Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (5 page)

When it comes to sexual histories, it doesn’t get more revealing than your roommate’s browser history.

Adam and Eve:

Testing Out the Equipment

Adam and Eve were created in God’s image with one unmistakable difference: genitals. God doesn’t have a penis or a vagina because frankly, He doesn’t need One. He exists in a state of constant orgasm infinitely more enjoyable than anything mere mortals can hope to experience (unless they’ve read this book). So when the Creator scooped a hole in Eve’s crotch, rolled the leftover material between His palms, and stuck the resulting fleshy cigar thing under Adam’s washboard abs, it was something of an experiment. Fortunately He couldn’t have picked two better scientists.

Contrary to rumors you hear in the church locker room, Adam and Eve did
not
get kicked out of the Garden of Eden because they had premarital sex. If anything, God encouraged them to make love, telling them to “be fruitful and multiply.” What got Adam and Eve two one-way tickets to Mortality Town was the fact that they got freaky.
Really
freaky.

Through easily concealed with a single leaf, Adam took comfort knowing his package was still bigger than God’s.

First they did it in the communal watering hole. Then they did it on the back of a dinosaur. Then they crafted a sex swing out of some vines and made the dinosaur watch. God could hardly believe His all-seeing eyes. He had created genitals for fitting nicely together, not for all this kinky shit (He may have even been a little jealous, not having a Mrs. God to fool around with). The final straw came when Eve fashioned a ball gag for Adam out of an apple God had specifically told them not to touch. Eve tried to tell Him she was just “being fruitful,” but He was in no mood for wordplay. Adam and Eve had gone too far.

Clothes Encounters of the First Kind

Leaves weren't the first things Adam and Eve grabbed to cover their all–of–a–sudden naughty bits.

Serpents

Bagels

Handwritten apologies

God cast His sexual guinea pigs out of the Garden. Even worse, He made them aware of their nakedness, and Adam and Eve shamefully covered the tingly bits they had once so proudly flaunted in front of the triceratopses. It would take thousands of years of sexual repression and guilty masturbating in the dark for intercourse to stop feeling “dirty.” Yet despite their crime against the Dickless Wonder upstairs and the eternal punishment it brought, Adam and Eve had scored a major victory for humankind: they had figured out that the wang-doodle goes in the hoo-ha.

Fertility Statues

Throughout history some of mankind’s favorite objects have been sex objects. Here are some of the most notable, ranked according to sexiness:

Venus of Willendorf

FERTILITY: 8.5

The stereotype-defying Phallus of Kyoto

FERTILITY: 9.2

Das Eisenwomb (The Iron Uterus)

FERTILITY: 2.5

Twelve-Boobed Cock of Katmandu

FERTILITY: 10.0

Brief History of Sex

PREHISTORIC ERA

200,000 BC: Men and women awkwardly congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

200,000 and one hour later BC: Men and women attempt sex for the first time. Women’s vaginas instinctively evolve hymens.

JESUS TIMES

0: Virgin birth sparks fears of getting pregnant from toilet seats.

33: Masturbation falls to all-time low given possibility of Jesus actually watching.

ANCIENT HISTORY

3500 BC: Enterprising women found world’s first profession 1100 BC: In Greece, nude wrestling plus copious amounts of olive oil inevitably leads to sodomy.