Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (33 page)

For those who find this concept somewhat appealing, but don’t want to deal with hard-core, we suggest starting with something that qualifies as sex kitsch. This could be renting an old copy of
Flesh Gordon
, where the hero battles the terrify-ing space penisaurous, or
Deep Throat
, a classic by any measure.

These dated videos are tame by today’s standards, but they will get your point across. Other old sex videos are a hoot because of the polyester pantsuits, high hairdos and leather passion pits. Porno titles can be funny on their own: How about such classics as
Phallus in Wonderland, Bimbo Bowlers from Boston,
Rookie Nookie
or
Sex Trek: The Next Penetration
? If you don’t know where to start, just check out the date on the box. Anything made in the sixties or early seventies will probably be a riot. If you’re scared to bring them up to the checkout counter, just casually mention to the clerk that you’re having a bachel-orette party. No one will bat an eyelash.

Let’s say you can handle something a bit racier. While
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lots of guys are turned on by watching two women making it together, he might think you’re trying to send him a message.

Ditto on anything else that you may not want to practice. Guys are pretty easy that way; if you show them something, they’ll think you want to do it, too. Choose what’s right for you. He’ll figure it out.

Okay, now you want to know when to introduce the video, right? We already told you that your VCR and monitor should be within prime viewing distance from the bed, and that a remote control is key. Prepare the videos in ascending order of sexiness. If it’s a guy you’ve known for a bit, just call him up, promise him beer or whatever, and tell him you want him to come over to watch some videos with you. If he asks what you’ve got, rattle off the list of titles. Be prepared for a moment of hesitation on the phone. Women don’t usually do this sort of thing. He may not believe you’re telling the truth, but tell him he’ll have to come over to find out for sure. He’ll be there before you can microwave the popcorn.

Suppose he’s a full-fledged boyfriend or husband. Get to a point in the evening where you’re both relaxed. You can have the videos all stacked up with one already in the VCR. Tell him you’ve prepared a surprise for the evening’s entertainment and ask him to join you on the bed. If you really want to make sure he gets the point and is having a good time, begin stroking Mr. Stiffy; he’ll be out to say hello before the opening credits are finished, and you won’t have to worry about another thing.

If the guy is someone you want to seduce after a date, your best bet is to have a naughty little video all queued up
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Go for the Gold Ring!

and ready to go when you get home. Just invite him in for a drink and casually turn on the VCR, or better yet, hand him the remote. Things will fast-forward in no time, and you’ll scoop up one more gold ring while riding his carousel.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Granted, men are probably somewhat more adventurous when it comes to trying new sex things. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to seem wimpy, because they watch more videos, or because men just experiment more with their own bodies. Have you ever asked a guy if he’s tried to give himself a blow job?

We don’t know and we don’t care. But the fact is that from time to time, even the most willing and playful partners are confronted with frustrating situations, or with requests to participate in something that they’re just not into. No matter what, they don’t like it, they don’t want it and they’re just not going to do it. That’s what this chapter is all about.

GRACE UNDER PRESSURE

Recently, Philip, a very proper gay friend of ours, said that lots of guys in his crowd were getting into golden showers, and that he had actually tried it. For those uninitiated into the lingo, that means tinkling on your partner. We could no more imagine him doing this than visualize him walking down the street buck naked with a calla lily stuck up his rump. But our inquiring minds did want to know, so we asked him to tell us how he dealt with this request.

It seems as though, in the early throes of passion, Philip’s fashion-model partner asked him to pee on him. Our friend said that the guy was incredibly hot, and if it made him happy, it really turned Philip on to please someone else with something so simple. “How could you do that without cracking up?” we asked. While Danny couldn’t stop laughing, Maggie asked if they at least got into the tub first.

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But we had to grant Philip one thing. Even though we thought this maneuver mixed up form and function, it certainly didn’t hurt anyone. Moreover, our friend adhered to the cardinal rule: maintaining grace under pressure.

Being able to keep your wits about you, say no, and still be sexually alluring is one of the hardest things to do. Perhaps that’s why some gay men are pretty up-front about identifying themselves in personal ads as “tops” or “bottoms.” We generally don’t like the idea of categorizing oneself into some kind of posture from which you can never break free, but we do believe in setting your own limits. On the other hand, a lover’s request should be considered—at least for a split second.

Flexibility is key whether you want to try something new, think about it for a while or bolt for the door. Equally important is what you say when the pressure gets to the point where you want to draw the line.

First, it’s important to consider the relationship. There are lovers who are keepers and others who make one very happy that answering machines exist. If your uptight banker husband thinks it would be really great to smear Nutella all over your private parts, we say, why not? Besides having to do an extra load of laundry, there’s nothing in this request that’s intrinsic-ally harmful, although we suggest that he might get tested for low blood sugar if it keeps up. Ditto for the musician boyfriend who wants to shave your pubic hair into the insignia of the artist formerly known as Prince. You might want to keep an eye on other things that could indicate that he’s gone off the deep end. The distinct line between kooky-kinky and a bona fide nutcase should be relatively easy to determine, especially if you’ve been with a guy for some time.

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In a split second, it’s up to you to determine what is or is not acceptable to you. We’ve already mentioned Danny’s incident with the vampire from Lancaster. Quiet and repeated murmurs of “no, please stop” did nothing to dissuade this toothsome terror, so Danny was forced to give him a butt in the head. On the other hand, our friend Laurie, a fashion merchandiser, was once handed a spatula by a guy she had dated several times. Initially she had no idea what to do with it. But after he plopped himself facedown on the bed, she quickly understood that he wanted to be spanked for being a very naughty boy. This didn’t turn her on in the least, but what he wanted was harmless, and she had a great story to tell everyone on the sales floor the next day.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT

If a long-term partner suggests something you’ve never done, but you think you can handle, we think he should be humored and given points for creativity. He’s probably just trying to spice things up a bit. Such things include dressing up in slut clothes, sex in the elevator, crotchless panties, shaving, talking dirty, playful tying up, blindfolds, spanking, vibrators, ticklers, edibles, rubber gloves and the like. These may seem odd to you, but all in all they are fairly banal and basically benign.

Ditto on role-playing his fantasies. Laurie is not the only friend who told us her partner wanted a spanking. And the number of stories from gay and straight friends who said their men wanted to tie them up with ties or scarves is too
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numerous to get into. Fantasy is fine as long as it doesn’t become the staple of your sex life. If he continues to insist on lassoing you with a rope and playing ride ’em cowboy, or that you are the fishy and he’s got to catch you with his big ol’

fishing pole, we recommend you reconsider the relationship.

In most of these situations, the crucial thing is to keep yourself from laughing. Just do what our friend Anthony did: Pretend that you are Princess Grace at a diplomatic dinner where you’ve just been served fried ants. Keep your compos-ure, indicate your tolerance for foreign customs, and try a taste.

Just don’t make the mistake of saying, “Wow, this is fabulous.

I’m going to get myself a ton of these to snack on every night.”

Who knows, his little request may be something you can learn to love. Once you’ve determined that this play is definitely not going to be held over, it’s a lot easier to smile sweetly and just say, “No, I don’t feel like it.” In relatively harmless situations, whether you deliver this line straightforwardly or in a coquettish drawl is purely a matter of personal style. The alternative is to suggest a different activity that may be equally fun. Few men of any persuasion would turn down an offer of a good blow job, for example, especially one from you after reading this book.

READ MY LIPS

If your long-term partner suggests something really odd, such as dripping hot wax on you, sex with the family dog or anything that involves kitchen cutlery, you have a different
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situation on your hands. “I don’t feel like it” is definitely not enough. “You must be kidding” is inappropriate because he probably isn’t kidding at all. “That’s not my thing” or “I don’t want to” are phrases that tell him you’re not going along for the ride. Your facial expression and style of delivery are important. Start politely, but progress to a sterner “no” if you have to. Your best bet is to stop something before it starts. If he continues to come at you with a meat cleaver, that’s your cue to leave.

Sometimes even long-term partners can conjure up stuff that goes against your grain. If you don’t want to be hand-cuffed, have sex with his best friend, have beads put up your bottom, or hook up with another woman while he watches, just say no. If he pouts, says you’re too conservative, or tries to force you to do something you don’t want to, tell him, “Lay off.”

DANCE WITH A STRANGER

Casual liaisons are another story. Sometimes the situation is humorous and sometimes it’s not. When our friend Anthony was a young man, new to the Philadelphia gay scene, he found himself at the palatial Main Line home of a well-known, blue-blooded gentleman. They had begun making out, undressed, and instead of heading for the bedroom, the guy marched him into the butler’s pantry. Handing Anthony several cans of peaches, he said, “Throw these at me.” Anthony didn’t have a clue whether he was supposed to open the cans first or not.

Figuring that the guy preferred sweet syrup to cold cans, Anthony opened the peaches and

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artfully aimed them so that the guy was decked out with a pair of peach epaulettes and a tasty tam-o’-shanter. Mr. Blue Blood was so taken with Anthony’s savvy solution that he took him to Savannah for a weekend, where they achieved peach perfec-tion.

Use your own good judgment about getting yourself involved with anything or anyone you’re unsure of. Paul, another friend of ours, met a guy on the Internet, and they agreed to meet for a drink at what, unbeknownst to Paul, turned out to be an S and M bar. Even though he felt out of place, he was somewhat intrigued by the floor show, especially since, on that night, they were hosting what we can only describe as an S and M Tupperware party. When his date started sampling the merchandise, Paul decided this was one on-line application he needed to exit.

EXIT STAGE LEFT

This brings us to another point. If you’re at his place, you can leave. Gay men know to always have cab fare handy in case things don’t turn out as planned. Our friend John was in bed with a guy he really liked when all of a sudden there was a loud thump outside the patio door. An odd enough sound, considering that they were in a third-floor apartment, but even odder when John realized the noise was the guy’s ex-boyfriend landing on the deck after scaling an outside wall. The spurned ex started pounding on the door and shouting all sorts of mean, unprintable things at John. Armed with cab fare and a quick stride, John was out the door in less than a minute.

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Similarly, Maggie was once fixed up on a date with a prominent architect who invited her to his country house for the weekend. Wisely, she made a point of meeting him there in her own car. Things were going really well until he put his hands around her neck and started choking her. When she pried his hands loose and flipped him off of her, he told her she was weird because his former wife loved it. As she put on her clothes, Maggie told him that it wasn’t her idea of a good time, and got out of there—fast.

If a guy’s at your place, you may have a problem on your hands. Perhaps a bit overimpressed by appearances, a friend of ours invited this Harvard grad back to her place and they started fooling around. Curiously, the same hands around the neck thing happened, but this guy wouldn’t leave. He got so angry that he threw an ashtray and shattered a full-length mirror. Our friend kept her wits about her, scooped up his clothes, tossed them out the door, and locked herself in the bedroom to call 911. Lucky for him, he was gone before the cops arrived.