Seth's Broadway Diary, Volume 1: Part 1 (6 page)

All right, I’m off to give
Straight Talk
another chance. Talk to you in ten minutes.

The Setup

June 4, 2007

Happy June!
June is one of my favorite months because even though I graduated from high school way back when Molly Ringwald was the new, big thing (
Sixteen Candles
? Anybody?
Fresh Horses
? Nobody?), every June 1, I still feel the joy I felt knowing it was the last month of the school year.

This week began with the culmination of a bizarre experience. Back in January, I answered an email from a friend who told me about an audition for a TV host. I was in a rage because it was being held on the East Side (Is there any easy way to get there besides using the Helipad on 34th Street?), but I went anyway. I knew it was a swanky audition because it was held at an Au Bon Pain. As I always say, why rent a studio and have a monitor when you can easily find an empty table in the back of a chain restaurant? Tara Rubin, you could be saving a mint of money by staking out a corner at Hot and Crusty.

I met the lady "auditioning" me and looked for the camera that would put me on tape. I instead saw two businessmen, a homeless person and the fixin's bar with half and half, whole, two percent
and
skim milk. The auditioner was very friendly and said that the show would have a different host talking about his or her favorite part of New York. I told her I was most familiar with the theatre district and the Upper West Side, and she then told me that the hosts had to be pop culture savvy and she therefore needed to ask me some questions. She asked me ten questions, and I answered three correctly. Suffice it to say, I did not know that Ted Turner founded the Goodwill Games, amongst many other things. But she liked my personality and said that she'd tell them I aced all the questions, and I would probably get the gig.

I got a call a few days later offering me the show and, actor style, told them to call my agent. They told me that because it's a new show, they weren't going through agents. Huh? What was the show, I asked. They told me that it's new so they can't really talk about it. Again,
huh
? Why so many secrets? Why was I suddenly in an episode of
24
— one that would eventually get the show canceled because it's not even that interesting. Nothing made sense, but because of my natural actor whore-ishness and a desperation to add something new to my reel, I accepted the job. A week later I showed up on the corner of Columbus and 74th to meet the producer, Donna. She told me that the show car would pick me up, take me to Don't Tell Mama on 46
th
street, and I'd film an episode talking about my favorite midtown spots (AKA Amy's Bread). Donna kept making cell-phone calls to the other producers and finally said that the car was stuck in traffic and I should take a cab. She gave me $20 and said that the crew would meet me there. I got in the cab, gave the address of Mama's and was suddenly accosted by non-stop blinking lights on the roof of the inside of the cab.

Yes, I was on an episode of the Discovery Channel's
Cash Cab
. The whole thing about hosting a show about New York was one big, fat setup! I had never seen the show and found out that it consists of a cab driver asking me questions as he drives me to my destination, and every correct answer would win me money! He said that if I got three wrong, I had to leave the cab. Well, I freaked out because I remembered the auditioner asking me questions and me getting three out of ten right. I didn't want to be kicked out of a cab on 54th Street and Ninth Avenue! What would I do in that neighborhood? Go to Mee Noodle Shop? Well, suffice it to say, I knew the answers to all the questions except the last one (Q: What is the Urban Dictionary's definition of the computer term NSFW? A: Not Safe For Work.), and I won $300! The point is, if you audition for something that seems fishy, then get the gig and it seems fishier, you should take the gig and you could win money! Or wind up in a snuff film.
P.S. To this day, people are constantly tweeting me and saying they saw me on CASH CAB. My episode repeats all the time! P.P.S No residuals.

Thursday, I interviewed Rupert Holmes on
Chatterbox
. What a talent! He's done everything. First of all, he wrote music for
The Partridge Family
. I always thought that they were the cool version of
The Brady Bunch
until Ricky came along and ruined it all. And Holmes wrote the flip side of "Daddy, Don't You Walk So Fast." Do you remember that childhood downer? The only thing sadder than that was the book
Bridge to Terabithia,
which is essentially the children's version of
The Year of Magical Thinking
.

Rupert said that he was writing and singing on his own albums when he got a phone call. "Hello, this is Barbra Streisand, and I'd like you to write some songs for my upcoming movie
A Star Is Born
." He responded with that old chestnut, "That's the
worst
Barbra Streisand imitation I've ever heard." Instead of hanging up, she got back at him by giving herself that horrible ‘70s perm. Well, maybe that wasn't to get him back, but let's all acknowledge that it was a national tragedy.

Regardless, he wrote her that sassy song "Queen Bee" and "Everything," which was a big high school girl audition song before "Out Here On my Own" stole its thunder. Rupert also conducted Barbra on her
Lazy Afternoon
record and for some songs that were never released. He actually conducted that fabulous clip of her singing "Make Our Garden Grow" where she holds the last note for a crazy length of time. He said he remembered thinking that he was gonna run out of orchestral music, but he didn't want to be the one responsible for cutting off La Streisand, so he did a massive
ritard
and it was thrilling! Look for it on YouTube and watch!

We talked about
Drood
and Betty Buckley's unbelievable high E at the end of "The Writing on the Wall." He said that the song was supposed to end on a B, but when they did the workshop performance, the adrenaline got to her and she went up to an E. Everyone was obsessed, and it was immediately added to the show. Get that CD and listen because Betty gives one of the best Broadway performances ever. Rupert not only wrote the book music and lyrics to
Drood
, but he orchestrated the whole show as well! At that time, the Imperial Theatre had an orchestra minimum of 27 musicians. Get back to that CD and listen to how fabulous the orchestra sounds!
Drood
also had a brava cast. Not only the fabulous leads, but Rob Marshall, Judy Kuhn and Donna Murphy in the chorus! Holmes said that whatever role Donna went on for, she was voted the murderer. She was electrifying in any role she played. When Betty left, Rupert begged the producers not to give to the role to some TV personality, but to the person who would give the best performance. They asked who he meant, and Donna Murphy got her first Broadway leading role!

FYI,
I've received many letters from
Straight Talk
fans. Apparently, the movie is amazing. Hmm… I don't retract what I say (even though I love Dolly), but I appreciate your passion and think we may just have different tastes. On that note, I suggest you rent Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen's
New York Minute
. I think you'll love it.

Years of Cullum

June 12, 2007

Let’s first talk about the week leading up to the Tony Awards! Tuesday, I interviewed John Cullum for my Sirius radio show. What a career! He was in the
original
Camelot
as Sir Dinadan! Then he was the matinee Don Quixote in
Man of La Mancha
when Richard Kiley wanted to do only six shows a week. I asked him about starring in
On the Twentieth Century
with Madeline Kahn. One day, Madeline missed a rehearsal and asked how her understudy, Judy Kaye, did. John said that she knew all the lines. Madeline missed another rehearsal and asked again how Judy did. John said that she knew all the songs. Madeline missed a third rehearsal and this time when she asked John about Judy, he simply warned her, "Don't miss any more," AKA Judy's got it goin' on. Suffice it to say, Judy was brilliant and took over the role after Madeline left very early in the run. Also, speaking of the Tony Awards, when Judy Kaye became the star of the show, her small role of the maid was taken over by… Christine Ebersole! I love learning about understudies who later become stars. I think about those audience members in the ‘70s who were like "I'm outraged! I bought tickets to
Grease
to see Jeff Conaway —
not
his understudy Richard Gere!"

Wednesday, I put together a Broadway review for a benefit of the Jed Foundation, which helps prevent suicide of college-age kids. I had Kristine Zbornik sing the parody she wrote about the subway to the tune of "People": "People… piled on top of people… are the nastiest people in the world…" My favorite is the part is "With one person… taking up two spaces…" I'm so happy for Kris because she told me that she just got cast in the new Harvey Fierstein/John Bucchino musical,
A Catered Affair
. Brava!

Thursday, I interviewed Orfeh and her husband Andy Karl at
Chatterbox
. Best line of the
Chatterbox?
I asked Orfeh what she did at the High School of Performing Arts. She answered, "My major was drama." Andy added, "It still is."

Anyhoo, they both met doing
Saturday Night Fever
and Andy said that when he gave Orfeh an engagement ring, she threw it at him. I was ready for her to refute the story, but she concurred. She said that after the show one night, they ordered in Chinese/Cuban food, and he hid the ring in a take-out container. Orfeh said that she hates surprises because she's a control freak and had no inkling that he was going to propose. When she saw the ring box buried inside the rice, it was so shocking to her that she threw it like it was burning her hand. He then got down on one knee (with full turn-out, I'm sure, because he's a fierce dancer) and proposed. The whole courtship to marriage was just six months
.
They’ve been together since 2000 and they still are today! Brava whirlwind romances!

Tony night was fun as always, and my favorite win was Julie White for
The Little Dog Laughed
. She was so unbelievably funny in that show. I interviewed her on
Chatterbox
, and she was a riot. She told me about meeting her husband for the first time. It was at a barbeque. He was in his twenties, and after they had been chatting up a storm, he finally asked her, "How old are you? Like 35?" She said, "I said yes. Because I was 39, which is 'like 35'!"

Brava and congrats to all the winners!

The Game of Celebrity

June 18, 2007

I'm writing this column after celebrating Father's Day with my boyfriend, James, and his six-year-old daughter, Juli.
First I took them out to brunch. And by "brunch," I mean dinner since it took two hours to get our meal. But it didn't matter because it was delish, and we got French toast on the side. Yum. Then we went bowling at Chelsea Piers, which was super fun. Juli essentially got the same score I did because she used bumpers in the lane. Have you seen them? They're literally walls that come up to prevent a child from having the bowling ball go in the gutter! When did bumpers come into existence? I never had that option at my signature bowling birthday parties circa '76, '77 and '78. I did, however, have a birthday cake with a fruit filling every year, even though I hate fruit in my desserts. I'm still angry I didn't just have delicious yellow cake with chocolate icing. But that's an angry confrontation I've yet to have with my mother (but plan on having one day when I’m in my mid-50s à la Barbra and Lauren Bacall, "Mirror Has Two Faces"-style).

Okay, on to Broadway. And by "Broadway," I mean Off-Broadway. I spent Monday at the York Theatre Company doing
NEO
(which stands for New, Emerging, Outstanding). It's a yearly fundraising event for The York that features the work of NEO (see acronym explained) composing teams. I was asked to sing a funny song by Benj Pasek and Justin Pau
l
Years before their Tony nomination for A CHRISTMAS STORY
!
about a guy who is PO'd at his ex-boyfriend. It's called "In Short," and most verses end with a version of the lyric "In short… I hope you die." The audience
ate up
the bitterness. It was hosted by the talented composer Bobby Lopez (
Avenue Q
)
And by AVENUE Q I also mean BOOK OF MORMON, FROZEN and basically anything else that allows him to live in a golden palac
e
and the hi-larious and hi-belting Ann Harada. The last time I heard from Ann was when she sent me an email lauding my book
The Q Guide to Broadway
, yet begging me to let her copy edit my next one because her former proofreader sensibilities were up in arms from reading it. I wasn't offended at all because there are some
crazy
mistakes in the book, including a section on Rush Tickets that refers to them as "Tush" tickets.