Sex Made Easy (24 page)

If you and your partner aren't having sex and you're unhappy about this, you absolutely must talk to your partner about it. If your partner is happy not having sex and you're not, ask your partner if he or she is willing to see a sex therapist together with you. Even if his or her goal isn't to ever have sex with you again, it's worth trying to see if there is some way you can reconnect or even restructure your relationship.

For example, some couples agree that it is unlikely they will ever have sex again but decide to stay together because they love each other, want to be together, and want, perhaps, to continue raising their children together. If one person has completely lost interest in having sex, however, that person sometimes gives their partner the green light to seek sex elsewhere. This doesn't work for all couples but it is one way some couples manage this difference and stay together. Other times, if one person has decided they're not interested in sex at all—and the other feels sex is important to them—they decide to part ways and separate or divorce. I recommend meeting with a sex therapist and/or couples therapist before separating, as often a relationship/marriage can indeed be saved.

On the other hand, if your partner wants to have sex again too—and you just aren't sure where to begin—simply go for it. Try and try again. Commit to each other that you will try, even if the sex is awkward and fumbling at first. You are in this together and want to be back to wherever you were before in your sex lives (you know, when you used to have sex). You might try having sex together after sharing a bottle of wine. Or sign up for a weekend sex therapy workshop retreat together. You might even start seeing a sex therapist on a regular basis. If you're open to reading a book on the topic, check out
Passionate Marriage
by Dr. David Schnarch, one of my favorite books for rekindling passion within long-term relationships. If you and your partner worry that you are a lost cause, let me reassure you: I know of couples who have gone fifteen years or more without having sex
even once and they have been helped by a good sex therapist. It is absolutely possible to get your sex life back whether it's been eight months, two years (and two kids), or fifteen years or longer. Go for it.

An occasional instance of “duty sex” isn't so bad. In fact, a number of women and men sometimes have sex when they don't feel like it for the simple reason that their partner feels like having sex and they want to do something nice for their partner. Plus—as an added bonus—sometimes people get into sex once they start kissing and hugging and touching and then start thinking, “This is fun! I'm glad I went for this.” Win-win.

There's a difference between sensing your partner wants to do it and saying “sure” and feeling pressured or guilted into sex you don't want. If you feel like your partner is pressuring you to have sex when you've made it clear that you don't want to, call him or her on it. Say something like, “I'm feeling pressured to have sex with you right now, which I don't like. Let's take a step back for a minute” or “I'm sure you're not trying to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex right now, but it feels that way.”

If you notice that you're frequently not feeling into sex, don't gloss over what could become an issue for your relationship. Ask yourself what's going on and what your reasons are for not wanting to be sexual with your partner. Are you feeling tired? Misunderstood? Overworked or ignored? As if your partner doesn't “see you” or “get you”? Talk with your partner about whatever it is you're going through so that he or she doesn't feel flat-out rejected, unloved, or unattractive as a result of you not feeling in the mood for sex. Read more detailed how-to suggestions and exercises for learning to say yes to sex you do want and no to sex you don't in
Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.

Easy! Modern technology has given you multiple options for nonhormonal birth control. Condoms are a great birth control option. They're
affordable, and, as long as you're not allergic to the materials they're made with, there are no side effects to condom use. Condoms are also a wise option for people who are even slightly concerned about STI risk, such as if your partner has an STI (such as herpes or HPV) and you want to do whatever you can to reduce your risk of getting it—even if you know condoms can't provide 100 percent protection. It's also smart to use condoms with a partner if there's a chance that you or he/she might have sex with someone else, like if you're in that hazy phase of not being entirely certain how trustworthy your partner is or whether you're totally exclusive with one another.

If you're not worried about STI risk (for example, if you and your partner have been tested for STIs together and are comfortable with each other's STI status), you can use the withdrawal (pulling-out) method, which can work well as long as your partner is super good about pulling his penis out of your vagina before even a drop of semen spurts out of his penis. If he's not so good at that, why not use condoms plus withdrawal, thus increasing the odds that you two will be well protected from pregnancy?

There are other birth control options available for women and men who aren't worried about STI risk and who don't want to use a hormonal method of birth control. Ask your health care provider for more information about the cervical cap, a barrier device that's fitted over the cervix to keep sperm from swimming through the cervix and into the uterus and fallopian tubes to find a waiting egg. You can also talk to your health care provider about intrauterine devices (IUD). IUDs are put into place by a woman's health care provider and offer long-term birth control.

It happens. Sometimes, no matter how well two people communicate, one of them can't seem to put what they're hearing into practice. Your partner may be very clear that you prefer light tongue flicks that continue, uninterrupted, at a fast pace. However, maybe he's prone to a sore jaw. Or maybe he gets bored and is more turned on by long, slow licking of your vulva. Who knows? The point is that some folks don't do what one hopes, sexually speaking.

There's no real “easy” solution to this one. You can try—once again—to teach your partner what you like. If you go this route, try to compliment them on something they do well (Maybe they're a good kisser? Or they have a great way of stimulating your G Spot during vaginal sex?). After you've offered up a compliment, try saying something like “I think I would really be turned on by a little tweak to our oral sex play. Do you think you might try . . .” and then say what it is you're hoping that he or she will do. It may take demonstrating your licking or kissing or nibbling technique on his hand. You may find it helpful to practice a few times for the sake of fun, without any intention of it being a “real” sex session that results in an orgasm. Sometimes it's a good idea to simply explore sexually and learn what each other likes.

The challenge (and why this is not exactly an “easy” solution) is that your partner may feel offended. Their feathers may be ruffled over the idea that they're not giving you the amazing oral sex they thought they were giving. And if that's the case, there's not a lot you can do about it. This is a good reason why it's sometimes helpful to have these kinds of sex talks sometime when you are not about to have sex, in the midst of sex, or have just finished sex. Try talking about your sex life sometime when you're away from the bedroom and sitting around chatting, eating, or hanging out. Too few people talk about sex openly with their partner and it can do a world of good to try it.

Finally, you may have to face the fact that your partner cannot deliver the exact technique you want. That's humanity for you! We're all people and none of us is perfect. Try to widen the scope to include a range of sex acts that have major pleasure potential. It's not fair to insist that your partner has to get this one thing right when there are many other things that they could be doing well.

If you've somehow had unprotected sex—maybe because it was the heat of the moment and you forgot, or maybe because a condom broke or you realized too late that you had missed a few of your birth control pills—you may be able to take emergency contraception (EC), also known as the
“morning-after pill.” EC is most effective when taken within three days, or seventy-two hours, of unprotected sex. Note: if a woman is already pregnant, EC will not end or terminate the pregnancy—it is not an “abortion pill”; rather, EC can only reduce the likelihood of pregnancy occurring by preventing a woman from ovulating and making it more difficult for a fertilized egg to implant itself into the uterus.

If it's likely that you're pregnant, you may want to explore your options, which include terminating the pregnancy (abortion—call local clinics to learn more about this), adoption, and raising the baby. If you choose to continue with your pregnancy (whether you ultimately put your baby up for adoption or raise him or her), it's a very good idea to start prenatal health care as soon as you realize that you are pregnant. Your health care provider can talk with you about healthy pregnancy, including what you need to know about nutrition, exercise, abstaining from alcohol, quitting smoking, health care visits, and caring for your own health and that of your growing baby.

If it turns out that you are not pregnant, you might want to reassess how you feel. If you and your partner are not ready to become parents and feel relieved that you are not actually pregnant, you may want to look into using effective methods of birth control (visit
www.plannedparenthood.org
for information about contraceptive methods such as the birth control pill, patch, shot, and ring). If you are sort of sad or disappointed that you are not pregnant, you may want to ask yourself if you're in a different place in life than you perhaps realized. If you think you might be ready to become pregnant, talk with your partner about this possibility, as well as your health care provider, so that you can aim toward a healthy future pregnancy.

Urge your partner to see a sleep specialist. Many people who act out sexually during their sleep (such as masturbating oneself or trying to have sex with another person, and then not remembering any of it the next day) have a sleep disorder that is causing or contributing to this behavior. This is sometimes referred to as “sexsomnia.”
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It's important to be checked out by a health care provider for several reasons. For one, your partner may not even realize they have poor sleep quality. They may often feel tired, irritable, or grumpy and not know why. If it turns out that they have a sleep disorder that can be treated, then better sleep for everyone may be just around the corner; the middle-of-the-night sexual advances might disappear too, helping you get sounder sleep as well. Another reason to seek treatment is that acting out sexually during sleep can challenge some relationships. You may feel scared or angry to wake up one night and find your partner on top of you attempting sex. Another risk is that, if left untreated, some people have been known to attempt to have sex, or to forcibly have sex, with others as part of their “sexsomnia” episodes. So even if it doesn't bother you or your partner, it may be a good idea to mention it to a health care provider.

O
ver the past decade, sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, and penis rings (also called c-rings, cock rings, and condom rings) have become very mainstream. Sex toys are no longer the purview of dimly lit adult bookstores frequented only by men. They can now be found in drugstores, women's in-home parties, high-end sex boutiques, medical offices, and on websites. As you'll see throughout this chapter, though, it hasn't always been an easy ride.