Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (32 page)

As they lived in a section of the city where one couldn’t walk a single block without running into an acquaintance, they let their fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages, jumped into the car and headed out to the uncharted anonymity of a suburban shopping area, to a place called Pleasure Treasures, for their exhilarating shopping spree.

Feeling very naughty, they walked past the titty mugs, the rolling papers and bongs, the penis pasta, and the NO MUFF

TOO TOUGH T-shirts. They briskly bypassed the leather-and-chain section and headed straight for the vibrators. Somewhat overwhelmed by the assortment, they nervously purchased two cheap plastic penis-shaped, battery-operated things, and raced back out to the car.

They eagerly opened their prized purchases and giddily
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inserted the batteries to test out their new toys. Checking out the various speeds, they pored over the instructions and poked and prodded each other, nearly knocking their coffees out of the car cup holders. Oblivious to passersby and giggling like two schoolgirls caught passing notes in class, they were having big fun until a loud, determined knock on the window scared the living daylights out of them. They both screamed, tossing up their toys in fear. One vibrator rolled safely out of sight onto the floor, while the other one did a half-gainer right into the coffee, pirouetted just enough to splatter the front seat and our friends, and bit the dust. What a mess, and all for naught; it turned out the man at the window only wanted their parking space.

In fact, the model our two friends purchased may be fine for solo acts, or for performing in front of an audience, but it’s definitely not the apparatus of choice for duos. Very few men—gay or straight—are going to be turned on by a molded plastic facsimile of the real thing. Some might wonder whether it’s a replacement for them or, worse yet, they’ll start compar-ing it to themselves—inch by inch.

GOOD VIBRATIONS

Instead of the cheapie versions like our friends purchased, we suggest other models that are safer and more powerful, and can be manipulated with greater ease. While the plug-in varieties will require you to stay in the proximity of an electrical outlet, you can always get an extension cord if your activities take you away from the bedroom. What’s

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more, they have variable speeds, which allow different folks different strokes, and are a quick fix if you’re all alone on a Saturday night, too. The Panasonic Panabrator and the Hitachi Magic Wand both have knobs at the end of a longish handle.

Our straight friend Brett, with years of experience under his belt, preferred the latter. Another model curves around for easy access to your partner, but we can’t say we know anyone who’s ever used this. If you’re feeling squeamish about shopping for toys, most of these models are usually available in many chain stores such as Wal-Mart, CVS and Rite-Aid.

Vibrators can be soothing or stimulating, depending on where you put them. We’ve already mentioned the benefits of massage in chapter 4. If he seems like the type who likes to be in control, hand him the baton and let him conduct a foreplay symphony on you. He’ll be turned on by your moans and groans of ecstasy. You can reciprocate by putting the knob close to his taint during your manual or oral activities; just remember to keep the speed low or else he may buzz right off the bed. During intercourse, the best way for both of you to enjoy one is to position the vibrator on your pubis while the guy is inside you. That way, you both get a buzz at the same time. If you’re on your stomach during intercourse, try putting the vibrator beneath you for the same effect. The weight of your bodies will keep it in place. If you’re face to face, it’s easier for the person on the bottom to hold the vibrator between you. One imaginative friend of ours has a beeper with him at all times for his real estate business. He found that by setting the beeper to silent vibration, he could have a party in his pants all by himself. He also claims that

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the beeper was the perfect size to slip between him and his girlfriend.

A friend of ours gave us one of those “discreet” catalogs with all kinds of sex toys we’d never even imagined. Our eyes wide with wonder, we stayed up late into the night poring over this catalog of erotic inventions. With everything from Delay Spray to something called the Clitterrific, we were both fascinated and amused. They even had dildo replicas of famous porn star penises. We figure that if you want to strap on one of these, you’ll know where to find it. While you’re at it, maybe you should seriously consider your sexual orientation. And if he wants you to use one of these on him, our advice is to say

“so long” right now. It’s only a matter of time until he goes out searching for the real thing.

RING AROUND THE ROSY

Most women and straight guys know very little about the next toy worthy of mention—the cock ring. When one of Maggie’s girlfriends worked in an upscale jewelry store in Massachusetts, these were available for purchase, and were sometimes engraved to give as gifts. The last time we checked, however, Tiffany & Company didn’t have any out in their display cases.

So if you want one, you’ll probably have to go your local sex store.

The purpose of these rings is to keep Mr. Stiffy stiff for a longer period of time. Some guys swear by them, but agree the ring is used mostly for special occasions. If you haven’t been dating someone for a while, or if you plan to use this on
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the delivery boy, be forewarned. He may be shocked, begin to sweat, and remember that he has to go somewhere at just that very minute. Worse yet, he may feel intimidated because he has no idea of what to do with it. This toy is better for couples who have been together for a while, and who feel pretty secure about trying new things. If this sounds like your situation, you won’t have any trouble introducing new toys. Hand him a small box tied with a satin ribbon. This is a subtle, ladylike way of making the suggestion without ever having to utter a word. His response when he opens the box will tell you what to do next.

You might imagine that this is like playing ring toss over the pole. In fact, Danny used to think that they went over the shaft only, and was surprised to learn otherwise. Despite being informed, and roundly ridiculed that he was quite wrong, he still maintains that this can be just as satisfying, and was pleased to discover that good old Master Tung-hsuan was fond of that usage, too. There are three types of cock rings—leather, rubber and steel—but they basically function in the same way.

The guy has to put both his penis and his testicles through the ring. It goes without saying that this is much easier to do when he’s soft; it probably couldn’t even be done when he’s hard.

In the same way that most women prefer putting in a dia-phragm in private because of all the contortions that are necessary to get it in place, the application of the cock ring is generally done beforehand and alone. But if he’s into it, and once it’s on, he’ll feel very proud of himself, and may start strutting around like a rooster.

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Some gay men like to wear a cock ring all day long. The idea is that it’s mildly stimulating and is also supposed to make a man’s box look bigger and more alluring. One friend of ours decided to wear one while shopping in the city one day. Maybe he thought that he was Jumbo the elephant, or maybe he didn’t realize how cold it was outside, but when a cold wind blew up his pants, the darn thing wriggled right off and fell down his trouser leg. Hitting the pavement with a distinctive and embarrassing clink, the ring rolled into the street and was run over by a succession of cars, trucks and buses. Needless to say, Jumbo the elephant turned into Charlie the chicken, and our abashed friend took off faster than a bat out of hell.

Steel cock rings do come in sizes, which is another reason to use them with someone you know well. Guys don’t want to find an assorted variety of rings clanging around in your nightstand drawer. You can tell by experience whether he’s small, medium or large, so choose accordingly. Most men would prefer that the sizes be large, huge, and humongous.

An important thing to remember is that it shouldn’t be too tight, otherwise you can do some serious damage. The leather varieties come with adjustable snaps, ties and even Velcro; but these can get pretty skanky and be a real turn-off, especially if he thinks you’ve used this with lots of guys before him. Another word of caution here. If he likes these so much that he goes out and gets himself a leather band with weights attached, he’s primed to look for “rough trade” of the variety that’s probably not of your gender.

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BOTTOMS UP!

This brings us to a category of toys that are inserted up one’s behind. You either like them or you don’t. We’re sure thousands of viewers remember one episode of
The Newlywed Game
on television. The host, in his inimitably cheerful and patronizing way, asked the contestants, “Where was the strangest place you ever made whoopee?” Two wives gave predictable answers, but the third said, “That’d be up the butt, Bob.”

If you’re not sure whether or not your partner would be into this, test the proverbial waters by gently inserting a lubricated finger before trying anything else. If he mumbles “um-m”

rather than “ugh,” he likes it, and it may be time to go shopping at the sex store again. Butt plugs, as they’re known in the gay world, come in all sorts of varieties. The most agreeable ones are relatively narrow, flexible, have a rounded top, are covered with latex, and have some mechanism for easy removal. We’ve heard that there are battery-operated varieties that have been affectionately called tush ticklers, but we have the same reservations about these as we do about battery-powered vibrators.

Batteries can corrode, explode, and conk out at the most inop-portune moments.

Maggie was once staying at the home of a boyfriend who had yet to firmly commit to his sexual preference. He was sleeping with her, but she sensed he was probably gay. In the middle of a late-night bathroom run, she discovered there was no more toilet paper left on the roll. Sleepy-eyed, she foraged in the cabinet beneath the bathroom sink looking
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for more paper, and was quite surprised to find a greased-up travel toothbrush holder. Maggie immediately tiptoed down-stairs and called Danny for advice at 2 A.M. We sort of guessed what it was used for, but were certainly surprised to find it lubed up and ready to go. Danny told her to put it back and never mention it again. We affectionately remember this as one of the incidents that cemented our friendship.

Do not, under any circumstances, poke something up someone’s behind that might get lost. Do not, under any circumstances, poke something up there with a pointed end. It goes without saying, do not poke anything up there that you wouldn’t want poked up you! And remember, a little lubricant is key here.

CLIP TIPS

While we pretty much covered nipples in chapter 4, there’s another little apparatus that might appeal to you and your partner. Nipple clips can be purchased separately or as a pair attached by an eight-to-ten-inch rubber cord. These basically serve the same function as squeezing someone’s nipples hard.

Some guys like it; some don’t. The sensation of lying on your back, with erect nipples squeezed, while your partner goes down on you can be quite delicious as long as pleasure doesn’t turn into pain. Those who prefer the clips with a cord usually like to yank them off in one fell swoop. That seems a little scary to us, but as always, it’s a matter of preference. You may be a little nervous about making the formal introduction of nipple clips to your part-123

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ner. You may want to take them out of your bedside drawer, and suggest that he tenderly place them on you one by one. If he looks at you like you’re a freak, just murmur in a hot, breathy voice that you have really sensitive nipples. You can put them on yourself if he’s not into it. After he sees how much you like it and how harmless they are, he’ll probably be much more willing to have you try them on him. It goes without saying that these should be gently removed before you move into any seriously acrobatic acts.

BETTER LIVING THROUGH TELEVISION

It always amazes us that many women overlook videos—one of the easiest and most accessible devices to turn guys on. You can be squeamish about other devices because you don’t want to purchase them, or because you’re not into toys; but there’s absolutely no reason in this day and age to feel the slightest embarrassment about getting videos. Unless you’re in the Bible Belt and the only video store is Blockbuster, almost every video rental place has a section or a room for adults only.

Another one of our informal scientific polls showed that women are more turned on by reading sexy stories than by watching people have sex. Men love to watch. If you don’t believe us, think about all those porno theaters and twenty-four-hour peep-show booths that stay in business year after year. Someone’s got to patronize them. Nowadays, even the most sophomoric bachelor parties steer clear of live entertainment, whether it’s a babe in a big cake or a visit to a
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brothel. The modern-day alternative is for the guys to get loaded and go back to someone’s place to watch videos.

The beauty of video is that you can choose from just about a zillion titles featuring every sexual fantasy you can think of.

You can also preview them alone and at your leisure, in the privacy of your own home. This is where it’s really important to choose the right stuff for you. If you think something’s gross, then watching it with him won’t do much for either of you. If you’re adventurous, go ahead and see what you like. He’ll be so amazed that you did this that he’ll be happy with whatever you choose.