Sex Made Easy (23 page)

N
ow it's time to talk about a topic that I find is rarely openly discussed: the experience of being attracted to, or developing a crush on, someone other than the person you're in a relationship with. While it's somewhat expected that people who are casually dating are checking out and comparing their options (mentally assessing whether the person they're dating is a better or worse potential mate than their cute coworker), an awful lot of silence falls around this topic for people who are in serious relationships or who are married. But being in love and committed to a partner, or married to them, doesn't preclude having feelings for other people.

This isn't even necessarily about cheating. It's about taking an honest appraisal of the experience of being human. Living with someone or wearing a ring around your finger doesn't mean that you stop noticing other
people. Sure, some people do. But most women and men that I hear from in my research and in my classes will describe having been attracted to, or romantically interested in, someone other than their partner; they just don't often talk about it openly for fear that they will be judged or that their partner will feel insecure or threatened or worry that they will cheat. Then again, some people have relationships in which they and their partners can openly and honestly talk about having crushes on other people or fantasizing about what it would be like to have sex with someone else. And some people have open relationships in which they can and do have sex with others.

In one research study, a colleague and I asked women who had been in long-term relationships whether or not they had had a crush on someone other than their partner, or if they'd been sexually attracted to someone else such as a friend, former partner, coworker, or even a celebrity. Many women shared their stories with us. Among their stories were Facebook flirtations, coworkers they wondered about, attractive people they noticed in passing, friends, and exes.

Some of these experiences are ones that the women in our study seemed to identify as fleeting and not necessarily as threats to their relationship. One woman, for example, wrote,

Although many women kept their attractions secret and didn't mention anything to their partner, some women wrote about being able to talk openly with their partner about their attractions:

Several women, including this one, wrote about attractions that were based on online interactions with offline implications:

There are also, of course, women who experience their attractions as something they might take a step further. Some women wrote about realizing that they wanted to have sex with another person, or that they might be vulnerable to cheating on their partner if they let themselves be alone with the person they felt attracted to or had a crush on. Others seemed to be actively considering opportunities to have sex with someone else, such as this woman who wrote,

And in some cases, women wrote about the damage caused by their attractions and by their actual affairs:

However, not all of the “explored attractions” that have resulted in sex with another person have been damaging. For some women, experiencing
attraction to another person led them to reconsider what they wanted and to talk about it with a partner. One woman wrote,

There are no hard and fast rules about feeling attracted to, or sexually or romantically interested in, someone other than your partner—and there is very little scientific research on the topic outside of all-out affairs. If you find yourself crushing on or fantasizing about someone else, you may find it helpful to know how other women manage their feelings so you can sort out the best path for yourself. Aside from having an affair, some women manage their crushes by:

• Trying to distance themselves from their crush

• Making sure they aren't alone with the other person

• Making sure they aren't drunk around the other person

• Not giving it a second thought, with the expectation that the feelings will pass

• Masturbating

• Fantasizing about the other person, but with the knowledge that it's only a fantasy and nothing they are pursuing in real life

• If the crush is someone they used to date, reminding themselves that they broke up for a reason

• Having frequent sex with their partner so they don't feel extra desire for the other person

• Writing a letter to the person and then throwing it away

• Being open and honest with their partner about the feelings

• Talking with their partner about opening up their relationship

Having a crush on another person is a common, human experience—even when you are madly in love with your partner. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that your relationship is doomed. However, it may not be an “easy” experience for you to deal with depending on the depth of your feelings for this other person. Hopefully, hearing other women's stories and thinking about the many options available to you will be helpful as you work to figure out the best path for you and your partner.

This typically isn't about anything “wrong” with your body. Rather, you may simply be very aroused and thus producing lots of vaginal lubrication that has decreased friction and thus decreased sensation. Or, if you've added store-bought lubricant to the mix, perhaps you've added too much. No worries: grab a soft towel or use the sheets and dab your genitals, and possibly your partner's genitals, and then resume sex. It should feel tighter and like you can “feel” more. If there are no sheets or towels nearby and your partner is a man, you can sometimes use your hand to rub his penis up and down (like you're giving him a hand job) as a way to dry his genitals (any wetness from your vagina that was left on his penis will come off on your hands and mostly absorb into your skin). Again, sex should feel more sensation packed post–dry off.

This assumes, of course, that your male partner has an erect penis that is somewhere in the average or above average range. If his penis, even when erect, is quite small (say, in the one- to three-inch range) and thin, then you may not be feeling much because, well, there's not a whole lot to feel unless you have an extra small-sized vagina yourself; see
chapter 2
for more on sex with a man whose penis is on the small side.

If you never feel much during sex, mention this to your gynecologist or whichever health care provider does your GYN exams. Sometimes women who experience vaginal wall relaxation (often marked by genital prolapse) feel as though they've lost vaginal sensation during sex and don't feel much. Depending on how severe the prolapse is, your health care provider may
even recommend a surgical procedure that can improve any continence issues you may be experiencing (for example, peeing when you don't mean to pee or passing frequent or excessive gas). Sexual function, including vaginal sensation during sex, also often improves following these front-wall and back-wall repair surgeries for prolapse.

You may see creams or gels for sale that are marketed as vaginal “tighteners” or that promise to make you feel almost “virginal” again (referring to vaginal tightness). These often contain an ingredient that causes vaginal inflammation and/or dryness, which is why sex may feel tighter afterwards. I am not personally a fan of these substances because I generally feel protective of women's vaginas and the things that happen to them. However, I understand that there are many women who lack sensation during sex (for reasons related to prolapse or having a small-sized partner, for example) and who may choose to use such creams or gels. I support women's rights to make their own choices about their bodies—but I do want you to understand what these creams and gels do to the body so that you can feel more informed about your options.

Easy: if you're using water-based lubricant, dip your fingers into a nearby cup or bowl of room-temperature water that you've laid out ahead of time on your bedside nightstand and use it to rewet your or your partner's genitals. Water-based lube often absorbs into the skin but can be reawakened with a little water. Or you can simply add more water-based lubricant. It doesn't last very long, which isn't a big deal for most people's sex lives. However, some people spend a considerable amount of time in sex and may benefit from adding more lubricant from time to time for more comfortable, pleasurable, low-friction sex.

If you're not into the idea of having to frequently reapply lubricant, then the next time you anticipate spending a long time having sex, choose a silicone-based lubricant. Silicone-based lube lasts longer during sex. That said, it shouldn't be used with silicone-based products such as silicone-based contraceptives (like cervical caps) or silicone sex toys.

Join the club. If you stay with a partner long enough and make a relationship out of it, there are likely to be times in your lives when your libidos—or sexual preferences—don't exactly match up. Your partner might want sex once a week and you might long for it every day (or vice versa). Some people can go stretches of time without sex and others want it more often. Then there are all the other ways people sometimes want different things; for example, one person wants sex at night before going to sleep but their partner, who's more of a morning person, would rather do it first thing after waking up.

If you're mismatched in this way, it's not necessarily cause for alarm. You can work this out. If there's a significant gap in your sexual desires, you may want to ask yourselves whether you're both content to be monogamous or if you want to open your relationship in some way so that one or both of you is “allowed” to kiss other people or engage in some type of sex (e.g., oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex) with other people. There is very little research on open relationships and we don't know how common, or rare, they are, though they seem to be more common among gay male couples than heterosexual or lesbian couples (likely because, generally speaking, men tend to have higher sex drives and more permissive attitudes about sex). However, opening one's relationship—whether a little bit or a lot—is one way some couples manage mismatched libidos.

If you decide to stay monogamous (which many people do as well), you need to figure out a way to manage your libidos so that both partners feel like they won. If all you do is meet in the middle, both partners may feel as though they've lost a little. You might ask yourselves: Can the person who wants sex more often be content to make up for the difference with masturbation? Is the person who wants sex less often willing to, and interested in, making up the difference with oral sex, mutual masturbation, hand jobs, sex toy play, or heated makeout sessions? Does the person who wants sex less often have needs that are going unmet? Would he or she want sex more often if only there were more emotional intimacy, or a willingness to try new sexual things, or if their partner helped out around the house more? Thinking about these issues can help you and your partner figure out what
you can do to change your sex life for the better without pressuring one another to be something they're not.