Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (39 page)

I guess we should get back. But, um, that’s all
I
wanted to say to you.”
I
awkwardly fished for my tunic.

Well, that’s not what
I
expected. But it was perfect.” We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. And it was at that moment that a government chip floated past my face. I grabbed it in disbelief. I pressed it to my forehead just as Solar lunged for it.

Insider: Solar Armstrong. Meeting: Tomorrow, 8 AM. With: President. Subject: Illegal Gazellemo Facility I Leaked Military Secrets. Payment: Government Position Plus Double Ching. Status: Highly Classified.

It was my turn to shake. With rage. Before Solar could think of a lie I had already decoded my scythe pen and pushed it through his neck. It was easy to go for a jugular so visible under translucent skin. Before I pulled my pen out I paused to watch the life go out of his eyes. On the one hand I regretted destroying the person who made me feel something new. But on the other, I was feeling more like myself.

Photo Credits

Chapter 1

Author photo
: Gretchen LeMaistre.
Pony
: Duncan Hull.
Hammerhead sharks
: Kathy Wynn: DT.
Komodo dragan
: Nicholas Hinks.
Snail
:Petr Kovar.
Aphids
: R. Grabe.
Firefly
: Cathy Keifer: DT.
Grasshopper
:John Boyer.
Elephant Seal
: Luis Rock.
Saudi shiek
: Creative-marc: DT.
Salmon
: Dieter K. Henke: IS.
Raver
: Nicole S. Young: IS.
Men on Street
: Peeter Viisimaa: IS.
Bowerbird
: Nickolay Stanev: DT.
Squid
: Wksp: DT.
Michael Phelps, Sting, Martha Stewart
: AP.
Mudshark
: Greg Ampstman: DT.
Bonobo Monkey
: Michelle White: DT.
Pigeon:
Joachim Bar.

Chapter 2

The Creation of Adam
, Michelangelo Buonarroti; Vatican Museums and Galleries, Vatican City, Italy;
Adam and Eve
J. Urseline: Prlvate Collection: Photo © Bonhams, London, UK: BAL.
Venus of Willendorf
: Naturhistorisches Museum, Vienna, Austria : BAL.
Kinkaku-ji Kyoto
: Attila Jandi: DT.
Portrait of Lorenzo de’ Medici ‘the Magniflcent’:
Palazzo Medici-Riccardi, Florence, Italy: BAL.
Vitruvian man
:
IS. Bonnie and Clyde: AP.
Rosie the Riveter
: AP.
AIDS quilt
: Robert Pattinson: AP.
Giacomo Casanova,
Ismael Mengs: Prlvate Collection: Archives Charmet;
Portrait of the Marquis de Sade Surrounded by Devils:
Prlvate Collection: BAL.
Cleopatra:
IS.
Catherine the Great,
Johann Baptist Lampi;
Hermitage, St. Petersburg, Russia
;
Portrait of Emily Dickinson (1830-86) as a Child:
Prlvate Collection: BAL. Liberace: AP.
Wilt Chamberlain
: AP,
Madonna
: AP

Chapter 3

Cactus
: IS.

Chapter 4

Noah and the Dove,
Clive Uptton: Prlvate Collection: © Look and Learn: BAL.

Chapter 5

Background: Basslinegfx: DT (not included in epub).

Chapter 6

President Buchanan
: LOC. Nadya Suleman,
Bobsled
: AP.
Scarlet Macaw
: Kurt Raihn.
Barbados beach
: Gregory Runyan.
Sphinx
: Samantha Villagran.
Taj Mahal
: V Satya Ramachandran.
Taliban soldier
,
Kim Jong II
: AP.

Chapter 7

Hermaphroditus
: Marie-Lan Nguyen.
Playing Card Art
: Roberto1977: DT.
Boston Corbett
: LOC.
The Triumph of Pan,
Nicolas Poussin: Louvre, Paris, France / Giraudon BAL.
Statue of Dionysus
: IS.

Chapter 8

AIDS virus
: IS.
Self Portrait with Felt Hat
, Vincent van Gogh: Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam, The Netherlands: BAL. Henry the VIII: IS.
Knight
: IS. Eva Peran,
Bigfoot
, AP.
Hepatitis B
: Woodooart: IS.
Car
: Andrew Beierle. Prostitute: IS.
Sulking man
: Redbaron: DT.

Chapter 9

Bedroom Background
: Neha Agrawal: DT.

Key

AP: AP Images

BAL: The Bridgeman Art Library DT: Dreamstime.com IS: iStockphoto.com LOC: Library of Congress lllustration credits: Chapter opener illustrations:
giraffes
,
statue
,
Cupid's toolbox
,
Joycelyn Elders
,
couple in bed
,
lesbians
,
sexperts only
,
the dark side
,
future of sex
,
Wildo’s Retreat
: © Lisa Hanawalt.

Illustrations:
Bonobos
,
Enterprising woman
,
Necrophiliac
,
Female anatomy through history
,
Cleopatra
,
Hairy palms
,
role playing for one
,
sand whisper's map
,
Escape from the closet
,
Animal lover's
,
fetishes
,
stripper
,
prostitute
,
Ron Jeremy
,
Flacidopoly
,
comic
,
robosexter
,
STDs 2.0
,
sexually advanced brain
: © Michael Kupperman.

Augmentooming, 50: © Oguz Aral: IS.

Trademarks

Abercrombie® is a registered trademark of Abercrombie & Fitch Co. Atari® is a registered trademark of Infogrames, Inc. Banana Republic® is a registered trademark of Banana Republic (Apparel), LLC. Band-Aid® is a registered trademark of Johnson and Johnson. Big Mac® is a registered trademark of McDonald’s Corporation. Botox® Cosmetic is a registered trademark owned by Allergan. British Sterling® is a registered trademark of Dana. Cialis® is a registered trademark of Eli Lilly ICOS, LLC. Coke® is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company. Corvette® is a registered trademark of the General Motors Corporation. Craigslist® is a registered trademark of Craigslist. Crisco® is a registered trademark of the J.M. Smucker Company. Dictaphone® is a registered trademark of Dictaphone Corp. Dixie® is a registered trademark of James River Corporation. Filet-O-Fish® is a registered trademark of McDonald’s Corporation. Gap® is a registered trademark of Gap (Apparel), LLC. Glock® is a registered trademark of Glock, Ges m.b.H. Head & Shoulders® is a registered trademark of Procter & Gamble. Jacuzzi® is a registered trademark of Jacuzzi Inc. Jenga® is a registered trademark of Pokonobe Associates. Kellogg® is a registered trademark of the Kellogg Company. KFC® is a registered trademark of KFC Corporation. Land Rover® is a registered trademark of Land Rover North America, Inc. Levitra® is a registered trademark of Bayer Aktiengesellschaft and is used under license by GlaxoSmithKIine and Schering Corporation. MacBook® is a registered trademark of Apple Inc. McDonald’s® is a registered trademark of McDonald’s Corporation. Moog® is a registered trademark of Moog Inc. Nutella® is a registered trademark of Ferrero Spa. Old Navy® is a registered trademark of Old Navy (Apparel), LLC. Pop Rocks® is a registered trademark of owned by Zeta Espacial S.A. and is distributed by Pop Rocks, Inc. Popsicle® is a registered trademark of Unilever. Ray’s Original Pizza® is a registered trademark of USA Famous Original Ray’s Licensing Corp. SkyMall® is a registered trademark of SkyMall, Inc. Taser® is a registered trademark of TASER International, Inc. Tupperware® is a registered trademark of Tupperware Brands Corporation. Twister™ is a trademark of HASBRO. Velero® is a registered trademark of Velero Industries B. V. Velveeta® is a registered trademark of Kraft Foods Holdings, Inc. Viagra® is a registered trademark of Pfizer Inc. Virgin Atlantic® is a registered trademark of Virgin Atlantic Airways Limited. Walkman® is a registered trademark of Sony Corporation.

Apologies
RICH
would like to apologize to his parents, his sister, and his extended family for making the Blomquist family name forever synonymous with a book of boner jokes. Sorry to Jon Stewart and my second family at
The Daily Show
for not sharing my sexual wisdom all these years. Deepest regrets to Robert Smigel for crying on the job. Sorry to Brett Harrison for stealing his best boner jokes. Apologies to Rob and Nancy if their son Charlie learns about sex from this book. Sorry to The Pony Bar for drinking all their beer.

KRISTEN
would like to apologize to her family, especially the males. Sorry to Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie if this makes them feel more uncomfortable than usual. Sorry to Lee and Laura Unkrich for creating something not suitable for their incredibly adorable children. Sorry to Stanley Kaufman for going more blue than he or I thought possible. Sorry to Kurt Braunohler for being too busy to write shows because I was brainstorming new ways to say “thrusting.” Sorry to Isaac Horn for spelling his name wrong.

RICH AND KRISTEN
would like to apologize to Michael Morris for making him draw so many penises. Apologies to Michael Kupperman for making him draw even more penises. A thousand sorrys to Christina Amini for depicting her beautiful baby as an STD.

Other Works by the Authors

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MAKE MCDONALD’S AT HOME

Enjoy everyone’s favorite fast food near the comfort of your own bathroom. Includes recipes for discontinued Items like the McBeak and Filet-O-Whale. Packet of secret McDonald’s Flavor Powder™ included to help you get started.