Seduction and Snacks (29 page)

I shimmied into the bra while Gavin sat there staring at me through the mirror. I learned early on that it was impossible to do anything by yourself when you had a toddler. Covering myself up and running to hide behind a door if he walked in when I was getting dressed just made him even more curious and inquisitive. And by inquisitive, I mean annoying. It was best to just go about my business and if questions arose, I could handle them in a proficient and mature manner. In theory.

"Are you puttin' your boobs on mom?" Gavin asked.

I laughed and shook my head at his question.

"Well, this bra is mostly padding so I guess I
am
putting my boobs on."

I turned around to face him as I finished pulling the straps up and reached for my jeans I left laying across the foot of the bed.

"Hey, Mom, what are those red thingys?" he asked.

"What red things?" I replied distractedly as I pulled on my jeans and stood there staring at the four different shirts I laid out.

"The red thingies on your boobs."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head.

Okay, this was my chance to be an adult. He asked a reasonable question, so I should give him a reasonable answer. Right? But he’s only four. What is the appropriate age to learn the word “nipples”? Should I be honest with him or make something up? He was going to preschool in a few months. What if they were talking about baby bottles or saw a kitten drinking milk from its mother? If I made something up, my kid was going to be all, "Nuh-uh teacher. My mommy said those are called noo-noo-cows and they're just there for decoration."

My son would grow up scarred for life when everyone made fun of him for putting a noo-noo-cow on a baby bottle. I could hear Robert Dinero's voice in my head.

"I have noo-noo-cows, Greg, can you milk me?"

"They're called nipples, Gavin."

Honesty is the best policy. Let's go with that.

He sat there for a few minutes not saying anything. I was mentally patting myself on the back for being a good parent and being able to be truthful with my son.

"Nipples," he said softly.

I nodded my head, proud that he had no problem using the big-people word and not something silly. I still had nightmares about the fact that my father called a vagina a choo-choo-laney when I was growing up.

"Nipples, nipples, nipples. That's fun to say!"

Shit. I may have spoken too soon.

He jumped down off of the bed and ran out of my room, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" but replaced each and every word with "nipple."

Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot cock definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider.

Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it?

I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning…give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family.

I couldn't buy Trojan. Every time I opened the box I heard that god damn jingle from the commercial, "Trojan Man!" and then I thought of a guy on a horse. Durex made me think of Playtex which made me think of tampons, which made me think of periods, which made me want to dry heave. Lifestyles made me think of Robin Leach and caviar. Fish eggs were not sexy and neither was Robin Leach.

I wasn't going to make myself look like a major asshole and buy Trojan Magnum. If I bought those things, I'd have to talk like Dirty Hairy in the bedroom. "Do you feel lucky today, seeing my giant penis, punk?"

Claire probably wouldn't take too kindly to me calling her a punk before I had sex with her.

Contempo just sounded boring, like contemporary music, John Tesh or some shit like that. Snooze fest. If people fell asleep while you were having sex with them, you needed to get your shit together.

Rough Rider was already out so that left me with Vivid. Vivid video was a porn making company. And the things I wanted to do to Claire could definitely be in porn. I think dressing up like a FedEx guy so I could deliver my big package to the horny housewife while she bent over the kitchen sink may have to wait at least a few weeks though.

I grabbed the forty-eight count bulk box that came with a free bottle of KY Warming Liquid and a vibrating cock ring and threw them in the cart. The cock ring scared me just a little. The idea of something vibrating by my balls made me nervous. What if it short-circuited? Great Balls of Fire didn't need to occur in the bedroom. And the smell of burning nut hair was sure to kill the mood.

"Stop worrying. I'm sure Claire isn't going to even notice that you have a tiny tallywhacker."

I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.

"Very funny, asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry," I quipped.

"Hey, Terms of Endearment is a very touching, beautiful story about the dynamics in a mother/daughter relationship. Show some respect for Shirley McClain and Debra Winger for fuck's sake. That movie won five Oscars for…"

"Jesus, calm down, Nancy. Does Liz know you're using her vagina today?" I asked in mock horror.

Jim smiled, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that because if I told Liz, she would cut your nut sack off, dude."

He was right about that. Liz was a bulldog with rabies and mad cow disease. She would fuck me up if I crossed her.

"Since I just caught you buying condoms, and Claire is like a sister to me, I feel I must say a few words at this time," he explained, shoving aside some bottles of lube on a shelf next to him so he could put his box of tampons down and cross his arms in front of him.

I nodded. "By all means."

"I like you, Carter, but I met Claire first and I'm engaged to her best friend, so that means, by chick laws, I have to like her more. I feel it's necessary that I use the words of some of the greats in history to establish the sincerity of the situation we find ourselves in."

He paused and I waited for him to continue by resting my elbow on the handle of my cart.

"You mess with the bull, you get the horns."

"If you want to throw down fisticuffs, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here."

"I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too."

"I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you."

I nodded my head, impressed. "Full Metal Jacket?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Nice touch," I replied.

Jim turned around and grabbed his tampons off of the shelf.

"Well, alrighty then. My work here is done. I've got a few more items to pick up so I'll talk to you later."

***

An hour and a half later, I managed to clean up the house, change the sheets on my bed, make up the extra bed in the spare room for Gavin and set up a couple of the things I bought for him over the past week. Maybe it was a little bit much, but oh well. I'd missed out on four years of birthdays, Christmases, Valentine's Days, Arbor Days, Sundays and every other day I could have bought him something. I had a lot of time to make up for.

My son was going to spend the night at my house.

I kind of wanted to jump up and down and clap my hands like a girl. I was excited to curl up with him on the couch in his pajamas and watch the new movie I picked up earlier. I couldn't wait to tuck him into bed and wake up with him tomorrow morning and get him breakfast. I wanted to experience all of the things that made up his day. I wanted to hear him laugh, listen to him talk and watch him interact with Claire.

Claire
.

Beautiful, smart, funny, sexy Claire who was going to be spending the night at my house as well. I couldn't wait to wake up with her next to me in the morning. I missed out on that five years ago, and I wasn't about to go without this time. I wanted her face to be the first thing I saw when the sun came up and her body curled up next to mine to be the first thing I felt. But most of all, I wanted to be coherent for every single second. I didn't want the haze of alcohol to take anything away from this night for either one of us.

I hope she didn't think it was too forward of me to buy condoms. If she didn't want to do anything, there was no way I would pressure her. But if she asked my throbbing python of love to come out and play, I wasn't going to complain.

I just poured a box of noodles into a pot of boiling water when the doorbell rang. I set the timer on the stove and quickly walked through the living room and answered the door. As soon as it opened, Gavin barged past me and into the living room.

"Hi Carter! Mommy has nipples! Do you have nipples?" he asked as he took off his backpack and dumped the contents in the middle of the floor.

"Oh my God, Gavin, filter!" Claire scolded as she walked through the doorway, rolling her eyes at me. I laughed as I shut the door behind her and tried not to grab her ass or sniff her hair.

Jesus, she really did have a great ass.

"What's the deal with the nipples question?" I asked as we both stood in the entry to the living room, watching Gavin sort through the stuff he brought.

"He was in my room when I got dressed earlier and he asked me what they were. I thought I should be honest with him and now I realize it was a big mistake. He spent the whole way here singing "All I want for Christmas are my two front nipples." I almost opened the door and shoved him out into oncoming traffic," Claire said with a laugh.

“Mommy stopped the car and unlocked the doors and told me to get out and walk,” Gavin informed me.

“Okay,
almost
isn’t exactly accurate,” she told me with a shrug. “In my defense, I did tell him if he said the word “nipples” one more time I was going to stop the car and make him walk. According to his pediatrician, it’s important to always follow through with your threats.”

I helped Claire take her coat off and scooped up Gavin’s that he’d thrown on the floor and hung both of them up in the closet.

"Maybe now isn't the best time to tell you that he asked me if I he had a vagina this morning and then asked me to read him ‘The Vagina Monologues’ at the library."

Claire groaned and shook her head.

"What the hell am I going to do when he starts preschool in a few months? He's going to be like that kid in the movie, Kindergarten Cop, except he's going to announce "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina and my mommy has nipples!" I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her against my side, noting again how good her body felt next to mine.

"You mean what the hell are 
we
 going to do?" I corrected her. I needed to make sure she understood that I wasn't going to change my mind about all of this.

"Don’t forget, he's also going to tell everyone just how huge my wiener is. At least I hope he is. Maybe I should remind him about the awesomeness that is my wiener. "

Claire raised her eyebrows at me and I realized that didn't come out right at all.

"That sounded a lot skeazier than I meant it too."

Claire turned her body into mine so that we were chest-to-chest and my back was to Gavin. She rested her arms on my shoulders, letting her fingers play with the hair on the back of my neck. I got goose bumps on my arms and Mr. Happy just woke up from his evening nap and started drooling.

"Can we please ban the word wiener?" she asked with a laugh.

I glanced over my shoulder at Gavin. He had his back to us and was busy talking to his Batman figurine, asking it if it had nipples. I looked back at Claire and let my hands slide down her hips and around to her ass to pull her up against me.

"Only if you use the word 'cock' from now on," I told her with a smirk.

She pushed her hips into me and I let out a groan when she came in contact with my raging erection.

"T.J. told me you paid him twenty dollars the other night to get me to say that."

Shit. T.J. was going down the next time we played P.O.R.N. He was going to get a ball right to his throat. I placed my lips to the corner of her mouth and then kissed a path across her cheek. When I got to the soft skin right behind her ear, I let my tongue snake out so I could taste her.

She let out a little moan and pushed her hips back into me. She turned her face so her lips hovered by my ear.

"Cock, cock, c-o-c-k," she whispered, drawing out the syllables in the last one.

"Holy fucking hell…" I mumbled, wrapping my arms around her waist and hugging her tightly so her hips stopped moving against me.

The timer in the kitchen went off and all thoughts of Claire’s lips and “cock” were put aside. I unwound myself from her and we all made our way into the kitchen so I could finish the spaghetti.