Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (36 page)

According to Kramer, Elaine is a man’s woman--she hates other women and they hate her--so that would explain why she really only had one male friend, and the rest were boyfriends.  Elaine was gaga over Kevin, a man from Kentucky, whom she met at a newsstand.  Their common goal is a barren sterile existence that ends at death.  Kevin proves his love by undergoing a vasectomy, and when Elaine admits that she may want children, he has the procedure reversed.

Kevin is considerate and reliable--the complete opposite of Jerry (he is Bizarro Jerry).  Kevin's friends are also the complete opposite of Kramer, George and Newman: they hang out at Reggie's Diner; visit the library to read; Kevin's apartment is arranged the exact opposite of Jerry's, including a unicycle hanging on the wall; Gene (George) insists on paying for meals; Feldman (Kramer) rings the doorbell before entering, brings food into Kevin's apartment, and has reasonable ideas, such as an alarm clock that also provides a weather forecast; and Vargas (Newman) works for Federal Express and is Kevin's good friend.  Elaine reached a crossroad in her life and told Jerry that she cannot spend the rest of her life coming into his apartment every ten minutes to pour over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event.  In the end, Elaine only wanted to be friends with Kevin, and he willingly agreed.

Education

According to Elaine, girls never give wedgies; instead, they tease a girl until she develops an eating disorder.  Elaine attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard, and became involved in equestrian competitions and debutante balls.  She attended Tufts College (it was her safety school), and a former classmate, Barry Prophet, prepares her taxes.

Elaine’s post-graduate enrollment included the following courses: short story with friends Stan and Joanne, art class at the New School for Social Research, and art history (but dropped the class after sitting next to a man who drank coffee and made an "ahh!" sound after every sip).  Despite several art classes, Elaine does not draw very well; her skills are limited to pathetic horseys, houses with a curl of smoke, sunflowers with a smiley face, and a transparent cube.  Elaine describes a woman's body is a work of art, and claims a man's body is utilitarian, like a jeep.  She perceives male nakedness as hideous; with all the hair and lumpiness, it is truly simian.

Employment - Pendant Publishing

Elaine began employment at Pendant Publishing in 1988 as a manuscript reader.  Three years later she envisioned a promotion to editor when Pendant published the first book of Rava, a major young writing talent from Finland.  Her boyfriend, Raymond Thomas Wochinski, who's professional name is Ray Thomas, attended Columbia Graduate School and worked part-time cleaning apartments.  Rava insisted upon having Elaine edit the manuscript but a disagreement resulted in Elaine's demotion to proofreading a food allergy cookbook.  Later that year Elaine fretted about termination when her boss, Mr. Lippman, expressed displeasure with her work product.

Elaine's assistant, Sandra, often engaged in 20 minutes of idle chit chat before forwarding calls to Elaine.  When Elaine discouraged the practice, Sandra quit.  Jerry eventually persuaded Sandra to return, so Elaine immediately transferred her to a different office.  Sandra retaliated by informing Lippman about numerous unauthorized long distance telephone calls to Europe, and Elaine was billed $429.

Pendant Publishing doled out $1 million to publish the new book of Yuri Testikov, a Russian writer who does not need inspiration because God speaks to him through his pen.  Elaine was assigned to work on the book but caused friction when she claimed that Tolstoy's
War and Peace
was originally entitled
War--What Is It Good For?

Elaine had two other noteworthy assignments.  First, she performed the final edit on Jake Jarmel's book and added an inordinate number of exclamation points to accentuate the justification behind her romantic breakup with him (that involved his failure to use an exclamation point).  The other assignment was editing a book on running, where Elaine was fortunate to meet Jean-Paul Jean-Paul, a marathon runner from Trinidad and Tabago.  Jean-Paul overslept at the 1988 Olympic games in Barcelona, Spain due to the volume control button on his radio alarm.

When the senior editor, Bob Rosen, accepted a vice president position at Knopf Publishing, Elaine was considered for the promotion.  Although she had seniority, experience, and Lippman began respecting her opinion, coworker Toby was promoted based upon pity--she lost her pinkie toe in an accident and Lippman did not want to hurt her feelings.  Toby's first order of business was publishing Kramer's coffee table book and assigning Elaine to the project.  The promotion was particularly upsetting to Elaine because Toby is annoying and behaves like a contestant on "The Price Is Right."

Within a couple weeks Elaine was promoted and given a raise.  Although Pendant was experiencing financial hardship, the company was supposedly saved by a merger with a Japanese conglomerate, Matsushimi.  Unfortunately, the deal soured and Pendant Publishing dissolved due to Elaine's love for Jujyfruit candy.  When Lippman left his handkerchief on Elaine's desk, she was unable to inform him because her mouth was stuffed full of Jujyfruit.  Lippman was subsequently introduced to Matsushimi executives, but refused to shake their hands because he had germs after sneezing into his hands.

Elaine's Supervisor, Mr. Lippman, was editor-in-chief at Pendant Publishing.  His office was decorated in a southwestern motif, which included a cigar store Indian.  Lippman never missed the Sunday sports section, and received box seat tickets to Yankee games from his accountant, Lenny West.  After Pendant Publishing dissolved, Lippman dreamed of owning a publishing house, which nearly became a reality when he had a joint publishing venture with Elaine's ex-boyfriend, Jake Jarmel.  Regrettably, Elaine purposely offered Lippman a pair of unique Malaysian eyeglasses to infuriate the author, who proceeded to physically accost Lippman.  Thereafter, Lippman began working for Pundit Publishing, the publisher of J. Peterman's autobiography.

Although Elaine devises the idea of selling only the muffin tops, Mr. Lippman stole the concept, and opened the business Top of the Muffin to You!  When sales lagged, Elaine insisted upon 30% of the profits to save the venture, and they created a partnership.  To solve the sales crisis, Elaine suggested making the whole muffin and donating the stump to a soup kitchen.  Unfortunately, the homeless shelter rejected the leftovers and a garbage strike caused a backlog of stumps.  In a desperate maneuver, Elaine hired a cleaner to consume the stumps, and the best man for the job with a hearty appetite was Newman.

Employment - Mr. Pitt

After the demise of Pendant Publishing, Elaine searched for alternate employment in the literary field.  She unsuccessfully interviewed for an editor position at Bantam Doubleday Dell to replace Jackie Onassis, but fortuitously met millionaire Justin Pitt.  He was a very close friend of Jackie O., and took an instant liking to Elaine because of her striking resemblance to the ex-first lady.

Elaine was hired as Mr. Pitt's personal assistant, receiving the same wage she earned at Pendant.  Her duties included handling his personal affairs, e.g., buying socks, removing salt from pretzels, sharpening pencils, purchasing a Rolamech 1000 mechanical pencil, and housesitting while he visited Scotland.

Mr. Pitt's father was a stern man who forbade his son from engaging in activities associated with the common man, such as Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  Nevertheless, Mr. Pitt is a fan of Woody Woodpecker and finds his laugh intoxicating.  He encouraged Elaine to compete in a radio station (WFBD) contest to identify big band hits.  When she properly identified the song "Next Stop, Pottersville," the prize was holding a rope for the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  On a personal note, Mr. Pitt plays tennis against Ethel Kennedy, and enjoys horseback riding on a horse named Jenny.  He also started a fad across New York City by eating a Snickers candy bar with a knife and fork.

As part of his business affairs, Mr. Pitt spent months on the Poland Creek merger to create a new bottled water company, Moland Spring.  When Elaine admitted that she would never drink water named Moland, a name controversy threatened the merger.  At the board of directors' emergency meeting, Mr. Pitt resembled Adolph Hitler and affirmatively declared that he will annex Poland at any cost and the stock prices will rise (while giving the Third Reich salute).

After seven months, Elaine decided to terminate her employment with Mr. Pitt.  As she prepared to break the news, he amended his will to include her as a beneficiary because she was like a daughter to him.  Soon Elaine was suspected of plotting Mr. Pitt's demise--he took a dangerous combination of heart medication and cold drugs, Elaine had suspicious telephone conversations, and Mr. Pitt recognized Jerry Seinfeld as the person who recommended the near-fatal cold medicine.  When the circumstances appeared more than coincidental, Elaine was fired.

Employment - J. Peterman

In a fortuitous meeting on the streets of New York City, Elaine was hired by J. Peterman to work for his clothing catalogue.  She was crying and sauntering aimlessly in the rain when he noticed her jacket ("very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, drawstring waist, deep bi-swing vents in the back--perfect for jumping into a gondola").  They went for a drink, and when he asked about her shirt, she replied: "This innocent-looking shirt has something that is not innocent--touchability; heavy, silky Italian cotton; a fine, almost terrycloth-like feeling; five-button placket, relaxed fit; innocence and mayhem at once."

Peterman was immediately impressed, so he hired her as a catalogue copywriter, and gave her a secretary (Janine).  In addition to writing copy, Elaine functioned as Peterman's personal assistant.  One task involved attending the Sotheby auction to purchase John F. Kennedy's presidential golf clubs, the infamous set that was photographed while the president was chipping at Burning Tree on the morning of the Bay of Pigs invasion.  Peterman wanted the clubs for a golf outing scheduled with Ethel Kennedy, and authorized Elaine to spend $10,000.  Elaine competed against rival Sue Ellen Mischke, and obtained the prized set for $20,000.

Besides being an associate and personal assistant, Elaine was assigned the task of ghostwriting J. Peterman's autobiography.  When his day-to-day life proved too boring, he spent $750 to purchase Kramer's life stories.  Peterman even suggested that Elaine use her imaginative powers to include herself amongst his many romantic escapades.  When the autobiography was released,
No Placket Required
(Pundit Publishing 1997), Peterman had a book signing promotion at Waldenbooks.

The Boss.
Clothier Jacopo Peterman is known for narrating long, boring stories.  He grew up in Costa Rica, and is well-traveled, having visited Africa, China, and Burma, where he apparently went insane (claiming to be a white poet warlord fearful of an errand girl assassin sent by a grocery clerk to collect a debt).  In 1979 Peterman fell under the spell of opium while traveling the Yangtze River in search of a Mongolian horse-hair vest.  Peterman was also in the Peace Corp where he worked to clothe the naked natives of Bantu Besh, which became the fashion inspiration for the Pygmy pullover.  Another clothing inspiration came from Sue Ellen Mischke wearing a bra as a top, which he marketed as a new direction in women's fashion--the Gatsby Swingtop.

Promotion.
In the middle of a company meeting, Peterman wandered out of the office and proclaimed that he was burned out.  He traveled to Myanmar (Burma) and gave Elaine instructions to run the catalogue.  As president, Elaine received stock options and a corporate expense account.  When company auditor Roger Ipswich required Elaine to justify the excessive expenditures, she created a business use for every item, except a misplaced sable hat.  She purchased a poorly-made rat hat made of nutria, but Ipswich was not fooled.  When he recommended termination of employment, Elaine traveled to Myanmar to have Peterman approve the purchase.

Although Elaine doubted her qualifications as corporate president, Kramer offered inspiration, quoting a
Star Trek
movie.  Her first order of business was designing and marketing the Urban Sombrero, which combined the spirit of old Mexico with big city panache.  She displayed the sombrero on the catalogue cover, but soon realized the fashion faux pas.

After completion of her first catalogue issue, Elaine threw a company party to reward the employees for their hard work.  Unfortunately, she embarrassed herself and lost all respect after engaging in a dance described as a full-body dry heave set to music.  Elaine blamed George for the embarrassment because he was like a virus that attached to a healthy host company, and soon the entire staff became infected.

When Peterman returned to the catalogue after a three-month hiatus, the catalogue stock prices soared 12 ½ points.  Elaine was reinstated to her original position and salary, but lost the stock options.

At the second annual Peterman party, Elaine met Zach, and during a drunken stupor, engaged in a humiliating make-out session.  To avoid being labeled the office skank, Elaine pretended that she and Zach had been dating for three months.  When his cocaine addiction was exposed, Peterman insisted that Elaine remain by Zach's side and assist in the recovery.  (Peterman felt responsible for the addiction because he sent Zach to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles, told him pseudo-erotic tales of opium excursions, and provided telephone numbers of places to score drugs near the hotel.)  Zach survived withdrawals, Elaine became the office hero, and a new fashion was created--the detox poncho.

Coworker Tension.
Elaine experienced employment tension with Peggy, a coworker who works in design.  She referred to Elaine as Susie, and chastised Elaine Benes as a dolt worthy of termination.  When Susie was assigned to oversee the fingerless glove division, an assignment previously earmarked for Elaine, Peterman was told that Susie committed suicide.  During the eulogy, Peterman fabricated a sexual dalliance, and Elaine was selected to oversee a foundation in Susie's memory.