Seducing the Boss (The Pulse Series) (13 page)

“Are you angry at her for that?”

Kellan seemed taken aback by her question. “What? No, of course not. I just think…she didn’t deserve what he did to her. She forgave him too easily.”

“That’s what love is about, Kellan. No one is perfect. If you love someone, you accept the flaws and decide what your limits are. Your dad ended the affair, and he made amends. Clearly that was enough for your mom.”

Kellan didn’t respond.

“But I assume it wasn’t enough for you. Is that what you fought with your dad about?”

“Yeah. That was part of it.”

He clearly didn’t intend to elaborate on the rest. He was beginning to shut down. How the hell could she combat these feelings he’d been suppressing and holding on to for so long?

“So, your aversion to commitment stems from the fact your dad cheated on your mom?” She was struggling to connect the dots, to figure out his mindset.

“I’m not willing to make promises to a woman which I can’t keep.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m not getting married. Ever.”

Sara began to understand. He’d spent a lifetime being told how much he was like his dad. Apparently those words had taken root and created a fear no one had seen. The worst part about it was that Kellan had more than his fair share of stubbornness. If he had truly made his mind up about this, it would take an act of God or Congress to change it. “You aren’t your dad, Kellan. No one says you’re going to make the same mistakes. Really, if anything, you can learn from them, not repeat them.”

His impassive face could have been chiseled in stone for all the emotion he revealed. “Go out with Gabriel, Sara. He can give you what you want, what you deserve. I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” she challenged.

He rose from the table, sliding enough money to cover the bill and tip onto the table. “Same thing. I need to go check on my dad.”

Without another word, he left.

Sara remained at the table. She stared across the bar without seeing a damn thing, struck by the irony of how much her life had changed in the past week.

And how, regardless of everything that had happened, she was still sitting in the exact same spot.

Chapter Ten

Kellan stared at his empty glass, trying to find a way out of his funk. Almost a week had passed since he’d done the hardest thing he ever had to in his entire life and walked away from Sara. The next morning, he had gone to work to find an email from her. He had expected her to berate him for being such a miserable bastard. She would have been well within her rights to take him to task for leaving her alone at that table, but instead she’d merely let him out of his obligation to take her to charity gala. She said Gabriel had agreed to escort her.

Now he was at Score, trying to find a way back to normal. Unfortunately, nothing felt right without Sara. Things he’d done for years seemed off somehow. He couldn’t stand in his kitchen without picturing her bent over the table, or standing by the counter with a cup of coffee in her hands. He couldn’t grill a steak or soak in the hot tub or swim in his own damn pool without remembering how all those activities had been so much better with her.

He had logged long hours at the hospital in an attempt to avoid the memories at home by burrowing himself in his office. Even at work he was forced to avoid the cafeteria and the lounges, and obviously, he wouldn’t step foot near the emergency room. The only other place he would venture to in the hospital was his father’s room, and even then, he scoured every hallway on the journey to and from, fearing a tiny glimpse of Sara.

The only positive thing to come out of the week had been his dad’s recovery. He was so much better the doctor planned to release him tomorrow.

After leaving Sara alone at this table last week, he’d gone directly to his father’s hospital room. Mercifully, Dad had been awake and coherent. Kellan had talked to him about the past and apologized for harboring the bad feelings for so long. When faced with the possibility of his dad’s death, Kellan realized how little the affair mattered.

God, it had been one moment of weakness—something both his parents had managed to move beyond. Kellan had given it too much importance, let it almost destroy the love he felt for his family.

“Well hello, stranger.”

Kellan looked up at the sexy female voice. For a second, his heart leaped, thinking it was Sara. Instead it was Veronica. He had never texted her back, his attention and desires all focused on Sara.

“Veronica. It’s good to see you.” It wasn’t. In fact, she was the last person he wanted to see.

She gestured at the empty chair across from him. “Is someone joining you?”

He wanted to lie and say yes. He wasn’t interested in company. However, it was obvious he was alone, so he shook his head.

She claimed the seat, then waved the waitress over to order a glass of red wine. As she did so, Kellan took the opportunity to study her appearance, wondering what he’d ever found attractive about her. She didn’t hold a candle to Sara. No one did.

“You’re looking good,” Veronica said, leaning forward slightly. The action was premeditated and meant to capture his attention as her deep red silk blouse hung open so that he had an ample eyeful of her cleavage.

He had indulged in a dozen or so hookups with Veronica over the course of the last six months. Like him, Veronica understood his desire for no-strings encounters and professed herself only interested in the sex.

However, he’d noticed lately that she was the one doing most of the calling. In fact, he hadn’t reached out to her in nearly four months. Of course, he hadn’t turned her away either. If he was serious about driving Sara out of his head, a night with Veronica might be the best way to go.

The moment the idea occurred to him, he dismissed it. He wouldn’t sleep with Veronica tonight. Or any other night for that matter. The attraction—or whatever he had initially felt for her—was definitely gone, and it had been for months. The only reason he had continued to answer her calls was because he had considered the sex good. One weekend with Sara had blown his encounters with Veronica out of the water.

She picked up her glass of wine and took a sip. “I texted a couple weeks ago. Never heard back from you.”

Kellan didn’t want to be here. While he had originally come out hoping to find some company, the hard truth was he had really only wanted to indulge in his own personal pity party and avoid his house. He’d taken to sleeping on the couch because his pillow still carried the faint scent of Sara’s shampoo.

“I was busy.” It was a vague answer, but Veronica never failed to read between the lines. She felt like the female version of him. Eternal party girl, looking for a good time between the sheets and nothing else.

She smirked knowingly. “So, are you busy tonight?”

He paused. Not because he was going to say yes, but because he simply didn’t have the energy for this conversation. “Actually, I am.”

Veronica narrowed her eyes. “With the same woman?”

Who he spent his nights with was none of her business. “Veronica, I think perhaps it’s time we move on.”

“Move on?” Her tone was decidedly chilly. “Are you serious? What the hell did I do wrong?”

He frowned. There was no right or wrong in this scenario. They were occasional lovers, nothing more.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m simply not interested anymore. We both agreed—”

“Spare me!” she yelled.

He leaned closer, speaking in hushed tones, hoping she would follow suit. “There’s no reason to include the entire bar in this conversation.”

“I played by your stupid rules, Kellan. I kept everything light and casual and fun. I didn’t make demands or voice any expectations. I gave you exactly what you wanted. So I’m afraid I’m going to need you spell this out for me. Why are you breaking things off?”

There wasn’t anything to break off. “Veronica, I thought you understood I wasn’t interested in a relationship.”

She sneered. “Be careful throwing that R-word around. You wouldn’t want anyone to hear you and get the wrong impression. I think everyone here knows Kellan James doesn’t do relationships. He prefers to fuck his way through Southampton without ever feeling a single emotion. And I was a fool to believe I could change your mind about that.”

She wanted to change his mind? Jesus. Where was this coming from? “You wanted a relationship with me?”

“God, you’re a cold son of a bitch.”

Veronica rose from the chair, her cheeks flushed bright red with anger. Her voice had grown louder with every word until the rest of the conversations in the bar died.

“I’m sorry if I made you think”—he paused, still trying to understand exactly what he’d done to give her the impression they were a couple—“that I was your boyfriend.”

She laughed loudly, though there was certainly no humor in the sound. “Fuck you, Kellan.”

He watched as she stormed out of the bar and groaned when he realized his mom was standing just a few feet from his table.

“Mom.”

“Josh said I would probably find you here. Thought I’d see if you wanted company for a drink. Your dad is dozing, and I was going a bit stir crazy in that hospital.”

“I guess you heard all of that.”

Mom came over and claimed the chair Veronica had just vacated. “Oh yeah.”

“Don’t suppose you’d be willing to forget it all.”

She laughed. “Good lord, no.”

It was impossible to be angry with his mom. The woman had a way of making even the most uncomfortable of situations tolerable by retaining her humor.

“Mom, listen—”

“No, Kellan. I think I’d like to go first.”

He sighed. This night just went from bad to worse.

“You know, I’ve stood by for years as you’ve drifted in and out of short-term, meaningless relationships, because I figured you were just sowing your wild oats. But after listening to that woman, I’m concerned perhaps your choice to remain unattached stems from something else.”

“I’m pretty sure George Clooney was never subjected to all this speculation about his decision to live a bachelor lifestyle into his fifties.”

“You’re not George Clooney, dear. And even he is married now.”

He pretended she’d shot him in the heart. “That hurts, Mom.”

She laughed. “This, Kellan…this is the part of you that I’m worried is being lost. You have a wonderful sense of humor—you get that from me—and more than your fair share of your father’s charm. It’s wasted on these women”—she gestured toward the door Veronica had just stormed through—“who you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of falling in love with.”

Kellan tried to ignore the sharp pain in his chest that accompanied the word
love
. She was right. “I’m not interested—”

“In love,” she interjected. “I call bullshit.” His father had basically said the same thing. So had Sara.

He rubbed his eyes wearily, but didn’t bother to argue. It was a fight he wouldn’t win. “Is there a point to this conversation?”

“I’m worried you’re avoiding close relationships because of what happened between your dad and me when you were a teenager. I noticed some tension between the two of you at my birthday party.”

Kellan was surprised his dad hadn’t told his mother about the conversation the night it occurred. They told each everything these days.

Then he realized Dad probably hadn’t wanted to upset her on her birthday. Of course, the next day everything had gone to hell, and his father had almost died in that car accident. “Dad thought I had a thing for Sara. I told him he was wrong.”

He made a critical error mentioning Sara’s name. Mom’s eyes lit up. “Now, she’s a woman you could definitely fall in love with. The two of you are perfect for each other. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re already more than halfway to head over heels for her.”

Kellan couldn’t deny he’d begun to feel the exact same way. One weekend with her had proven they were more compatible than he could have imagined.

“Which is why I’m not going to pursue her.”

Mom frowned, confused by his response. “That makes no sense.”

Kellan sighed and decided to hell with it. He wasn’t making any progress in sorting out his thoughts on his own. Maybe it would help to talk to his mom. “I’m not a good bet. I’d only wind up hurting her in the end.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’ve never done a long-term serious relationship.”

“You dated Jenna Lennon in college for nearly an entire year.”

He shrugged. “You’re right. I did. And we broke up when she caught me making out with one of her sorority sisters at their end-of-year formal. Guess I really am like Dad.”

His mother winced slightly, but she didn’t address his comparison. “Then you weren’t in love with her.”

He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. “That’s just it. I think I was in love with Jenna.”

Mom shook her head. “No. You weren’t. Dig deep, Kellan. Have you ever looked at a woman and felt your breath catch in your chest? Ever spent an entire afternoon daydreaming about her? Ever felt the uncontrollable urge to smile nonstop just because she was with you and it felt so good?”

Sara.

Every single one of those descriptions matched his feelings for Sara.

“I don’t know if I can give her what she needs.” He didn’t bother saying Sara’s name again. His mother knew exactly how he felt about her. He’d obviously given himself away at the Social Club.

“What does she want?”

“Marriage, kids, forever.”

Mom smiled and reached across the table, taking one of his hands in hers. “You can do all of that. Actually, I’m sure you’d be pretty fantastic at the whole husband-slash-dad gig.”

He wanted to believe that, but old habits were hard to break. Mom must have recognized the doubt in his face.

“Because you’re exactly like your dad, Kellan.”

Now it was his turn to wince, until she squeezed his hand tightly and continued. “In all the ways that matter. You’re intelligent, charming, and very handsome. Women will always be drawn to you. You’re also loyal, protective, and stubborn as a bull. You won’t let go of anything that’s yours without a fight.”

“It would kill me if I…” Kellan couldn’t find the words. He’d seen his mother’s stricken expression the afternoon they’d found that other woman with his dad. He never wanted to see that look on Sara’s face. It would eviscerate him.

“You also have the opportunity to learn from your father’s mistakes. The fact that you’re so terrified of repeating them proves to me that you won’t. You’ve witnessed the price of that betrayal. If you truly love Sara, you won’t let her down like that.”

“Why did you forgive him so easily?” He’d always wondered, always wanted to know why she didn’t make Dad pay for his infidelity more than she had.

She tilted her head, her eyes more serious than he’d ever seen them. “Do you view me as weak for that?”

“God, no.” He hesitated to add the truth, but now that they were laying the cards on the table, Kellan couldn’t stop himself. “Naive maybe. Too trusting.”

She considered his description. “Fair enough. And maybe I was both of those things. But I was also deeply,
deeply
in love with your father. He made a mistake, and I chose to forgive him for it. He promised me he would never cheat again, and he hasn’t.”

Kellan realized there was no way she could know that for sure, but then as he thought about it, he knew she was right. His dad hadn’t strayed again. Not once. He was as certain of that as the fact that Kellan had fallen head over heels in love with Sara.

And he’d let her go.

He had declared himself afraid of hurting her, but that was exactly what he’d done. He’d been an idiot.

“I let her go. Told her to date Gabriel.”

Mom grinned and rolled her eyes. “Sara is a lot like me, Kellan. Naive, trusting…and completely in love. She’ll forgive you. And you’ll take that second chance and make it right, make the life you both deserve.”

He didn’t respond. Wasn’t sure he could. So instead, they let the conversation end.

They ordered a couple of beers and a plate of wings and hung out. Josh showed up at some point and joined them. They laughed, watched the ball game on one of the bar TVs and suddenly the night didn’t seem so shitty.

When he crawled into bed later, he considered his next move. He couldn’t keep trudging through life like this. A month ago, he would have called himself the happiest man alive, and he would have believed it.