Sex and Your Job Search 2013: A Guide to Scoring Your Dream Job (10 page)

• Position eliminated

Bad phrases include:

• Willing to discuss

• Ask me

• Terminated—caught sleeping

• Terminated—lesson learned

• Boss was on drugs

• Involuntarily quit (You mean fired?)

• Butter work environment (Watch for spelling errors.)

If there is a long explanation, wait to be asked during the interview.

When filling out an online application, this person wrote the following message instead of pasting in their resume, “Already on file at your company.”

Dude, I don’t know who the hell has your resume or which department you sent it to. Was it HR? Was it somewhere else? Thank you for showing me that you like to do as little as possible.

I’m not going to look for this person’s resume. It would be a waste of my time. You know what interests me more than looking for their resume? Popping a breath mint.

3.
Spell correctly.
In an episode of
The Simpsons
, Ralph Wiggum said something to the effect of, “Me flunk spelling? That’s non-possible!”

Actually, it’s easy for some people to spell incorrectly. Please allow me to be blunt. If you do misspell something, it’s like dropping the F-bomb on a first date or smelling like garlic. It’s not going to make you look very good. Yes, spelling
is
that important, especially when spellcheck is available.

Here is how to spellcheck an online application before you submit it: On a Mac, press the Apple key and “A” to select all you have entered so far, press the Apple key and “C” to copy it, and press the Apple key and “V” to paste it into a blank Word document. Look for the red squiggly lines under the misspelled words. Fix any misspellings.

On a PC, do Ctrl and “A” to select all, Ctrl and “C” to copy, and Ctrl and “V” to paste into a blank Word document before submitting it. Again, fix any spelling errors.

Truth be told, HR reps and hiring managers love spelling errors. It’s the Simon Cowell in us. They let us quickly reject an applicant while saying “dreadful” under our breath. And we move on.

Spectacular errors provide us with a chuckle. I can hear Simon’s voice in my mind saying: “That was absolutely terrible. One of the worst errors I’ve ever seen.”

Then we do like American Idol and The X Factor and put the contestant (applicant) in our blooper reel to share with our co-workers. You can find some below, for your education and entertainment.

Remember, presenting these common errors is done in the spirit of preventing you from making the same ones. The better you present yourself, the easier it is for us to select you.

Job Titles

• “Sales Ass.” The girl worked at well-known underwear store. Was she a mannequin?

• “Ass Manager” at a moving company. Was there a shake up?

• “Customer Information Assinsat.”
You sat in what?

• “Project Anal.” I know there is a period after “anal,” but
no
. Do not write, talk, or even think about anything “anal” during the job interview process.

• “Phel-bottomist.” That’s right, you just fell to the bottom of our list.

• “Certified Medical Ass” at Valley Medical Clinic. A wise guy, eh?

• “Manager Tranny.” I don’t want to know.

• “Hostest.” With the mostest I’m sure.

• “Admin Ass-itant.” I picture Mr. Furley from
Three’s Company
yelling, “If you can’t spell your job title, you can’t get hired!”

Degree

• “Diapolma.” Is that some sort of embolism? Are you having a heart attack?

• “Dimploma.” Like, he has such cute dimplomas?

City*

• “Coorna” instead of “Corona.” Don’t drink and apply for a job.

• “SBD.” Don’t abbreviate, I’m not the postmaster general.

*If you cannot spell the town or county where you live, I probably do not want to hire you. There are millions of other people who can spell their cities correctly. That’s like misspelling your last name —which I’ve seen several times.

Nature of Duties

• “Ass-ited customers.” Like lap dancing? Huh.

• “Costomer service.” Do you work in a Halloween store?

• “Codin.” You take Codeine at work?

• “PMS for Hotel.” I’m going to leave you alone for a bit.

Reason For Leaving

• “Elimin dated.” What? Were you eliminated from
The
Bachelor
or
The
Bachelorette
?

• “Prom-toed.” You step on people’s feet at work?

• “Action caused by dictator ex-spouse.” Sorry to hear that, but save the drama fo’ yo’ mama.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime other than a traffic infraction?

• “Patty theft.” Do you steal hamburgers?

• “Mister Meanor.” Oh the mister meanor is such a meanie.

Email Addresses

They say a lot about you. Create a new one solely for the job search and keep it professional. Like:

• Firstname.Lastname@...

• GreatHire2013@...

Hiring managers and HR look at these closely. Stay away from these horror stories:

• Hottynurse@...

• SmoothLover89@...

• Pimp1n@...

• Striptzzz91@...

• Buttholio@...

If you want to be creative, do something like this. A woman was applying for a phlebotomist position, and her email address was something like Love4Blood2012@. It was funny and worked because she draws blood for a living.

4.
Use normal capitalization.
Writing in all caps suggests an “I’m amazing” flamboyance and all lowercase implies a casual indifference.

Many hiring managers I work with have asked me to send “clean” applications. Anyone deviating from the norm is rejected. Recently I asked an applicant why she wrote the whole application in lowercase. She said: “I don’t know. I was doing it kinda fast I guess.” I asked her if she wanted advice. She said yes, and I talked with her a bit about what we look for. Then I rejected her “kinda fast.”

5.
Apply as soon as you see the job you want.
I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll say it again. In this job market, bigger companies can receive thirty to a hundred applications in less than twenty-four hours. If you delay, you may miss the boat.

6.
Watch your language.
In the literal sense, obviously don’t curse. But when they ask you what other languages you speak on the online application, I’d recommend not putting “English.” Also do not put “Ebonics.” True story.

A hiring manager’s concern is that you can communicate at work with your co-workers in English, or the required language(s) if you work as a translator. That is all you will be judged on.

COVER LETTERS

If a resume is a conversation starter, then a cover letter is that first joke or funny comment that gets both people to relax. When this happens, certain brain chemicals (neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin) are released and attraction begins. You
want
people to get excited about you in the job search, so writing a cover letter is a must.

There are literally thousands of examples of cover letters on the Internet. I’d recommend finding one you like and that best fits your situation. Then change the tone to match your voice and work history.

“Keep it real homie.”

When I saw this I thought to myself in a Simon Cowell voice, “Thank you. Good-bye.”

Listed below are a few cover letter guidelines.

• Address the cover letter to a specific person. Try really hard to get a name. If you cannot, address it to:

   - Dear Hiring Manager

   - Dear Human Resources

   - Dear Hiring Professionals

   - To Whom It May Concern

Avoid gender specifics like “Sir” and “Ma’am” or going the informal route with “Hi there.”

• Target the cover letter to the job you are applying for, just like the resume.

• If you have gaps in employment, focus on how your overall career has progressed.

• Mention how you heard about this opportunity.

• Research the company and their mission, vision, and values to better tailor the section on how you meet their needs. You will also use this information in the interview when they ask, “Why do you want to work here?” And, “What do you know about us?”

• Mention specifically how your skills meet the job requirements.

• Choose three to five shorter paragraphs over three really thick ones, making it easier to read. I rarely read thick paragraphs.

• Summarize your skills and how
you
can help
their company
, not how
they
can help
you.

“By faith, I am becoming one with god. Sincerely yours,”