Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (2 page)

They say those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. But one pays an even bigger price for not being a good student of nature. Because
those who fail to learn from animals will never fuck like one.

The similarity to unicorns isn’t the only reason girls love ponies.

Asexual Reproduction

Too Good to Share

Before sex, life was a lot less complicated. So was making more of it. Single-cell organisms reproduced
asexually,
meaning “without humping.” There were no STDs, no stalkers, no erectile dysfunctions, and no lame bachelor parties with strippers jumping out of cakes you were really excited to eat. At parties, cells would simply slip into the bathroom and divide, then sneak out hoping no one would notice there were two of them. And even if they did,
nobody cared.
What happened in the primordial ooze stayed in the primordial ooze.

For a genre with so many graphic closeups,
asexual porn
does not come close to a turn-on.

Though convenient, asexual reproduction has its drawbacks, including: • No fucking • No sucking

• Limited variation from generation to generation, resulting in fewer genetic alternatives and decreased adaptability • Did we mention no fucking or sucking?

By definition, asexual reproduction is not as sexy as sexual reproduction. But what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in quantity. Some types of bacteria can double their numbers every twenty minutes-that’s like having repetitive joyless sex seventy-two times a day! For this reason, biologists have dubbed bacteria “Nature’s porn star.”

Even as life on this planet became more complex and infinitely more doable, some shy species continued having sex with themselves, each subsequent generation risking blindness and/or hairy palms in the name of survival.

Creatures That Produce Asexually (and why they do it)

Hammerhead Sharks Commitment issues	Komodo Dragons Devout Catholics
Some Snails Apartment too cramped to bring anyone back to	Aphids Penises so small sex isn’t worth the trouble

The Klama Sutra

The first treatise on sexual intercourse dates back to the Cambrian period, some five hundred million years ago. Discovered in present-day India, the Klama Sutra described dozens of sexual positions meant to enhance love making and spice up fizzling mollusk marriages.

The Muskrat

The Everlasting Knot

The Steamer

Downward-Facing Oyster

Cupid’s Handshake