Seeing Shadows (35 page)

I felt shattered by Simon's words but I had nothing to say to him in return.

"I saw that look again today when you saw Claudia. You were scared."

"No," I said, panic rising in me. Simon was just too perceptive. The more I tried to hide, the more he seemed to be able to read me. My mind was racing a mile a minute and I couldn't seem to form a coherent thought. So I just repeated the word "No" as I felt my throat closing in, tears welling in my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Simon so I lowered my head, breaking eye contact and willing myself not to cry.

"Caitlin," he said with a harsh sigh. "I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you the other night. I was just so frustrated. And I was hurt. I admit it. You say we barely know each other but I've come to care for you so much that it scares me sometimes. The last thing I want to do is cause you pain. That's why it's so hard for me to let this go. Please. Just tell me what's going on."

My head was still lowered and I shook my head, feeling tears escape. I couldn't take any more today. After the weekend, my aunt's revelations and seeing him with Claudia today, I was at my breaking point.

"Stop!" I heard Sarah cry out as she rushed over, putting herself between Simon and I. I had almost forgotten that she was there. "Simon, just stop! You have no idea what's happening. What you're doing to her."

"Sarah!" I said sharply, looking up. She was dangerously alluding to my visions. If Simon had an inkling that he was right in his suspicious, that something was scaring the hell out of me, I had a feeling it would be impossible to discourage him.

They both ignored me as Simon shifted his gaze to Sarah. "What do you mean? What am I doing to her?"

"What I mean is stop messing around with her!"

"I'm not-"

"You are! You think you can just waltz in here, into her life, and expect her to lay herself bare to you. You have no clue what she has to go through. Do you think just because you have the hots for her gives you some right to demand her to tell you things?! She's the strongest person I know. I could never deal with the things that she has to deal with. But the last thing she needs is someone like you,
especially
you, making her-"

"Sarah!" I interrupted loudly, grabbing her arm and turning her towards me, cutting off her speech. "Please," I begged, my eyes imploring. "Stop." I whispered the last word.

The indignation disappeared from Sarah's face, replaced with horror. "Oh my God, Caitlin. I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I was just getting so angry and..." She trailed off, glancing quickly at Simon who had gone still at her last words. His eyes looked unfocused as he gazed back and forth between us, as if trying to figure out a puzzle in his head.

I looked Simon straight in the eye. "Well, you can see that Sarah is a little overprotective," I said, trying to make my tone light. I swiped at the trail marks the earlier tears had made on my cheeks. "I think we're all feeling a little overdramatic today. I know I am. I guess our hormones are in overdrive." I cocked my head and tried to smile at Simon. "What's your excuse?"

Simon exhaled loudly, not returning the smile. "I can't play this game, Caitlin. I can't pretend that you're okay. But I can't seem to stay away from you. I can't handle you pushing me away all the time." Simon shoved his hand through his hair, looking frustrated. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

He looked so defeated and forlorn that I had to stop myself from reaching up to soothe him, to stroke away the creases of worry from his forehead. The last thing I needed to do was encourage him. But I couldn't stop my next words. I had to do something about his pain.

"I'm sorry, Simon. My life is a little complicated. And I didn't mean a lot of the things I said the other night. Of course I didn't mean it when I said we didn't really know each other. That we were barely friends." Sarah's eyebrows rose at my last statement but she kept silent. "You have no idea how much I value your friendship. I just need some time. Please just give me time and I'll try and confide in you."

Simon looked dissatisfied with my answer but seemed to realize that this was the best he was going to get. He gave a rueful smile. "I guess I'll have to be happy with that."

I smiled widely, a real smile this time. I was relieved that he wasn't going to push anymore.

"Are you coming to Connecticut this weekend?" he asked, looking hopeful. "I promise, no pushing."

"You still want me to come?" I asked skeptically. I couldn't believe that Simon would still want me to come after all of this.

"Of course," he replied easily. "We can just have fun, forget about all the heavy stuff. Whatever the heavy stuff is."

He couldn't seem to help adding on the last part.

"Well..." I considered. Not only was I still tempted to go, despite everything, but I also thought about how Aunt Brenda lived in Connecticut. Maybe it was possible to make a quick trip to see her. I still had questions and I wanted to be face to face as she answered them. And as much as I needed to keep an emotional distance from Simon, I needed to keep him physically close until I figured out how to keep him safe. "Why not. I'm sure I can get someone to cover my shifts at Colette's."

"Great!" exclaimed Simon, looking excited. He turned to Sarah and gave her a coaxing smile. "She needs someone there to defend her honor. You still game?"

Sarah laughed easily. "Of course. You know I love you, Simon." She narrowed her eyes. "As long as you stay in line."

Simon held up his hands in supplication, grinning. "I'll behave."

"Awesome!" Sarah squealed, starting to get excited. "This'll be so much fun!" She turned suddenly to Simon. "Grant is still going, right?"

Simon winked. "He wouldn't miss it for the world."

Sarah glowed at his words. I cleared my throat. "Well, now that that's settled, I have some homework to do." I looked meaningfully at Simon and he seemed to get the message.

"I'll let you ladies get back to-" Simon stopped himself, and I knew that he had been about to make a gibe about our secretiveness. "Whatever it was you were doing before I rudely interrupted you," he finished.

Simon showed himself out and gave me one last smile. "See you later."

"See you later," I echoed. Then he was gone.

Sarah exhaled when he left as if she had been holding her breath. "That was intense."

"No kidding."

"I'm so sorry for what I said."

"It's okay." It actually wasn't okay. I felt panicked by what Sarah had revealed. She hadn't really revealed much, had just alluded to things. But I had a feeling that Simon, perceptive Simon, wouldn't let any of it pass his notice and I'd be hearing about it again. I didn't want Sarah to feel bad though. It must be a burden to have to keep my secrets.

"I was just getting worried. You were getting so upset. I've never seen anyone get to you like that before." Sarah looked thoughtful. "He really does get to you, doesn't he?"

I sighed. "It doesn't matter. I can never pursue anything with Simon." But maybe if I were able to get rid of his vardoger... I shook off the thought. I had more important things to concentrate on than a romantic relationship with Simon. Like the end of the world.

Sarah looked as if she wanted to say more but she didn't. She was respecting my earlier request to allow me to tell her things in my own time. I didn't think she would look so calm if she knew the thoughts swirling in my head.

Thankfully, the next few days were relatively calm considering I was trying to come to grips with crazy shadows trying to kill people. I slept with the iridium charm every night. In fact, I never took it off. It made me feel safer during the day, even if it was a false security. And I had gratefully been vision-free.

I saw Simon a couple of times during the week. Once on Wednesday when everyone came over to our apartment for dinner. Simon was true to his word and didn't push. We fell back into our easy banter and it was a welcome reprieve. He showed up unexpectedly at my doorstep on Thursday again, remembering that I didn't have afternoon classes. He announced that he wanted to learn how to make meatballs and had bought all the ingredients. Typical Simon, assuming he would get his way.

Of course he did. We had gone over to his apartment and had a fun and carefree afternoon making meatballs and then eating way too much junk food.

Simon called everyone to come over and share in the Italian feast, but unfortunately I had to work at Colette's that night. His face fell when I told him the news but he insisted on walking me to Colette's when I refused a ride.

"Simon, it's only a few blocks away," I said with exasperation. "And it's still light outside. You should wait here since our friends are coming over. Remember? Our friends that you invited over for dinner?"

Simon waved his hand unconcernedly. "Like you said, it's only a few blocks away. I'll be back before anyone shows up."

I relented with a roll of my eyes, but Simon's small gestures to show that he cared warmed me. I wondered if this would be a recurring argument about whether it was necessary to walk me places. This implied that I thought we would be spending more time together in the future. While this made me happy, it also made the thoughts of vardogers inescapable. No future could be considered without contemplating their existence.

We talked about our trip to Connecticut on the walk over.

"We should take off at five since everyone is done with classes by then," Simon said. "It's a pretty long drive - about six hours."

"We'll get to your place late then." I paused before continuing. "Are you sure your parents are okay with you dragging so many friends home?"

"Of course," he replied easily. "My mom is 'the more the merrier' type. She loves having company over. And my dad doesn't really care one way or the other. As long as his dinner's on the table on time, a parade could go through the living room. Besides, my mom is excited to meet you."

"She is?" I asked, feeling trepidation. Why was she excited to meet me? What had Simon told her about me? I assumed that he had just told his mother he was bringing a couple of friends home for the weekend. Why would she be excited to meet me in particular?

"Of course," he replied with a wink.

We were in front of Colette's and I didn't ask any further questions. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answers. Simon gave me a big hug and I couldn't help but melt in his embrace. He had started hugging me Wednesday night, doing it so casually that I didn't even think to protest. I told myself they were friendly hugs. I hugged Grant and Marcus often. If Simon held me a bit longer than a friend would, I didn't comment on it. But his hugs were becoming more and more frequent. At times when I wasn't sure were appropriate. Simon had hugged me in the middle of rolling meatballs. We had tried throwing M&M's in each other's mouths while the red sauce for the meatballs simmered, and when I had been successful in catching one, he had given me a hug.

I decided that Simon was the best hugger in the world. I was surprised that I was so receptive to them. There were so many complications. He was in one of my visions. I was trying to discourage him with lies about Bob. I still didn't understand what his relationship with Claudia was. And then there was the whole "vardoger trying to take over his body" thing. I couldn't help constantly searching his eyes for a flicker. But Simon's hugs felt too good for me to protest and I decided to allow myself this one pleasure.

His strong arms wrapped around me, making me feel safe and protected. Simon's chin rested on my head and I felt surrounded by him, enveloped into his body. And the scent of him - warm and masculine with a hint of cologne, was enough to drive any girl mad.

I finally pulled back when the hug had lingered on for far too long. I gave him a shaky smile. I hoped he didn't notice the shaky part.