Seeking Nirvana (5 page)

We were in the Suite. The soft, sensual beat playing in the background as he took his seat on the red velvet loveseat, his legs parted, his shirt half unbuttoned exposing a dash of chest hair. I twisted my body, snaking my hips, softly stoking my fingertips over the bulge of my breasts as they lifted in the black and red corset, my garter securing my stockings.

The same question
which tumbled from his lips the previous eight times we were alone, was freed again. “Tell me your name.”

I smiled when I sank to my knees in between his legs, my hands resting on his thighs. “I don’t
tell my customers my name.” I slithered up the length of his body, pressing my chest, which was spilling out of its confines up the length of his rigid torso. I must say, I was a little curious to see what lay beneath.

He gasped, and I felt a
shiver of female triumph, knowing that I was affecting him even though he wasn’t laying a finger on me. “Fine; go on a date with me then.”

It was my turn to gasp in utter shock.
“You want to go on a date with me? Why?”

My chest was still somewhat pressed against his
hard upper body. My corset suddenly felt awfully tight as my chest rose and fell rapidly with each heavy breath. Liam didn’t touch me, but his fingers lingered a hairsbreadth from my chin, and that alone was enough to hold me steady. He was pinning me with his eyes, green and blue speckled eyes, his pale lips and clean-shaven face, he was gorgeous.

I bit my lip when his tongue slithered ac
ross his own, still he remained eye contact. “Because at least then, I’ll be able to touch you.”

My body’s sheen might
as well have been gasoline, and his words the flame, because I had never felt such blazing desire coat me in that way, in my life.

Benny hadn’t had cameras installed in the Suite yet, the door was always locked. Liam could have touched me each and every time we stepped foot into that room, yet he restrained himself, h
e showed me the upmost respect.

To someone who made a living doing what I did, that speaks volumes.

I made my way to his ear, brushing my chest against him once more. One word fell from my lips in a rasping intonation, “Okay.”

********

I barely managed to utter her name before she was pulling me into her slender body, her hefty chest holding me in place. She kissed my hair, my cheeks, until my face was being framed in the heat of her hands. Her almond, golden eyes glimmering and creasing as she smiled.

Age seemed to
have caught up to her, too. Still, she was drop dead gorgeous. She was the woman who everyone wanted to be and if you disagreed, you were obviously lying.

“Liv, how have you been?” I breathed, mimicking her gesture and framing her oval face in my hands.

She arched her perfectly threaded eyebrow. “How have I been? Never mind me, what about you?”

Hands simultaneously
dropped from one another. I crossed my arms over my chest, surrendering to an ugly, weighted sigh, the type where your cheeks bloom like pouches as you contain the air that is about to be ousted.

“Silly question, Liv.
Very silly question.”

We chatted over coffee for about an hour. Talking about how she still works at Red Velvet, that she hasn’t got the courage to
quit because she feels she owes Benny some favor. That both she and Liam have been going out of their minds worrying about me and that when I feel up to it, we got to indulge in a girl’s night out.

That made me smile
because, although I’d lost those three years, Liv was still Liv, still bubbly and sexy, self-assured. Deep down, I felt Liam wasn’t the same, my parents and sister hadn’t been the same, knowing that at least one person has remained how they were years ago, gave me a shard of hope. A little familiarity.

I was rinsing out the cups
when Liam walked Liv to the front door. Once I was done, I trailed into the living room, observing random photographs that hung on the off-white walls.

“I don’t know how to do this, Liv,” I heard Liam mutter. “I could deal if it was a few months, but three years?”

“Hey, listen to me, Liam. Things will work themselves out, they always do,” my best friend’s voice was broken and strained. “Her memory
will
come back––”

“But what if it doesn’t
? I can’t bear the thought of having to go through those––”

“Li
am, it won’t come to that, we’ll deal––the three of us always have. Just have faith. Things will spark and it will be like how it was before. Just give it time.”

One week, sixty-four photographs, three different destinations and a baking refresher afternoon, and still nothing had clicked into place, dammit, not even a fucking pathetic little spark.

It was taking its toll on me.

It was taking its toll on, Liam.

The tactile qualities which he displayed when I was in MA General had all but dissipated, and an irritable person took his place. Again, that was a person I had no recollection of knowing. The two things which seemed a constant within that one week, was him holding my hand and kissing me. Even then, they seemed forced and unnatural.

His kisses never failed to send my head in a spin and make my world flip upside down. He was insistent, he was passionate; he was in control and knew what he liked, what he wanted me to give, and for him to take.
But kisses nowadays were so far removed from that. They were nowhere near in the same league as what they were, once upon a time. They were chaste and nothing like how I recalled.

The
verity that even our sex life wasn’t the same after three-years hurt me. I didn’t know what had happened between us, but I couldn’t just sit and brood over it. For once, I had to be the one who was insistent, I had to chase what I wanted, and all I wanted was my spark back with my boyfriend.

Maybe that would have begun a chain reaction, and allowed numero
us other tiny sparks to follow.

During that week,
I’d lost count on how many times I sprawled out on the satin throw as he came to bed. I lost count how many times I stroked his back, his chest, grabbed his face in my hands and near enough forced my tongue in his mouth. I ransacked the walk-in-closet and my dresser in search for anything that would make him cave, and give me what I so desperately wanted, what I needed.

Even the catholic school girl outfit which I found on the upper shelf in the closet, along with the highest heels I owned didn’t have him
conceding.

Confusion took over my life more and more with each passing day. And
I felt close to giving up.

Liv had stopped by with a bottle of wine while Liam went for a poker night. We were
at each end of the sofa. My legs were tucked underneath my body as we talked about random shit, as always, when my face fell.

“What’s the matter, chick? You don’t seem yourself.”

I glared at her with a raised brow as if to say, ‘
fucking, really’.

“You know what I meant, Kady. What’s wrong?”

I sighed. Although I attempted to refrain, the only thought that had swam around in my head, tormenting me for days, and sending me into a state of further mystification, had my brow crumpled into a scowl. “I don’t think Liam’s attracted to me anymore.”

Her golden eyes flared as she shot back, “Why do you think that?”
She stretched her left arm over the back of the couch and rubbed my forearm, encouraging an explanation.

Swirling the blood-red liquid against the walls,
I focused hollowly on the glass in my hands, and watched as it stuck and distorted the crystal. “I remember how intimate we used to be, how passionate, and frenzied we were,”––I peeked up to meet her stare, feeling timid––“We were always at it, Liv,” my mouth curved into a wistful grin. “But he…he doesn’t seem interested, and he’s cantankerous. The one aspect I can remember clearly is the sex––mind-blowing, body-shattering sex. And I can’t shake the feeling that maybe, getting back to that, might hold the key to unlocking everything that I’m missing. Does that make sense?”

Parting her lips, her chest expanded as she drew in a
profound breath. She finally nodded. “Yes,” her word floated on a sigh, “It does make sense. Have you told him this?”

Frenzied, I shook my head, “God no, I haven’t told him. But I’ve literally been throwing myself at him and he’s not taking the bait. I don’t know what to do.” Silence invaded. I was shocked that Liv had no suggestions, considering she was a
s brazen and as kinky as they came. “Liv, did I do anything to fuck up? Did I stray or something? Is that why he won’t…” I shrugged.

“Oh, chick, we both know that if you had, he wouldn’t be here.” Just as her lips were about to caress the brim of the glass, she muttered, “Ma
ybe, you got to tap into Raven.”

How did I not think of that?

My face ached with how taut my muscles were as I beamed. “That’s why I fucking love you, Liv. You’re always full of ideas.”

“I’ll drink to that.” W
e chimed our glasses and were about to set onto a lighter topic, when Liam burst through the front door like a bat out of Hell.

I felt the walls shake as he slammed it shut, yelling at anything that would listen to the abuse and profanities that fell from his mouth.

“That fucking asshole, I’ll make him fucking pay I tell you that, the piece of shit.”

Liv craned her head to the entranceway behind her as I set my wineglass on the exquisite white marble and gla
ss coffee table in front of me. Dragging myself from the edge of the seat, I strolled passed the brunette, and into the hallway. “What happened, babe?” I questioned. I’d seen how short his fuse was becoming each day, but Liam exhibiting this degree of anger, I had not seen. He was shouting like a madman. I didn’t know how to deal with it, and a part of me felt intimidated, the same part of me that wanted to cower away.

“That fucker had better fucking watch his motherfucking back,
that’s for damn sure.”

I stood in front of him. Lifting my arms slowly, I was about to set my hands on the side of his face, when Liv called my name. I turned to face her, my hands halted in mid-air. She shook her head and mouthed, “Don’t.”

He darted past me and into the living room.

“Who’s fucked you off this time?”
she delved, lifting the glass to her lips.

Liam
stood in front of the fireplace. He bent to retrieve my glass and bleed the contents within on simple gulp, “Don’t even fucking ask,” he hissed in contempt.

“Liam, can I do––”

“Do what, Kady? What is it you want to fucking do?” He flailed his arms in the air, making a point of displaying his wrath. “I’m sick and tired of this bullshit. Everything is going from bad to fucking worse.”

I shuddered and trembled as he began to prowl towards me with murder in his eyes. “Liam, I just want to help.
” I took a step back, overlooking my instincts which were screaming at me to remove myself from the situation. “Something serious has obviously happened, because I’ve never seen you this angry.”

“Angry? You think this is angry?” He slammed the glass down so hard on the table that the stem literally snapped in half. “Oh, baby
, you haven’t seen fuck all yet,” he sneered.

Rearing up, my best friend
parked her curvy body between us, halting his progression toward me. She squared her shoulders and held her head high. She pointed a long index finger. “Liam, you got to back the fuck down, do you understand me? If you don’t, I swear to God, I will put you on your fucking ass. Leave. Her. Alone.”

Exhaling loudly at her words
, the flames in his eyes allayed as they softened gradually. “I’m sorry, Kady, baby. I’ve had a frustrating night. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He brushed his hand down his jawline before aiming his attention onto his black dress shoes, looking somewhat humbled.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for provoking you. I’m
going to have a shower.” Liv spun on her heel to face me. Wrapping my arms around her neck, I murmured my appreciation for the night, and her coming to my rescue in her hair, before releasing her and heading up the stairs.

With each shaky step I ascended, I queried
more and more on what sent Liam into such an outrage, and what could have possibly happened, had Liv not have been here to stop him.

I was in the master bedroom,
carrying out my routine study of my reflection in the full-length mirror when I heard her leave.

My body didn’t look
too bad. The bruises had finally faded so I was able to value my unblemished glowing bronze complexion. I had obviously been taking good care of myself, keeping myself fit and primed. My skin was radiant, my tits were round and perky, and my curves were the same as they had been when I was at the strip club. The only thing that was different, which I don’t think I could ever really get used to but was easily rectified, was the blond curls casing my pubic area. I couldn’t remember a time in my adult life where I never had it stripped bare. I suppose since I wasn’t getting my kit off, it wasn’t deemed an obligation. I began to wonder how Liam preferred me with or without it.

Could that be why he hadn’t touched me sexually?
I made a mental note to go to the salon a.s.a.p.

A porn-tub which could easily fit six people sat in the corner as
I stepped into the adjoining bathroom. An enormous shower cubicle was at the opposite end of the room. The showerhead was enormous, and the buttons…Jesus, I’ve never seen so many on a fucking shower. The problem was, regardless of how hard I tried, for the life of me, I could never get the bloody pressure stable.

Shaking my head
and clicking my tongue in disapproval, I finally relented, and reached for my small white satin robe on the bed, before I walked out of the room for some much needed assistance. I was ambling down the hallway when I heard a familiar Irish voice coming from below.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this, it’s sick.”

“What about the lengths you have been to, eh? You think I’m sick, twisted, call it whatever you want, but you’re the one who’s no good. I told you earlier to stay the fuck away,” Liam was seething, and I felt a shiver of unease travel up my spine and down my legs, making them buckle as I contemplated the fact that he was already in an unstable mood. Fuck, he had told him earlier to stay away? Was that the reason
why
he was unhinged when he came back? I rolled my eyes inwardly. This was only going to provoke him further.

“I have been helping––”

“Helping? Fucking helping? You’re lucky I don’t call the fucking authorities, you sick motherfucker. You are going to back the fuck off; we have been given another chance––”

I didn’t have to see whether Liam’s jaw was working under his flesh, or Hell in his eyes to know that he was losing it. I turned t
he corner, hoping to bring an end to the out of hand discussion.

“
Another chance to what? Not end up with the same result, maybe a little understanding?”

“Hey,” I muttered, wrapping the robe tighter around my naked body, and hoping that wi
th each step I took, my secrets weren’t being exposed. I halted halfway down the case, my back resting against the wall to my left.

Walker’s eyes burned into me
. “Kady,” he gasped through a grin. I know it shouldn’t have, but the way he made my name sound like ‘Katy’, the pleasant lilt in his voice, alongside his expression, had my chest tightening. Not to mention the leather jacket, jeans, and boots he was wearing. Without his flat-cap, I could actually admire the full view. His hair was a light brown, short at the back and sides, longer on top. It looked like he just ran his hands through it, but was still kind of sexy. His facial hair was a little longer than what it was the last time I saw him.

“Walker, it’s nice to see you again. It’s been a while.”
Thirteen days, five and a half hours, but who’s counting?

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, things…crept up. How you
doin’? You’re looking well.”

I let my lips roll free as I sheathed my teeth, causing a little pop to sound from the motion.
“Liam’s been taking care of me,” I forced a smile, knowing damn well that if my needs as a woman were being met, it may have sparked something, or at the very least, diffused the walking time bomb that is my volatile boyfriend.

Walker flashed Liam a look, his eyes
tightening dangerously. “Really?” he sounded surprised.

“
What’s the matter, Kady, baby?”

“The um…”––I pointed up the stairs––“
the shower is having a hissy fit again. I can’t for the life of me work out how the pressure goes. It’s like a fucking space launch panel in that bathroom.”

“Yeah, you never could get the hang of it,” Liam sniggered, shaking his head and wrinkling his nose.

I briefly overheard Walker whisper something that sounded like, “Anili.” Furrowing my brow, I idly wondered whether that was some Irish term for, idiot. I may have come across as one, but still, I didn’t appreciate it being pointed out.

“Go on up, baby, I’ll come and help you now, let me see Walker out a minute.”

I smiled. “Okay. Bye, Walker.”

His eyes lingered on me for far too long.
My body was heating under his scrutiny and muscles were tightening painfully. When he muttered, “See ya, Kady,” in that seductive brogue, I felt a pooling deep down low, and as the air was exorcized from my lungs, I wished the lustful, needy demon that awoke with a vengeance at the mere sound of his voice, was exorcized from my body.

I stepped out of the shower, propped my leg onto the edge of the bathtub and began to dry my
body. Sensitivity shot through me, and tingles soon followed as I rubbed the material over the summit of my inner thighs.