Seduction and Snacks (28 page)

I also learned quite a few things about Claire. Like the fact she has cousin she can't stand.

"That's Heather. She's mommy's cousin. Mommy says she's a whore," Gavin said, pointing at the group photo that looked like it was taken at some sort of family reunion.

I also learned that Gavin seemed to have a penchant for squirting things all over the house, showcased by at least five pages in the photo album. I guess I should have taken a picture of the toothpaste incident a few weeks ago.

"Gavin, how come there are so many pictures of you making messes?" I asked as I flipped to the next page that showed a picture of him sitting on the kitchen floor in a pile of coffee grounds, cereal, oatmeal and what looked like syrup. "I hope you cleaned up all this stuff for mommy."

"Cleaning is ridiculous," he replied.

Considering the current state of my own home, I couldn't really argue that fact.

We continued to look at the rest of the pictures in that album and four others before I noticed that Gavin was unusually quiet on my lap. I glanced down and saw that he had fallen asleep sitting up. I awkwardly scooped my hands under his legs and carried him to his room exactly how he fell asleep - with his back against my chest and his legs dangling down off of my hands. I knew there was some sort of rule about "never wake a sleeping baby" and I figured that had to apply to toddlers as well since they could get into much more trouble than a baby.

After getting him tucked into bed, I came back out into the living room and relaxed on the couch. I turned on the TV, flipping through the channels until I found something to watch. An hour later, right when I started to doze off, my phone buzzed for probably the tenth time since I left the house earlier with Gavin. I smiled as I pulled my phone out of my pocket, knowing it would be Claire again.

How's it going? Is everything ok? ~ Claire

I couldn't even be offended that she was so worried. It was understandable. Surprisingly, being alone with Gavin wasn't bad at all. He was really well behaved, better than any child I had ever been around.

Perfect. Gavin just got his first lap dance. He’s hopped up on Red Bull and

crack right now and I found out he doesn't like whiskey. ~Carter

I laughed to myself and hit send. My phone buzzed immediately with her reply, like I knew it would.

I hope you at least sprang for the hot chick and not some butter face with VD.

And your son prefers vodka, like his mother. ~Claire

My laugh at her reply was so loud I glanced down the hall to make sure it didn't wake Gavin. I quickly typed a reply back. Even though she made a joke, I knew without a doubt she was masking a tiny bit of fear.

Everything is fine, Mom. Same as it was five minutes ago when you asked ;) ~Carter

My phone buzzed not five seconds later.

Oh shut up! It's not him I'm worried about. I was afraid you were duct taped to

a chair or had your head shaved by now. ~Claire

The doorbell rang and as I got up to find out who it was, I quickly sent off another text letting her know that our son was not able to overpower me.

Yet.

I opened the door to find Drew standing there with a box in his hands.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

Drew pushed past me into the house.

"Nice to see you too, pig fucker. I've got all of Claire’s flyers, brochures and whatever other shit Jenny was doing for her. She asked me to drop them off here for her. What are
you
doing here? And why are you still wearing the same clothes from last night? Did you finally bump uglies with your MILF?"

I took the box out of his hand and rolled my eyes at him.

"Will you shut up already, dick? Gavin is sleeping."

Drew looked past me towards Gavin's room.

"Good, I've got a present for the little spawn," he said with a smile as he pulled a shirt out of his back pocket. He held it up in front of me and all I could do was shake my head.

"You didn't. Oh my God, Claire is going to kill you," I told him.

I looked down at my watch, realizing that Gavin had been out for quite a while.

"Hey, how long do kids sleep?" I asked.

"You're asking me? How the fuck should I know? When was the last time you checked on him?"

I looked at him blankly.

Shit, I was supposed to check on him? He was asleep. What the hell could happen while he was asleep?

I turned and ran down the hall to Gavin's room with Drew right on my heels.

"Shit! Oh fucking shit."

Gavin's bed was empty, the covers thrown back like he woke up and flung them off.

I charged into the room, looking behind the door, under the bed and in the closet.

"Oh, Jesus. I lost him. I already fucking lost him!" I yelled in panic as I rummaged through his closet and pulled out a stuffed clown from the bottom of the pile.

Didn't that kid from Poltergeist get sucked into his closet by an evil clown? Shit!

"You didn't lose him. It's not like he could have gotten far. There's only one way out of this house and he would have had to walk right past you to get to it."

Drew walked out of the bedroom while I stood there trying not to cry as I choked the fuck out of the stupid clown that took my kid.

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you, Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

What if he crawled into the ventilation and passed out somewhere in the walls? Oh my God, he could have gotten into the fridge and suffocated. Didn't they tell you to put rope around your fridge? Or wait, that was just when you put it out to the curb, wasn't it?

Fuck! I didn't know anything!

"Carter! I found him!" Drew yelled from down the hall.

I raced out of Gavin's room and down the hall, finding Drew standing in the doorway of the bathroom laughing his ass off.

"What the hell are you laughing about?" I asked angrily as I pushed passed him.

And then I saw it.

Gavin, sitting on the edge of the sink with white shit all over his face.

"Gavin, what did you get all over your face? Is that Mommy's make-up?"

He shook his head.

"Nope, it's this," he said, handing me the empty tube.

I took it from him and looked down. Diaper rash cream. My son put diaper rash cream all over his face. And when I say all over his face, I mean it. Practically every surface was covered, including his lips.

Drew came up behind me and looked over my shoulder.

"Dude, he put ass cream on his face. You do know I'm going to have to start calling your son Ass Face now, right?" Drew laughed.

"Shut up, dicky," Gavin told him.

"You shut up. You're the one with the ass face," Drew retorted.

I got a washcloth out of the linen closet and ran it under the sink.

"Both of you shut it and quit arguing," I told them as I started to scrub the white shit off of Gavin's face. What the fuck do they make this stuff out of, cement? It's like it's been spackled on. And why does this towel smell like mint?

The white goo was starting to come off, but in its place was now blue goo. What the…?

I held up the towel and noticed it was full of whatever this blue stuff was. I brought it up to my nose and smelled it.

"There's toothpaste on this towel," I muttered.

Drew reached into the linen closet to grab me another one.

"Eeeew, what the fuck?" he said, dropping the towel on the ground.

I looked at his hands and they were covered with toothpaste. I walked back to the closet and picked up a few of the towels. Each one was smeared with toothpaste. And stuck way in the back corner of one of the shelves was the empty tube.

I turned back around to face Gavin.

"Why did you put toothpaste all over everything?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

I managed to find a clean towel at the bottom of the pile on one of the shelves and got Gavin cleaned up. Drew took him to play in his room while I cleaned up the toothpaste and diaper rash cream mess and put all of the minty-fresh towels into the wash. I was walking past the front door after I started the washing machine when Claire walked in.

"Honey, you're home," I said with a smile.

She laughed and came up to me, snaking her arms around my waist.

"Would I sound really girly if I told you how awesome it is to walk in the door and see you here?" she asked.

I kissed the tip of her nose.

"Yeah, you'd totally sound like a needy chick. Just don't start getting clingy otherwise it's going to get really awkward."

She smacked my chest and rolled her eyes at me.

"I'm pretty sure you might like my kind of clingy," she said with a smirk as she brought her hips up against mine. I put my hands on her waist and rubbed her against the hard-on I had since she walked in the door.

"I think you might be right, Miss Morgan," I said, as I leaned forward to kiss her.

"Get your hands off my woman!"

I pulled my lips away from Claire’s and we both laughed at the sound of Gavin's angry rant.

"Gavin, what are you wearing?" Claire asked as she stepped out of my arms and walked over to him.

Drew walked up behind him and smiled.

"Hey there, hot stuff! Like the shirt I got him?"

Gavin stood there proudly, pulling the hem of his shirt down so Claire could read it.

"Hung like a five-year-old?" she read, giving Drew the evil eye.

"I could have got him one like mine. They had it in his size," Drew said.

I think we can all say the shirt Gavin was wearing was a lot better than having one on that said, "Stare at me in disgust if you want to blow me".

Claire kicked Drew out, after thanking him for dropping off her stuff from Jenny, and decided to let Gavin keep the shirt on because, let’s be honest, it was just too funny to take off of him. I was nowhere near ready to leave Claire and Gavin yet, but I needed a shower and some clean clothes. Since Claire worked all day, I invited her and Gavin over to my place for dinner. And I told her to pack a bag for both of them.

***

I was frantically racing around my bedroom trying to find something to wear that said, "I want to bang your brains out after our kid goes to sleep but I don’t want to look too slutty or desperate". I washed and conditioned my hair three times, shaved my legs twice and put on enough lotion that Carter might be able to just borrow my legs the next time he wanted to jerk off. I stood by my dresser, holding up a pair of white lace thongs and tried to keep my towel wrapped around me by squeezing my arms against the sides of my boobs. I threw the white underwear back in the drawer. White was for virgins. I didn't want to be a virgin. I wanted to be a freak, a freaky hot chick that wore slutty red underwear. But not too slutty.

My cell phone rang and I struggled with the towel as I pawed through my dresser and reached for the phone. I answered it and held it against my ear with my shoulder.

"Wear the low-rise, red, lace boy shorts with the matching push-up bra."

"Liz, what the fuck? How do you...I didn't..." I stammered into the phone.

She let out a dramatic sigh.

"Well, crotch rot, since you weren't going to tell me you'd be riding the Carter Express tonight, I had to find out elsewhere."

"Liz, I just found out thirty minutes ago. I was going to call you, I swear. How the fuck do you know anyway?"

"Oh, Jim ran into Carter buying condoms at the grocery store - extra small. I didn't realize they made them in children's sizes."

"Ha ha, very funny, thunder cunt," I replied sarcastically. "Speaking of giant vaginas, I haven’t gotten any butt dials from you lately. Has Jim taken a break from spelunking in your bottomless pit lately?"

Gavin walked into my room then with his Toy Story backpack on. He was very excited at the idea of having a sleepover at Carter’s house. He argued with me that he could pack his own bag. I'd have to sneak a look into it when he was busy. The last time he went to my dad's, he packed one dirty sock, eight stuffed animals and a plastic fork.

"Liz, I have to go. Your godson just walked in and I need to finish getting ready," I explained as Gavin scrambled up onto my bed and started jumping up and down on it.

I snapped my fingers and pointed to the bed. He immediately kicked his legs out in front of his body and landed on his butt.

"Make sure you pack Children's Benadryl and duct tape. You don't need anyone yelling, "Mommy," when there's a penis in you. And no matter how much Carter tries to tell you otherwise, it is never hot if he says it. Never. Trust me."

I really didn't need the mental image of Jim screaming, "Mommy," while he railed Liz. I quickly ended the call and grabbed the red bra & underwear set from my second drawer. Liz bought it for me two years prior to wear on a blind date she’d set me up on. The guy showed up an hour early asking if we could just hit it so he could go. Apparently his mom needed her car back and wanted him to clean his room before she got home. Needless to say, the tags never got removed from the red lace underwear.