Secrets - [Guardian Trilogy 01] (27 page)

I was ecstatic to see her. What I didn’t expect were the waves of anger to hit me quite as fast or as violently as they did.

“Did you enjoy your day without me?” she asked with such ease that I wanted to shake her until her teeth rattled. Did she have any idea what she’d put me through?

I continued to read my book for a moment, fighting to maintain control, fighting not to make a scene, to not to scare her away.

“My cell phone was completely dead. I guess I forgot to charge it,” she nonchalantly tried again.

“You're a bit later than you thought,” I said, forcing the biting edge from my voice. My skull felt like it would split apart from the pressure of controlling my rage.

She looked at her watch. “Oh, sorry. I spent some time with Mom then drove her to the airport. After that I went to the cemetery. I just needed to think, you know? Talk with Juliet. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Some of the anger dispersed, making it a little easier to look at her.

“Traffic was horrible—apparently some accident, a chemical spill or something. I'm not sure what happened, but I must've been stopped for an hour and a half at least.”

Well, perhaps it wasn’t entirely her fault. I’d never even considered the role I could have played in all of this. Another thought slowly trickled in. What if the timing had been a little different? What if she’d been on time—would she have been in the accident? My rage melted into anger and began to sulk off to the corner. I was overreacting.

”No, big deal,” I said. “A colleague of mine stopped by today, I was just concerned about you.”

“What sort of colleague?” Her interest was written all over her face.

“The bad sort. I've been thinking we need a system. If you and I are separated for any reason and it isn’t safe for you to come back, I'll raise the blinds on the window facing the front of the building. If you come back and I'm not here but someone’s hanging around, just keep walking like you're going to another apartment.”

“Do you really think that's necessary? I don’t mind meeting your friends.”

“They aren’t my friends, Olivia. I don't have friends. You need to remember that. They're dangerous people that
you
should have nothing to do with.”

“I hate this.”

“I promise you this is necessary. Please believe me, you
must never
meet them.”

“You have to have friends.”

“I do not.”

“I’m your friend.”

“You're different.”

“How?” she asked, leaning over me to make eye contact, invading my space.

 “In so many ways.” She looked disappointed that I didn’t continue. “I’ll tell you in detail sometime,” I promised softly and traced my finger lightly across her jaw line.

“No time like the present,” she replied, making no effort to move away from me. If she really knew me, she would pull back and run away. It's what she should have done, but she stubbornly refused to do anything she should do. The air between us thickened with each passing second. My fingers moved on from her lovely jaw to her delicate neck and followed the neckline of her shirt towards the swell of her breasts. Our eyes never broke contact. Her breathing quickened. It was a dangerous game I was playing in more ways than one. I normally made every effort not to touch her, but sometimes the temptation was too great.

“You need me,” I finally replied, undoing the top button her shirt. Olivia ran her fingers through my hair, a smile tilting her pretty lips.

“I do need you.” Her cheeks colored slightly.

Another button nimbly came undone. “You trust me,” my voice barely above a whisper.

“Completely.” Her mouth met mine tenderly. Her smooth lips sent lightning through my body, bringing it to life and all but shattering my barriers. At the same time, it awakened the darkness that longed to extinguish her. Her words rang through my newly found conscience,
completely,
that was what she said. She had no idea how wrong that was. I couldn’t do this. I had to protect her from myself.

How can I be sure that the desire she’s feeling is really her own?
The voice in my head raised an excellent point. I couldn’t be sure. This question had never bothered me in the past. Who cared if someone’s feeling was their own and not a manifestation? Certainly not me. This time, though, I cared. If I were to ever have her, it would be because she chose me, not because I clouded her mind. Emotions were too heightened at the moment to be sure.

“I have to work tonight,” I said gently, pushing her back from me, immediately missing her. Olivia’s brows pulled together in frustration. The lace of her bra peeked out from under her top, drawing my hand like a magnet. I forced the traitorous hand to my lap.

“Holden, I've been here for some time now,” she said slowly. I had little doubt where this was going.

I nodded.

“You, me . . . Well, we haven’t progressed the way I thought we would have.” Her voice was careful. ”We sleep in the same bed every night, but I can count on one hand how many times you've touched me. Then something like this happens, and you pull even further away. Do you think we could talk about where this is or isn't headed?”

“No,” I said flatly. I wasn’t going to discuss this with her.

“Well, I'd like to know where we stand.” Her face had gone rigid.

It was hard to keep the incredulous smile off my face. “I think we should worry less about starting a relationship and more about keeping you alive.”

“I really don’t think the threat to my life is all that great. Nothing has happened to
me
—”

“Just to the people around you. Can’t you see it, Olivia? There's something that has you in its target. Something wants you and whatever it is, it isn’t good.”

“Are you sure you haven’t exaggerated this in your mind as an excuse to keep from being with me? Let’s face it, Holden, you’re not exactly open.”

“I’m doing the best I can. I don’t have a problem with casual sex. In fact, that's all I have, but nothing about what you want seems to be casual. It's all new and distracting territory. I can’t protect you if I’m all unsettled.” I was completely honest. I could barely protect her from myself as it was.

She frowned and tapped a finger against my chest. It was all I could do to not to take that hand and suck each finger into my mouth. “Exactly how many women are we talking?”

 “I couldn’t even begin to count.”

She raised her eyebrows and moved back into her own spot on the couch. “Suddenly I'm not that interested in you,” she said, feigning interest in her own fingernails.

“Well, I’m still interested in you,” I said, playfully nibbling the side of her neck and kissing her cheek until she smiled. “Will you be okay alone?” I stood up.

“Sometimes you're a little bi-polar,” she objected good-naturedly, “and yes, I’m sure I'll be fine—but this conversation isn’t over.”

“We’ll consider it postponed, indefinitely.”

“Hmph.”

“I really have to go.”

Olivia flipped the TV on and waved at me dismissively.

“Thirteen dead, six in critical condition tonight as police investigate one of the worst accidents in…” the TV reported as I locked the door behind me. I’d get some major points for that one.

Nineteen

Holden and I were spending every waking and sleeping moment together. He watched me all the time. I couldn’t quite place how I felt about it. I was comfortable with him like no other, so that wasn’t the issue. The issue I had was not knowing where we stood. Every time I tried to label our relationship, Holden found a way to change the rules. He wanted us to exist as something else, but refused to clue me in on what that was.

 There were times that gave me a moment’s pause. Holden was possessive of me in a way that defied reason, the silliest things setting him off. However, they were few and far between, so easily pushed to the side. In the back of my mind I knew I should be looking for Juliet's killer, but I wasn’t quite ready to dive into the deep end. I always needed just one more day. The note still lived in my purse, untouched, unopened.

We were having breakfast when Holden surprised me. “Are you ready to start looking into Juliet's suicide?”

I nearly dropped my coffee. He’d been so careful not to mention her, and now out of the blue he casually mentions starting the investigation he was against. “I have to go to my mom’s today.”

“Tomorrow then. What time are we going?”

And now things were about to get awkward. I hadn’t told Holden about going to Mom’s because I didn’t want him to come with me. I wanted a little space. I didn’t mind all the hovering, but sometimes a girl just needed to clear her head. It was hard for me to concentrate on anything but him, when he was around. I needed the afternoon to myself. I offered an explanation as nicely as I could, hoping not to offend him. He had been so kind and supportive of me.

“I don’t know if that's a good idea.”

Holden’s concern made me feel warm inside, but it was also beginning to irritate me. I definitely wasn't convinced that my life was in the grave danger he seemed to think it was and said as much—then teased him for being a worrier. That made him laugh. “Just be careful,” he warned. “If you feel threatened at all, even if it seems stupid call me immediately.”

“I will—and we'll start on Juliet tomorrow.” I smiled though I didn’t feel like smiling. I wanted to investigate Juliet’s death, but I was scared what I would find out. I was so sure she hadn't killed herself, it terrified me to think what if she had.

Holden insisted I take his car so I wouldn’t “be followed.” I couldn’t quite grasp the reason for his paranoia. I knew he believed me that Juliet didn’t commit suicide, but he seemed to take that to mean there was some nefarious plot to get me. It would’ve made me laugh, if he weren’t so serious about it. Who could possibly want to kill me? I never did anything to anyone.