Sex and Crime: Oliver's Strange Journey (30 page)

Over dinner, she told me about some of her
weirder experiences on POF. She said one guy asked her if she was
into taboo stuff.

"What do you mean by taboo?" she asked
him.

"You know, tabooooo," he replied
mysteriously.

"You mean like child pornography or
something?"

"Sex with dogs," he said with a sparkle in
his eyes.

As it turned out, he wasn't really looking
for a date for himself, but for his dog. He asked Maxine if she'd
like to have sex with his pitbull.

Apparently there's this whole big
underground dog sex fetish scene. Maxine told me that this guy said
there are dating websites out there that specialize in this sort of
thing. People post profiles for their dogs, and then other people
pick which dog they want to have sex with.

She told me that dogs can cum over and over
again, without needing a break inbetween, like men do. And she
described different dog breeds' penises to me.

"Uhmm, you know WAY too much about having
sex with dogs," I said.

"Oh, I just asked that guy a lot of
questions," she replied and laughed.

After dinner we went back to my place and
talked for hours. We were sitting on my living room couch, and
Maxine was smoking weed. She lived in Naples and managed some sort
of charity for low income families in Immokalee.

By 2 am she was so high, she said she
couldn't drive anymore. She asked if she could spend the night. I
said sure. We slept in bed together, but nothing happened.

The next morning she went home to change,
and then drove to Immokalee. On her way to work she texted me: "Why
didn't u try to have sex with me last night? R u not attracted to
me?"

"I didn't know u wanted me to," I
replied.

"Why do u think I spent the night in ur
bed?" she asked.

"I thought u really were too high to drive
home. I didn't want to take advantage of the situation," I texted.
Man, I felt like a dodo.

Later that day she texted me again: "R u an
ass man or a tit man?"

"What do u mean?" I texted back. Apparently
I'm a little slow sometimes.

"Do u get off looking at ass or tits? What
do you like better?"

"I like breasts. So I guess I'm a
breastman," I replied.

A few minutes later she texted me some
pictures of herself in her office. She wore a dark,
professional-looking business suit. Her white blouse was unbuttoned
and her bra was open. She was flashing her breasts at me.

I guess that shoulda really got me going,
but I was so no interested. I didn't even text her back. She was
just too damn weird.

A few weeks later, I met Flora on POF. She
was 35 and kinda heavyset. She had monster boobs. Not the porn star
kind. The ten ton tilly kind. She said she managed her own party
business. We went out to dinner at her favorite restaurant in
Naples.

Then she asked me to come over to her place
for dinner a few days later. She had a son. I think he was maybe 9
or 10 years old. She had told him all about me, before I
arrived.

At the dinner table, he suddenly asked her:
"Is Oliver going to be my new dad?"

Flora replied: "Well, Mommy and Oliver have
just met a few days ago, but we'll see how things go. Would you
like him to be your new dad?"

"Yeah, he's nice," her son replied.

She thought that was adorable. I thought it
was crrreepy.

After dinner she put her son to bed and we
talked on the couch for a while. She kept telling me that she
thought I was brilliant and amazing: "You're such an amazing
cartoonist. You are just so brilliant."

Did I mention she thought I was amazing and
brilliant?

She kept flattering me so much, I was
getting really uncomfortable. I guess I'm not very good at
receiving compliments, and she was laying it on really thick.

She invited me over again a few days later,
but I made some excuse. I really didn't feel like hanging out with
her and her kid.

We didn't talk to each other any more after
that, until we reconnected again a year or two later, when I was
going through some drama with my girlfriend Veronica. But I'll get
to that later.

So, when I reconnected with Flora again, we
hung out a few times. Usually at her place. She cooked dinner and
we watched a movie.

Then one day she texted me: "How come u have
never tried to have sex with me? Is it because I'm not
European?"

"I didn't know u were interested in that. I
thought we were just friends," I texted back.

The next time we met, she made sure I got
the hint. She talked about sex a lot that night. She told me she
had threesomes with some of her guy friends. And she told me she
met a guy online who was into cuckolding. She said that's when a
guy likes to watch his girlfriend have sex with another guy. I told
her that was not my cup of tea.

Then she asked me if I was into
breastfeeding. She told me she found a fetish website a few months
ago, and all the guys on there were into breastfeeding. She said
she joined the forum, and started talking to a guy from Alaska. A
few days later, after she sent him pictures of her ginormous
udders, he flew from Alaska to Florida to meet her for a wild
suckling session.

She said it was the most intense, most
erotic bonding experience of her life. She told me that he took
great care to pay attention to each nipple equally, to not favor
one over the other. And then he suckled on her clit for the grand
finale.

Then she asked me if I would like to suckle
on her breasts like an infant.

"Uhh, I'm not sure," I replied.

She got all emotional, and said: "You are so
brilliant, so amazing. I would be so proud if you were my son." She
teared up.

She had been drinking a lot that night, and
this was just getting too damn weird. I wanted to get outta
there!

She kept telling me how amazing and
brilliant I was, and how honored she would be to breastfeed me.

"Hmm. I'm hungry," I said. "I need a
snack."

"What do you want?" she asked. She probably
thought I meant I wanted some of her milk.

"What do you have? You know what, I'll go
take a look myself," I said, got up and walked into the kitchen. I
was going to check her cabinets, and pick something that she didn't
have, so I could pretend to go get it at the store. It was after
midnight by now, but there was a 24 hour Walmart just down the
street. I noticed she didn't have my favorite: Nutella.

"Hmm. I'm really in the mood for a Nutella
sandwich right now. Too bad you don't have any. I'm just gonna run
to Walmart real quick and grab some."

"Are you sure? It's late."

"Yeah, I'll be right back," I said, and
quickly exited her apartment.

I had seen comedies and sitcoms, where two
people meet on a blind date, and one of them pretends to go to the
bathroom and then ditches the other one. I always thought that was
so unrealistic. Nobody does that. Even if you have a bad date, at
least you finish your meal and say good night. Nope, tonight I
found out that sometimes people really do run away. I just did. I
literally ran away from a girl who wanted to breastfeed me.

While I was driving back to Bonita Springs,
she texted me: "R u coming back?"

I didn't respond.

A few minutes later she texted me: "Ur not
coming back, r u?"

Then a few minutes later: "REALLY?"

Then: "Wow. Seriously? WTF"

The next morning, she texted me: "I guess
I'll just never be pretty enough or skinny enough for u."

Aww. That made me feel so bad, because I
really hurt her feelings. I had been a real jerk. So I texted her
back: "No, it's not that. U were really drunk, and u know I don't
like being around drunk people. So I thought it was better if I
leave. I'm sorry."

I had brought over two DVDs the previous
night, because I really thought we were going to watch a movie
after dinner, not have her mammaries for dessert. A few days later
she texted me: "I don't hate u for leaving like that. I still got
ur movies. When do u want to come get them?"

I didn't reply. She could keep the
movies.

I was not a fan of Plenty Of Fish, after
meeting Maxine and Flora. I figured I might as well go back to plan
A, and see if I'd meet someone nice with my ad for a mutually
beneficial relationship.

"I can take any truth; just don't lie to me."

Barbra Streisand

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation of
integrity."

Baltasar Gracian

"We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will
be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that
we fear grows stronger."

Tad Williams

I started seeing three girls who answered my
online ad. One of them was Manuela, a medical student from Equador.
She was petite, skinny, with long black hair and a perfect body.
She was only 20 and had this really timid, mousy little voice. She
almost sounded like a cartoon character. But she was unbelievably
beautiful. She could have been a professional model. And she was
smart. We often made fun of those annoying illiterate American
kids, who spell everything wrong, trying to emulate some idiotic
gangsta rapper, and quoting asinine lyrics, because they think
being dumb and shallow makes them look cool.

Manuela was going to go back to Ocala when
the next semester started, but for now she was staying at her
parents' house at The Forum on Colonial Boulevard. She didn't have
a car, so I usually picked her up and we'd spend time together at
the The Hyatt right there. But when her parents weren't home, we
had sex in her bedroom. It was a typical teenage girl's room. It
hadn't changed since before she went to college. There were teddy
bears on the shelves, and a lot of pink everywhere. I felt like I
was living in one of those pornos, where a guy has sex with his
kid's gorgeous babysitter or something.

When Manuela moved back to Ocala, I saw on
her Facebook page that she started dating a one-eyed firefighter.
Apparently he was the love of her life. I never heard from her
again.

I was also seeing another 20 year old girl
at that time. Her name was Kayla. She was a quirky math student who
grew up in Sayville on Long Island, New York, not far from where I
had lived in Brooklyn. Kayla was 6 feet tall and a little chubby.
She had long bright red hair. She was not nearly as pretty as the
medical student from Equador, but also very smart. Kayla had a
great personality and she always made me laugh with her silly
little jokes. We both had the same strange sense of humor. She was
a little punk, with a lip piercing and the word bitch tattooed
right over her pussy. She liked to wear ironic t-shirts and paint
each of her nails a different color.

Kayla wanted to become a financial advisor
or something like that, but she had a drug problem and had been
arrested and spent some time in jail. Now she was a convicted
felon, and finding a job in the financial field was going to be
difficult, if not impossible. But she wasn't going to let that stop
her from finishing her college degree. She was on probation, so she
wasn't doing any more heroin, but she still drank like a Russian
sailor, and smoked a lot of fake weed.

And I was seeing Crystal. She was a
beautiful 30-year-old, with long blonde hair. She was skinny, tall
and had amazing fake boobs. She had been a stripper for a while,
and a model. Then she had worked at a real estate firm, but after
the market crashed, she started working as a waitress at
Applebee's. The first time I met her, she was as skinny as a
skeleton. It made her huge fake boobs stand out even more. She was
addicted to oxycodone pills and occasionally smoked crack. She was
dating this guy Jerry, a wealth management advisor at some stock
brokerage. He was almost 10 years younger than her.

Every time I had sex with Crystal, she
brought this huge industrial-strength dildo, that plugged into a
wall outlet. She loved rubbing it on her clit while we had sex, but
to me it was kinda annoying and distracting, because it was in the
way. And she was one of those girls who liked to scream and moan
like a porn star. Her over-the-top theatrics sometimes made me feel
inadequate, because I felt like I wasn't living up to the hype.

And then there was a fourth girl, Haley. I
had met her the first time I had come to Florida. I'll tell you
more about her later.

I had sex with at least one of these 4 girls
every day, sometimes even with two of them on the same day. I was
pimpin'. I was living the rockstar life.

In June, I suddenly started getting text
messages from Patty the drug counselor. It had been a year since
she had been at my condo in Florida for two weeks, to spend her
birthday with me. It was almost time for her next birthday now, so
she decided to get in touch with me again. We hadn't talked to each
other in a year, ever since our falling out after our road
trip.