for you.”

She stirred and mumbled something in her sleep.

“P.J., wake up,” he said again.

Her eyelids fluttered, revealing cloudy green eyes. She looked confused, as if she
were trying to gather her thoughts. He knew the moment she remembered everything that
had happened. Her lips turned down into a frown and shame darkened her eyes.

“Hey, I brought you breakfast,” he said, determined not to allow her to feel even
a moment’s awkwardness.

She carefully pushed herself upward, grimacing when she flexed her leg. She grabbed
one of the pillows and put it behind her back so she was propped up, and then he placed
the tray over her lap, pulling out the legs so it was steady.

“It smells wonderful,” she said with a wan smile.

“Dig in. I already ate, but I’m happy to keep you company while you enjoy.”

She glanced nervously at him then retreated, focusing on the food in front of her.

He cursed under his breath and wondered again if he’d made a huge mistake. He may
as well lay it all out, and if she got mad, deal with it then. He could always call
Sam back and cancel the whole thing.

“I made a phone call this morning,” he began. “This may not be something you want
to do, and I’ll understand if it pisses you off. I just thought that it might help.”

She cocked her head and stared back at him, her brow furrowed in puzzlement. “Why
would I be pissed?”

He grimaced. “I arranged for you to hook up with the Kelly women today. I told Sam
I’d drive you over after breakfast so you could spend some time with Rachel, Sophie,
Sarah and Shea.”

She blinked in surprise. “Oookay.”

He could tell she was confused and he rushed to provide an explanation. Hell, it had
sounded good at the time. Now it just seemed silly.

He rubbed his hand over his nape in agitation. “Look, I just thought . . . I thought
that since they’d gone through some of the stuff you’re going through, they could
help. I don’t know, maybe you could talk to them about it. I thought it might help
to know you aren’t alone. They’ve endured some pretty heavy shit. Especially Sarah.
She was raped too.”

For a long moment P.J. just stared at him. He swallowed nervously, anxiety nipping
at his gut. The last thing he wanted was to fuck things up between him and P.J. And
this may very well be the thing to do it.

P.J. was intensely private, if nothing else. She wasn’t the kind to spread her business
far and wide. He was only now learning shit about her that he never knew, and he’d
worked with her for four years.

But then her expression softened and her eyes glowed with a warm light.

“Thank you,” she said. “It was very sweet of you to think of doing that for me.”

Relief was crushing. He damn near wilted on the spot.

“So you aren’t mad?”

Her brow furrowed even deeper. “Mad because you care about me? Enough that you’d drive
me all the way out to the KGI compound because you think meeting up with the Kelly
wives would help me? You’re a very special man, David Coletrane. I don’t know why
the hell you bother with me, but I’m so very glad you do.”

It was all he could do not to haul her into his arms and never let her go.

“Okay then,” he said gruffly. “If you want, finish up and get dressed and we’ll set
out as soon as possible so it’s not too late when we get back.”

She smiled and forked another bite of pancake into her mouth. “You know, I could get
used to this kind of five-star service.”

He relaxed, warmth spreading through his chest. If this was what it felt like to be
in love, he figured he didn’t mind it so much after all.