Sellout (12 page)

“I think she’s replaced me already,” I told him. “I haven’t even been gone that long and I’m already replaced.”

“That’s messed up,” he said.

He shook his head like he knew what I was talking about. He pulled himself up until he was sitting right next to me on the same step. I could smell the chocolate scent of his hair lotion and sniffed slightly to get more. It was nice of him to listen.

“All I wanted to do was tell her how things may have taken a better turn at the center today,” I said, “I didn’t even get to tell her about the girls and who I’d be working with. She wasn’t really interested.”

“So, what is going on up there?” he said. I could tell he was trying to change the subject to get my mind off of Heather. I let him. My head was starting to hurt a little anyway. “I think I know somebody that goes there.”

“Who is it?” I asked.

“This chick named Monique,” he said nonchalantly.

I looked at him to see if he was joking. He could tell I must have made some connection because I scrunched up my
face and looked away immediately. He smiled slyly. It was an incredibly small world.

“How do you know her?” I asked.

“Long story,” he said quickly. “Me and that girl used to date back in the day but she had mad issues, way too much to deal with. You meet her or something?”

“Something like that,” I said, not wanting to get into it anymore that night.

“Well, just look out for her,” he said, standing up and brushing off the back of his jeans. “She can be a piece of work. I’ll catch you later.”

He left me there to think about what a “piece of work” she had been already. My trip down to the stoop had turned out to be just as disturbing as my phone call. Khalik and Monique? Dating? Sleep was out of the question for sure.

IT WAS PERFORMANCE time again. I pulled on a black tutu over a black leotard and tied a black ribbon into my hair. Marcia waved us all over but skipped our normal warm-up routine. She said we needed to focus more on the proper ways to braid, so that’s what we did, braided and rebraided our hair.

When all of our braids looked the same
—
mine with more scarf than hair
—
we marched to the stage
in
military precision and waited for the curtain to rise.

Small billows of smoke filled the stage floor and the curtain rose on cue. Hundreds of clowns applauded for us as we pirouetted onto the stage.

“What’s going on?” I asked the dancer to my right. I couldn’t picture her face or her name. She wore a pair of stockings covering her face, like she was hiding her identity. It was almost as if she had no face at all. She turned to me and smiled an eerie grin but kept dancing. I turned to Marcia on the side of the stage. She pulled on a clown mask of her own without looking
in
my direction.

“Marcia, what is happening here?” I whispered loudly. She didn’t respond but clapped along with the other clowns. “Answer me, what is this?”

I spun in perfect time with the music. Apparently, the other dancers didn’t think so. They formed a circle around me and pushed me around and around until everyone had a chance to shove me. I spun like I was on a Ferris wheel at a carnival. I looked for anyone who was familiar to me, anyone who could rescue me, but found no one.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I screamed over the music, waving my hands back and forth above my head. “Stop it, please stop it.”

The dancers let me out of the circle and jumped into the audience, who roared approval at the show going on. I searched every face in the audience, one by one. Tilly or Mom must be out there somewhere. And where was Heather? We always danced the same numbers. I’d never been onstage without her.

I turned around and there she was.

Heather and Quiana wore matching red tutus and skipped across the stage hand
in
hand. They laughed loudly and pointed
in
my face.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “Heather, be careful, she’s dangerous. You have to stay away from her.”

The pair kept dancing as if I weren’t talking at all. More smoke billowed higher and higher into the air, making it harder for me to watch my best friend and my worst enemy, and easier for them to hide from me.

“Tag, you’re it.” Heather reached out and shoved me across the stage.

“Tag, you’re still it, Sellout.” Quiana shoved me even harder. I landed on the floor facedown. I stayed that way until I felt two pairs of strong arms dragging me back onto my feet.

Amir and Khalik carried me like a sack of potatoes and placed me on a pedestal to face all the clowns. The audience threw steaming hot
combs and bottles of hair lotion at me at full force. I ducked and dodged as much as I could, but got hit several times. My nose started to bleed. Large welts started to appear on my skin and all I could do was stand and cry.

“Help me, please,” I asked, reaching out for my friends.

The girls stood with their arms around one another’s shoulders, while the boys stood guard next to me as if I were a prisoner about to be stoned by an angry mob.

Amir and Khalik arrested me for dancing
in
an illegal space and proceeded to take me to a jailhouse. Amir slapped high five with Khalik as they locked me into a cell.

I was behind bars, but I swayed along with the group as they skipped away.

“Tash, wake up! It’s me. What are you carrying on about
in
here?” I could hear Tilly’s voice
in
the distance and looked around my cell to see where she was. “Girl, you are drenched. You’re gonna lay here and catch pneumonia.”

I’d had a crazy dream or two in my lifetime, but my attack of the clowns took the cake. Tilly was standing over me, laughing.

“Girl, you were having some kind of dream last night,” she said.

“Tilly, there were clowns and I was onstage again,” I started telling her, while freeing myself from the tangled sheets. “The smoke was everywhere and Quiana was dancing with Heather. Even Amir and Khalik were there. They put me in a cell.”

“You must have caught a chill in the night or something,” she said, wiping my forehead dry. “That must mean you’re in for a heck of a day.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of,” I said quietly.

Maybe the Amber’s Place girls weren’t going to have a change of heart as I had hoped after all.

When we walked into Amber’s Place, I was still trying to convince Tilly about the clowns and the smoke. She had laughed at me the whole train ride.

“Alright, I’m headed to see Red,” Tilly said. “Try and forget about that silly dream and have a good day.”

She kissed my cheek and walked down the hall giggling.

I headed off in the direction of our group meeting room, where the visitors were gathering. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to learn more about these girls. I watched the security guards pat down a few rough-looking kids in oversize clothing.

I sat down to watch all of the girls with their visitors. Most girls invited a parent, some had invited a friend, and some had asked boyfriends to come. Red and Tilly walked around greeting everyone and reminding visitors of the rules.

The whole sight just made me even more homesick than I already was. Maybe I should have asked my parents to visit or even Heather. She was probably too busy gallivanting around town with Stephanie, her new BFF.

“Don’t have anyone coming to see you, either, huh?” Quiana was stretched out across a couch behind me. I hadn’t even noticed her there. She smirked, but kept watching the security guards like she was expecting someone.

I shook my head no when I realized she was actually talking to me. “You?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no, my grandmother had to work,” she said. “No one else gives a shit.”

It wasn’t so hard to believe. I wondered if her grandmother was actually working or if she was really just a figment of Quiana’s imagination.

“That’s too bad,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

If it were anyone else, I would have offered to keep them company until the visitors left. With Quiana, it was probably best for us to stay on our respective couches. I didn’t want to go home with any more black eyes if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

“Not really,” she said coldly. “I get to watch all these other fools act like they care about each other.”

She nodded her head in the direction of Monique and a grown man. Monique was holding yellow roses and her boyfriend had a box of chocolates open on the table next to them. Half the box was empty already. He probably ate them on the way.

Monique’s boyfriend had to be at least ten years older than her. I thought I saw gray hairs peeking out of his Afro. She had her head tilted to the side and a silly grin on her face, like he was casting love spells on her. Quiana stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag. I laughed.

“Well, maybe they really do care about each other,” I offered. She looked at me with disgust on her face. I shrugged. “You never know, they could be in love.”

“What do you know about it anyway?” she asked roughly. “He ain’t no good and Monique knows it.”

“They look happy together,” I said cautiously.

“Yeah, well, you’re wrong,” she said, kicking her legs out in front of her.

“How do you know so much about them?” I asked.

Quiana faced me squarely with her elbows on her knees. She was either gearing up for a fight or getting comfortable to tell me a really long story. She looked back over at the happy couple again.

“It wasn’t too long ago he was behind bars for hitting her,” Quiana said. She sucked in her breath, like she had spilled a secret no one was ever supposed to find out.

“She called me up one night and said he came to her place trashed,” Quiana continued. “She couldn’t get him off of her, no matter how hard she fought him. I jumped on the train and got to her as fast as I could but he’d already knocked her out cold. She woke up in the hospital with more bruises than an old piece of fruit. Her momma didn’t even recognize her. I showed her the birthmark on ‘Nique’s thigh and she about fell out, too. I stayed with her in the hospital for three days over him. And now look at her.”

Every muscle in my body was tense, like I was watching a movie where the murderer was about to attack an unsuspecting victim.

Quiana had to be pulling my leg. I stared at her, but she glared at the “happy” couple with such intensity it was enough to blind a person. If it weren’t for the small tears in the corners of her eyes, I would have called her a liar. I wouldn’t have actually said it, of course, but I sure would have implied it.

“Damn, my allergies are acting up again,” she said, reaching for a Kleenex.

I wasn’t sure what the right thing to say was after a story like that. While deciding, I kept close watch on Gray Hairs. It was hard to believe this man was capable of hurting Monique. They looked so happy, both smiling and leaning into each other. How could Monique be that way with someone who had put her in a hospital?

“Why in the world would Red let someone like him in here after all that?” I asked Quiana, when she was done “clearing up her allergies.”

She rolled her eyes first and then kicked her legs back onto the couch.

“She knows he’s bad news, but really she don’t know the whole story,” she said. “Red likes to give
everyone
a second chance.”

Quiana looked right at me when she said this, either telling me Red wasn’t as smart as she appeared or Red had given her a second chance or two over the years. Curiosity nearly pushed me onto the couch next to her.

“So, is that how you’re still here?” I asked, nearly whispering. She didn’t answer. I was digging too much. “Do you feel like you have to protect Monique?”

“You ask too many damn questions, you know that, Sellout?” she snapped. I nodded my head yes, still waiting for the answer.

“Since you’ll probably keep asking, she’s helped me out before and that’s how we roll,” she said. “Now, bounce and go bother someone else.”

I left, feeling like Quiana and I had made huge progress. We actually had a full conversation, without any punches thrown. There was potential there. But we had a long way to go. I smiled as I walked away.

Tilly and Red held a planning meeting for the recognition ceremony for all the girls after visiting hour was over. When I walked in they were seated close to one another, laughing about something Red was saying. I pulled up a chair next to Tilly.

Monique and Gray Hairs had said their good-byes, with Quiana watching them like a hawk. They both walked in the room a few minutes after me. I smiled at Quiana and moved my chair over to make room for hers next to me. She sucked her teeth and dragged her chair loudly across the floor away from me. Then Maria waddled in behind the others, holding her stomach, and sat down next to Red. The rest of the girls followed suit until we had a full circle.

Tilly reached over to put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me a little.

“Okay, ladies, it’s that time of year again,” Red said. “A few of you are leaving us because you’ve proven over time that
you are able to be productive members of society again and will no doubt be moving on to bigger and better things. NaTasha and Monique are working together to plan the recognition ceremony, so let’s hear your ideas of what you would like them to be like.”

“It’s about damn time I get out of here,” Quiana said, rolling her eyes to get the other girls wound up. It worked. She slapped high five with Rochelle, who folded her arms roughly across her chest. “I think we should get balloons, confetti, and all that.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet, ladies,” Red said, holding her hand up to get the girls’ attention. “NaTasha and Monique, I’d like the two of you to take some notes.”

Monique didn’t move, so I asked Red for a piece of paper from her notebook.

“Are you girls going to need additional help?” Red asked.

“Actually, I asked Quiana to help us as well,” Monique told her. She slapped five with Quiana and Rochelle. That was news to me. I prayed Quiana wouldn’t just get in the way and make our task even harder.

“Okay, fine then,” Red said, writing something down. “I expect you to fully cooperate and help one another out. I would hate for anything to go wrong during this planning time to remove either of you from our recognition list.”

“You trippin’, Red,” Quiana said loudly. “I told my whole family I was getting out of here. You know I don’t need to come here anymore. I got to get up out of here this time.”

“Then I’m sure you’ll work harder than anyone to help NaTasha, right?” Red said, smiling. I hoped Red would join us during every step of the planning process. I was asking for trouble being alone with those two.

“If it’s our ceremony, why do we need NaTasha in the first place?” Rochelle asked. Some of the girls nodded in agreement. “She isn’t even going to be recognized.”

“Because she’s willing to help,” Red said quickly, but then added in her quiet voice, “and just as with everyone new you’ll meet in your lives, you may learn something from one another.”

The girls mumbled for second, but no one said anything else, except for Tilly. She had all but disappeared from the circle with her silence. She let go of my shoulder and leaned in toward the center of the group. All the sudden it was hard to breathe. Get them, Tilly!

The girls quieted and all eyes were on my grandmother. The scowls disappeared almost immediately, as if Tilly held some magic powers. She took a deep breath in and then slowly pushed all the air out.

“Red and I were in here together just like you girls now,” Tilly started quietly. She was almost whispering. When I leaned closer to hear her, she had a look of sheer force in her eyes, determination. “We were at each other’s throats day in and day out.”