Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (21 page)

While accompanying Elaine to a friend's birthday party, Jerry met a woman but only knew her first name (Vanessa) and that she was a lawyer at the firm Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.  He decided to stake out the building lobby until she left for lunch.  After one month of dating, they spent a weekend in Vermont at a charming cabin with separate faucets for hot and cold water.  Unfortunately, it rained the entire weekend, Vanessa did not like the faucets, and they could not sustain a conversation.

One of the most twisted romances involved Jerry dating a neighbor while her boyfriend was comatose.  When Gina attempted to break up with Martin, he overdosed on pills and slipped into a coma.  Newman witnessed the macabre tryst, and revealed the liaison upon Martin's awakening.

Another peculiar dating relationship involved Jerry's effort to switch girlfriends and begin dating his current girlfriend's roommate.  His girlfriend, Sandi, never laughed, so Jerry became interested in her jocular roommate, Laura.  He tried to effectuate the switch, and devised the perfect plan:

Jerry would mention having a ménage à trois with Sandi and her roommate.  Sandi would be upset and tell Laura, who would be sympathetic yet flattered.  After a few days, Jerry would call Laura, and ask her to dinner.  When Sandi found out, she would dump Jerry and allow Laura to date him.

Jerry implemented the plan, but after mentioning the ménage à trois, Sandi loved the idea and her roommate agreed.  Jerry reeled because he is not an orgy guy because that would require him to change everything--dress and act different, grow a mustache, and buy a new bedspread, curtains, thick carpeting, weird lighting, all kinds of robes and lotions, and find orgy friends.

Tia Van Camp, a 5'10" model for Calvin Klein and The Ocean perfume, also has credentials modeling jeans in
Esquire
magazine and a shoe advertisement.  They met while flying first class from St. Louis to New York, and she was impressed with Jerry's vast knowledge about nothing.  The budding romance abruptly ended when Tia caught Jerry picking his nose.  He claimed it was an exterior rim scratch, but she ignored his repeated efforts to explain.

Elaine's Native American friend, Winona, was offended when Jerry gave Elaine a cigar store Indian.  Unfortunately, his efforts to make amends with a special evening of romance were ultimately hampered by a political correctness faux pas involving reservations, scalping tickets, and being an Indian giver.

Jane is best remembered for being possessive about paper products--not having a square to spare during Elaine's desperate moment on a public toilet.  Although she claims to sell paper products, Kramer recognizes her flinty voice from prior phone sex conversations with a woman named Erica.

Nicki is bold and beautiful, and uses her attractiveness to get whatever she wants.  Jerry lost Nicki to Elaine's coworker, Todd Gack, who utilized a dating loophole to procure a dinner date.

Marlene, a cashier, has a sexy southern accent and maintained a hypnotic psychosexual hold over Jerry.  She talked about meaningless things, called incessantly, and left phone messages that consumed the entire tape.  She ended their relationship after watching his comedy routine--it was too much fluff--and could not date someone she does not respect.

School reporter Sharon Leonard, who resembles Lois Lane, was a graduate student at New York University majoring in journalism.  She interviewed Jerry and wrote an article about his secret homosexual lifestyle.  Although staunchly heterosexual, Jerry is often mistaken as being gay because he is in his late-30s, gets along well with women, and is thin, single and neat.  Jerry's father blamed the homosexual tendency on the culottes his wife bought for Jerry when he was 5 years old.

Jeannie Steinman is Jerry's female counterpart.  They are identical in every respect--talking, acting, ordering cereal in a restaurant, same initials, reading superhero comic books, and telling jokes with the same observations.  Jerry finally realized what he had been waiting for all these years--himself, and finally swept himself off his feet.  He proposed marriage, she accepted, and the wedding was scheduled for the first day of autumn, September 21, 1996.  Jerry eventually reconsidered because they were too compatible, and during lunch they both blurted out, "I hate you."  It was the world's first mutual breakup in relationship history--no rejection, no guilt, no remorse.

Jerry met a woman in the supermarket produce section but could not remember her name; the only clue was that it rhymed with a part of the female anatomy.  He refers to her as Mulva but her actual name is Delores.  A few years later, she had a renewed interest in Jerry after hearing of his engagement to Jeannie, which meant that he could go "all the way" (to the altar).  However, Delores did not believe the mutual breakup story and accuses him of being immature.  Jerry did not deny his lack of growth, but the story was true.

Relying upon George's squinting vision, Jerry reveals an ugly side of his personality by accusing Amy of making out with his cousin, Jeffrey.  Jerry was hoping not to reveal that side for another six months and this incident skewed the entire relationship learning curve.  When George witnesses another make-out session, his glasses reveal it was a policewoman kissing a horse.

On April 10, 1993 Dr. Beth Lookner married an insurance salesman, David.  Jerry patiently waited out the marriage for years to have a chance to date her.  When she divorced and quickly remarried, Jerry vowed to pounce on the first available opportunity.  After accusing her new husband, Arnie, of having an affair with Elaine, Jerry offers consolation and encourages her to end the marriage.  Although the ploy works, Jerry is less enthralled when Beth expresses contempt for blacks and Jews.

While attending a professional baseball game, Jerry met Miss Rhode Island, Karen Ann Hanson.  Unfortunately, the relationship lacked any physical intimacy while Kramer functioned as her Spartan chaperone.  The romance quickly fades when Jerry inadvertently kills her trained doves that were part of a magic act for the talent portion of the competition.

Sergeant Cathy Tierney offers a lie detector test to determine whether Jerry watches "Melrose Place."  He denies watching the show, but the polygraph reveals the prevarication.

While riding the elevator, Jerry uses a smooth pickup line of how he is responsible for the crop circles in England.  Isabel is an aspiring actress so Jerry is forced to read moronic scenes before engaging in uninhibited sex.  He has never been so mentally repulsed yet physically attracted--it was like his brain and penis were competing in a chess match and his brain was purposely losing.

Audrey, the daughter of Poppie, is remembered for her peculiar habit of refusing to taste a Monk's Café apple pie.  While dining at Poppie's restaurant on 77th Street, Jerry observes the restaurateur exiting the restroom without washing his hands.  When Jerry refuses to taste Poppie's specially-prepared meal and then promptly contacts the board of health, the romance inevitably fails.

Former actress, Nina West, is an abstract artist who paints Kramer's portrait.  Her father, Leonard West, is an accountant for the Yankees.  Jerry considers ending the relationship because Nina did not want him to have fun without her and she was jealous of Elaine's friendship with Jerry.  However, he reconsiders after Nina writes a compelling letter to express her undying love, which was plagiarized from Neil Simon's
Chapter Two
.

Pam works at a bookstore, and is known for her nice hair and incredible calves.  At first, Jerry is not gaga over her, but knowing that Kramer is romantically interested, changes his opinion.  Now, Pam is his soul mate.  Since Pam did not want to have children, Jerry proves his love by scheduling a vasectomy with urologist, Dr. Bernard Wendroff, M.D.

In 1988 Jerry invited Mary Contardi to attend one of his shows.  Despite claiming that he had a great time and would call the next day, Jerry never picked up the phone.  Three years later she confronted Jerry and verbally berated him for his past behavior.

Ellen schedules their first date to coincide with her birthday.  Despite being attractive and intelligent (she has a Masters degree from Sorbonne), her friends, Melissa and Kim, intimate that Ellen has a serious flaw.  Even George and Kramer realize her failings.  The final straw for Jerry was his parents overwhelming approval of Ellen.

Abby is obsessed with having someone guide her every action.  When her mentor, Cynthia Pearlman, suggests a career change, Abby leaves mortgage bonds and moves into equities.  Although Cynthia is a successful businesswoman, she exhibits terrible relationship judgment by dating Kenny Bania (but inevitably ends the relationship after watching his act).  Further problems arise when she and Abby terminate their mentor-protégée relationship.  Naturally, Abby is lost without an advisor so she breaks up with Jerry.

Valerie uses her telephone speed dial as a relationship barometer.  After two dates, Jerry is #7 on the speed dial but a late arrival and dreadful dinner at a Mongolian barbecue drops him two places.  He begins playing hardball--dinner, theater, hansom cab ride, and a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble--and the following week skyrockets to #1.  Valerie's stepmother, Mrs. Hamilton, is furious because it took her 13 years to acquire the top spot.  After a convoluted battle over speed dials, Mrs. Hamilton defies the settlement accord by hiding Jerry's telephone number under the "Poison Control" hot line.

Alex is infatuated with Mexican hairless dogs so Jerry purposely shaves his chest, claiming to be naturally hairless.  Despite being warned not to continue shaving because each time the hair would return thicker and darker, Jerry ignores the suggestion, and soon the hair growth makes him feel like a werewolf.

Lanette accompanied Jerry to the Tony Awards.  When she decides to commit solely to Jerry, he immediately hires George as a relationship intern.  George handles daily activities, while Jerry has the evening shift.  Lanette is active, exhausting, and demanding, so naturally the romance fades when George fails to mail invitations for her party.

Jerry creates a special voice to imitate the sound made by Claire's stomach (after falling asleep, her stomach stays awake and talks to Jerry).  Claire detests the voice and offers an ultimatum.  After careful consideration, Jerry decides the voice is more important and breaks up with her.  When the gang grows tired of the voice, Jerry realizes that Claire is more important.

Patty teaches Jerry to unleash his feelings, and when he begins expressing anger unrelentingly, she breaks up with him.  For the first time in his life, Jerry experiences a salty discharge from his eyes and realizes that he actually cares for her.

Celia owns a collection of vintage unused toys--superball, original G.I. Joe with the full frogman suit, Mattel football game, EZ Bake Oven, Mickey Mouse Gum Ball Machine, Weeble Village, Gumby, and Etch-a-Sketch--that were inherited from her father.  Although the sex is wild, Jerry is frustrated because she will not allow him to play with the toys.  After three dates, Jerry gives her medication that causes drowsiness, so he can play with her toys.  He subsequently gorges Celia with a turkey, a giant box of wine, and four hours of Costanza home movies.  When she falls asleep, Jerry invites George and Elaine to partake in the playtime festivities.  Kramer ultimately tricks Jerry into revealing his plan, and Celia ends the relationship.

Dr. Sara Sitarides constantly brags about saving people's lives, which makes Jerry feel worthless.  When he discovers that she is only a dermatologist--a profession founded on the principle "just put some aloe on it" and it is merely one step above working at a Clinique counter–he arranges a "revenge" date to call her "Pimple Popper, M.D."  Unfortunately, she also treats life-threatening illnesses, such as skin cancer, so Jerry’s brilliant plan backfires.

Elaine's friend, Lisi, has the irritating habit of finishing all of Jerry's sentences.  She lives by Riverside Park, the same locale as the Lopper killings, so Jerry refuses to walk through her neighborhood at night.  Instead, he invites her to his apartment and they inevitably sleep together.  This apparently conveys the wrong message because she begins planning a weekend vacation.  Unfortunately, all of his efforts to end the relationship fail, so they wind up spending a weekend in Pennsylvania Dutch Country.

Relationships - Ungratifying

Marla Penny owns a business reorganizing closets to maximize available space.  Jerry finds her English accent alluring so he asks Marla to redesign his closet; however, when she mentions having a boyfriend, Jerry realizes that he did not need additional closet space, and claims he is traveling to Berlin to celebrate the fall of the wall.  When he subsequently meets Marla at a comedy club, and discovers she is single and a virgin.  They begin dating but Jerry has difficulty containing his hormones.  When she finally consents, he ingenuously mentions the masturbation contest.  She finds the contest sick and disgusting, and eventually loses her virginity to John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Jerry experiences further sexual frustration when he dates Rachel Goldstein.  They are forced into sexual abstinence for three weeks because she lives with her parents and Jerry's parents are staying at his apartment.  While watching
Schindler's List
at the theater, they have a heavy make-out session.  Newman reports the incident to Rachel's devoutly religious father, and claims that Jerry was moving on Rachel like the storm troopers into Poland.  Despite a forbidden romance, Rachel's father softens when Jerry offers him Kishka (a stuffed meat that Israeli soldiers carry in case they are captured behind enemy lines--if eaten, they will die).

Sidra Holland, a member of the New York Health Club, is accused of having breast implants.  Based upon Elaine's silicone assessment, Jerry ends the relationship, claiming that he reunited with his mentally ill ex-girlfriend.  When Elaine reconsiders her evaluation, Jerry is able to finagle another date with Sidra to perform an independent examination.  Unfortunately, Sidra discovers that Elaine was spying on her, so she ends the relationship, but not before brazenly proclaiming that her breasts are real and spectacular.