Selby Surfs (6 page)

‘Now all I have to do is give it to Gary,’ Selby thought.

The filming had started again in the library. This time Dino was acting very shy and using the words from the script as Gary Gaggs and a hundred others watched quietly.

It was a stealthy Selby who sneaked up to slip the note in Gary’s hand.

‘Bonnie, darling, we’re going to get that hair of yours moving, okay?’ the director called. ‘Okay, keep the scene going you two. Hey, somebody turn on the wind machine.’

With Gary’s hand hanging down to his side, Selby sneaked up from behind and slipped the note between his fingers. He then ducked back
into the crowd, unnoticed. But just as the note touched Gary’s hand, the wind came up and blew it away. It tumbled over and over on the ground …

Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward, snatching the note from the floor. He read it in silence before turning to see if he could catch a glimpse of the mysterious messenger.

‘What’s he going to do?’ Selby thought. ‘Come on, Gary! Go to the park!’

Gary read the note again. After the third time he tore it up and hurried off down the street.

‘Yessssssssssssss!’ Selby hissed as he ran after Gary. ‘It worked!’

Gary found Camilla sitting on the bench.

‘Camilla,’ he said.

‘Gary?’ she said back.

‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

‘What is it, Gary?’

‘Well I-I …’

‘Yes, Gary?’

‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

‘Do you like it?’

‘Yes and I like you too,’ Gary said very quickly.

‘Oh, Gary,’ Camilla gushed.

‘When I wrote the script for the film I was thinking of you.’

‘You were? I was the librarian? I was Bonnie Blake?’

‘Yes, and guess who the man who really wanted a girlfriend was? Me. I can get up and tell jokes to hundreds of people but I’m really very shy. I was too shy to tell you how much I liked you. That’s what made me think of the story for the film,’ Gary explained. ‘And now … well, here we are.’

‘Yes, we are, Gary,’ Camilla said, reaching out and taking his hands in hers. ‘You’re such a lovely person. And you have such a wonderful sense of humour. Could you tell me a joke?’

‘Sure. Do you know how scientists weigh whales?’

‘No, how do they, Gary?’

‘They take them to a whale weigh station,’ Gary said with a great laugh. And then he put his thumbs in his armpits and strutted around
like a chicken saying, ‘Woo! Woo! Woo! Sorry, but I like to do that when I tell a joke.’

‘I love it!’ Camilla said. ‘Tell me another one.’

‘Did you hear the one about the bloke who put egg whites in his gun? He wanted to make a boom-meringue. Get it? Woo! Woo! Woo!’ Gary said. ‘Get it?’

‘Boom-meringue?’ Camilla said. ‘Oh, I get it.’

‘I don’t get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, I know, you make meringues with egg whites! That’s great!’

‘How about the two ants who ran away and secretly got married? They were ant-elopes. Woo! Woo! Woo! Then there was this train that liked to eat all the time. It was a
chew chew
train. Woo! Woo! Woo!’

‘This is fantabulous!’ Selby thought as he trotted off towards home. ‘Gary’s jokes are wonderful! He’s the perfect guy for Camilla. I’m sure they’ll make each other very happy.’

And so it was that Gary Gaggs and Camilla Bonzer fell in love and had a wonderful time together.

*  *  *

Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward. But he was too late. The paper made its way between the legs of the camera crew and lodged in the open copy of
Even You Can Act
that lay at Dino’s feet.

‘Cut!’ the director called. ‘That’s a wrap for the day. Okay, kids, you were great. Your limos will pick you up at six tomorrow morning.’

Dino picked up the book and saw the note.

‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘He’ll think it’s from Camilla to him.’

Dino read the note and then tore it up, throwing the pieces on the floor.

‘He’s torn it up. Good,’ Selby thought. ‘Now to write another one and get it to Gary Gaggs. Hmmm, how will I do it?’

Selby was just searching for more paper and another pencil when he noticed Dino hurrying off down the street towards Bogusville Park.

‘I can’t believe it! He’s going to be nasty to Camilla again!’ Selby thought. ‘But not if I have anything to say about it! I’ll fix that useless little twerp!’

Selby raced after Dino but didn’t catch up to him until the actor had reached the park bench where Camilla sat weeping.

‘Camilla,’ he said.

‘Dino?????’ she said back.

‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

‘What is it, Dino?’

‘Well I-I …’

‘Yes, Dino?’

‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’m really here to apologise for being so rude to you,’ Dino said very quickly. ‘It was
unforgivable. I was just so tense because I couldn’t play my part in the movie. Bonnie was right, I really didn’t know how to do anything but play myself.’

‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Camilla said. ‘It’s just that I really wanted to meet you.’

‘That book saved my life,’ Dino said. ‘I had a look at it during our break. It’s true that it was aimed at kids but some of the things it said about acting were … how can I say this?’

‘You learned some important things, did you?’

‘Exactly.’

‘Well, you’re forgiven, Dino,’ Camilla said. ‘I think we’ve both learned something important today. I learned that I shouldn’t fall in love with mega-super-movie stars.’

‘Camilla …?’ Dino said.

‘Yes, Dino?’ Camilla said back.

‘I think I love you.’

‘You do? How is that possible?’ Camilla said, taking his hand in hers.

‘I don’t know but that’s how I feel. Would you like to come dancing with me tonight? That lovely dress would be perfect to wear to a fancy nightclub.’

‘But there aren’t any fancy nightclubs in Bogusville, Dino. There aren’t even any un-fancy ones.’

‘I have my private jet. We could fly off to the city and dance till dawn. How about it, Camilla?’

‘Oh, Dino, Dino, Dino, of course I’d love to. This is my dream come true.’

For a moment Camilla and Dino stood, hand in hand looking into each other’s eyes.

‘Well,’ Selby thought, ‘this wasn’t exactly how the note was supposed to work but it certainly worked. Oh, isn’t it lovely (sigh) that Camilla’s wish came true.’

And so it was that Dino diSwarve and Camilla Bonzer danced the night away. When the movie was finished they moved to Hollywood where Dino continued to be a mega-super-star and Camilla started a library for movie stars and filled it with books about movies and acting and actors.

‘What? Tear down the public toilet at the sports ground?’ Aunt Jetty gasped. ‘You can’t just ditch a dunny like that!’

‘We have to,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It gets vandalised every week. The council can’t afford to keep fixing it.’

Selby peered out from under the lounge as Aunt Jetty’s dreadful son, Willy, and his equally dreadful brother, Billy, ran around the house looking for him.

‘Where’s that doggy?’ Willy squealed as he tore by. ‘I’m gonna get him!’

‘You can’t just get rid of a toilet because someone paints a rude word or two on the walls,’
Aunt Jetty said. ‘Willy and Billy play footie at that field every weekend. How are they supposed to go to the loo if there’s no loo to go to?’

‘They can wait till they get home,’ said Mrs Trifle.

‘You’re the mayor,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Get a council worker to paint over the graffiti every now and then.’

‘It’s not just graffiti. Someone is plugging up the toilet, too.’

‘With what?’

‘Sticks, frisbies, school uniforms, you name it.’

‘Then catch them and have them arrested.’

‘I’m not going to ask a police officer to hide in the loo all week hoping to catch the culprit. I’m sorry but it’s going to be goodbye PCRF.’

‘PC what?’

‘PCRF. That’s council talk. Our technical name for a public toilet is a Public Convenience Relief Facility.’

Later, when Aunt Jetty and her sons were safely out of the house, Selby crawled out from under the lounge, and Dr Trifle emerged from his workroom.

‘Did I hear you say that you were going to dump the dunny at the sports ground?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘I’m afraid so.’

‘Well I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about toilets recently and it seems to me that what the world needs is an un-graffiti-able, un-plug-up-able public loo.’

‘I’m sure that’s true.’

‘Well you may be interested to hear that I’ve already drawn up the plans and I was just about to make the first one.’

‘What a wonderful coincidence,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘That’s what I love about Dr Trifle,’ Selby thought. ‘While other inventors are thinking about computers and space travel, he invents inventions that really matter to people. While their heads are in the clouds, his head is in the toilet. Only I’m not sure that’s the right way to say it.’

Two weeks later Mrs Trifle came home to find Dr Trifle in the backyard standing next to a big square metal box taller than he was.

‘Have a look at my newly invented SDP for the PCRF at the sports ground,’ Dr Trifle said, flinging open the door and revealing the very strange looking toilet inside.

‘Your SDP?’ Mrs Trifle said with a frown.

‘My Super Duper Pooper,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Oh, I’m not sure about the name. Perhaps you could call it an SDL,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘A Super Duper Loo. Even better, make it an SAA: a Soop-Adoop-Aloo.’

‘That sounds good,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle a can of spray paint. ‘Now step inside and write something rude on the wall.’

Mrs Trifle stepped into the loo and sprayed the words DR TRIFLE IS A — and then stopped.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I can’t write anything rude about you dear. Besides, I don’t know any rude words.’

‘Oh, go ahead. You’ll think of something.’

Mrs Trifle hesitated and then finished the sentence. It said:

DR TRIFLE IS A SILLY BOTTOM

‘Charming,’ he mumbled. ‘So that’s what you think of me.’

‘I don’t really think you’re a silly bottom, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘In fact you’re a very clever bottom.’

‘Okay, watch this,’ Dr Trifle said.

Suddenly there was a gurgling and a bubbling and water streamed down the inside of the walls washing Mrs Trifle’s words away.

‘That’s fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘Automatic self-cleaning toilet walls! Dr Trifle is brilliant!’

‘How did you do that?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Simple. The walls are painted with my newly invented anti-graffiti paint, Graff-Rid. The Loo-Brain does the rest.’

‘The Loo-Brain?’

‘That’s what I call my automatic control system. When someone puts paint on the walls it knows it and sends special chemicals streaming down to wash it off.’

‘But what if the vandals scratch the words in the paint?’

‘Try it,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle a nail.

Mrs Trifle tried to scratch her name into the paint but couldn’t.

‘Goodness!’ she exclaimed. ‘This paint is very hard.’

‘Graff-Rid is made with a powder of the same super hard metals as space vehicles. This paint would stop a rocket.’

‘Dr Trifle has to be the smartest person in the whole world!’ Selby thought. ‘No one else could make a loo that would stop a rocket?!’

‘This is all absolutely wonderful, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But the biggest problem with the PCRF at the sports ground is that someone is plugging it up.’

‘I’ve thought of that,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle an old worn out beach towel. ‘Go ahead, flush this down the loo.’

Mrs Trifle threw the towel into the toilet and flushed. For a minute the water rose. Then there was a sudden series of sucking and gushing noises followed by a big gulp and a huge burping noise as the towel disappeared.

‘Why that’s wonderful!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘But what about bigger things?’

‘This big?’ Dr Trifle asked, handing her a basketball.

‘That’s silly. A basketball can’t fit down a loo.’

‘Try it.’

Mrs Trifle put the basketball into the toilet
and flushed. Selby and the Trifles watched and listened as the water rose. The series of sucking and gurgling noises increased and, finally, with the basketball stuck firmly in the bottom of the toilet, there was a huge
pop!
and the ball shot out of the toilet followed by a gush of water.

‘It didn’t flush,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘But it didn’t clog up either. If something refuses to go down the hole then the pressure reverses and it pushes it out. The Loo-Brain has a mind of its own which makes this toilet unplugable. Well it’s not a
mind
mind, just a little doover that ticks over when the pressure gets up to the red zone. Then the whole cycle goes into flip-flop mode and then
whammo splasho ploppo
out comes the basketball. It’s a flush or fling toilet.’

‘Heavens!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed, looking at the wet spots on her blouse. ‘I think I’ve been splashed with you-know-what from the toilet!’

‘It’s just a jet of clean water. I keep the pressure gauge low so that no you-know-what or even what-do-you-call-'ems can come back out.’

‘Well that’s a relief,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Oh, and I forgot to tell you that when the system flip-flops, a vandal alarm rings. Another one goes off in the police station so the police can come running and catch the culprit.’

‘You are a marvel,’ Mrs Trifle said, giving her husband a big hug. ‘Will your SAA be ready to put in the PCRF in time for Saturday’s kiddies’ footie match?’

‘Absolutely.’

Sure enough, the following Saturday Selby followed Dr and Mrs Trifle down the street to the sports ground where the Soop-Adoop-Aloo had been installed earlier that morning. He hid in the bushes and watched Willy and Billy play in the weekly footie match. Afterwards, as the crowd was leaving, he saw Dr Trifle go into the loo and come out again.

‘No one’s tried to damage it,’ he reported. ‘So I guess it wasn’t much of a test.’

‘No one’s going to try any funny business while there are so many people around,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘The moment we leave, I’ll bet the vandals will strike. Jetty,’ she said turning to
her sister, ‘how about coming back to our place for lunch?’

‘No, I have things to do at home,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Come along, boys.’

‘No!’ screamed Willy. ‘I don’t want to go home now! I want to stay here and play footie with Billy!’

‘Me too!’ Billy screamed, kicking the football over the top of a small tree. ‘We can walk home later.’

‘All right, boys, but be good,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘And remember you’ve got clean clothes in your sports bags. Change out of those grubby clothes so you’ll be respectable when you come home. That’ll be a nice surprise for mummy.’

‘Okay, Mummy,’ Willy and Billy said together.

‘Those monsters couldn’t be good if their lives depended on it,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to stay right here and keep an eye on them.’

As soon as the adults were out of sight, Willy reached into his sports bag and got out a can of spray paint.

‘Hey, Billy!’ Willy said, dashing into the SAA. ‘Guess what you are?!’

‘That’s not fair!’ Billy yelled, running in after him.

‘I knew it!’ Selby thought as he snuck around behind the toilet. ‘Willy and Billy were the culprits all along! They’re the ones who have been destroying the loo.’

Selby watched from the tiny window at the back of the SAA as Willy started writing on the wall.

‘Billy is a
— He’s a what?! I don’t even know what that word means!’ Selby thought.

‘Gimme that!’ Billy screamed, grabbing the can out of Willy’s hands and changing the
B
in Billy to a
W
to make it Willy.

Suddenly there was a gurgle and liquid poured down the wall, washing away the words.

‘What the …?!’ Billy said. ‘It’s gone! That’s not fair.’

‘Fair enough for you,’ Selby thought.

‘Watch this!’ Willy said, getting a big nail out of his pocket and trying to a scratch a word on the wall. ‘Hey! I can’t scratch it! What’s going on?!’

‘I’ll tell you what’s going on,’ Selby thought. ‘Your little bird-brains are no match for Dr Trifle’s brain.’

‘Let’s go home and watch videos,’ Billy said. ‘This is no fun.’

Selby watched as Willy and Billy took off their dirty footie clothes and boots. Then, just as they were going to get clean clothes out of their sports bags, Willy said, ‘I know! Let’s block up the pooper!’

‘Let’s do it!’ Billy squealed.

With this he picked up Willy’s football clothes and threw them in the toilet.

‘No!’ Willy screamed.

But it was too late. For a minute the water rose, then there was a sudden series of sucking and gushing noises, a big gulp and a huge
burp
and Willy’s clothes disappeared down the hole.

‘That was so much fun!’ Billy giggled.

But before he could think, Willy had flushed Billy’s clothes down, too.

‘You stupy stinkbottom!’ Billy screamed as he threw Willy’s sports bag in the loo and flushed.

Again there were gushings and suckings and gulpings and then, just before Willy’s sports bag disappeared, Willy threw Billy’s in too. With one loud
burp
they were gone.

‘Now look what you’ve done!’ Billy cried, punching his brother.

‘Me?!’ Willy wailed as he punched Billy back. ‘You started it!’

Selby’s smile turned into a grin as Willy and Billy punched it out in the SAA.

‘I don’t think I’ve had so much fun in years,’ Selby thought. ‘If I could get this on video I’d watch it every time I wanted a good laugh.’

Finally, the fight finished with both boys in tears.

‘I’ll fix that stupy stinkypoo dunny!’ Willy cried as he threw their one last possession — the football — into the toilet. ‘This will break it!’

‘Don’t count on it,’ Selby thought.

For a few moments there were suckings and gushings and gurglings as the water rose and fell. The football stuck fast in the bottom.

‘It’s too big to flush,’ Selby thought. ‘So now the Loo-Brain’s going to fling it.’

Selby watched the needle go up and up towards the red zone, setting off the vandal alarm.

‘What’s that noise?!’ Willy screamed, clapping his hands over his ears.

‘I don’t know!’ Billy screamed back.

‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘The needle is already up in the red zone but nothing’s happening! The ball is just the wrong size! The Loo-Brain can’t make up its mind between flushing or flinging! I’ll have to turn up the pressure!’

Selby noticed a bright red tap at the back of the Soop-Adoop-Aloo. ‘This must be the water pressure valve,’ he thought. He opened the valve more and more and watched the arrow shoot past the red zone and to the very top of the dial. Suddenly there was a rumbling like an earthquake and then an ear-splitting
burp!
The cycle flip-flopped again and the football shot up so hard that it pounded around the inside of the dunny like a stray ping-pong ball. And following it was a geyser of liquid. Only this time it wasn’t just clean water.