Selby Surfs (8 page)

Selby’s worst nightmare had come true. He was in a special laboratory being studied by a scientist.

It all began when Mrs Trifle’s cousin Wilhemina came to town to judge the Bogusville Canine Society’s annual dog show. As usual she stayed with the Trifles. When she went off in the morning she left a page torn out of a magazine lying on the coffee table. Later, when Selby was alone, he noticed it and read the writing at the top:
Check Your Dog’s
IQ.

‘An IQ test,’ Selby said, grabbing a pencil and writing his name at the top of the form. ‘I’ve always wanted to test my IQ. Hmmm, I wonder what IQ stands for. I know it has something to do with intelligence. That must be the
I
bit. I wonder about the
Q.
Let’s see how I go.’

One by one, Selby read through the questions:
Can your dog sit?
He quickly ticked the box that said ‘Yes’.
Can your dog shake hands?
Yes.
Roll over?
Yes.
Does your dog know left from right?
Yes, of course.
Does your dog know which way is up?
Yes. If I didn’t, how could I get up in the morning? Stupid question.
Can your dog chase sticks and bring them back?
Yes — if I feel like it.
Does your dog know where his food is kept?
Yes, of course, you nong. Every dog knows that.
Does your dog like music?
Yes.

Selby continued ticking the answers as the questions got harder and harder. The final question was:
Does your dog know the sound of your car’s engine?
‘Not really, but I’m going to say yes anyway,’ Selby thought.

Selby finished the quiz and then added up the score.

‘One hundred and ten,’ he said. ‘Let’s see what category that puts me in. Oh, good. “Dog Genius.” Absolutely true, if I do say so myself.’

Selby was about to erase all his answers when suddenly Cousin Wilhemina opened the front door and dashed into the loungeroom.

‘Where did I leave that thing?’ she said, looking around. ‘Oh, there it is.’

Wilhemina grabbed the IQ test and was about to dash out again when she glanced down at it and stopped in her tracks.

‘Someone’s already filled it in,’ she said. ‘It must have been Dr Trifle. Hmmm, one hundred and ten! Wow! I wonder which dog he was testing. Surely not old dumb dumb here,’ she said looking over at Selby. ‘Good grief! The Trifles only have one dog it must be him!
One hundred and ten! Unbelievable!
And all these years I thought he was too dumb to come in out of the rain.’

Cousin Wil looked at Selby and then her face lit up.

‘Come with me, pooch,’ she said, grabbing him by the collar. ‘I’m going to get you tested properly.’

‘What have I done?’ Selby thought as the woman dragged him into her car. ‘I may be super smart but filling out that dog IQ test was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done!’

Within minutes Cousin Wilhemina was pulling Selby into the Dog IQ Testing Tent at the dog show and handing his IQ test to a startled Dog Resources scientist. The woman looked over the form for a moment and then looked up.

‘I can’t believe it!’ she exclaimed. ‘We get a few smart dogs but this little guy is smarter than I am!’

‘That wouldn’t be difficult,’ Selby thought.

‘Are you sure this is true?’ the scientist asked. ‘Are you sure someone wasn’t just playing a joke on you?’

‘Well it was filled out by either Dr or Mrs Trifle and they wouldn’t joke about a thing like this,’ Cousin Wil said. ‘Unless you believe that the dog filled it out himself,’ she added with a long, screaming laugh.

‘Oh, yes, that’s a good one,’ the scientist laughed back. ‘Then I guess we can only do one thing.’

‘What is that?’

‘I’ll have to send him off to the National Dog Testing Laboratory in Canberra to be studied by the best Dog Resources scientists in the country. Do you have any idea what a terrific sheep dog
a fellow like this would make? Why, he could not only round up the sheep but shear them too. But forget shearing: he could do almost anything a human could do. We could breed a whole race of hard-working, super-smart dogs and then we people could sit back and take it easy while the dogs did all the work.’

‘That’s what you think,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, woe, how will I ever get out of this?’

‘But I’d better do another quick test just to make sure before I ship him to Canberra,’ the scientist said.

A tiny smile formed at the corners of Selby’s mouth. He watched patiently as the scientist placed two bowls on the floor — one was empty and one was filled with wonderful smelling food.

‘I’ll play dumb,’ Selby thought as he licked the empty bowl, ‘and I’ll be back home in a few minutes.’

‘Hmmm, that’s very strange,’ Cousin Wil said. ‘I would’ve thought that even the dumbest dog would go for the food.’

‘Not necessarily,’ the scientist said. ‘This is why it takes an expert like me to check these
results. A very smart dog might be very particular about his food. This might not be the sort of food he likes. By licking the empty bowl he’s sending a clear message to us that he wants better food or nothing at all.’

‘How interesting,’ Cousin Wil said.

‘If you think that was interesting,’ Selby thought. ‘Just wait.’

For the next fifteen minutes the scientist gave Selby test after test. When she told him to sit he just stared at her. When she put out her hand and said, ‘Shake!’ he licked it. When she tried to get him to roll over, he got halfway over and then lay on his back pretending to sleep. The tests went on and on with Selby failing every one.

‘Now for the rain test,’ she said.

‘The rain test?’ Cousin Wil asked.

‘Yes, watch.’

The scientist got out a kennel and put it next to Selby. Next she turned on a garden hose and pointed it up in the air. Selby just sat there letting the freezing water soak him.

‘The dumbest thing I can think of doing is to just stand here instead of going into that nice, dry, warm doghouse,’ he thought. ‘And that’s what I’m going to do even if I catch pneumonia! I’m going to fail this test even if it kills me!’

Finally the scientist shook her head and turned off the water.

‘I’m terribly sorry,’ Cousin Wilhemina said finally. ‘Whoever filled out that form must have
been joking. Selby is as thick as a brick. We won’t waste your time any longer. Come along, Selby.’

‘I knew that if I really used my brain I could fail,’ Selby thought. ‘I hope she takes me home straight away. I can’t stand dog shows.’

‘Waste my time? Are you kidding? This is fantastic!’ the scientist shrieked. ‘This calls for some serious testing.’

‘But why would you want to test a dog that’s obviously as dull as ditchwater?’ Cousin Wil asked.

‘The point is that in order to get our dog IQ tests right we need to test dogs that are really smart, of course, but we also need at least one that’s an absolute bonehead. And this dog is the biggest numbskull I’ve ever come across. Why he doesn’t even have enough sense to come in out of the rain! I’m going to send him off to the National Dog Testing Lab in Canberra for a year of testing!’

‘What have I done?!’ Selby thought. ‘I shouldn’t have tried to fail
everything.
I should have just tried to be average. I don’t want to be tested by stupid scientists for a whole year! They
might even keep me for another year! Maybe I should talk to this nitwit in plain English and explain what I did and why I did it. What am I saying?! Then they’d want to keep me forever!’

Suddenly a voice boomed behind Selby.

‘Did I hear you say that you wanted to send Selby somewhere for testing? You’ll do no such thing!’

There, standing in the doorway, was Mrs Trifle looking very angry.

‘Why have you brought Selby here
Cousin Wil,’ she demanded.

‘I-I-I because he was smart,’ her cousin stammered. ‘Only it turns out he’s really very stupid.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing Selby’s collar. ‘He’s not smart and he’s not stupid. He’s just normal and I’m not having him sent away anywhere. Come along home, Selby.’

‘Oh, thank you for rescuing me!’ Selby thought, breathing a sigh of relief as he trotted after Mrs Trifle. ‘I’m never going to take another one of those silly tests again. I still don’t know what IQ stands for but for me it means
I quit!’

Selby’s secret was out.

Well, nearly out. Selby was one mouse click from ruin. In a fraction of a second, Selby’s secret would be there on the computer screen in huge letters for the Trifles to see. Mrs Trifle cupped her hand over the mouse and started to click.

Selby waited for the terrible moment. He closed his eyes. Hot tears ran down his cheeks. His body shuddered. He began to whimper and whine.

‘Gulp. This is it,’ he thought. ‘My carefree life is over. Goodbye freedom. Goodbye peace and quiet. Hello being all over TV all the time. Hello not being able to walk down the street without people talking to me. Hello having to
be studied by scientists. Hello having to
work!
Oh woe woe woe.’

It all happened the day he found a hidden doorway and creaked his way down the rickety staircase to the Dungeon of Doom.

‘Now to find the key to the Dark Chamber. If I find that maybe I can find the Celestial Treasure Chest too!’ Selby thought. ‘Doom Avengers is such a great computer game! I can’t stop playing it! I think of it night and day. Every time I close my eyes it’s there. If the Trifles stay away for another hour maybe I can get to Level Two. Oh, boy!’

Selby moved the mouse, slowly searching the dungeon. There was a painting of a windmill on one wall, and a bookcase filled with books on another. On the floor was a sword and a rocking horse.

‘The key must be here somewhere,’ Selby said, moving the arrow around the screen and clicking on everything in sight.

The windmill in the painting turned and then stopped. The sword sent off glittering rays, and the rocking horse rocked forward and back.

Suddenly a deep voice said:

Here’s a clue for Level Two:

If you can read then you’ll succeed.

‘Read? Succeed?’ Selby thought. ‘I know!’

Selby moved the pointer over the bookcase, clicking frantically. Finally a book fell to the floor and opened.

‘There it is!’ Selby gasped. ‘The key to the Dark Chamber!’

Selby used the pointer to put the key in the lock. With a creak the door opened.

Clever you, you’ve reached Level Two

Now let’s see if you can get to Level Three.

‘Oh, goody!’ Selby thought as he looked around. ‘Now for the Celestial Treasure Chest. Where could it be? In the mummy case? Maybe I have to unwrap the mummy. Or could it be something to do with the bottles in the wine rack? Maybe I’m supposed to pull down the chandelier.’

Selby was so caught up in the game that he didn’t notice that the Trifles had returned.
Suddenly Mrs Trifle peered in the door of the study.

‘Selby!’ she screamed. ‘What are you doing?’

Selby froze. His fur stood on end. His ears were as hot as match heads.

‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘She’s caught me using the computer! This is it! Why did I ever get hooked on this stupid game?!’

‘What’s wrong?’ Dr Trifle called.

‘Come quickly!’ Mrs Trifle yelled. ‘Selby is at the computer. Look!’

Selby’s mind raced like the hands of a broken clock.

‘She can’t see that the computer is on from where she’s standing,’ he thought. ‘For all she knows I’m just sitting in the chair
in front of
the computer. I’ve got to turn this thing off without her seeing. And I’ve got to do it
fast!’

Selby’s paw quietly pressed the OFF button shutting down the computer. But just as it went off these words flashed on the screen and then disappeared:

SELBY IS THE NEW MASTER

‘Oh, no!’ he thought. ‘I must have typed my real name when I started the game! I should have just made up a name! I didn’t know it was going to do this!’

‘What a hoot,’ Mrs Trifle said as she and Dr Trifle came around the desk. ‘Selby looks like he’s actually using the computer — but of course that’s impossible.’

‘We should get a photo of him sitting here.’

‘Forget the photo,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You forgot why we raced home. We’ve got to have another go at Doom Avengers. I love that game!’

‘Me too. Let’s boot it up,’ said Dr Trifle. ‘Come on, Selby, get down from there.’

Selby climbed down and lay on the carpet in a panic.

‘That was
soooo
close!’ he thought. ‘But it’s not over yet. If they don’t get further along in the game than I did it’ll say SELBY IS STILL THE MASTER when they quit. Then they’ll know that I was playing with the computer and they’ll put two and two together and then they’ll know my secret!’

‘Let’s pick up the game from where we left off, okay?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I don’t want to start from the beginning again.’

Selby watched as the Trifles fumbled their way through the Magic Maze to the hidden door behind the Fantasy Fountain.

‘How do we open the door?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘There’s no key and there’s no doorknob. We’re stuck.’

‘Just knock the knocker, for heaven’s sake!’ Selby thought. ‘It’s simple!’

‘Maybe we should try knocking the knocker,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘I don’t know,’ Dr Trifle cautioned. ‘Remember, if you do the wrong thing sometimes you end up back at the beginning again. Maybe we should think of a reason why we should be knocking the knocker before we do it.’

‘You’re right,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Let’s just quit and come back later.’

‘Forget the reasons!’ Selby thought. ‘Just go ahead! Don’t be so scared. Try things! It’s only a game. Please don’t quit now!’

‘Oh! Let’s live dangerously,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I
can’t stand the suspense. I’ve got to try the knocker.’

Selby breathed a sigh of relief as the door opened and the Trifles made their way down the staircase and into the Dungeon of Doom.

Once again the voice said:

Here’s a clue for Level Two:

If you can read then you’ll succeed.

‘Hmmm,’ Dr Trifle hmmmed. ‘These clues are too confusing. Of course we know how to read but what does that have to do with anything?’

For fifteen minutes Selby watched as the Trifles tried everything in the room. Finally, just as they were about to give up, they touched the book in the bookcase and out came the book and the key. In a minute they were inside the Dark Chamber.

The deep voice spoke again:

Clever you, you’ve reached Level Two

Now let’s see if you can get to Level Three.

Mrs Trifle tried and tried to find the Celestial Treasure Chest without success.

‘Oh, I give up,’ she said. ‘And I’m hungry. Let’s close it down and come back after lunch.’

‘Any minute now they’ll stop the game and the sign will flash on and give my secret away,’ Selby thought.

Selby waited for the terrible moment. He closed his eyes. Hot tears ran down his cheeks. His body shuddered. He began to whimper and whine.

‘Gulp. This is it,’ he thought.

Dr Trifle looked away from the computer screen.

‘Goodness,’ he said. ‘Selby must be having a bad dream. He’s-he’s sort of whining. I’ve never heard him whine before. He must be sick. I think we should take him to the vet.’

‘I think we’re onto something here,’ Mrs Trifle said, staring at the computer screen.

‘You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Please darling, could it wait? I’m really into this.’

‘But Selby could be sick. Would you please listen to me?’

‘I’m listening, I’m listening. I’ll be with you in a second,’ Mrs Trifle said moving the pointer to the wine rack. ‘Please don’t spoil my concentration.’

Suddenly a bottle moved out and there was a loud
clong!
as the wine rack slid aside. There behind it was the Celestial Treasure Chest.

More more more! You’re heading for Level Four.

If you stay alive, you could reach Level Five.

‘Now that’s enough,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You’re getting hooked on this silly game. It’s not good for you. Let’s have some lunch, okay?’

‘That’s fine with me,’ Mrs Trifle said, clicking the mouse to stop the game. With this, this sign came up:

MRS TRIFLE IS THE NEW MASTER

‘You’re a very clever person,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘How did you know to pull out that bottle in the wine rack?’

‘Me? You were the one who said it.’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘Yes, you did. You said something about wine.’

‘No, no,’ Dr Trifle laughed. ‘I said I’d never heard Selby whine before.
Wh-wh-whine,
not
wine.
I knew you weren’t listening to me.’

‘Sorry, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But look, Selby seems okay now. Why he’s as happy as Larry.’

‘I’m happier than Larry,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m as happy as
Selby!’