Sexy Summers (Sexy Series) (35 page)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

TUESDAY 1ST JANUARY

Happy New Year. Or miserable new year, if you're me. What a sorry few days these last few have been. After Bea left me to my own devices on Saturday, I spent the day wallowing in the bedroom. I ventured out onto the patio in the freezing cold, with the duvet and a cup of tea, and I curled up in the chair and slept again. I'm doing a lot of sleeping, but I have needed it, and this crying is really wearing me out.

I woke up in the evening, freezing cold, so I had a hot bath and went straight back to sleep again. At least I enjoyed my first half of the holiday; right now, I am just sitting by, waiting for the time I can go back home and indulge in myself pity in the comfort of my own room. I also need to get planning, looking for a new home and thinking about how I can look after the baby on my own, whilst still earning money to live.

Yesterday, New Years Eve, I went for a walk outside again, but that was yet another painful reminder. I should have known something was wrong the last time when I fell asleep out here. He went crazy at me. Maybe I shouldn't have done that - maybe I should have been more careful so he didn't worry so much. Oh, I don't know, there are so many 'maybes' it's ridiculous, I'm not to know what I could have done differently.

There was a huge New Years Eve party here at Alexia's house last night and I couldn't even face going downstairs. There were people overflowing from room to room, and I just wanted the solace of my own space. My wonderful friends came upstairs with a champagne glass of sparkling Apple juice for me, to toast in the New Year, and that incredibly thoughtful, newly engaged couple didn't even have a midnight pash, to save my feelings. Of course I physically pushed them out onto the patio and told them to snog, or else. Everyone who can, should snog at midnight.

It marked the beginning of a new era for Wriggler and I; our first New Year together, the year in which he or she will be born; the best of my life. It doesn't feel like it will be, but the day I get to hold my newborn, will be the most special I have ever had.

I called Gemma earlier in the day, told her everything and let her know that I would be out to see her just as soon as I could get more leave from work. She cried her eyes out, first at the good news, and then because I am in such a state. She worries about me so much and I know she wants to be with me.

It was so wonderful to talk to her, tell her everything, and she had some fantastic pregnancy advice. It was so good to finally talk and share the experiences that we have experienced during our pregnancies. I am a little under half way there, so she told me so much about the lovely things I should expect in the near future.

Wriggler has been extremely active over the last few days, it's so obvious now and I can feel so much more. It's bittersweet, really. I love it, it's the most wonderful feeling but I want to share it with someone. Yes - I can share it with my friends, but they aren't its dad. It's not the same, they aren't my lover; someone I can lie naked and hold my tummy with.

I'm seventeen weeks today. It's been a week since Luke told me all about Wrigglers developments and got horny about my boobs. Thinking about it makes me clench inside,
god,
I could do with a big, hard fuck to knock me out of this 'funk' - as my favourite American people would call it.

Today, on the Bounty pregnancy chart, I am told that the progesterone may slow down my bowel movements and cause constipation.
You don't say?
Maybe I should read the week ahead of me this time - just in case! Apparently, Wriggler is practising breathing movements and is in a crucial stage of lung development. She has little taste buds, too. How cute. I wish I could tell Luke. Maybe I should... no, he wants to make a clean break. Will he never want to know anything about his child? I just can't imagine him not caring or needing to know that he's doing well at school, or that she's top of her ballet class... or when he or she first starts to walk as a toddler.

I don't know what everyone else is up to today, but as we're going home tomorrow, I intend to pack up my stuff and get ready for reality. God, the thought of having to go back to work after this roller coaster of a ride is fucking hideous.

As I pack up the last of my clothes from my room, I drag the case through to Luke's, to get the rest of my things. Pam meets me on the landing with a large pile of towels.

"Hello, Pam."

"Hi, Tilly, how are you?" she asks following me into my room.

"I'm okay, thank you."

"You're missing Luke though? I know I am, that boy is something special, I always miss him and Daniel when they go back. Never a dull moment with one of those two around."

I smile. "Yes, I miss him a lot."

"He'll see sense, sweetheart. He's a good boy."

"Everyone says that, it's just a little hard to believe sometimes. Do you have a family? You seem to be here all the time."

"No, I couldn't have babies back when I was married so I never got one of my own. I used to take care of other people's children, as a nanny, and that was perfect for me. When I divorced, I was looking for a new job and a friend of mine, Marsha - you met her, told me about a family she had met whilst working in a restaurant, who were looking for house staff. That's how this all started."

I sit on the bed as she potters around the room, folding blankets and lightly tidying. "So, where do you live?"

"I live here, didn't you know that?"

"No..."

"Well, in the laundry room, there is a secret staircase leading to my private dungeon," she says in a story-telling voice, making me smile. "I live in the downstairs part of this house and I work in whichever of the three houses I'm needed in."

"Oh that's great. Well, hopefully one day, I'll be able to come back here and meet you again, when the baby is here."

"I know you will, I can't wait to meet that little bundle. Hopefully I'll see you next Christmas."

"Well, we'll see, if Luke's going to be here... I probably won't..." I begin, and she interrupts.

"Less of that talk, you'll be back at Christmas as a family - if you choose to spend it in Aspen, and I am looking forward to it already."

I won't argue. She's too nice. So I just smile and nod, silently.

She leaves a couple of fresh towels, as she has every other day, and takes away my old ones. She gives me a warm smile before slipping out of the door and back out to the rest of the house to carry on working. What a lovely woman, I bet she was a wonderful, warm nanny.

Lunch time comes and goes, and during the afternoon, I take another long walk out in the garden. It snows heavily on me, and I get really cold, but I endure it, just to savour these last moments of Aspen. I had wanted to go back up to '
Sundeck
' on Ajax Mountain, take another trip in that gondola and gaze at the view, but only with him. I would have liked to have gone back to
'Peaches Corner Cafe'
for one of those delicious roasted vegetable sandwiches... but remembering all of the flirting that we did in there, reminds me exactly why I just couldn't stand to be there again, without him.

We all eat dinner together at Bea and Daniel's house again, to say goodbye to Alexia, Rose and Henry, and to toast to the wonderful holiday that we have enjoyed. Well... in my case,
half-
enjoyed. It was a lovely evening, considering my crappy mood, and by the time we get home, I am absolutely exhausted and ready for my bed. I send Luke a quick text message, because I just can't seem to fully let go. I can't accept it.

-

1 Jan 23:47

Happy New Year, Lukey. I can't stop thinking about you. One minute I hate you, the next... I am so in love with you. Either way, it still hurts so much. Come back to me? I want to move to LA to live with you, hold your hand every day, be your 'Princess' again. I want us to go house hunting and buy Wriggler a cot. I want that life. I want you. Love you, Til and Wriggler. xx

-

CHAPTER
NINETEEN

WEDNESDAY 2ND JANUARY

As usual, I slept with my phone under my pillow, just in case anything came through from Luke in the night. I don't want to miss it in case it's my last opportunity to communicate with him, although I fear I may have already had that moment. There is nothing on my phone when I wake, which isn't a surprise to me, but it still hurts.

I continue with the morning as usual, trying my utmost not to cry every five minutes. We enjoyed breakfast together, Olly and Clare a little sad to be going home, they have so enjoyed this holiday.

We sit and chat around the fire for a couple of hours after we have all gotten ready to leave, our cases waiting by the door. We're leaving after lunch, at about two, so we can relax and chill out around here for a while before the busy journey home. I wish we could just get on a direct flight and be done with it so I could at least try to sleep through it, ignoring the memories I'm leaving behind in Aspen.

When we have finished Pam's deliciously filling roast chicken salad, we have about half an hour left. I'm not sure what Clare and Oliver do with their time, but I use it wisely... saying goodbye to the bedroom, my favourite view from the balcony and that pillow that I have become too attached to. I sit on the balcony, hugging it close to my chest, burying my face into the soft fabric. It still smells of him, faintly.

I stay there until I hear a car horn beeping from the front of house, indicating the arrival of the car. I feel terribly weepy, and I squeeze the pillow tightly before taking it back to the bed and slowly retreating towards the door. Pam surprises me there,
has she been watching me?
"Oh! Pam, you gave me a fright."

"You car is here, Tilly, would you like any help bringing anything down?"

"No thank you, I left it all by the door downstairs."

"Okay, I'll have a quick once over in the rooms while you load into the car," she says, shooing me down the stairs. I'm pretty sure she won't find anything, but it's always good to have someone else check it over for you.

Once everything is packed up, Pam joins us at the bottom of the stairs to say goodbye. "Only a couple of things, Oliver - you left this..." she says, handing him a brand new wallet, if I'm not mistaken - the same wallet Clare was looking at in Ralph Lauren before I confirmed to her that I was pregnant.
Did she go back and buy it for him?
Interesting...

"You need to be more careful with your wallets, Olly, especially expensive new ones like that..." I say, suspiciously and Clare looks away.

"Yeah - I can't believe I almost did it again," he says, giving nothing away.

"And sweetie, you left this..." she says, handing me a full carrier bag. I look at her questioningly. "Off you go, it was so lovely to meet you, I can't wait for everyone to come back next year."

I take a look in the bag, and inside, folded in half and wedged in tightly, is the pillow. She hugs Clare and Oliver, and then me. "You should take it, everyone needs a little comfort, that's where you find yours right now. We have plenty more where that one came from, sweetheart."

I hold her tightly and nod, so grateful to her for understanding. "Thank you, Pam."

"You're welcome, I'll be seeing you next year, as a happy family."

I smile weakly and let go, entering the car behind Clare and Olly. I gaze out of the window at Pam as she waves the car out of the drive. I think I love her.  

Again the journey to the airport is quick and painless and before we know it we're inside, greeting Bea, Daniel, Emily and Edward. Before we move over to the check in desks, Daniel stands next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder. "Hey, Til, can we talk for a minute?"

"Yes, of course, what is it? Is Luke okay?"

"He's okay. Come sit with me," he says, walking me over to a couple of seats near the door. "He won't talk to me anymore. I can't get a hold of him any way I try. I spoke to his housekeeper, she says he's at his place but acting strangely, so at least we know he's there."

"Oh good! That worried me," I say, my hand on my heart. "Why has he stopped talking to you?"

"Last time we spoke, he got mad, told me to butt out of his business and to concentrate on worrying about you."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You have got to get him to talk to you, Til. You guys really need to talk about what's going on here, and I know he's not going to come to you, because he's got it in his thick skull that you're better off without him. I think he's gone crazy if he believes that. He has something he needs to tell you. He didn't want you to know about this, and I'm not going to get any deeper into it - it's not my place, but you have got to talk to him."

"Daniel, I text, I emailed him, I try calling... he won't answer... what is it?"

"I know," he says, slipping an envelope into my handbag. "Decide what you want to do. Whatever you choose, I'll back you all the way." He kisses my cheek and stands, making his way back to the group.
What?

"But... what? What do you..." I don't continue, he's too far away to hear me and is already embracing his
fiancée.

I look down at my bag and pull out the white envelope,
what the hell is going on?
I tear it open quickly, and inside I find a paper with all of the booking details for a first class flight from Aspen to LAX... in a few hours.
Holy shit...
I hadn't even thought of going to him... now.

Crap, how am I supposed to make this kind of a decision this quickly? Everyone is waiting for me to check in... this LA flight leaves about an hour and a half after my flight to London. Oh shit, what do I do? I need to go home... go back to work and start living the life I need to get used to again. But... what if? What if I just jumped on this direct flight to LA? Would we be able to sort it out? Would he tell me this big mystery? Would he be happy or go crazy? I'd lose my job, for sure. Oh shit... I don't know what to do - I want him so badly... and this is my chance, but he doesn't want me... he just fucking left me on my own to bring up a baby!

Yes... yes he did do that shitty, arse-holey thing. He left his pregnant girlfriend without even saying goodbye. What kind of shit-head does that? One that probably shouldn't get a second chance Til... Stop forgetting that you want him more than he wants us... that's a bad relationship, it'll never work.

No. I'm so grateful to Daniel for giving me the option, but I can't do this. I would have my heart trampled on again and then I'd have to make the long journey back to England anyway. I stand and join the rest of the group, and we immediately head to the check-in for the flight.

We stand in line, awaiting our turn at the desk, everyone chatting quietly, discussing home. Bea and Daniel hold each other tightly, it must be so nice for them to be at the airport together now, after that heart wrenching moment when they had to separate at LAX with no hope for their future - now they get to fly everywhere, knowing that they'll always be together. And this time they return engaged.

I smile at them with envy, they knew what they wanted and they've got it. The difference between them and Luke and I, is that Luke and I aren't on the same wavelength. I want something that he doesn't. I sigh as we step forward, next in the queue to check in, and my handbag vibrates. I know I live in hope, but I get that tingle in my belly that it could be Luke. Every time my phone makes a noise I get excited - just in case. It's silly, but I can't help it - it never is him but I can hope.

I pull my phone out and check the screen... Oh my god, it
is
him.
Please, please, please don't let him tell me to stop texting him...

-

LA Luke 2 Jan 14:45

Happy New Year to you, too, Princess. I miss you so badly. I hate what I have done to you. xxx

-

I stare at my phone for a minute, my heart hurting. He misses me, too... so why can't he be with me? I need answers - he's clearly got something going on that has to be bad, if he really does miss me that much but still can't be with me. Does he hate kids or something? No... he was great with Jack in LA, and Queenie says Logan adores him, he must be good with kids. Oh for fucks sake, I'm just so confused.

"Earth to Tilly..." Clare sings with a giggle.

I look up, in question. "Hmm? Yes?"

"We need your passport."

"Oh, yes - sorry..." I rummage around in my bag, retrieving my passport - that white envelope distracting me. I slowly pull the passport from my bag and hand it over to Clare, my eyes locked on that white paper.

"Thank you," she says, handing it to the lady at the check-in desk.

"No..." I say suddenly, "no - I need that back," I look over to Daniel and back to Clare. "I'm not coming - don't check me in," I say to the check-in staff, "I'm not getting on that flight."

"What?" Oliver says, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm... um... I'm going to LA..." I say, only just realising that I've made my mind up. I nod, determined. "Yes, I'm going to LA, I'm going to find out what the hell is going on."

"Good for you," Daniel says, putting an arm around me and kissing my cheek.

"Darling, that's great. Go and tell him off and then find out what the problem is. You'll sort it out," Bea says, still quite angry with him for what he's done.

I hug everyone good-bye and go and sit for a moment to collect my thoughts. What the hell am I doing? I'm at a strange airport, all by myself, about to fly to LAX to confront the man who can - and has - broken my heart into a thousand pieces. This is fucking crazy! I would never,
ever
have done this for any other man before.
Never!
So this is what people mean when they say: 'the things you do for love'. Lose the plot.

I get myself together and check in for the flight after a while of shaking my head and talking to myself about how stupid this is. People must think I have some serious issues. I do. I spend the rest of my time waiting, contemplating taking up nail biting and pacing, neither of which has ever taken my fancy before.

When I finally board the tiny aircraft, I'm shaking with anxiety, even though I'm so excited to see him, however he reacts. Just to see his beautiful face, touch his skin, smell him... it'll totally be worth the rejection that could be so, very real.

I sit down in my navy, leather seat, one of the six, first class places on the aeroplane. The plane is so tiny... not what I'm used to at all, but that's okay, I'm not concerned about my surroundings for the next couple of
hours - what I'm concerned about is what's going to happen when I get there.
Oh crap... what am I doing to myself?

I sit back and close my eyes, hands on the bump as the plane fills up and we begin to taxi. This is it... I'm on my way to LA again. I think about what'll happen when I arrive - shall I go straight to his? Shall I go to Gemma's first to dump my bags and give her a big cuddle? She has no idea that I'm on my way.

If I go to hers, it'll just delay it - I don't think I can handle the nerves for any longer than is absolutely necessary. Daniel told me just before they went through to the departure lounge, that a car will be waiting for me, to take me wherever I go and that I could use it however and whenever I need to, which is fantastic. It means I can just do whatever I need, without relying on Gemma to change her plans to accommodate me.

Daniel is an amazing person... he'd never leave Bea in this mess, but then again - he doesn't have the issue that Luke has, whatever it is. Does he? I mean who knows, it's all a great mystery. Hopefully in a few hours, I'll get some answers, if he doesn't send me packing the minute he sees me.

My stomach is in knots, Wriggler is moving around like mad in there and I'm starving but I just couldn't eat a thing. I have a bottle of water to sip and that's about all I can manage right now. The closer we get to LA, the tighter the knots get, the more I writhe in my seat with worry.

God, I hope he won't be annoyed with me, I hope I don't come across as some needy, stalker-like psycho. I just need answers... and to say a real goodbye. Maybe he'll need me to force my way in and do what has to be done, Daniel clearly thinks so or he wouldn't have bought me this ticket.
So sweet
, I'll have to pay him back for this somehow...
oh crap
, I didn't think about that.

A couple of hours later, we're landing. The journey was definitely a little more lumpy-bumpy on this little plane, I would not recommend Bea do this trip - she'd be climbing the walls. I'm at a place now, where I just want to get off this plane and straight to Luke's house to snog his face off... or get turned away... you know - whichever. Preferably not the latter.

I'm not used to getting into this airport from a domestic flight, but I manage to get to my bag as quickly as I can, through passport control and straight out to meet the driver who swiftly gets me packed up in the car. Wow... I'm actually on my way to see him. My stomach rumbles noisily and I wriggle around in the seat, desperately trying to ease the anxiety. It's not working.
Oh god.
I'm so nervous I could definitely use a toilet before we get there, I'm absolutely crapping myself.