Seven Nights with Her Ex (15 page)

Home was where Beau was.

It always had been. And it had ripped him apart to walk away. Again. But how could he throw himself into their relationship? He loved her. With all his heart and more. But he wasn't
right
for her. If they tried to make it work, one of them would have to give up their career at their current hospital and move. That bit might not be so bad, but what about when the thrill of being back together again wore off? What happened when reality sank in? What if they decided to have children?

He couldn't do it.

All that time, all those eleven years he'd spent away from her, he'd struggled to feel satisfied or happy with anything. And finding Beau again, in Yellowstone, of all places, had made him realise just what he'd been missing.

She had always had his heart. From that very first day when he'd spotted her at medical school—that gorgeous, long-limbed, elegant woman with the flaming red hair—his breath had been taken from him. He'd tried to use his old, familiar chat-up lines and they'd had no effect on her. She'd laughed them off, almost disappointed by his attempt at using them. And so he'd tried a different tactic.

He'd been as genuine as he could. He'd listened to her. Studied with her. Helped her revise. He'd been content with just
being
with her. Basking in her glow. Enjoying the warmth that she'd created in his cold, empty heart. The first time he'd kissed her... Well, that had been something else!

After that he'd been unable to tear himself away from her. Beau had been his bright star, his happiness. His joy. His deep love. He'd never known it was possible to love another person so much. Whenever they'd been apart, he'd thought of her. Whenever he'd been on a day shift and she on a night shift, and they'd met like ships in the dawn of the early morning, their time together had been too short. Bittersweet.

Sometimes they'd meet in the hospital cafeteria and just drink coffee silently together. Happy to be next to each other. They hadn't needed words. They hadn't needed grand gestures to show the other how much they meant to them. They'd just been happy to
be
. Sitting opposite each other, holding hands.

He refused to end up hating her. His heart, his logical brain, told him he wouldn't do that to himself. They'd met again. Cleared the air. Shared a wonderful few days together. And it was best to leave it at that. With good memories. Ending on a high.

So why do I feel like this?

His heart physically ached. He was fighting against the urge to throw caution to the wind and go and find her again. To feel her in his arms just one more time...

But what good would it do? It would hurt them each and every time they had to part ways.

But what if it could work?

The devil's advocate part of his brain kicked in. Presented him with images of them happy together, surrounded by a brood of happy, red-haired, green-eyed children. Mini-versions of him and Beau. Having the kind of marriage people dreamed of.

Some people managed it, didn't they? He'd read about them in the news. Couples celebrating fifty, sixty, seventy years of marriage and giving their advice for a long, happy marriage:

Never go to bed on an argument.

Enjoy each other's company.

Be honest.

Be realistic.

It was that last one he'd held on to. Surely he
was
being realistic? Over fifty per cent of marriages
failed
, and those couples that stayed together he knew were doing it for reasons other than love. They didn't want to be alone. They were staying together for the sake of the kids. It was a habit they couldn't break. It was too expensive to separate...

Which of them were
truly
still in love?

It was hard to admit that he was afraid, but he knew he was. Afraid of hurting Beau. Afraid of having her hate him. Afraid of having her resent him. Afraid of her looking at him the way his mother looked at his father...

He sat on the end of his hotel bed and held his head in his hands.

Trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing.

It didn't help that there was a voice in his head screaming at him that he was doing the
wrong
thing.

He needed some space.

He needed some calm time.

He needed to
think
.

* * *

She'd kept herself busy—reading books, magazines, the newspapers. Watching television. Well...telling herself she was reading. Telling herself she was paying attention to the screen. All so she didn't think about Gray.

It wasn't working.

He was in her thoughts constantly, and her mind was churning with all the possibilities. Perhaps he'd done a good thing for them both by walking away. Because what if he was right? What if they
were
doomed to a future of having one of those relationships where people put up with what they'd got because the alternative was too terrible?

Being alone...

I'm alone now, aren't I? And it sucks!

He was wrong. They were stronger than that. Their love was stronger than that. Because it had lasted for the eleven years they'd been apart—always there, burning away quietly in the background and then roaring back into full flame when they'd met up again.

There was no point in fighting it. When she got back to the UK, she would go to Edinburgh. She would find his hospital and she would wait in his surgery until there was time for him to see her. He
would
see her. He would do her that honour. And it didn't matter if he listened and then told her he couldn't do it, she had to at least
try
. He had to know that she wanted to be with him. Had to know how much she loved him. Wanted to be his partner, his lover, his soulmate. She was all those things already—it was just that he was refusing to see it!

Could she convince him that there was another kind of future for them? Let him know that there was an alternative? That they could be happy, like her parents? People who had such a deep love for each other were strong enough to get over any day-to-day upsets. Get through the rigours of life. People
succeeded
at marriage! Those couples who were determined to make their vows mean something. Who solved their problems before they became big issues. It was impossible to get through a marriage without there being ups and downs, but it
was
possible to do it without hating each other—and they had a love strong enough to do so.

He needs to know that I won't give up on him this time.

He'd shocked her, and there'd not been a chance for her to say what she needed to say. Well, he'd had
his
chance. And soon, back home, she would have hers.

* * *

The plane home was delayed by two hours, so Beau waited in the airport lounge, sipping coffee and finally—
finally!
—able to get her hands on a beautiful, flaky, buttery Danish pastry. She could almost feel herself salivating at the thought of it, but when it arrived, when it came to eating it, she found it difficult. Dry. Cloying. Tasteless.

She left it, pushing her plate away and swallowing the last of the coffee. Just as she was doing so she heard the boarding call for her plane.

She'd got an aisle seat and she settled down, anxious to get her feet back on British soil, where the air would be refreshingly damp and chill and the only animal likely to make her jump out of the way would be her neighbour's overenthusiastic Red Setter.

She sensed rather than saw Gray arrive. She'd not even been looking at the passengers getting on the plane, but she'd felt someone brush by and suddenly she
knew
who it was. The cologne, her awareness of his proximity—it all pointed to the one man she'd thought she'd never see again.

‘Gray...' She almost choked on his name as she stumbled to her feet. It was so unexpected to see him here. On
her
flight.

‘Beau. You're looking well.'

He looked washed out. As if he hadn't slept. His eyes were reddened and there was a paleness to his skin, despite their days in the American sun.

‘I am. Thank you. You're on
this
flight?'

She winced. What a stupid question! Of course he was!

‘Row J.' He pointed to his row, unable to take his eyes off her, then reluctantly moved on. The passengers behind him were getting impatient that he was blocking the aisle.

Beau sank back into her seat, her heart racing, thudding in her chest. She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep, steadying breath. This was it. Her chance. Her opportunity to speak to him. Eight hours' worth of opportunity, before they touched down in the UK. No need to track him down—no need to chase after him. Fate had given her this gift.

She was suddenly afraid. Her stomach felt cold, solid, like a block of ice. Fear was pinning her limbs to her seat.

This is one of those turning points in life, isn't it? Do I want to give us another chance? I really do!

She really wanted a spot of Dutch courage.

Where are those flight attendants when you want them?

Beau blinked and thought of what her life would be like if she didn't go and talk to him. It was too horrible to imagine. She'd be alone again. Driven only by work. Her life empty. Feeling as if she was waiting for something that never came. In limbo. Her life on pause. And though she loved her job, she knew she loved Gray McGregor more. She
needed
him. More than she needed oxygen.

She closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

CHAPTER TEN

T
HEY
'
D
BEEN
IN
the air for an hour before she finally got up the nerve to go and talk to him. An hour of letting her stomach churn, of gripping her armrests till her knuckles turned white, before she finally unclipped her seat belt and got up out of her seat. Her legs were like jelly, her mouth drier than a desert.

Instantly his gaze connected with hers, and she saw him suck in a deep breath, too.

Good. He was just as nervous as she was.

If it goes wrong, then fine. I'll just walk away, sit back in my seat, and I'll never have to see him again. But what if it goes right...?

Unsteadily, she walked down the aisle and stopped by his seat. The two chairs next to him were empty.

‘Mind if I take a seat?'

‘Be my guest.' He got up so she could sidle past him, and waited for her to sit before he sat down himself.

She sat in the window seat, so that there was a gap between them. She didn't want to be too close. She had no idea how this conversation was going to go.

‘How have you been?'

He glanced at her, then away, his jaw muscles clenching. ‘Okay, I guess. You?'

This was her opportunity. Her chance to tell him how in torment she'd been since he'd left her at the minibus. Since he'd crushed her heart by telling her that he didn't deserve a second chance with her.

‘Not bad.' She paused. ‘Actually, I've been...thinking.'

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Thinking?'

She nodded quickly, her blood zooming through her veins, carried along on a jet stream of adrenaline. ‘About you.'

‘Oh?'

He wasn't making this easy for her. But maybe he was afraid, too? She saw him swallow. His Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he thought for a moment. Was he anticipating what she was going to say? She could see fear and doubt playing across his face as he sought to find the best way to remain calm whilst she said whatever she had to.

But she was impatient. Nervous. ‘You don't have to say anything. I'll speak first. I think that I should.'

He met her gaze and stared. For just a moment. The intensity in his eyes made her temperature rise and her heart pound. ‘Okay.'

How to start?

‘I'm sorry, Gray. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you before. That I didn't make you feel that you could talk to me. I'm sorry for the way I treated you when we met again. I'm sorry that it's taken this long for me to be able to see what was wrong. And where the blame lay.'

‘Beau—'

‘Let me finish.' She smiled, her mouth trembling with nerves. ‘I need to say this. Because if I don't say this right now, then...then I'll never be able to say it, and I think we owe it to each other to be honest.'

It was hard not to cry, too. She'd worked herself up so much that the need to say everything, to get everything out so that he'd hear how she felt, was just overwhelming.

He stared at her, his feelings written across every feature. The concern in his eyes...the tenseness in his mouth...that beautiful mouth. His tight jaw...

‘I loved you. I
still
love you. I always have and I always will—whether you allow me to do so or decide you never want to see me ever again. I love you. I think we could work. If you gave us a chance, I think we really
could
. We know who we are. We've put everything out there. Nothing's hidden.'

She reached for his hand and took it in hers, clasping it tightly, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell how much she was shaking.

‘I know about your leg and it doesn't bother me. It doesn't stop you from being
you
. I know about your family. What you went through. I know that you think marriage is some sort of prison, but that's not how
I
see it. I see it as a journey.' She laughed nervously and hoped he would laugh, too. ‘Yes, I used the J-word!'

He smiled. But he seemed too far away. He still wasn't quite with her. So she got out of her window seat and into the seat directly next to him.

She looked at their entwined hands and felt her barriers breaking down. She wanted this so much! But she was afraid of getting her heart broken again, and now her fear was making her hesitate.

‘I want to be with you, Gray. Married or not. I don't need a perfect man. I don't need someone who will never argue with me or grow frustrated with me, because that happens anyway. But what I
do
want is
you
. Gray McGregor. Faults and all. We can do this. We can get it right this time—I know we can—because we both care enough to get it right, and...'

She almost ran out of words. Almost. She looked into his green eyes for inspiration and saw them smiling back at her. She fought back her tears.

‘You told me that I deserved someone who could love me the way I want to be loved. You told me that you didn't deserve a second chance with me. But...but you're the one that I want to have loving me. You're the only one who can love me the way that I want.
I'm
the one who deserves a second chance with
you
! Can't you see that? I love you, Gray McGregor. Can't you love me, too?'

Gray brought her fingers to his lips, closing his eyes as he sucked in a breath and inhaled the aroma of her skin before he began to speak.

‘I used to fear that our being together would turn us into different people who couldn't stand to be near each other...but being
away
from you makes me miserable. Sadder than I've ever been in my life. When I fell from that sea cliff and lay on the rocks waiting for help, all I could think of was you. I thought that if I died, then at least it would take me away from the torment of not being with you. But now we have this second chance and...and I
want
to take it. I
do
! I thought...I thought that I didn't deserve another chance and so I walked away again. Just for a moment. I needed to get my head straight. I needed to know that I was thinking clearly about us. That I'd rid myself of all that old clutter, that old pain I used to carry inside. I used to hide behind it. Using it as an excuse. Believing it—allowing it to twist me into this man who was too afraid to be with the woman he loved in case it all went wrong. But...'

He smiled at her and wiped a tear from her soft, soft cheek.

‘I know what love is. I know that it's what
we've
got. Something special. We're a team, you and me. We always have been. We've shared our fears, our hopes. Our love. You know everything about me and you still love me anyway. Do you know how amazing I find that?'

She nodded, her tears turning to tears of happiness.

‘I got off that bus and I had to drive away. Being around you...I couldn't think straight. But back at the hotel I could. I told you that I was scared of what might happen to us, but that was wrong. I was running away from love because I'd never truly felt it. Not until you came along. And suddenly everything was moving too fast! Marriage? Talk of having kids?'

He shook his head at the memory.

‘My mother didn't want me. My father barely knew me. I was just a messenger boy. A pawn in their horrible game. And whilst I loved you,
wanted
to be with you, I was terrified of doing so in case I got it all wrong. I didn't know how to be loved like that. So strongly. Living apart from you, just dating you, I could hide from that. Disguise it. I thought that if we got married it would expose me for the fraud that I was. It wasn't you. It wasn't us. It was
me
. But now I know I'm stronger. You
make
me stronger. All that we've been through tells me we can do this.'

A stewardess came by with her trolley, offering drinks, but Gray waved her past.

‘I accused you of not living in reality, but I was doing the same thing. I was living in a future that hadn't happened. We have no idea of how this will go, but I think—I
know
—the two of us will make it the best it can be. The strongest it can be. And...and I know that I love you, too. That I'm miserable without you. That my life is
nothing
without you in it.'

‘Gray...'

‘Fate threw us back together, but even if it hadn't...I would have found you anyway. I can never be apart from you again.' He smiled, his face warming with the strength of it, happiness gleaming from his eyes. ‘Beau, you are the most beautiful woman I know. The strongest woman I know and I want you in my life for ever. Will you do me the honour of making me the happiest man in this world and marrying me?'

‘
Marrying
you?'

Did I just squeak that? Since when do I squeak?

He nodded. ‘I want to marry you, Beau. I want you to be my wife. I want us to be together through good times
and
bad. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. Dr Beau Judd, my beautiful neurologist...my other half...'

A kiss.

‘My soul...'

Another kiss.

‘My heart...'

And another.

‘Yes!' She nodded, grinning like an idiot and not caring. He loved her!
Loved her!
It was real this time. ‘Yes! Yes!
Yes!
I will. Are you going to kiss me properly now, or just keep staring at me?'

‘I'd like to kiss you.'

He leant forward and their lips met.

This was it. Their first kiss on the path to true love. His lips were warm and soft, and they caressed hers so expertly that she felt like a molten ball of fire. Her insides were liquid. Her hands scrunched tightly in his hair and she pulled him against her and kissed him back as if her life depended upon it.

And it did.

She knew she was nothing without this man. She had a home, a career and a family. She should have been content with just those things. But having Gray in her life made everything so much better. Brighter. Riskier, yes, but brighter.

She stroked his face, feeling the softness of his fine beard beneath her fingertips. ‘I love you so much.'

He reached for her other hand and kissed her fingertips. ‘And I love
you
. We made it off that clifftop—we can make it on solid ground.'

Joy beyond measure was hers. Her happiness scale exploded and blew off its top as she sank into Gray's arms and accepted his love.

But he shifted slightly, reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. ‘I can't believe I had a whole other speech planned for when I tracked you down in the UK. It wasn't very good, but...everything's worked out bonny in the end. You said yes. So...this is for you.'

She took the box and glanced up at him. He looked nervous. It had to be a ring. He'd bought her one before and it had been stored in her jewellery box for too many years. Now she was getting another. But this one
meant
something more.

Beau opened the box. Inside lay a beautiful diamond set in a platinum band. It glittered and caught the light against its velvet nest and she beamed a smile through her happy tears.

‘It's gorgeous.'

Gray took it from the box and then took her left hand, sliding it onto her finger. It was a perfect fit.

She kissed him again. As his fiancée. A perfect kiss. A loving kiss.

‘I love you, Beau,' he whispered in her ear.

And she whispered back, ‘And I love
you
, Gray McGregor.'